Will I regret leaving a loving but childless relationship?

[Flowerchild13]

I (31 F) have been with my current partner (30 M) for 2 years. We have so much in common; we love food, we have the same level of social battery, we adore adventure & travel and we are both obsessed with dogs.
I've had some pretty terrible relationships in the past - one gambler who stole loads from me, another who kept a secret girlfriend for a year of our 4 year relationship - and so i'm really amazed to be with a person who buys me flowers randomly, sends me reminders often of how much he loves me and compliments me regularly.

However, there is a low level of stress percolating within me, which has recently been given a spotlight.

I've been on the fence for a while about having children. I think I'd make a great mama and my friends & family have often said they can't imagine me without kids. The thought scares me, but with the right partner I think I could do a good enough job to bring up happy healthy humans.

My current partner hates kids and said he definitely doesn't want them. He dislikes them so much that he won't come to family christenings, and dislikes when I post pics of me with my friends babies (a lot of my friends are reaching this stage at the moment)

I recently went to visit some friends who have just had their first baby, and while I was there a mutual friend and old-flame was also visiting. This person (39M) and I had strong feelings for each other some years back but due to distance we never made an intention to pursue a relationship.

We spent the weekend all together as friends, and during this time after a few drinks he admitted that he'd really wished something could have happened with us. He also talked a lot about his love for kids and even has pictures of his nephew as his phone background.

Queue my ovaries starting to bounce up and down shouting "we're still here!! remember us?!" as well as the biological clock starts ticking louder and louder...

So here I am, back home. My current partner is loving and attentive and all the things on paper I could want. However, if I stay with him long term, I'd be giving up on having a life with children and building a home around this kind of life, instead of one focused around food, travel & adventure.

Has anyone ever had to face this kind of decision? Leaving him because of this desire I've felt is awakened in me by this old-flame (even if he isn't THE right one for kids to happen with) is a big unknown, as is having children. I'm scared i'll make the wrong choice and regret leaving such a kind man, after having had such horrible past experiences with men...

Help :')

Honestly? A man who refuses to go to family occasions because children are there and objects to pictures of you with other people's kids doesn't sound like that much of a catch. In fact he sounds pretty unpleasant.

Is it possible your previous experiences make you blind to some red flags - regular flowers is one for me? I don't suppose it's always the case but IME men who are decent partners dya to day don't feel the need to send flowers, except for very special occasions.

if you want children and your partner definitely does not then there is no compromise. I would discount he 'old flame' but for me, I would have left a relationship with a man who didn't want children whilst I was still young enough to meet someone who did. Unless you feel you could settle happily with your partner and accept being childless than you need to leave and look for someone who wants what you want. Talk to him first. Put it on the line and tell him that you really want to have children and if he does not, then this is a dealbreaker ...at least he hasn't strung you along with 'maybe ...' until your fertile years are wasted

My current partner hates kids and said he definitely doesn't want them. He dislikes them so much that he won't come to family christenings, and dislikes when I post pics of me with my friends babies (a lot of my friends are reaching this stage at the moment)

You say he's a "loving" partner but this is a pretty big red flag?! It's perfectly valid to not want children considering the massively life changes and sacrifices involved. However to hate babies to the point you refuse to attend christenings doesn't sound right at all. Does he have some sort of trauma or phobia related to childhood?

Yes if you want kids you'll regret not having them be unhappy and over time resent your partner.

Leave him and look for what you want. A man to have a family with.

The old flame might be the one after all...

Or someone else.

But don't waste anymore time.

Say thank you for the good times and I wish you well to your boyfriend and start looking for what you want from life.

I honestly think it depends what you see as the most important thing in your life. Personally I have always wanted children, even when my husband and I first met although we were very young we were on the same page in terms of the family we saw ourselves having one day. If my husband hadn’t wanted children then as much as I absolutely love and adore him, I wouldn’t have stayed with him or married him. I think having children, or not, is too fundamental & too “big” of a thing for anybody to compromise on. If you want them then you shouldn’t compromise and NOT have them, and equally if you don’t want them then you absolutely shouldn’t compromise and have them.

I suppose you need to think about what you would regret most, if you go for absolute worst case scenario (because sadly having children isn’t a guarantee for anyone), if you leave your partner and then you never end up having kids how would you feel about that? If you stay with him and never have kids, would you grow to resent him for that?

Forget about the other man entirely, he’s really irrelevant to the decision you have to make. Him saying he wishes you’d made a go of things does not equal him wanting to put a baby in you.

You have to decide which is more important to you - children or a spouse? I was ambivalent about children but my ex was clear that she wanted them, we have 2 and I don’t regret them but equally I still feel that I would have been fine without.
Take some time to reflect on you, not on how good a partner he is, and remember that relationships can go wrong, and equally motherhood can be challenging. Whatever you decide you will need to be all in.

My partner doesn’t want kids or like kids (me neither). He does however come along to all family occasions and bounces our friends babies on his knee, buys them birthday gifts and generally makes an effort because it’s important to our friends and family.

I do think wanting children is a fundamental thing, and if you want them and he doesn’t it will eventually eat you up inside. Especially if for any reason this relationship breaks down in the future.

You probably will regret it. Doesnt mean it's the wrong decision though. Your partner sounds deeply unpleasant. He doesnt have to want children. But to abhor them to the point he wont come to family christenings abd can't stand to see photos of you with friends' children, is weird. You dont need to put him before you and your wishes. Go out there and make the life that you want. You wont die for lack of him.

