Will I regret leaving a loving but childless relationship?

[Flowerchild13]

I (31 F) have been with my current partner (30 M) for 2 years. We have so much in common; we love food, we have the same level of social battery, we adore adventure & travel and we are both obsessed with dogs.
I've had some pretty terrible relationships in the past - one gambler who stole loads from me, another who kept a secret girlfriend for a year of our 4 year relationship - and so i'm really amazed to be with a person who buys me flowers randomly, sends me reminders often of how much he loves me and compliments me regularly.

However, there is a low level of stress percolating within me, which has recently been given a spotlight.

I've been on the fence for a while about having children. I think I'd make a great mama and my friends & family have often said they can't imagine me without kids. The thought scares me, but with the right partner I think I could do a good enough job to bring up happy healthy humans.

My current partner hates kids and said he definitely doesn't want them. He dislikes them so much that he won't come to family christenings, and dislikes when I post pics of me with my friends babies (a lot of my friends are reaching this stage at the moment)

I recently went to visit some friends who have just had their first baby, and while I was there a mutual friend and old-flame was also visiting. This person (39M) and I had strong feelings for each other some years back but due to distance we never made an intention to pursue a relationship.

We spent the weekend all together as friends, and during this time after a few drinks he admitted that he'd really wished something could have happened with us. He also talked a lot about his love for kids and even has pictures of his nephew as his phone background.

Queue my ovaries starting to bounce up and down shouting "we're still here!! remember us?!" as well as the biological clock starts ticking louder and louder...

So here I am, back home. My current partner is loving and attentive and all the things on paper I could want. However, if I stay with him long term, I'd be giving up on having a life with children and building a home around this kind of life, instead of one focused around food, travel & adventure.

Has anyone ever had to face this kind of decision? Leaving him because of this desire I've felt is awakened in me by this old-flame (even if he isn't THE right one for kids to happen with) is a big unknown, as is having children. I'm scared i'll make the wrong choice and regret leaving such a kind man, after having had such horrible past experiences with men...

Help :')

The only person I have ever met who dislikes children to this extent is downright weird.
The irrational dislike seems to extend to random adults too.
It's very controlling and restricting for her partner.

OP I would leave this man anyway as he is a walking red flag. Actively hating kids to the point of non attendance at family events and not even liking you having photos with kids is weird and controlling.

Make your decision your own, not dependent on a particular man but your desire for children or not. You can then start looking for a relationship that fulfils that. This man isn't it and I agree with pp above that he's mimicking what he thinks you want.

So, not only is he going to prevent you having kids, he's going to prevent you being a favourite "aunt" to and friends' children?

He sounds awful.

I think you need to think very carefully about the kind of future you want, OP.

As PPs have said, a life without children is perfectly valid of that’s your genuine choice, but as well as the potential to miss out on your own opportunity to be a parent in this scenario, you are potentially missing out on huge chunks of the lives of your friends and relatives - children have a wide impact on relationships as you get older - new celebrations, occasions, traditions happen - and you will be on the periphery.

Your friendships will change massively, and so have to say, many will probably dwindle as their lives transform into parenthood.

Of course, you may be content with your partner in the future, and if that’s the case, good luck to you - but there are lots of factors to consider.

My BIL and his partner are very consciously childfree. Absolutely no interest in children of his own, but he's wonderfully kind to ours. Supporting your partner in her friendships and family relationships, even if it's going to a boring kid's party, is part of being a decent partner, never mind simply being kind and respectful to other people. Would you feel the same if he told you he 'hated' disabled people or Asian people and refused to go to friend's wedding because she was disabled/Asian? It has a different feel to it then, doesn't it?

Actually though, I'd be hugely uncomfortable with someone who feels the need to make such a big show of not liking children. Why? What's the point? Unless it's to be controlling of who you spend your time with? Or even worse, it actually gives me a bit of an icky feeling that he wants to convince everyone that he most certainly does not have any sort of interest in children. Which would make me uncomfortable. In my own life, the people I've known who came across as not at all interested in children turned out to have a very unhealthy interest in children but were trying to throw up a smokescreen.

Doesn’t like children, or isn’t allowed around children as part of his probation?

Ok it’s probably not that, but it is so odd to hate children to the point you react badly to photographs of them, that I’d not want to stay with him.

If you want kids, leave now while you still have chance to find somebody to have them with.

He has a strange reaction to being in the presence of children 🤔.

In any case, if your urge is that strong, leave him and take your chance. In the alternative, you may come to resent him for ‘stealing’ your chance.

