March 2024 - But we took you to stately homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society

There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"

I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:

"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".

Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwait
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

@DysfunctionalDora your story sounds so familiar and just awful, I don’t think therapy would help it’ll be another chance for them to make you feel like shit.

I think this was shared on here a while ago but I would recommend this podcast. It’s so helpful when embarking on a healing journey, and gives deep psychological insights on childhood traumas and difficult mothers.

The thing I’m finding so difficult at the moment is the helplessness. It’s so painful and I’m so angry. I can’t change the past or expect my family to change for the future, for the first time ever I am Thinking about life without my family and it’s devastating.

but equally I finally feel like I am not going crazy, that my mum chose to be hurtful to me and made selfish decisions fucked up mine and siblings life, there is some relief in that validation. The memories and flashbacks are coming thick and fast at the moment and I’m writing them all down, I recently read an old diary and it was hard read. I’m so so sad for 13yr old me, lots of examples of when I cried myself to sleep because of my mums taunting and bullying of me. Even remembering when she would say that my brothers were looking through my room reading my diary when in fact it was her all along. She would also hide things in my bedroom ‘to keep things safe’ where as it was just a reason for her to go through my stuff. I fucking hated how she treated me.

sorry for the mind dump, I’m not in therapy yet so don’t have anywhere else to share.

It’s so hard.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/this-jungian-life-podcast/id1376929139?i=1000448660888

@StrawberryTeddybear if I can say one thing it's that I know this stage you are at and it's hard, but there is no healing without the grief and you seem to be well into it, which is in fact good!!

Wishing you and everyone much strength in their journey. This thread is a safe space for me as well. It's the only space without fear of judgement or fear of not being understood.

Well another small update.

My mother has caused problems for her husbands kids (adult kids like) to visit him in the nursing home. I got involved a while ago when she wouldnt tell them even what home and then I dealt back and forth and in the end said I had to leave them to it as his children. I messaged them yesterday in the step siblings whatsapp to ask if anyone talked to him. I was told no, your mam took him out for the day, the mobile phone I bought him months ago has been removed so nobody can contact him unless through her. One said there was an agreement that they go on a thurs and she wont be there so they see their dad however she has already broken that agreement and because they dont want an argument they walked out the last time. They think the staff are actually scared of her.

So I ring the home again. I talk to the same nurse I always get and he tells me she made them send him to the hospital one night as she was so worried. Nothing wrong with him the same as when shes lied and told people he has leukeimia and sepsis and kidney issues etc. NOTHING wrong with him bar he is old and has dementia or alzheimers I am not sure which but she obviously then got to tell her flying monkeys that he was 'rushed' to hospital and drama and shes a victim etc. Anyway the staff know well what she is like at this point but what can they do? Shes his next of kin, power of attorney etc. Then of course the icing on the cake was one of her flying monkeys posted a pic of my mother and her husband on socials today as she had brought him to a show yesterday and basically cousin was like 'oh love this couple' the usual bullshit from a brainwashed twat. I saw it and just grinned and thought how fake but they are still all brainwashed. The more brainwashed they are the more I sit back and breathe a sigh of relief. She is now someone elses problem. Me and my son are so much happier without her and yes it stings that they believe her over me but I need to see the positives. Im losing deadwood and the cycle has stopped with me. My son is not manipulated, not abused, not a pawn in her toxic game and quite frankly they can all fuck themselves.

@Genuineweddingone that's so sad. I haven't rtft as this thread isn't my thing but just feel so sorry for his kids. Slightly worried that's also what my stepfather's adult kids might say about my mother but she'd be more likely to just not visit once he does go into a home. Marriage that hasn't worked for her so a bit different I guess.

