Will I regret leaving a loving but childless relationship?

[Flowerchild13]

I (31 F) have been with my current partner (30 M) for 2 years. We have so much in common; we love food, we have the same level of social battery, we adore adventure & travel and we are both obsessed with dogs.
I've had some pretty terrible relationships in the past - one gambler who stole loads from me, another who kept a secret girlfriend for a year of our 4 year relationship - and so i'm really amazed to be with a person who buys me flowers randomly, sends me reminders often of how much he loves me and compliments me regularly.

However, there is a low level of stress percolating within me, which has recently been given a spotlight.

I've been on the fence for a while about having children. I think I'd make a great mama and my friends & family have often said they can't imagine me without kids. The thought scares me, but with the right partner I think I could do a good enough job to bring up happy healthy humans.

My current partner hates kids and said he definitely doesn't want them. He dislikes them so much that he won't come to family christenings, and dislikes when I post pics of me with my friends babies (a lot of my friends are reaching this stage at the moment)

I recently went to visit some friends who have just had their first baby, and while I was there a mutual friend and old-flame was also visiting. This person (39M) and I had strong feelings for each other some years back but due to distance we never made an intention to pursue a relationship.

We spent the weekend all together as friends, and during this time after a few drinks he admitted that he'd really wished something could have happened with us. He also talked a lot about his love for kids and even has pictures of his nephew as his phone background.

Queue my ovaries starting to bounce up and down shouting "we're still here!! remember us?!" as well as the biological clock starts ticking louder and louder...

So here I am, back home. My current partner is loving and attentive and all the things on paper I could want. However, if I stay with him long term, I'd be giving up on having a life with children and building a home around this kind of life, instead of one focused around food, travel & adventure.

Has anyone ever had to face this kind of decision? Leaving him because of this desire I've felt is awakened in me by this old-flame (even if he isn't THE right one for kids to happen with) is a big unknown, as is having children. I'm scared i'll make the wrong choice and regret leaving such a kind man, after having had such horrible past experiences with men...

Help :')

I totally agree with this post … honestly don’t waste your time and don’t compromise and don’t bother trying to change his mindset …if you want to be a mum then it will happen but not with this person in your life … it hurts I know but honestly if you stay with him I’m telling you in 20 years you will with out doubt regret not being someone’s mum

No love from any man will match the love you have for a child. It’s a very different kind of love you can only experience as a mother.

If my husband had not agreed to have a child I would not have stayed.

You get ONE life. You’ll regret staying.

Do not sacrifice your life to this man.

I agree with this - this type of show is not normal. Many people don't like children but it doesn't turn into this type of rigmarole. It's so not normal that you have to wonder why

He’s not loving and attentive if he refuses to go to important events with you because children are there. He sounds like a selfish tool.

Of course you should get shot of him.

Anyone who hates kids that much is very odd.

I definitely wouldn't give up the chance to have children for some man. Please follow your heart!

Children are people. We were all children once. How can you hate all children anymore than all middle-aged people or all old people?

Just as a different view, when your DP says he hates DC I wonder if he really means a) he has little experience with them and b) he's had a few relationships blow up on him because he doesn't want DC of his own? It's ironic how many women are searching for a man who actually wants to be a Father because I never wanted DC and seemed to keep finding men who really wanted them, there's a sinking feeling when it happens because I wouldn't string them along, I'd say sorry this isn't going to work for either of us.
Maybe it's happened to him too so but he's trying to hype us the "childfree life is wonderful" to try and convince you? The complete anti child thing may be because he has this weird idea if you don't go near a baby you won't work out you'd like one? It's a bit sad because he's not going to convince you if your mind's made up, you're just going to have to move on.

"My current partner hates kids and said he definitely doesn't want them. He dislikes them so much that he won't come to family christenings, and dislikes when I post pics of me with my friends babies (a lot of my friends are reaching this stage at the moment)"
That's bizarre behaviour on his part. A little bit of an over-reaction. I'd be looking askance at him for that alone, even if I didn't want children.

Your old flame has reminded you of possibilities. Possibilities that do not exist with your current partner. And you describe yourself as being on the fence about having children, which means you haven't ruled it out. I am very much of the mind that possibilities, having choices, and keeping your choices open, is a good thing.

You're wondering if you will regret leaving this relationship. I'm wondering if you will regret staying, more.

I know plenty of people who don't want children and feel awkward around them, so generally avoid. The not liking you being photographed with a child when he isn't even there seems highly unusual.

You need to decide what is right for you. Bear in mind that many relationships break down, so if you forgo children, you have to be comfortable with that decision, even if he is no longer in the picture. I also know both men and women, but more men, that didn't want children until they met the next person. He has a longer time to change his mind than you do.

Ultimately, you need to do whatever makes you happiest.

You could regret having children - there’s always that caveat too.

