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Original poster

I think I have done a terrible thing

607 replies

Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 17:39

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

OP posts:
FerryBerryHerry · 16/03/2024 22:32

Atethehalloweenchocs · 16/03/2024 22:12

Did he have (does he have) a career or just ‘a job’? Was the idea to get something in the same industry / line of work, but better? Or a complete career rethink?

Just posted about living with my sister, above. It took me 10 months to get another 'career' job. In the meantime I did several temp/part time jobs to ensure I had money to pay my bills. No one with good intent would take what OP said as carte blanche to consider their options indefinitely.

Yeah saw your post, this is the way he should have done things. An extended period with no occupation is not a good idea, and something part time at least would have kept income coming in with time for interviews and job hunting. Assuming there are PT jobs available where OP is based.

Grimchmas · 16/03/2024 22:33

The thing about having made your bed... is that your really don't actually have to lie in it. You can still decide you want another set of bedding and change it, you can still go on holiday and sleep in a 5* hotel bed or under the stars camping if that's what you would prefer to sleeping in the bed you made. You can unmade the bed. You can dismantle the bed, take it to the tip and get a bed that suits your circumstances now much better. Just because you made it you really don't have to sleep in it, and you certainly don't have to stick with said bed forever. You do only get a certain number of nights sleep in your life though, so whatever you choose I hope the bed is a good comfortable supportive one that gives you great pleasure.

KomodoOhno · 16/03/2024 22:35

Many years ago I had one of these too. For about 3 years as well. I bought the meant to be bs because he had played foot all and I was a cheer leader for the team. Run. Let him grow up on his time and not waste yours. The meet cute is totally not worth it.

femfemlicious · 16/03/2024 22:35

Nope, not heartless at all. He is being heartless being treating you like this!

Catsandcuddles · 16/03/2024 22:37

I think once you start to resent someone, its very difficult to come back from that. OP he is taking the complete piss and using you as a cash cow. He has no intention of looking for a job , just giving you excuse after excuse and continuing to freeload from you.

I couldn't be with a man like this. I think you either need to stop this relationship before he drags you down even more financially, or if you really do love him and want to still be with him, then set him an ultimatum to get a job.

The car finance worries me, so you're paying for the fiance, but he's the registered keeper. Was the finance agreement taken out in his name only, or both of you? I'm just wondering who is ultimately liable for the debt?

femfemlicious · 16/03/2024 22:39

Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 17:53

It’s worse because that’s his car! I had to sell mine, although I pay for the finance on his and the insurance etc

Show quote history

WHAT!😭. I Hope its not in your name?. I think you should work on your self esteem.

ScrabbleUnoDobble · 16/03/2024 22:40

FerryBerryHerry · 16/03/2024 21:19

Haven’t RTFT, just the OP.

So you encouraged him to leave his job with nothing to go to, on the basis you were going to support him, and now you’re annoyed and resentful he doesn’t have a job.

so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure out what he wants

I read this bit and before reading any further thought – jesus what awful advice. Now he’s going to be completely reliant on you, and by my reckoning if you’re not lucky enough to find your next job within 3 months, you’re in dangerous waters mentally. Have you ever been unemployed OP? FYI, it’s not a great place to be in trying to present yourself confidently in interviews while being aware you’re unemployed, homeless and reliant on a gf / bf to keep a roof over your head (no protection of marriage), and who might suddenly decide they don’t want you living there any longer. Very vulnerable position to be in.

I can’t believe you didn’t anticipate this might put a strain on the relationship (not to mention both of you individually).

Newsflash: you can’t always get a new job at the drop of a hat. And you actually say in your OP you wanted him to ‘take some time to figure out what he wants’. How much time?

I feel sorry for your boyfriend. This situation would have been bad enough if you’d remained supportive. Now he’s got a relationship breakdown to add to his woes and presumably potential loss is of joint custody. The one thing I will say is he was foolish also to walk in to this situation. At best you’ve both been very naïve to think this was a good idea.

Edited

A decent man would have been grateful for her offer to look after him while he looked for a new job. A decent man would have picked up extra stuff around the house and made his wife's life easier while she temporarily supported him. A decent man would have found another job in a relatively short space of time, because he wouldn't want to be a burden. A decent man would want to be part of the team.

This man doesn't!

OP, I feel for you, you had some romanticised memory of him and thought you would live happily ever after. I don't blame you, I'm sure there are many stories of long lost lovers getting together successfully 'in the end'. Clearly, you've realised he was just taking advantage of this and is now using you. You could give it one last shot, if you wanted to, by giving him a deadline to step up etc, but I think he's taken the piss too much and you are past that (well I hope you are), so really you know he's a cocklodger and you should chuck him the fuck out!

If you're worried about him demanding explanations, just say I don't love you and I don't even like you. Harsh but true, and better than saying it's because he doesn't have a job (he'll just say he will get one) or he doesn't do housework (he will just do it for a couple of weeks to shut you up).

DreamTheMoors · 16/03/2024 22:43

You could always leave it up to him, @Vacumwondering—

“I’m going to give you the opportunity to save face. You can take your children and leave and say you’re not happy here any more, or that you’ve decided this isn’t working out after all.
Or I can explain to all the children and everyone else that you’ve been a cocklodger who’s drained me dry and I’m asking you to take your children and leave.
Your choice, but you have until 15 April to vacate my home.”

Original poster
Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 22:45

sorry, just had to listen to a load of drunk, mindless garbage from him mooching around the house because he has the hump.

