Will I regret leaving a loving but childless relationship?

[Flowerchild13]

I (31 F) have been with my current partner (30 M) for 2 years. We have so much in common; we love food, we have the same level of social battery, we adore adventure & travel and we are both obsessed with dogs.
I've had some pretty terrible relationships in the past - one gambler who stole loads from me, another who kept a secret girlfriend for a year of our 4 year relationship - and so i'm really amazed to be with a person who buys me flowers randomly, sends me reminders often of how much he loves me and compliments me regularly.

However, there is a low level of stress percolating within me, which has recently been given a spotlight.

I've been on the fence for a while about having children. I think I'd make a great mama and my friends & family have often said they can't imagine me without kids. The thought scares me, but with the right partner I think I could do a good enough job to bring up happy healthy humans.

My current partner hates kids and said he definitely doesn't want them. He dislikes them so much that he won't come to family christenings, and dislikes when I post pics of me with my friends babies (a lot of my friends are reaching this stage at the moment)

I recently went to visit some friends who have just had their first baby, and while I was there a mutual friend and old-flame was also visiting. This person (39M) and I had strong feelings for each other some years back but due to distance we never made an intention to pursue a relationship.

We spent the weekend all together as friends, and during this time after a few drinks he admitted that he'd really wished something could have happened with us. He also talked a lot about his love for kids and even has pictures of his nephew as his phone background.

Queue my ovaries starting to bounce up and down shouting "we're still here!! remember us?!" as well as the biological clock starts ticking louder and louder...

So here I am, back home. My current partner is loving and attentive and all the things on paper I could want. However, if I stay with him long term, I'd be giving up on having a life with children and building a home around this kind of life, instead of one focused around food, travel & adventure.

Has anyone ever had to face this kind of decision? Leaving him because of this desire I've felt is awakened in me by this old-flame (even if he isn't THE right one for kids to happen with) is a big unknown, as is having children. I'm scared i'll make the wrong choice and regret leaving such a kind man, after having had such horrible past experiences with men...

Help :')

He sounds like a controlling cunt. You deserve better

I do think wanting children is a fundamental thing, and if you want them and he doesn’t it will eventually eat you up inside. Especially if for any reason this relationship breaks down in the future.

This is it. You can get over a lost love — most of us do at some time. You have many more chances to meet another partner.

But if you want children, your options will start closing off in the next few years. If you don’t have them, you may always regret it.

Who hates a group of people because of their age? Children are just people at a different point in their lives. It's fine not to want them but to "hate" them all arbitrarily because of something they can't control is bizarre. What if he said he hated elderly people or disabled people or any other group of people?

He dislikes them so much that he won't come to family christenings, and dislikes when I post pics of me with my friends babies (a lot of my friends are reaching this stage at the moment)

This isn't just bizarre, it's incredibly controlling and it's worrying you've stayed with someone who is so controlling.

Anyone trying to police you sharing moments you've enjoyed with friends is bad news. This is not a healthy relationship, at all.

I personally knew deep down that I would never be able to prioritise a man more than wanting children. I love my partner so, so much but if he had not wanted children then I wouldn't have stayed with him. It's something that doesn't have a compromise.

You need to choose really what you want most. Him, or being a mother at some point.

If you want children then end this relationship and look for someone who also wants them.

Don't put too much expectation in the old friend, it may not be him and the last thing you want is a broken heart stopping you giving men a chance because you'd got your hopes up for a simple solution.

But don't wait.

If your current DP says 'ok, we can have kids in 6 months/ a year/ 2 years/ when we have done XYZ' please disregard this. He would be telling you what you want to hear. His actions so far have shown he is very strongly opposed to having children.

I agree, @Wooloohooloo, it’s downright nasty.

There is a vast difference between actively not wanting children of your own and hating an entire demographic of society enough to refuse to attend occasions where one might be or get funny about you having a bloody picture taken with one!! He used to be one for goodness sake!!

Aside from that, the fact that you're not 100% sure you don't want children makes you incompatible - and for what it's worth you come across more on the side of "not yet but one day" than "not at all". In my opinion, you'll realise over time that actually you definitely do, and you'll grow to resent him and end up splitting up anyway or he'll wave a few more weird red flags and then bury you under the patio!

I'm sorry sweetie,but I think you should end this relationship. If not, you WILL probably regret wasting your years on this guy.

How on earth did you manage to get 2 years into this relationship without fully exploring what I would count as one of the most important compatibility issues - that of having children together? Did you not have any deep conversations to make sure you were on the same page and headed in the same direction? If you did then how did you think the relationship was going to pan out? If someone were to point a gun at you and ask for an answer in less than a second and ask "Do you want children?" if you answer "Yes" then you absolutely should leave the relationship and crack on with finding and building a relationship with someone who wants the same thing as you.