Ultimately none of us here can make this decision for you. Other women’s experiences will not be your experience. But if you are unhappy in your relationship and the future you can see with him then it would be best to end things.

No brainer. If you think you might want kids, you have to split up. He’s not that great to be honest - refusing to attend events where kids are present is pathetic and selfish, and being weird with you if you have a photo with a baby - also pathetic.

I left my partner who didn’t want kids. Never regretted it.

Look at your partner. The life he is living now is all he ever wants to do. This is it for him. Nothing will change. He’s content with life now, and wants it to stay like this for ever. Are you happy with that? Will dogs, flowers, food and holidays keep you going for the next 50-60 years?

You should definitely leave your current partner as soon as possible. In time you can still be friends but you will regret wasting any more of your fertile years with him- don't hold you breath it'll work with the old flame but it doesn't matter either way you have a decade maybe more to have a child

I don’t think it’s something that can be compromised - if you really want kids. It’s a deal breaker for me as I will resent this later on in life if I didn’t end up trying for a baby and that’s what I have always wanted (as opposed to not being able to have kids due to medical reasons etc). Especially if I see my friends around me with their kids (and it happens more and more when you hit the 30s seeing your friends with kids and family).

Like others have said, being unable to go to a christening or hating seeing your pictures holding a baby or toddler is a huge red flag. I'm not sure what the flag is saying but it would say to me "not normal. I'm going to be dealing with some shit here" Personally I think he is going all-in on the hating children thing so you get no ideas whatsoever about having them with him. Hed probably be grand with his friends' children if he were certain his girlfriend won't get any ideas from that.

Don't waste your time. You want children, he doesn't. Don't spend your 30s living someone else's dream. And it isn't the same for both of you. He can change his mind at 41 and be father of the year in a couple of years. You at 42 will find that very difficult. You split up when you are 38 and he is 37 he could be a happily married daddy with 3 children aged 42. You will find it way more difficult.

You are 31. These are your fertile years. Decide what you want - not what he wants - and live that life.

End it now before you waste anymore time. You will never forgive him if you don't have children because he didn't want them.

He's telling you he doesn't want children - now and with you. (He may have objections to christenings if he is nonreligious of course.) He's really saying he doesn't envisage a future with you so he's emphasising the fact that you have very different ideas of the future together - at present.

He's still quite young at 30 and is happy to tag along with you while he's having an enjoyable life but you are not 'the one.' Guess he hasn't got a wedding date fixed either? The giving flowers thing is just performative to keep you onside until does find 'the one.' Don't be fooled. Leave now or wait to be ditched at 40+.

My current partner hates kids and said he definitely doesn't want them. He dislikes them so much that he won't come to family christenings, and dislikes when I post pics of me with my friends babies (a lot of my friends are reaching this stage at the moment).

This is very odd behavior, OP. DH and I are the only ones in our family who chose to have children, but our childfree siblings don’t hate children, dislike photos with children in them, etc.

As a PP said, children are human beings, not an alien species. Your bf sounds v. odd, tbh, quite intolerant and unpleasant. Regardless of whether you decide to have children or not, you deserve someone who’s kind and tolerant towards other people. He doesn’t sound like that at all and if you ever do something that he dislikes, I think he’ll show his true colours.

My current partner hates kids and said he definitely doesn't want them. He dislikes them so much that he won't come to family christenings, and dislikes when I post pics of me with my friends babies (a lot of my friends are reaching this stage at the moment

This is very odd. I mean fair enough if he doesn’t want kids himself, but this is odd and would make me run for the hills!

He's only 30. The other man is 39. So what do you expect? Ask ya bf if he would have them in few years if not u tell.him how u feel and what he thinks about it.

Depending how thick skinned you are. I still have nightmares that I am 40 and never married ( I am married in reality )

He sounds lovely but your core values don’t align
and this is a big one

i Can’t promise you that you will meet someone else . But I do believe staying will eat you up
and things will corrode eventually as you want something he doesn’t

Actively hating kids to the point of not wanting you in photos with babies is so outside the range of normal that it's a huge red flag, even if he was 14 let alone an actual adult. I say that as someone who has never remotely wanted to hold a baby, or enjoys the company of kids at all. But not to go to family gatherings just to avoid them? Come on, that's wildly immature.

I've met a couple of women in their 60's/70's one had one child, some learning disabilities and her husband was a shit and also didn't want another child, the other left it too late. Both said with great sadness if they knew how their lives were going to pan out they'd have left there husband/not waited too long and just had a one night stand or something (not saying that's a particularly good idea) but they by far regretted the relationships with the men.

I think if you definitely want kids, you will regret staying with this man no matter how much fun you have. There are plenty of good men out there, you're still pretty young.

He’s not the right one for you.

I am also curious as to why he detests children

His choice of language wouldn’t necessarily put me off if I also didn’t want them but I do find it strange that he refuses to be around them. Make sure it’s because that’s his own choice and not because he isn’t allowed around them tho!