He isn’t an alcoholic or anything but he does drink when the football is on etc and then turns in to nightmare.

im very tempted to call his family and get them to come and collect him tonight tbh!

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 16/03/2024 22:45

He can get in the sea.

Original poster
Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 22:45

dapsnotplimsolls · 16/03/2024 22:45

He can get in the sea.

Tbh, this is brilliant

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 16/03/2024 22:46

Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 21:31

In a physical sense very much so (much to my annoyance at times!) but I’m not sure about qualities wise, I have lost respect for him

Show quote history

Ah I see...he has pretty privilege 😁

AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/03/2024 22:46

Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 22:45

sorry, just had to listen to a load of drunk, mindless garbage from him mooching around the house because he has the hump.

He isn’t an alcoholic or anything but he does drink when the football is on etc and then turns in to nightmare.

im very tempted to call his family and get them to come and collect him tonight tbh!

Take that temptation and go for it, don't let it go and risk not taking the chance when you felt strong enough.

Original poster
Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 22:47

I am so done. Me and eldest DC had a nice evening with a pizza and a chat etc whilst he was sulking and I’ll be honest with you all. I am abit worried about being alone, my kids are growing up (rare to have my DC sitting around with me) and it’s made me think I am scared of losing him and being alone, I have been been ground in to nothing! I spent so long building up my career and self esteem after DC’s dad and K split and it’s all gone now. I don’t know if I have the energy to get back up again!!

OP posts:
philosoppee · 16/03/2024 22:47

I wish you lots of good luck. You can do this. The lovely life you had before is right there within reach - just get rid of him and be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 22:47

femfemlicious · 16/03/2024 22:46

Ah I see...he has pretty privilege 😁

Show quote history

Fucking indeed!!!!!

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 16/03/2024 22:49

Yogatoga1 · 16/03/2024 17:51

Funny this on another thread a woman wants to give up work to spend more time with her kids.

that’s a “no brainer” and the majority of posters are telling her to go for it.

Isn't that a situation where the woman is married and the children belong to both of them and nursery fees are higher than her wages? If so that is a completely different situation to this man who is clearly cocklodging in the OP's house.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/03/2024 22:49

You don't know if you have the energy to get back up, but you know you don't have the energy to live like this. Take the chance and trust in yourself, it could be the best thing you ever do, you could feel free again.

ParrotPirouette · 16/03/2024 22:51

Please kick him out tomorrow OP. Watch him pack his bags tomorrow morning and escort him to the door. Send him back to his mum’s.
Cancel all of the payments you have set up for any of his or his DC’s expenses.
Please don’t feel guilty about it, just do it.
💐

Bluegray2 · 16/03/2024 22:51

Have you tried giving him an ultimatum, say it to him tonight when he is drunk and ask him again tomorrow if he remembers the conversation ye had last night and what he is going to do about it…. If he does not get a job in the specified time you gave him he is out

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/03/2024 22:56

Oh God, I found this so depressing. If I were you honestly I would give him £1000 and tell him to get out tomorrow. He can go to his mother's and that money will pay for whatever his bills are for a brief period but he's on his own after that.

And I know you shouldn't have to give him anything but honestly you're not going to get rid of him otherwise.

My bet is that he will buy something for himself with the money.

Buggerthislove · 16/03/2024 22:56

I agreed with my DH leaving his previous job without having another as it was very toxic, however, we put finances in place so he could be out of work for a month, in that month he joined an agency, he had a few placements and was offered a job at the one that kept asking for him back. Feelers are all well and good but on our situation he took anything on offer.
Your DP is massively taking the piss.

Catoo · 16/03/2024 22:58

Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 22:47

I am so done. Me and eldest DC had a nice evening with a pizza and a chat etc whilst he was sulking and I’ll be honest with you all. I am abit worried about being alone, my kids are growing up (rare to have my DC sitting around with me) and it’s made me think I am scared of losing him and being alone, I have been been ground in to nothing! I spent so long building up my career and self esteem after DC’s dad and K split and it’s all gone now. I don’t know if I have the energy to get back up again!!

There’s no reason you will be alone if you don’t want to be. You sound intelligent and capable and attractive.

However, so long as you have this cock lodger around, you won’t be free to meet a more worthy partner.

While your DC are still at home, turn this round by getting rid. Imagine them saying in a few years time how you had some lovely holidays and experiences after he left. Compare it with the alternative ‘all our lovely family holidays stopped when he moved in, and we never went on another together again’.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 16/03/2024 23:02

Better off alone than living with someone who drains your resources in so many different ways.

Pack his bags and send him on his way!!!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/03/2024 23:14

he manipulated you - ' Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, '
did you get any proof of all that, or just his word

' I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term '
when did he figure this out ? or did you tell him !

' Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody '
of course he did ! I expect he doesn't now need to pay maintenance ?

' I had to sell my car due,
WHY YOUR CAR ?!!!
we had to cancel our holiday,
fair enough, he can't afford to pay his way so why would you go on holiday !

Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.
WHY ? ' I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term ' so how on earth have you ended up short of money !

how much more does he have to exploit you for before you remove the blinkers ?

and you are paying the finance on his car ?!!!!

his car needs returning or selling immediately - he can't afford it.

your poor children, very soon he will be suggesting your children live with their father as you can't afford them

tell him to leave
do it whilst his children are at their mother's home
pack his bags etc, for him
wave him bye bye

do not marry him
do not get pregnant with him

it is his problem and his responsibility if he has no where to live not yours !
your responsibility is to yourself and your children