Will I regret leaving a loving but childless relationship?

[Flowerchild13]

I (31 F) have been with my current partner (30 M) for 2 years. We have so much in common; we love food, we have the same level of social battery, we adore adventure & travel and we are both obsessed with dogs.
I've had some pretty terrible relationships in the past - one gambler who stole loads from me, another who kept a secret girlfriend for a year of our 4 year relationship - and so i'm really amazed to be with a person who buys me flowers randomly, sends me reminders often of how much he loves me and compliments me regularly.

However, there is a low level of stress percolating within me, which has recently been given a spotlight.

I've been on the fence for a while about having children. I think I'd make a great mama and my friends & family have often said they can't imagine me without kids. The thought scares me, but with the right partner I think I could do a good enough job to bring up happy healthy humans.

My current partner hates kids and said he definitely doesn't want them. He dislikes them so much that he won't come to family christenings, and dislikes when I post pics of me with my friends babies (a lot of my friends are reaching this stage at the moment)

I recently went to visit some friends who have just had their first baby, and while I was there a mutual friend and old-flame was also visiting. This person (39M) and I had strong feelings for each other some years back but due to distance we never made an intention to pursue a relationship.

We spent the weekend all together as friends, and during this time after a few drinks he admitted that he'd really wished something could have happened with us. He also talked a lot about his love for kids and even has pictures of his nephew as his phone background.

Queue my ovaries starting to bounce up and down shouting "we're still here!! remember us?!" as well as the biological clock starts ticking louder and louder...

So here I am, back home. My current partner is loving and attentive and all the things on paper I could want. However, if I stay with him long term, I'd be giving up on having a life with children and building a home around this kind of life, instead of one focused around food, travel & adventure.

Has anyone ever had to face this kind of decision? Leaving him because of this desire I've felt is awakened in me by this old-flame (even if he isn't THE right one for kids to happen with) is a big unknown, as is having children. I'm scared i'll make the wrong choice and regret leaving such a kind man, after having had such horrible past experiences with men...

Help :')

I'm going to address the one thing no one else has.

What man says that to someone in a relationship? Take away the old flame. He should never have said that to you regardless of what he thought, it was inappropriate.

You and only you can decide if you want to stay with someone who doesn't want children or anything to do with children. The old flame is irrelevant (and I suspect after an easy shag).

He doesn't sound great tbh. But he is honest.

I think you will regret it if you stay with him and do t have kids. I'd definitely end it.

I echo this. Not wanting to have children is fine and his choice but not going to family gatherings etc is rude and a massive red flag

You need to raise your standards. He isn't "good to you" he buys you flowers occasionally

Leave him and stay away from old flame.
Read some books on healthy relationships and maybe even counselling for help with spotting red flags, it helped me.

Youre a young wee thing, don't be settling.

And anyone who HATES children is just a tit. Sure, dislike their behaviour or noise etc but to hate the most vulnerable people in society? Off you fuck, pal.

Good luck 💐

Leave him, but not for the reasons others have said. I fell in love with a man who did not want more children (he already had2) Fir me it was a deal breaker and (not an ultimatum) I finished things because I definitely wanted children. He pursued me and said he would rather have me even if it meant having more children. But he always resented it, was horrible to me when the kids were born - and it was a very unhappy marriage -now mercifully ended.
I wish I had given kids a dad who wanted them.

It is odd that he has such an aversion to children. Why does he go out of his way to avoid them? What would he do if one spoke to him?
I think you would regret not having children forever. Take a leap of faith and get out whilst you can!

I think if you're happy with your existing partner then you should have a conversation with him about it. Why doesn't he like or want kids? I'd tell him that you really want them and you're worried that it could lead to resentment later down the line if you don't have them. You can then make a decision from there. Personally, I never wanted kids and my husband and I talked it through and we agreed not to have them. You don't want to fall into a trap of one of you wants them the other doesn't and whatever the outcome, possible resentment could come from either of you. A friend of mine had a similar convo with her now ex and they ended up having a child. He now plays no active role in raising her or looking after her. His loss but it's difficult having a child and raising them as a couple, alone would be worse. Speak to him and make your decision from there. You have to weigh up what is more important. Your next relationship is going to take at least a few years to establish before you should even consider kids anyway. Good luck.