I have happily chosen a childfree life with my DH, but I could never choose a life where we weren't actively involved with our extended family and friends, children included. It sounds like staying with him wouldn't just involve giving up being a mother, but also throw up difficulties around being an involved auntie/godmother etc. too if he's refusing to attend events and objecting to photos.

That’s a very odd thing to do. Miss events as he doesn’t like kids. Can he definitely have kids?! I know people who have found events with kids painful due to fertility struggles.

If you do want kids, I think you need an honest conversation with him. And then you need to decide if he would be enough on his own without children. You don’t have to have kids. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being childless.

It’s an absolute no brainer to me. Leave him and either get with the old flame or someone else.

I’ve never been in this situation myself but a friend of mine told me she’d dated single dads in her 30s, most of whom didn’t want more children but were happy for her to be around their children as she likes them. She eventually met a man in his late 30s, she was a year or so older but he had no children and now they’re parents to a daughter.

I would think very hard before making any decision. I don't think someone not wanting to be in the company of children is a massive problem if they've been honest about it. Life with children is very difficult, especially if you both need to work, and it lasts a lifetime! A life of travel and adventure could be perfect. I'm just saying this as an opposite to all those telling you to abandon him for motherhood. It's your choice, no one else's but look at both sides and the long term futures in both scenarios.

No, you won’t regret it. Your current partner sounds pretty average tbh.

He refuses to attend family events and dislikes photos of kids on social media? What an utterly odd and frankly weird person he sounds. This is very unusual OP, not at all normal and a massive red flag.

His deep dislike of children to the point that he cannot be around family children and doesn’t like even seeing pictures of you with them would be enough for me to call it a day. Even if I didn’t want children of my own. That is so abnormal I couldn’t bear to be with someone like that. Imagine explaining to your sibling or parents ‘sorry we can’t ever come to xmas, Easter, summer holidays, birthday parties etc because your kids will be there and DH hates children so much he can’t ever be in the same room as them’ what the actual fuckedy fuck??

It's OK not to like or want children but this man seems to have some level of hatred. He refuses to even be I a room with them?. Why would that be? Could he not trust himself not to harm them?
I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone like this

I am 39 and literally doing this now. It’s been eight years. I am starting to think it’s pointless. Of course it’s too late. I may as well stay now.

I wish I’d done it sooner too.

Basically either run now or accept you aren’t having kids. I spent five years trying to get him to change and he strung me along and then said actually no. You don’t want to be in this situation.

I’m childfree by choice and while I completely understand why anyone wouldn’t want to be a parent, even I think his attitude to children is a bit extreme. Boycotting family christenings is very odd indeed. My own attitude to other people’s children could be summarised as : ‘No, I don’t want to hold you baby or play with your toddler, but if you’re happy being a parent I’m pleased for you, and of course I will come to the christening’.

OP, you are clearly not on the same page as this man about an issue which is basic & fundamental to any relationship. There are no compromises here, the issue is an dealbreaker, and it sounds like becoming a parent is completely out of the question to him. Therefore you have a very difficult decision to make. Good luck.

Has he had a vasectomy?

It's a fundamental difference and the only way is to break up. Do not let any man steal your chance to become a mother if that is what you want.
You will not change him.

By the time you meet someone new and are settled you might be mid 30s and perhaps you might struggle to conceive - you never know.
This has happened to my cousin, she left her partner of 4 years ( stayed with him 4 years😳) and now is almost 35 and having to find someone new and is considering freezing her eggs as nobody is in sight.
I don't want to scare you with the age thing but she wish she had left him sooner

Focus on you, don’t compromise on any major life event for a man. Make sure you are driven by your wants and needs.

Also I agree with the previous poster who said this is strange behaviour and is a glimpse of the mask slipping. Not liking children is not unusual but his level of vitriol is. I’d be concerned he isn’t so nice underneath.

Without sounding odd OP does he have many children in his family? I have a friend who doesn’t and is really awkward around kids and will literally avoid any situations where there’s kids because it makes them feel uncomfortable. I think it’s because kids can be so unpredictable. We arranged a dinner once and someone wanted to bring their 5 year old, my friend didn’t go and would have preferred it just being the adults.

Not wanting kids is fair enough but hating and avoiding them is really weird. I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

Wanted to add - said friend completely changed as they had children themselves eventually. This friend now is wanting to change career to work with children. It’s really amazing. Just a thought.

Yes, you will regret it.

I think people reading into his character are stretching. I don't think you've given any reason to assume he's a bad person. Some people just really don't like kids.

However, if you want kids, and you are at a stage where it still may happen that you can have them, and you give that up for him, you will likely resent him.

As lovely as your relationship sounds, you sound incompatible. One of you will have to compromise too far for the other.