I think you either want DC or you don't. You can't compromise on it. It's not like you can have half a DC. You have to decide if you love your partner more than you'd love a potential DC or not. My DH married me knowing I was too old to have a DC with him. He has helped me bring up my DC from my previous marriage. I wish I could have given him a DC of his own. I asked him if he was sure he wanted to marry me knowing I couldn't give him a DC. He told me he'd rather be happy married to me than have a DC with someone who didn't make him as happy.

@Flowerchild13 My current partner hates kids and said he definitely doesn't want them. He dislikes them so much that he won't come to family christenings, and dislikes when I post pics of me with my friends babies

I've never wanted to have children but this doesn't extend to disliking children - just not for me. I find your partner's attitude strange and worrying, to actively ' hate' and dislike children. I wonder whether he's been love-bombing you and the nice guy stuff is an act and he's trying to control you.

I know 3 women in this situation. Together for years and years with a partner who didn’t want kids. Resigned themselves to this then split up around 40. All the men had children very quickly with their new, younger partner. Heartbreaking for the women. Hating children is odd, not attending family occasions is odd and selfish! I sometimes struggle with other people’s kids (and my own!) but we were all kids once and you’d have to be particularly devoid of empathy to behave the way your partner does.

If you want children leave. You will regret not having them. It's one thing no to want kids It's a whole other to refuse to attend child centered events.

Yes, I have 2 make acquaintances who refused to have children , it broke their long term relationships, subsequently they both ended up rapidly with women who had children already( one had 3. with one who was disabled. Totally incongruous.)
On the flip side, neither of these women ended up with kids

He sounds weird and controlling. Even if you ultimately decide that you don't want the responsibility or full-on commitment of your own kids, it would still be entirely reasonable for you to want occasionally to spend time with the children of friends and family. I have a friend who is happily child-free but once in a blue moon she comes along to soft play with us and chases my DC round the frame while I enjoy a coffee. She claims to "enjoy" the novelty factor!

It's not just about the "no kids" (which is of course a mutual decision, although then it's up to you whether to leave). This man is also trying to control you and your friendships. I certainly wouldn't give up having children if I wanted them for someone like that.

I was never that interested in other peoples children but I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid events with children. That's weird

I met my DH at 28 and he was 27. We clicked, decided neither of us wanted children (he said if I wanted to we could absolutely go for it but then something to the effect that he didn’t think he could be very hands on with pregnancy and baby stuff so it would be very much my ‘thing’) I said no, they’re not for me. I’d always known that.

We married fairly quickly after that talk. This was 25 years ago and we’re in our fifties now. No children, and we discussed it during the pandemic (when I turned 50) and I’m pleased to say there is not a minute of regret or longing between us.

If I’d wanted children at 30 I’d have totally left him and found someone to have them with, or done it on my own. If you know, you know. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t want the family you want. Having shared goals for your family life is fundamental - even if life doesn’t, in the end, turn out the way you plan for.

Exactly. It's a mumsnet classic.

Man doesn't want kids. Woman not sure / might like to / puts it off.

Woman decides to stay with man.

Man hits 40. Has affair with younger woman, leaves relationship. Younger woman pregnant within months.

Woman too old to get pregnant.

You only have one life. If you want DC and your partner doesn't, you risk regretting it more and more as the years go by and you know you've missed the boat.

A friend of mine left her loving DP to go it alone and have a baby by herself by donor insemination, as he didn't want DC. She and her lovely DS are very happy and she certainly doesn't regret it.

It actually could be that?
It's bizarre to have that level of hatred to the point where he won't go to family events for that reason.

You’ve only been together for two years. How much do you really know about this man?

My first instinct re him hating children so much he can’t even bear to see pictures of the is that actually he doesn’t hate them, but he likes them too much iyswim. I.e. he actively avoids children either because he has to because of previous incidents in his past or because he knows it’s wrong so avoids children to prevent himself having certain, shall we say, inappropriate thoughts.

I’d be thinking less along the lines of whether he has experienced childhood trauma, and more along the lines that he has caused childhood trauma.

Maybe he can't have kids, won't admit it so he says he hates them.

Are there no kids in his own family?

I think you'll regret never having them if your ovaries are currently bouncing about.

Yes op this.
Its sounds almost controlling, like he's afraid that all your attention will go towards the baby not him.

The complete avoidance of being around children or even not wanting to see pictures of them is very strange. There are plenty of people who don't like kids, but because they are adults, they just go to events and act civil.

His behavior is immature and childish.

Are you sure he doesn't have some type of criminal background that you don't know about?

The danger is you may well be Miss Good Enough Right Now. Or he may genuinely hate kids, which in itself is odd as this is way past not wanting any or finding them irritating. I wouldn’t stay with him in your situation. Your body clock is ticking and that won’t go back in the box.