@Switcher I thought that about my mother but she gave up everything for this man. She left my dad, she left her kids and moved in with him. She to this day refutes this but the proof is there ffs she was not living with us and living with him but its all in the wording dont we know. She left my dad not us. Despite the fact she 100% left the family home without her kids but she justifies it all to herself and to others. She is a victim of life. Never done anything wrong at all in her life. She is a liar and a cheat and the most scary creature you could imagine.
His kids are in their 40's and up so not actual kids kids but she has stopped grown men seeing their own father. Shes a control freak, a manipulator and a complete monster. I spent years at her beck and call. Then she targeted my child and something snapped inside me. She will NOT abuse my baby like she abused hers. She can fuck off and rot. The only feeling I have towards her now is revulsion and she can take every single family member away from me and still she will not get access ever again to me cos she can no longer hurt me but she is never getting access to my child. Cycle has ended.

@Genuineweddingone I honestly don't know how these nutters have the energy for all the drama, games and Machiavellian bullshit. You mums entire life seems totally focused on herself, causing hurt, controlling the family to be the center of her universe and has no relationship with the truth!
You have handled yourself really well and more dignified than I could have. It's just shit dealing with fucking idiots.
I am up later than usual, waiting for husband to get home, he is bringing a little rescue dog home so I'm too excited to sleep. It's times like this I can see how my mum would have been negative about anything she would perceive would have taken my time, attention and affection from her! Jealous of everything.
Your son is lucky to have you protecting him from her poison.

Thank you for the reassurance.

@binkie163 believe me when I say I have had meltdowns and been absolutely over the top over the years over the things shes done. But they were to me. Every time she abused me she wasnt abusing anyone else - till she turned on my child. And all i can tell you is it will be a cold day in hell when I allow her to do to my son what shes done to me. I only have one child on purpose. I couldnt trust that I wouldnt turn out like her and pit my kids against each other so I had one. I stopped at one. I could sit here and type for hours about the things I now see but what is the point? They are all the same. I have what she will never have - integrity, loyalty, respect. I work. I have qualifications, the best friends, an amazing bond with my son and he is a teenager and even now he wants to spend time with me. He is this week booking OUR next holiday together, me and him. We are not long back from our last mum and son holiday, he talks to me, spends time with me. Shes a jealous cow and is projecting because she has NO qualifications, worked so little all over her life expecting others to fund her. She only owns her own home cos her parents died and it was inherited where I pay my mortgage. She hates me cos she will never be me and while for years I was upset and wondered why am I less now i know it is because I am not less - she is. She always will be and she clearly knows it. She can rot.

Oh and I am so so jealous of the new dog! I have a rescue too. I had two and my other one passed away last year. He was never well from the time he came to live with me when he was 2 and bless him he was badly abused but I loved him, we loved him as a small family and gave him 6 years of that love after a horrible start. My other boy is technically a rescue but he was only 2 months when we got him and he is now 8 so not abused but I got him from a shelter. He is our baby he really is. My mother used to make nasty comments too when I got pets and no reason why because it is not like it affected her but just negative to be negative. I hope you and your new Furbie have a great first night together :)

With everyone’s posts, it’s eye opening to see how many of these mothers have similar personality traits. It’s like they’re one of a kind but with variations. Things people say about their mothers here, could be my mum. And as mentioned, the energy it must take for them to be so hateful, manipulate and control everything must be totally life consuming & exhausting. My mum has a fixation with illness. If any of us have been ill she loves to be in the centre of the medical drama, usually dismissing our symptoms with no sympathy but loving the drama. With herself, she’s always self referring or booking medical appointments at the local private hospital. She’s fairly well off so just books and pays. For example she booked to see a dermatologist about a dry/red patch of skin which she got some cream for, nothing bad. But now tells everyone she’s had recurring skin cancer. She’s also always on the internet self diagnosing herself and that was the final straw for me. She started doing it constantly about me too and trying to cause me health anxiety for things I don’t have. Sadly she’s one of the few old folk who’s learnt to use texting.!! So constant daily texts trying to make me feel shit about my health, age or weight!! None of which I have issues with. I have just had a partial thyroidectomy due to a large benign nodule, but am recovering well and otherwise fighting fit, only ever been a size 12 (not that it matters) and don’t mind getting older.