So I think the thing about hating kids comes from two places, one is that I suspect he is on the spectrum (for many reasons) and so his responses to certain stimuli are extreme - including loud sounds and kids crying or screaming seems to be a strong one for him. The other is probably he's very vocal about it because he's afraid that I'll want them and then he'll loose me, so it almost feels like a constant need for reassurance that we're not having kids - like when a kid is screaming or a parent disciplining their DC's he's like "it's so great we don't have to deal with that"

I've personally been on the fence about kids and for the first part of this relationship I've been mainly focusing on my own mental wellbeing, getting in a good place after a financially abusive experience with the past gambler in my life.

Now I'm feeling settled, more mentally balanced and strong and finally these feelings are awakening in me.

To the majority of you who have said I'll regret it - I think you're right. I think i'll regret never having even TRIED. The reality of the "mumsnet classic" of woman waiting, man leaving and having babies later - well that just hits it home doesn't it. What a nightmare scenario.

Regardless of old flame or current flame, I do think I'd be sad if I never tried - sadder even if the "mumsnet classic" happened than the guilt and sadness I'd feel leaving him in honour of giving future DC's a chance...

Exactly. If you want to try then go ahead and find someone who can make this a reality.

For me - I was always on the fence (50/50) for various reasons, so though I would have liked children it would have had to have been with the right man/relationship and I either ran scared or just didn't meet the right person at the right time.

But for you, definitely try. There's the old saying 'you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink'.

One of my friends, she was with her SO for a long time, she got pregnant in her late 20s but they agreed she terminate, because 'the time wasn't right'. Years later and past the time where she could now have DC, I think she regrets not at least trying because she said 'it could've worked', as she really wanted her own natural children, and she's too late in age to adopt them now.

In your honest opinion OP what would happen if you accidentally fell pregnant?
How do you think he would react given he completely loves you?

"To the majority of you who have said I'll regret it - I think you're right. I think i'll regret never having even TRIED."

This reminded me of me, a very long time ago. I wouldn't even describe myself as having been on the fence, I was definitely leaning towards 'no'. I had endometriosis, knew that I might not have any choice in the matter anyway if my tubes were too scarred, perhaps I felt I was protecting myself from finding out that I couldn't have children. But then DH said almost exactly that - 'I think we'll regret it if we don't try'.

DS is 25 now.

I worked with someone who openly talked of disliking children, yet he had three children. He had very little to do with them and even took his annual leave outside of school holidays!
I was in your situation and at 34 the resentment crept in and it was obvious that the bitterness was only going to increase. I became consumed with it and went through some very dark times. I look back and wish I’d been stronger to leave sooner, I wasted 11 years. I also look back and hate that partner as he strung me along all those years until I was ready and then gave a definite no.
I’m sure you will regret it if you don’t.

That's not the dichotomy though. OP has time to meet someone and start a family with them (and kiss some frogs on the way). Decision is this partner or the possibility of a family.

I agree with PP who find the total aversion to children weird/worrying. It's an attitude that could be very alienating from OP's friends and family.

That explains things a little better. Well at least you know he wouldn’t have kids with anyone else.

If he has a sensory aversion to children then he does but he can navigate that. It would make your life stressful tho as you’d need to do all the screaming fits!

Can you talk to him, be honest - he deserves that. Let him sit with it for a few weeks.

You don't need to have a reason to give yourself permission to leave this relationship, OP. It's fine that the relationship just isn't for you long-term. You don't owe anyone a relationship. It's easy for women to fall into a "caregiver" role where they subjugate their own needs and adapt/compromise to ensure that their partners' wants and needs are met and, reading between the lines, it sounds a bit like that's what you've been doing.

It is a much more joyful experience parenting with someone who also wants children and who is prepared to play a full role in raising them with you. Even if you could "talk him round", think about whether you want to.

I’ve come to this one late but genuinely NEVER put the life choices of person in a romantic relationship over your own dreams and goals… EVER.

It is a recipe for disaster.

If you’re not on the same page, off he goes.

I’ve been around the Sun WAY too many times now and have seen this play out time and time again; women left childless while Mr ‘wants no children’ ends up married with three. No, no, no!

Glad you’re taking in everyone’s thoughts.

OP, I think you know what to do. I don't advise "accidentally" getting pregnant with this guy for 2 reasons. Firstly, he may never come around to the idea of a baby because if he is on the spectrum as you suspect, he may become avoidant towards the child. This will increase the chances of him checking out of the marriage and leaving you at the sharp end with young children (speaking from experience).

Secondly, there is often a genetic component to neurodiversity and that could crop up in your children. This could be very challenging, especially with a disinterested partner!