I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

In a physical sense very much so (much to my annoyance at times!) but I’m not sure about qualities wise, I have lost respect for him

He’s a user I’m afraid OP. I think that previous poster might be him, what with the patheiltic excuses of why the poor little sausage can’t be expected to get a job in all this time because it’s soooo much harder for him. Doesn’t he make your skin crawl with his crappy excuses and expectation that everyone else should look after him?

Bin him op. He is taking from your children. Your children are suffering because of him.

We move fast.
very common with homeless wasters

Are there actually jobs out there at the moment in the career / profession that he is in or is it quiet…..or is he in a very niche area

Just wondering if it is him or the industry he is in that is the cause of him not having got more work

In the nicest way OP, wtf are you doing? Can you imagine any scenario where you would let someone bankroll you and your children this way?

You know he's taking advantage of you. You know that the best outcome for your family is for him to move out.

The only thing you need to be doing now is planning when this is going to happen, and putting firm boundaries in place so you don't get sucked back in because I'd bet my house that as soon as you tell him he has to move out and you're no longer paying for his car or his kids, he'll try every tactic he can think of.
Prepare for him to make you feel guilty about his kids, about the agreement for him to leave his job etc.
prepare for him to promise to pay more, do more, get a job.
Prepare for him to be angry and blame you 100% for "making him homeless" etc etc.

You need to get it straight in your mind that you aren't doing any of this. He will need to move and find money because of choices HE has made.

Decide when to tell him and when he needs to move. Ideally tell him when his dc aren't due to stay and give him maybe a night before he had to leave, even if you agree a different date for him to collect his stuff. Getting him out is the main thing.
And don't forget to change the locks when he's gone.

So it's your car.

lol, she literally said she actively encouraged him to leave his job and rely on her support while he looks for something else. Why is she surprised he now doesn’t have a job….

Another mystery: why are you so aggressive and rude?

Every penny you spend on him (including those beers earlier today) should be going towards you and your kids.

@FerryBerryHerry - because I have no patience for victim blamers like yourself. He’s been out of work and sponging off her for years, literally taking money and opportunities from her and her children.

Yes. Ridiculous - are you (@FerryBerryHerry) the cocklodger in question here?

The post is pretty much gaslighting. Where is this man’s responsibility?

I'd sit him down and tell him that him not working has gone on too long now. He can't leave you with all the financial pressure. He either finds a job in the next month and contributes fairly, covering his own (including DC) costs and 50% of the household costs or he's gone. If he argues about it tell him he absolutely doesn't have to get a job, that's a valid choice, but then he has a week to move back to his parents and start paying his own bills by whatever means that isn't from your pocket. People that genuinely love each other don't just watch the other one suffer and struggle whilst they sit on their bum and do nothing.

I totally get the whole teenage love thing and looking at things with rose tinted glasses and so much “what ifs” and “we were meant to be really”. Until about 5 years I ago I looked at my teenage love like this even though Im happily married. Now I see his fb posts and his house looks rancid, I’ve been told he stinks of BO, he chain smokes and he has been stringing the same woman along for 5 years and still won’t call her his girlfriend. He’s 43. The glasses came off!
It’s easy for everyone to say chuck him out but you will do it in your own time.
The sex thing would have seriously pissed me off though, like spend less time trying to shag me, and more time getting a job, useless tosspot.

When I moved back to my hometown after a relationship breakdown, I lived with my sister. I was looking for work, but worked as many part time hours as I could get, and paid proportionately to the bills. Because my sister, who was working full time, was doing my such a favour, I did the vast majority of the shopping, cooking and housework to balance things up. It worked really well. But I came into it with good intent, and was determined not to take advantage. My sister was generous but also clear that I was doing my best. The issue here is that he is not dealing with you honestly, rather than the actual details or hours.

that does explain things a bit more. I was about to say also – well if you agreed 6 weeks, this does change things. But then – agreed 6 weeks for what? To have a think? To find a new job?

It’s really not always that simple. It’d be great if you could guarantee finding a new job within 6 weeks, but imo that’s a very optimistic timeline and even in the best case scenario probably is precisely just about enough time to apply, interview for and be offered the very first job you see. But it leaves ZERO margin for error. And also put bf under a huge amount of pressure.

I don’t know your partner, but I did leave a job once in my 20s, with a similar intention of getting something new, and it’s probably one of the worst experiences mentally I’ve ever had. The uncertainty is awful. The balancing act you need between staying motivated yet not losing your shit with anxiety and fear, retaining a sense of self-esteem and confidence (pretty crucial to project these in the job search) while keeping your feet on the ground. Staying positive while dealing with ever-increasing dread. Not getting psyched out with questions from friends and family. It’s honestly awful.

