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Original poster

I think I have done a terrible thing

607 replies

Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 17:39

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Freakinfraser · 18/03/2024 08:55

Vacumwondering · 18/03/2024 08:00

Hi all,

long day yesterday. Still rid! And tbh this might be easier that I thought it was! I dropped him off at his mums, so far only had a couple of texts saying he doesn’t want to loose me, he wants things to be ok between us etc, but not as much as I thought there would be.

He Isn’t on the mortgage so that’s good!

I used to just transfer him directly to his bank the money for his bills etc so it’s easy to just not to that now. They all still come out of his bank account.

I am also keeping the car, I have work etc so when I dropped him off yesterday I just drove away in the car and he hasn’t mentioned needing it, why would he? He doesn’t have anywhere to go in it!

if he asks I will say that I will pay for it and keep it to use until I can get my own.

feeling ok tbh, came home from lunch and had a nap and up now for work. Surprisingly I actually don’t miss him as much as I thought I would!

Think how much he begs depends on how much his mother is willing to step in and do it all for him instead. If she’s willing to give him money and do the child care, and let him use her car, he will be off, as that’s all he wants.

if I was you I’d feel a sense of relief. Literally paying a bloke to be with you is going to fucking kill your self esteem.

RadFs · 18/03/2024 09:11

Vacumwondering · 18/03/2024 08:00

Hi all,

long day yesterday. Still rid! And tbh this might be easier that I thought it was! I dropped him off at his mums, so far only had a couple of texts saying he doesn’t want to loose me, he wants things to be ok between us etc, but not as much as I thought there would be.

He Isn’t on the mortgage so that’s good!

I used to just transfer him directly to his bank the money for his bills etc so it’s easy to just not to that now. They all still come out of his bank account.

I am also keeping the car, I have work etc so when I dropped him off yesterday I just drove away in the car and he hasn’t mentioned needing it, why would he? He doesn’t have anywhere to go in it!

if he asks I will say that I will pay for it and keep it to use until I can get my own.

feeling ok tbh, came home from lunch and had a nap and up now for work. Surprisingly I actually don’t miss him as much as I thought I would!

Great news @Vacumwondering you’ll feel a whole lot better. Assumed you were in England but you’ve just mentioned had much and resuming work and it’s still early here

Beautiful3 · 18/03/2024 09:22

Well done op, I'm really proud of you. Normally posters never listen to good advice on here. I'm so glad you listened, imagine how much your life's improved now. You deserve so much better. I would start looking for your own car ASAP and give his back. Otherwise it still ties you to him, and that isn't good.

CALLI0PE · 18/03/2024 09:31

He’s being nice because he thinks it’s temporary. he’s waiting for you to “ calm down “ and to start missing him.

Once he know you mean it ( do you mean it? ) then he will ramp up the guilt and manipulation . he will promise you the moon on a stick . He won’t give up on his cushy life without a fight.

Be warned @Vacumwondering .

Bluegray2 · 18/03/2024 09:49

You did the right thing, why should you be caring for another man child and financing his lazy ass. He probably thought you were going to continue doing it so this must be a good wake up call for him , let his poor mother deal with him now, he knows exactly what he needs to do if he wants you back so if he does want you back he will do it

Your life must seem so much less stressfull without him.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 18/03/2024 09:54

so far only had a couple of texts saying he doesn’t want to loose me, he wants things to be ok between us etc

I bet he does.

Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything.

As the woman/mum, I do most of everything.

I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home

Noshowlomo · 18/03/2024 09:56

Great news OP

almostthere75 · 18/03/2024 10:00

Amazing work OP.
Be proud of your independence and just let him rebuild his life and not drag you down anymore.
He is not your responsibility.
He will be ok. He needs to finance his own children, with a job ,with some of the child benefit and/or universal credits -he HAS to take responsibility for that.

TheFormidableMrsC · 18/03/2024 11:52

Vacumwondering · 18/03/2024 08:00

Hi all,

long day yesterday. Still rid! And tbh this might be easier that I thought it was! I dropped him off at his mums, so far only had a couple of texts saying he doesn’t want to loose me, he wants things to be ok between us etc, but not as much as I thought there would be.

He Isn’t on the mortgage so that’s good!

I used to just transfer him directly to his bank the money for his bills etc so it’s easy to just not to that now. They all still come out of his bank account.

I am also keeping the car, I have work etc so when I dropped him off yesterday I just drove away in the car and he hasn’t mentioned needing it, why would he? He doesn’t have anywhere to go in it!

if he asks I will say that I will pay for it and keep it to use until I can get my own.

feeling ok tbh, came home from lunch and had a nap and up now for work. Surprisingly I actually don’t miss him as much as I thought I would!

Well done! He can go and leach off somebody else can't he? Enjoy your life and your kids and don't let yourself get into a situation like this again. I'm so pleased for you! Flowers

tara66 · 18/03/2024 12:11

Congratulations! Hope he is grateful in long run for the reality check!

pikkumyy77 · 18/03/2024 12:27

Wow! You are the gold standard! Way to go!

Starseeking · 18/03/2024 12:33

I am also keeping the car, I have work etc so when I dropped him off yesterday I just drove away in the car and he hasn’t mentioned needing it, why would he? He doesn’t have anywhere to go in it!