Run now - whilst you can.
Who doesn’t want to go to a family event just because there are kids there?!
it sounds like he has a hatred for children (beyond a desire not to have his own) - and that rings big alarm bells.

I’d Leave him and go find a man who wants children or at least is open to the idea.
I was in a very similar situation as you and I left. Now here I am happier with a 2 year old. Having this child has opened my eyes to so much more.

The man that I left loved me so much, even after I left and we are now really good friends.

You're worried about regretting leaving your partner but it sounds like if you stay with him you'll regret not having kids. This is a really difficult one- so hard to walk away from a loving partner now for the possibility of a hypothetical child. It sounds like that is what you have to do, but it will take a lot of bravery. Maybe the universe threw the old flame back in your path to remind you that other men are out there who want kids. I imagine the majority would want them- men with such strong anti- child feeling as your partner must be rare, so it's unlucky you ended up with him rather than someone who does want them.

Chances are OP that your desire to have children will get much stronger - which may well lead you to resent your current partner. I say cut your losses and finish the relationship and try and find someone on the same page as you. Life is too short to exist to keep someone else happy and forgo your own happiness.

For what it's worth, I was on the fence about having children but when they arrived it was like the missing pieces to my life. I cannot imagine ever being as happy without them!

Your partner is an absolute twat. Anyone who says they "hate" children isn't worth the time of day. If you don't want kids, that's totally fine, but you don't have to be an arsehole about it.

The lady doth protest too much.

Sounds like he’ll be wasting your time for 10 years then impregnate a 28 year old.

It sounds like he has some major issues about children, not just not wanting them himself. Does he have any childhood trauma, do you know? If you really want to stay with him you could consider therapy together (if he wanted this too), otherwise I agree with everyone else, get out now while there’s still plenty of time to meet someone and have a family with. This is one of those incompatibilities that can’t be ignored, IMO.

It should be an easy case of listing pro's and cons. I mean I know it isn't easy, but you can literally write down where your life will be in 5 or 10 years depending on the decision.
I agree with forgetting the old flame option. It is your current child free partnership,or being single until you meet someone.
I did not consider having DC until I met DH. I know a couple of the most avowed child avoiders who changed their views with a different partner.

In answer to your question, you very likely won't regret it (particularly if you then meet another partner who does want children) but there's a very strong possibility you will regret it if you stay. That won't go away. That'll get stronger as time goes on.

You're young enough to get out now and find someone to have children with before it's too late. Give yourself the very best possible chance.

You can have a life focused on food travel and adventure WITH kids you know? It might not be quite the same but you don't have to give up all of yourself completely to be a good mum.

For me, not wanting children would have been a deal breaker. But you are not me ... and only you know.

My current partner hates kids and said he definitely doesn't want them. He dislikes them so much that he won't come to family christenings, and dislikes when I post pics of me with my friends babies (a lot of my friends are reaching this stage at the moment)

It's fine not to want to have children, absolutely nothing wrong with that, but anyone (man or woman) who says they actively hate children, avoids them (including at family functions) and generally never has a nice word to say about them is a walking red flag and someone you should be running a mile away from. I find that behaviour and attitude deeply disturbing.

@Flowerchild13

You say how good and lovely he is,

however he will not make an effort to attend speacial family occasions with as he doesn't want to come across little ones in your family,

How weird as he has such an intense dislike of children, i wonder why,?
be interesting to know why,

yes children can be noisy boisterous loud hardwork smelly,
but they can adorable funny insightful perceptive and interesting and hardworking too at times,

I can understand not everyone wants children feels maternal etc,
thats Ok too,
everyone is different,

at least he is being honest he is straight with you,

You have fundamental differences you are just incompatible as a couple

this is a total deal breaker,

You will start to seriously come to resentment him sooner or later in the future denying the opportunity of becoming a mother,

to my way of thinking 🤔 he is selfish cause he doesn't put the effort in to attend family occasions and openly dislikes your friends small children and babies photos,

Just tell him straight that this relationship is just no longer working for you anymore,
you are two fundamentally different people in regards of something that is deal breaker,

He will be proberly be unstandable be sad its come to this, however relief as the pressure will be off him to procreate and you can go onto your separate lives in near future,

No man, however great he makes you feel at the moment is worth giving up on having kids.

And certainly not a prince among men who hates (???) kids so as not to attend family gatherings. Screams of immaturity or narcissism.

All the nice messages, and all of the nice treatment and common interests you have to me are a sign of manipulation, or mimicking what he thinks you want to see for you to be into him.
It's fine not to want to have kids, btw. I am commenting specifically on not attending events, or having an opinion on your pictures with them. To me it's a sign of his mask slipping and actually showing his true controlling colors.

At 31 - your bio clock is just kicking in. Totally normal not to be even thinking about it until then. Now that you are - find yourself a partner who is not pretending to be a nice guy.

You might end up resenting him for you not being able to have children.

On the other hand, if he's perfect in every other way, you might regret leaving him. As you already know, a great partner is like gold-dust!

@Sashya post i think your post is good emotionally insightful..

I was exactly you ten years ago. It’s spooky.

I have no regrets on leaving him but I do wish I had left SOONER. I stayed until 33, met new DP at 35. We began ttc from 37 and it has been a massive slog, involving miscarriages and IVF, probably because we left it too late. May or may not have a baby, but it’s a slim chance now. I should have left ex-him sooner.

I can understand someone not wanting children but actively hating them and refusing to go to family events because children will be there is very strange and I couldn't be with someone like that.
But also OP if you think you want children in the future you should leave him. Because you will only start to resent him and probably end up apart anyway.