It’s like she’s bloody furious age has dared to touch her and she’s angry I’m accepting of my age/health/weight. These texts really started to affect my mental health and I was on constant high alert waiting/dreading the next one. Also because they weren’t having the desired effect, she was sending more and more which were getting increasingly toxic. To the point where she was sending me texts saying I would probably get breast cancer whilst I was awaiting results to see if my thyroid nodule was benign. Thankfully it was benign and it was that text that triggered the NC again.

It also caused triggers back to my childhood as she loved to shame me by telling people I took after my gran (dad’s Mum) and as she was a size 24 I’d be the same and laughing. It’s also why my sister ended up with lifelong anorexia which has been very severe at times, as she got this treatment too. We were both small skinny kids. Makes me realise what a crazy spiteful old viper she really is/was. Wasn’t until I had my own much loved daughter 18 years ago that I realised how bizarre/damaging her behaviour was. Can’t believe it took that long.

On a happier note, I’m also very jealous of your puppy @binkie163 we recently lost our two elderly dogs. I volunteer with a rescue charity but miss having my own. Planning on getting more dogs towards the end of this year. Hope they settle in well.

s

I listened to this in the car this morning and was like a nodding dog all the way to work.

Despite being on mumsnet for years, and on the peripheries of this thread, and knowing that something was not quite right about my upbringing, I’ve only just accepted that I was raised by narcissists after starting some intensive therapy following my recent divorce. It’s like someone has lifted the scales from my eyes. I’ve started seeing my parents’ unacceptable behaviours that I had previously considered normal parent behaviour for what they truly are, as i’m doing the prep work for EMDR, and some of it is frankly jaw dropping.

I'm going to start going through the resources in the OP carefully. One that I would add is I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jeanette McCurdy. Frankly, her mother could have been my mother - I thank god every day my mother pushed me into academics not show business.

I have some questions for the well-versed on this thread.

Does reading resources help with recovery. I’ve read a few of these over the course of many years, despite not fully accepting the extent of the abuse I faced. It is cathartic and validating to read, but is it actually helpful to recovery, and if so how?

Is recovery ever truly possible? How long does it take to feel like a normal human again? What has helped you most? Do things feel worse before they start to feel better? For me, uncovering all these memories has made me feel really despondent and I’ve started getting panic attacks. Is this normal?

The one that is preying on my mind the most being childless and divorced at 33 - have any of you been able to have sustained healthy relationships? My relationships to date have followed some truly horrific patterns, you could make podcasts or Netflix documentaries about some of the men I have not only let into my life, but clung to. And now I’ve lost all faith in myself to be able to judge healthy people, and even if I could, I question my ability to sustain a healthy relationship with a healthy person. I’m paralysed with fear that I’m a narcissist or BPD myself, and that I’m the emotional/verbal abuser in relationship. My STBXH has turned a lot of his seriously shitty behaviour on me saying that if I hadn’t been constantly having emotional meltdowns because of his betrayal and lies, he wouldn’t have been pushed to betray and lie to me more. And since I no longer can tell up from down, I believe him and am beating myself up.

Who do you talk to about this, and how? I worry about getting the standard ‘well she is your mother, you only get one mother, cherish her’ responses. From the outside, I fear seem like the boy who cried wolf if I dare to claim child abuse - I’m privileged, well educated, middle class, own a flat in London, I have a high flying career. Victims of child abuse should be homeless, destitute, drug addicts, criminals. But my outward functionality doesn’t betray the fact that that I wake up every day traumatised and empty inside, with my parents to thank for it. How do you approach this when trying to make genuine connections with others?

@Marmadoodle I wanted to share my experience on your questions.

1. Yes, reading and learning about human behaviour was absolutely instrumental in understanding the way my parents function and see patterns. For some reason my first two therapists from years ago never got to that. It also helped me see what healthy relationships look like and then I understood to what extent I was failed. I also understood my rights as a human (to be listened to; to respect my boundaries etc.) and started to strive for that, realising it would not be possible to be me around my parents. I was just a puppet. I watched a lot of tik toks etc. and things started to click into place. With this understanding I then went to my current therapist and it is now all about healing that childhood trauma.

