I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

@Vacumwondering

In my relationship, DP works full time. I work part time, do most housework, childcare, organising kids etc. My part time job means I can drop off/pick up kids and be around during school holidays. I think this works, but your DP needs to be doing housework, washing, meals, childcare, organising etc. Does he do this?

Im so sorry you have to deal with this , you have been more than generous and I get pulling the pin is much harder than people on mumsnet suggest …. Very easy to say get rid, much harder to be the one doing it.

If you don’t feel ready to pull the pin start pulling back … say I can no longer afford to pay for your car and your DC’s clubs you or your parents will have to pay and don’t back down ( start saving money for you to buy a car)

Baby steps till your confidence is back and you are ready to ask him to leave … I’m a giver/ softie too so understand it’s not as easy as some on mumsnet make it seem

What does he say when you remind him the no job was supposed to be for only 6 weeks?

Give him four weeks notice.
Get a job or move out in four weeks.

He's too precious.
40 hours at Kentucky Fried Chicken is better than nothing.

He doesn’t.

And it’s a stepfamily situation so quite different to what you’re describing. He has children from a previous relationship that he’s failing to provide for in any way. Their mother provides for them when they’re with her and he’s delegated responsibility for doing so on ‘his time’ to the OP. He’s even manipulated the situation so it’s 50-50 and he’s not paying any maintenance.

He needs to step up and take responsibility for his kids.

It’s not his car, it belongs to the finance company.

I presume the loan isn’t in your name?

Stop paying for his and get one of your own with the money you save.

I always feel so sorry for the OP’s DC on posts like this.

That money could/should be going to make their life better. Not paying for some random other DC’s clubs.

Why are you spending most of your money on this man and his children? Your poor children. That money could be spent on them.

Kick him and his children out of your house today. Stop direct debits for financing the car, his children's activities, the bills you pay for him. If he wants a car, house and fun things for his children then he needs to pay. Kick him out!

What?! You pay finance for someone who hasn't worked for months!!! You have left him with absolutely no motivation to find any job.

If I were you, the first thing to go was the car. I never get anything on finance. I only buy what I can afford in cash (except a house). And obviously he can't afford it.

I would give him an ultimatum, if he doesn't find any job in 2 months he's out of the house. You are fully supporting him, if you don't act now it will always be like this. Do you want to have him as an extra child?

Then he's giving you the car as excuse that he can't find a job? What about using public transport like thousands of people?

As you are working and he is not, the "dropped and picked up all the kids from various places/clubs etc and stopped for bits in the shop on the way home" should be done by him, not you.

There needs to be serious rebalancing of this relationship. Him not working is just part of it.

Get out fast before you get totally trapped!!!!

Just say you need space, make something up, get him out and reclaim your mind. Fast!!!!

You say you move fast then get rid of him, fast.

OP, now is the time to show your DC the kind of woman and mother you really are.

Of course he can get a job- it might not be the ideal job he wants, and it might be a job he considers "beneath him" as clearly he does think that but if it were me, I'd get ANY job to support my partner.

The facts are: he's lazy and cant be arsed to work, he does the odd 5 min task around the house whilst you work full time, he pesters you for sex after you've been running around all day working and dropping the kids off, he's using you for money and to get access to his kids 50/50.

He tells you he loves you does he? well words are cheap- anyone can say that. People can say anything they think someone wants to hear. Look at his actions not his words. His actions show barely concealed contempt for you.

Get rid of this parasite.

Find your anger. Kick him out. Don't let him back. He is a user loser.

If he tries to guilt you tell him there's no way you would have agreed to all this. It's been like boiling a frog. He's slowly turned up the heat.

I will support you for 6 weeks turned into 8 months with added car and children payments.

Tbh you should have stopped it when you sold your car and again when you had to cancel your dc holiday.

Your dc are growing up don't let their last few years be more blighted.

I just went back to check, you didn't marry him did you?

So get your exit speech ready. He needs to leave. Why not today.

He can take his car and you can stop paying for it. Hire a car for yourself till you can get a new credit agreement, or speak to work and explain you need WFH for a month or so.

No more. You are done.

Do this for yourself and your kids. Show them who you are.

He needs to leave. Do it for your children and their future. If you are still tempted to keep things as they are, imagine the advice you would give your daughter or sister in this situation. It’s not love. He’s abusing your generosity. He is not looking to get a job. You are financing him and his kids to the detriment of your own children and your own financial and mental health. This is NOT a SAHM style scenario where a husband and wife come to an agreement about finances and responsibilities for the future of their family. Don’t worry about being lonely. You can meet someone better but only if you are single. Your posts show that you’re pretty lonely right now already.

I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

OP, I haven't RTFT but I just saw this and wanted to say you haven't 'made your bed' - this isn't what you signed up for. You lovingly and generously wanted to give him some time to figure out what he wants, but he's showing no signs of doing so and it sounds like he is just cruising.

It doesn't sound like he has any mental health issues as such, so what is his reason for not contributing or being more proactive?

You haven't 'made your bed' at all, this isn't what you offered, he's taking the piss.

In case this is real.

Cancel payment now for his car and phone and anything else his.
Book a locksmith to change the locks.
Put all his stuff in black bags and put them outside.
Hire a car. Then ASAP get on auto trader or down the garage to get a new one.
Tell him you're done paying for everything and doing everything.

OP, I hope you can find the strength to end this. He knows this situation makes you unhappy. Every day, he chooses not to look for a job--day after day. It's because he doesn't want the situation to change. So, it won't. Not from his side anyway. You can do it!

I feel sorry for your teens. A random man their mum used to know moves in and their life gets worse as their mum now pays for him and his kids whole lives while he just sits in their house all day and drinks too much when footballs on and turns into an idiot. Why OP, just why are you doing this to them.

Oh op, this is so sad, to be at the level you know a man is abusing you, and pay for him to be with you as your self esteem is so low. How can you even look at him? You even pay for his kids so you can be with him.

he’s clearly thought you’ve enough money and are so besotted you’d pay him. And he was right. He just thinks you’re a cash cow and he’s landed on his feet.

i hope you can bring yourself to end it, for your kids sake at least, and not put them through this any more.

But the arrangement wasn't to give up work to spend more time with his kids - it was to be temporarily supported while he looked for a new job rather than having to find a new one before he resigned because job was shit.

Good luck OP. Get him out and get on with your life. You deserve better. Being on your own is better.

You're taking money that should be for you and your kids and giving it to him and his kids. I don't understand why you would disadvantage your own kids for a man and someone elses family. He'd be gone by the end of the week if it was me tbh 🤷‍♀️