@Vacumwondering

The above actually made me snort with laughter, I've been invested in your thread and fist pumped on reading this lol You must be feeling euphoric with how easy things have been since you took this decision; that's what I love about MN, sometime the view of others helps you to see more clearly what's been staring you in the face.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 18/03/2024 12:36

@Vacumwondering please be very careful about the car. If he reports it as stolen, you could get in shit. Please seek advice. I'd either return it and stop the payments on it, then get your own. Or get it agreed in writing from him that you are allowed to use it, or get it agreed in writing from him that you are allowed to keep it and get the paperwork sorted ASAP.

Please don't leave yourself vulnerable to a theft accusation. I don't think the police will care if you pay for it, if your name isn't on the log book or finance details, then without written confirmation that you're allowed to be driving it, you could land yourself in hot water...

justasking111 · 18/03/2024 13:05

His poor mother stuck with him again 🙈

CALLI0PE · 18/03/2024 13:06

ReadingSoManyThreads · 18/03/2024 12:36

@Vacumwondering please be very careful about the car. If he reports it as stolen, you could get in shit. Please seek advice. I'd either return it and stop the payments on it, then get your own. Or get it agreed in writing from him that you are allowed to use it, or get it agreed in writing from him that you are allowed to keep it and get the paperwork sorted ASAP.

Please don't leave yourself vulnerable to a theft accusation. I don't think the police will care if you pay for it, if your name isn't on the log book or finance details, then without written confirmation that you're allowed to be driving it, you could land yourself in hot water...

This is very good advice. I know you don’t think it will happen, because hes still nice mode.

Once realises it’s over , he might get nasty.

Freakinfraser · 18/03/2024 13:08

Op if he makes some lame arse promise and you’re tempted to take him back , which I really hope you don’t, then tell him when he can pay his share of the bills , his car and look after his kids, you will consider it, but you will not be subsidising him. If you stop paying for him and being his servant, he will fuck off.

Freakinfraser · 18/03/2024 13:12

Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 17:56

Yes, but he kinda plays the victim: ‘you suggested this, why wouldn’t I have taken you up on this, anyone would have done the same’, I try and help when you are at work etc but it doesn’t change anything ultimately

Show quote history

I wouldn’t. And I expect you wouldn’t, I’d habe too much self respect. But it just shows his mercenary attitude to you.

KalaMush · 18/03/2024 13:22

This is great news OP!

LittleGreenDragons · 18/03/2024 13:26

CALLI0PE · 18/03/2024 09:31

He’s being nice because he thinks it’s temporary. he’s waiting for you to “ calm down “ and to start missing him.

Once he know you mean it ( do you mean it? ) then he will ramp up the guilt and manipulation . he will promise you the moon on a stick . He won’t give up on his cushy life without a fight.

Be warned @Vacumwondering .

I agree with this. Be prepared for the multiple texts of begging, pleading, how dare you anger. It can knock you sideways. Hopefully it won't happen and he's realised the game is up.

Start looking at autotrader online to see what kind of car you can afford for yourself and buy it soon. If he turns nasty then he will definitely report you as taking without consent.

ClutchingOurBananas · 18/03/2024 13:27

CALLI0PE · 18/03/2024 13:06

This is very good advice. I know you don’t think it will happen, because hes still nice mode.

Once realises it’s over , he might get nasty.

Show quote history

He will find himself in a lot of trouble if he reports the car stolen. Honestly, the police are not going to be impressed with it.

it would still be much better for the OP to get her own car. But she can easily send a text confirming that since she has been paying the car payment and the car insurance for the last 8 months, she will continue to use it (and do so) until she has acquired a replacement for the car she sold to reduce costs as he was not contributing financially.

He would be an absolute idiot to call the police and say she’s stolen the car.

almostthere75 · 18/03/2024 13:33

I'd be tempted to leave him with the car and the car finance now😂

You'd be better renting a car (leasing🤔) just to be free of links to him.

whatsitcalledwhen · 18/03/2024 13:56

@ClutchingOurBananas

He will find himself in a lot of trouble if he reports the car stolen. Honestly, the police are not going to be impressed with it.

it would still be much better for the OP to get her own car. But she can easily send a text confirming that since she has been paying the car payment and the car insurance for the last 8 months, she will continue to use it (and do so) until she has acquired a replacement for the car she sold to reduce costs as he was not contributing financially.

I think unfortunately he could report it stolen as it's all in his name including the finance. While we know that OP pays for it, she said she sends him money for all the bills so presumably they come out of his account as the finance is in his name. When it comes to a paper trail, she has no legal claim to the car so he could definitely say she has stolen it. I know that's madness morally, but OP should be aware of it.

Catoo · 18/03/2024 14:36

Well done OP.
Agree with PP about car.
I would lease for a week while you look for one to buy.

💐

pavedwithgoodintentions · 18/03/2024 16:12

If it's your house, change the locks.
Deliver his things to his mum's.

Xenoi24 · 18/03/2024 16:51

ReadingSoManyThreads · 18/03/2024 12:36

@Vacumwondering please be very careful about the car. If he reports it as stolen, you could get in shit. Please seek advice. I'd either return it and stop the payments on it, then get your own. Or get it agreed in writing from him that you are allowed to use it, or get it agreed in writing from him that you are allowed to keep it and get the paperwork sorted ASAP.

Please don't leave yourself vulnerable to a theft accusation. I don't think the police will care if you pay for it, if your name isn't on the log book or finance details, then without written confirmation that you're allowed to be driving it, you could land yourself in hot water...

This.

You said it's in his name, I think.