I also did some kind of retreat years ago. It was about childhood and relationships with parents etc. and at the end you get a task, which is to tell your parents that you love them. I never told them and it took me a whole year to admit to myself I don't love my parents. Then I asked myself why that was and it is because they never loved me. This was a tough realisation by instrumental in my recovery.

2. For me things got a ton worse before they got better. I had to start feeling all the things I should have felt in childhood but had to supress. A few months into my current therapy I had the longest panic attack of my life. I thought I'd die and that my chest is about to burst open any moment. I also had headaches that went on for days and cried for many months. My therapist needed to teach me how to take care of myself - I had no clue how people took care of their emotional needs. I don't believe I will fully recover, no. I think some things will stay with me forever. Not feeling loved as a child... I don't think I can ever get over that. Just today I was at my GP and an old lady was accompanied by her daughter - she took care of her mum's business and had to help her use the blood pressure machine etc. It brought back to me that I will not have this support in old age, because I don't have kids because I did not manage to form or maintain romantic relationships. Also thought for well into my 30s that I would not have kids anyway just in case I was like my mother and I couldn't do that to anyone.

3. I don't talk much about it to people. I thought I would get a ton of questions from colleagues and clients why I don't 'go home' for Christmas and things like that, but people don't actually ask much. A few friends know a bit more, but I don't say much. As much as I want to be heard and receive validation, it's best I deal with this myself, with my therapist and here. I just keep it brief and say 'we don't talk much; I have no plans to visit' etc. without explaining myself.

@Marmadoodle your social standing definitely doesn’t exclude you from toxic abusive childhood trauma, it happens across all demographics. My Dad was senior partner in a law firm and specialised in family law and abused kids whilst knowing his fruitcake of a wife was beating and terrorising his own children. You really couldn’t make it up!! So because we were supposedly middle class, these things didn’t happen in our family so were quickly swept under the carpet, hid, denied and my Mum grew into a monster and slowly destroyed the family.

Also everything you feel is normal, if there’s any normality about this situation and I think we can move on but what happens never truly leaves us in my opinion because it has shaped who we are. I think acceptance and seeing the reality of the situation has bought me some peace. Personally I find it helpful to share anonymously on threads like this. It allows me to share aloud what happened, without judgement but the reading of people’s similar experiences validates my own experience and makes me realise I’m not alone and it’s not my fault. Gives me strength to be me.

When younger I had trouble meeting a partner because I wouldn’t let anyone close and felt it difficult to trust anyone. Easier to build a wall around myself. I honestly think that may have stayed the same had I not met my husband. He’s got ADHD and did all the running when we first met. We joke he hyper focused on me which led to me finally letting him in. He was also very open with his own childhood struggles, his Dad was violent to his Mum and for a time he ended up with her & his brother in a woman’s refuge. This shared childhood trauma helps us understand each other and our handicaps with dealing with emotional stuff sometime, although we don’t tend to talk about it much. We have both tried to give our daughter the opposite of our upbringings. Mine and my sister’s absolute fear is turning into our mother. I think all of us here are very good at masking our trauma and feelings. Especially if you grew up with a narcissist, masking becomes your armour. I’ve read articles online, used threads like this to move on. I tried counselling briefly 5 years ago but found it just raked things up and traumatised me. For me personally, it’s helpful to know I’m not alone, work through things with people who have actually experienced similar, and to concentrate on reclaiming who I am. Mum always tried to force us into people we weren’t. We weren’t allowed opinions, views or anything that differed from her. Hope you find some peace going forward, it’s not an easy journey but definitely achievable x

@SkylarkDay My mother was a kindergarden teacher. As I child I wondered why she treated these kids better than her own.

@Twatalert i know, it’s so hard to figure out isn’t it. My take is my Mum is so narcissistic, she couldn’t bear sharing attention within the family unit. She had to be centre stage of all our lives, all the time. She always behaved like a bullying, jealous older sibling rather than a mother. Even sharing details of her sex life with me, both with my Dad and previous boyfriends. That’s not normal and really traumatised me, especially as it started when I was in my mid teens. I think it’s often a competitive thing with mothers like this of female children.

