I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

If he is still behaving like that then he definitely needs to go.

The clue is in your OP. "We move fast." You moved too fast. This man is bringing nothing positive to your life. Think of your kids, and get rid.

If she’d moved in with a dp who wasn’t her dc’s father then gave up work without any consideration at all whilst expecting him to fund her dc 50% of the time I think the answers would have been very different.

You probably feel a twinge of guilt because you told him to give up his job. Now you need him to get a job as kids are at school. I'd tell him he has 3 months to find a job. He needs to apply for proper jobs not just ask friends for a days work now and again. If he doesn't get a job, he doesn't deserve you. Tell him to sign up to an agency they find the jobs for you.

Hope you feel stronger tomorrow -''tomorrow is another day'' - to start a new life. Why is he sulking and moping tonight I wonder? Is it the football?!

You are not happy in this situation.
Your children are worse off.
He is becoming more dependent.

This doesn't seem to be working for anyone.
Ending it will be painful initially but better in the future.

Give him back his car for him to pay for, you get yourself a new car, shich you pay for.

End the relationship.

Kick him out.

Live happily ever after.

OP you know what you need to do.Just tell him that you need space as things are no longer working for you. He can go home to his parents whilst you reassess the relationship and the current situation.
Suggest you would need to see positive changes if there's any chance of a future together. His kids have a mum so they will be ok and he can still be involved with them. I expect he took on 50/50 custody to avoid having to pay his ex any child maintenence and it was handy you were there to make this possible.
I agree with the previous poster, he manipulated you and is now freeloading. Your life, and those of your children have not been improved by this lazy cuckoo in the nest. Time to cut him loose and for him to stand on his own two feet.

Op please just tell him to pack his stuff and leave tomorrow. You don't need to give him 3 months, he has had long enough and as you said, you have lost respect for him.

Go to your DCs rooms, take anything of theirs you can sell, then once sold give your DP the proceeds because he needs the cash more than your children need stuff.

If you wouldn’t be willing to do the above, then you shouldn’t be willing to have this cocklodger in your house.

Is this really real? Not sure a real person would tolerate him doing nothing and paying for a car and for his kids etc. Especially after such a short time together. And what’s 50/50 got to do with getting a job? Me and my ex both have very very senior jobs and do this.

on the off chance this is real….get your self respect back

Who is paying for your house?

He’s a man. He’s useless. You could never imagine it happening the other way around, a man looking after a woman.

Ask him to move back to his parents. Tell him you feel used and need some space. You can be so much happier and more fulfilled then this. Yes you’re worried about being alone but in fact you're still youngish and have so much ahead of you. You can put more into your remaining time together with kids, build some new hobbies, learn some new skills, have some adventures, meet more people, make new friends.

You sound like a lovely and very decent person and you will be absolutely fine without him. You did it before, you are strong and can do it again no problem to you. Kick him out

I am, I pay all the house bills, my own for me and my DC and all of his, including food etc

Sadly, I assure you this is real

Ok. Just stop that this weekend. Its ok. You can get your life back easily now you’ve woken up.

Fuck him off.

He is a loser and he will drag you down.

You deserve better than this man.

There was a similar thread a couple of months ago but the man still worked part time and he did a lot of the stuff with the OPs kids like giving them lifts etc. and a good bit of the housework.
This guy is a whole new level of taking the piss.
How is he not embarrassed that you pay for absolutely everything for him and his kids?

You don't really have a choice to continue to facilitate this, you said you earn a very good salary but it's only been 8 months and you've had to sell your car and borrow money from family in order to pay to support him...so it's not heartless to end it, by the sounds of it you genuinely are unable to afford it anyway, and are certainly not obliged to even if you could afford it.

Well you gave him the opportunity to leave his job and figure out what he wants. He's figured out that what he wants is to be a workshy loafer who sponges off you. Now you should take the time to figure out what you want. So, do you want to spend the rest of your life being used by a selfish workshy loafer?

We’re all rooting for you OP!

Tape a note like this to his beer bottle:
Dear Dave, this isn't working for me anymore. We agreed you could take 6 weeks off work but you've been unemployed for 8 months now and I've had to sell my car and borrow from family. Soon, I will get into serious debt and my children's futures will be ruined. To be honest, I've lost respect for you because of your free-loading and the love and desire has gone.
I wish you well, but you have to move back to your parents by the end of the week. I won't change my mind about this. All the best, Vacum

v. important to say that the desire has gone ... that should get rid of him.

@Vacumwondering

I am abit worried about being alone, my kids are growing up (rare to have my DC sitting around with me) and it’s made me think I am scared of losing him and being alone, I have been been ground in to nothing! I spent so long building up my career and self esteem after DC’s dad and K split and it’s all gone now. I don’t know if I have the energy to get back up again!!

I'm sure you know that the fear of being alone isn't enough to keep you from ejecting this jobless leech from your home.

Seriously, the only things he seems to add to your life are negatives and your resentment will only grow if you allow him to continue living off you. Show yourself, and your children, that you have both common sense and boundaries and pack his bags. He is an adult - where he goes once you've sent him off is his problem to solve, and he can see his child/ren there. No doubt, once he doesn't have you bankrolling him any more he'll get a shift on and get a job or two to pay his own way. If he had any conscience or sense of responsibility he'd have got any paying work to help support himself. If he really loved you, rather than let you sink under the weight you've taken on "for the family" he'd be far more proactive in paying his way. 🌹