Did he have (does he have) a career or just ‘a job’? Was the idea to get something in the same industry / line of work, but better? Or a complete career rethink?

Oh op. He’s using you. He planned this. The job turn was fake. He just wanted you to pay for him and his and him to have a life of leisure, he thought you were so loved up you’d pay to be with him and you are.

end it. It’s not going to get better. You don’t need to pay a man to be with you.

But he isnt looking for something else. And he went for his children more from his ex but cannot support them. So he has stopped supporting his children directly or indirectly and isnt interested in changing.

Did he have (does he have) a career or just ‘a job’? Was the idea to get something in the same industry / line of work, but better? Or a complete career rethink?

Just posted about living with my sister, above. It took me 10 months to get another 'career' job. In the meantime I did several temp/part time jobs to ensure I had money to pay my bills. No one with good intent would take what OP said as carte blanche to consider their options indefinitely.

ooooo youre soooo no nonsense 🫢

So OP’s a victim now, rather than someone who also took an active part in creating this situation? (Which OP fully acknowledges)

how have you managed to get so invested, to the point of spitting abuse at other posters, yet you haven’t even read the OP

It’s 8 months, not ‘years’

years ago when I was a single parent I had a job where the conditions changed and it got very miserable. so I found another job while I worked at the grim job and left when I had another one, because I was a single parent and couldn't sit on my arse waiting for the right job to turn up. He should have done this. Get him back to his mum and dads and you could be going on hol this summer with your kids and having a car again!

As @HopeFloatsAbove says 'I had one of those men in my life and once he was gone my finances just drastically changed for the better, and so did my emotional well being. He does not love you.' Sometimes I think having known someone before can speed up the pace of your trust; it seems that your trust was misplaced. His ex may well have had the measure of him and now so have you. Being with someone like this is utterly draining. When I left this situation myself, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Cut him lose OP. Your priority must be yourself and your DC and his man risks the wellbeing and security of both.

You don't need to feel guilty to take your life back, because nobody is going to get physically hurt, be homeless, going hungry etc.
He can move back in with mummy and daddy, they've got room for him if he lived there before, and THEY are the ones who have raised him to be this way, it's only fair they're the ones to accomodate that.
Kids can go full time with their mum, or stay at grandparents with dad during his contact time, as they also did before he imposed on you.
You stop paying his car finance and insurance. If you give him the money direct then stop transferring it/stop putting it an account he has access to. If you pay by direct debit etc then cancel them. It is in his name, it is him they will chase for the payments, and his credit score that will be trashed if he defaults. He can have mummy pay for it for him, or surrender the car back to finance company., with a payment plan set up if needed to cover any outstanding costs. Insurance can be cancelled. Same with kids activities, dad can figure out how to pay for it, get his parents to pay, ask kids mum etc. If nobody can/aren't willing, he has to take responsibilty and explain to kids they can't go anymore because he can't afford it.

Think of it this way, you'll actually be doing HIM a favour. When the proverbial comfort blanket of you doing everything is pulled off, he has to either give up and get help if it's MH related, OR if its laziness and CBA, he'll have to step up, get a job, and cover his own bills. That sharp shock may be the motivation he needs to get his shit together, for himself and his kids. And you and your own children will only be better off, with more money and more importantly, time together.

It doesn't have to be the end of your relationship necessarily if you want to see if you can work things out, living apart doesn't stop you dating, it just takes some pressure off of you to see if you still have feelings without the resentment of the situation you're in. If he kicks off at you for not being willing to indefinitely house and finance him, well then you see his true intentions and can walk away with your head held high, and know it was him that was flawed, and you gve it your all.

Gaslighting 😂😂

I suppose I’m a narcissist too?

I’m not bothered about your opinion, why are you pair so obsessed with mine?

Just move on, there’s room for more than one opinion, that’s why OP is on a public forum asking a bunch of strangers what they think

When I hear "childhood sweethearts", I come out in a rash.
Sorry.

Yes best move on, there’s no point engaging with arseholes.

Oh perfect. He can move back in with his parents. I'm sure he can still have his children there, probaby just not overnight. And he has his own car. Mummy and Daddy can take over the payments or he can sell it. Either way, not your problem.

Tell him he needs to pack up and leave this week. You are done. If he tries to make excuses and declare undying love, remember this - you are taking money off your own children to give to a waster and his children.