@Marmadoodle I didn't want to cut n run will reply properly tomorrow.
Definitely worse before gets better.
Iv been married to lovely man nearly 30 years, we both had toxic families, so we understand each others insecurities. However had some disaster relationships before that and I stayed in those longer than I should and to my detriment.
I didn't do therapy I can't see the point of rehashing the pain but I am in a minority, most find it essential.
I have avoided facing it most my life, been mostly low contact my adult life and eventually NC which I should have done 40 years ago.
I am from a very middle class family, both parents alcoholic, in very posh village, I grew up permanently shamed and embarrassed.
I have a good life, successful business and I worked my arse off for it. I have been plagued with anxiety and imposter syndrome my whole life.
You are in the right place x

@Marmadoodle psychodynamic therapy from a clinical psychologist is working for me.

It's depth work therapy that examines your childhood and uses some (the good bits) of Freud.
I have sexual trauma from my parents amongst being gaslit too many times and that's the only thing that has worked.
I hope you feel better soon, it's very difficult to move forward. xxxx

Love to everyone going through the mill. Sorry, I've not been around much. I'm feeling so much better after the death of the Hag (toxic MIL) back in March. I barely give her a thought despite her wrecking my life over the last four years.

Mr. Monkey is doing miles better. It's funny how his nightmares have disappeared, and he’s managing his OCD is much better. 😉

Change can come, is my lesson. I confronted her shitty abusive behaviour, called it out, and talked about it with friends who got it and, eventually, went pretty much no contact and backed MM to the hilt. We both got counselling.

I don't deny for one minute how hard it has been. But the witch is 10 feet under. 🙏🏻

It was my birthday recently. Didn’t receive anything from my mum, dad or sibling. No card, no happy birthday, it was absolutely sweet fuck all.

when I mentioned it to my mum she screamed ‘well you should have given me your address then if you wanted a card!’

Charming.

Its really really hurtful and I am really pissed off about it. I know it’s a small thing in the grand scheme of things but I am fed up of them only contacting me when they want something .

@MonkeyfromManchester it's great isn't it, finally gone, it's over. I never think about my mum anymore, it's such a relief. X
@JH20000 don't let them contact you, block them. If they can't do the bare minimum not worth wasting your time with users xx it only gets worse the older they get (grits my teeth at the memory)

@JH20000 It's no small thing at all. It means a lot for most people to hear from family on their birthday. Guess it's time to say goodbye to them, as hard as it is. I'm sorry.

Happy belated birthday by the way :)

My dad is wonderful in many ways. But blinded by my mum. He can’t see past her and sacrifices me to make her happy.
My mum is the forever victim. She had a difficult childhood and her side is full of silence and shame and incest. Her issues with sexuality and girls and blame and shame meant my childhood was not easy. Incest and abuse in church.
I was then a victim of child exploitation by a man much older than me ( think Rotherham grooming gangs).
I have moved many miles away now and do not see my parents, it’s taken me a decade to become estranged. I did therapy for the trauma and now back in it to deal with the grief and loss of the family I once felt was close, although that closeness was fake, I still miss it.
I am not completely nc, just very low with my dad and nc with my mum.
They didn’t stop the abuse, I was blamed. They had the means to move me away but didn’t and they remain in my home town.

They were wonderful at times too, especially my dad. Which makes it conflicting and confusing.

Anyway, hello to all, I’m sorry there are so many here with such horrible experiences ❤️

@Chipsahoy it's awful isn't it. My dad also enabled my mum's dreadful behaviour, I used to feel sorry for him until I realised that he cared more about his own selfish needs than his children, every time.
Being estranged is hard, I felt adrift, no anchor, no family. It's ridiculous as I never had any anchor or safety. My family are completely dysfunction and could never be relied on. It is a false sense of family. I have no idea why I feared losing something I never had? Once I faced that it was less confusing but yes it did hurt.

I had to be kind to myself and walk away from them. We need to put ourselves first because our parents won't x