I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

Well done op - it obviously can't have been easy but it's the right decision for you and your kids.

I've recently had to tell H that he can't retire at 55 (when the mortgage is paid off) as he needs to bring in half the bills. He was imagining that he'd retire and do fuck all at home while I'd continue to work FT to finance it. That was a difficult conversation as we are married and have a DS between us.

But I know we he wouldn't do the house work and him leaving work would mean I'd have to work until 67 as I couldn't afford to retire. It was really hard saying that as I felt I was being a bitch but why should I finance another adult who's capeable of working!

Make sure you don't let DP back. Fine to do dates and a holiday but do t let him move back in!

Tell him you want to work half of the week & you expect him to work the other half. It's not negotiable, or you can't be together. Because he has to contribute. That's what I'd do

JFC. He saw you coming love. Get rid

The op in this case is paying for everything including her stepchildren! Also had to sell her car to support her lazy DP. I think her story is pretty exceptional!

Is that woman after moving in with a boyfriend and then just deciding to give up work so that her boyfriend pays for her, her kids and all their bills and he doesn't get any say in it?

She's not married to him therefore they aren't her step children. She has zero ties or responsibilities to them, just random kids really. That she's paying for at the expense of her own children. He's pulled an absolute blinder here tbh. Top marks in the cocklodger guild.

These men all follow the same spiel don’t they?

Ever come across that novel idea, mutual consent? Or didn't that enter your incel brain?

Every single thread there's some MRA wondering this with almost the exact same words. And no, this is nothing like the thread to which you refer.

Time to sit down with him and say "Yes, I suggested this, so you could have time to think about what you want to do and start doing it. Eight months is more than enough time. You can't honestly expect me to support you and your children for ever. If you haven't worked out what job you want to do, just get any job, or move out."

Actually that situation is very different. On that thread they are shared DC and far, far younger. The couple is married and, crucially, in agreement about a considered choice for their family. (If we are talking about the same thread.)

Hopefully you've made it clear to him that he and his DC are not to come back...because if you let any of them all return, I doubt they'll leave.

I'd go as far as to take a day off work to pack up all his things in your house, and drop them off at his parents, so he has no excuse to ever darken your door again.

Also, no more you sleeping on the sofa. If anyone isn’t getting to sleep in your bed: it’s him.

He can stay at his parents.

Thing is, if he suddenly gets a job it won’t make things better. You’ll know that he absolutely could have done it at any time but chose to take the piss out of you instead.

And if he decides just to leech off his parents instead… you’ll still know you made the right choice.

All the money you’ve been spending on him and his children can now go on your family.

Do not make any more payments for him.

words are meaningless in this situation - you beed actions, him to get his own place, a job, pay bills - it wont happen, but he will promise he will,

@Vacumwondering

I really hope you return with a positive update...

Hi @Vacumwondering hope your day with with your DD went well. Time to get rid. You’ve been taken for a mug. Your partner has no intentions of working. You are servicing him and his children. Your children won’t be thanking you for it. How did you even think of getting rid of your own car

Hope you got rid?

I'd be cautious about how this is handled with the children depending on the bond they have with the OP.

The kids didn't ask for any of this and it could be very traumatic to just one day be told they're not going back there with no chance to say goodbye, to the OP, or the OPs kids or even their bedrooms that they've been in for the past few months.

Their dad is a dickhead, and it's his fault but I think if you involve yourself in kids lives in that meaningful way and have them living with you 50/50 then you owe them some consideration.

That doesn't mean carrying on the relationship, or giving this man a chance or continuing on with the arrangement even though it's not working, but it's potentially very cruel to just pack up their stuff and tell their dad not to bring them back and then never see them again.

Hi all,

long day yesterday. Still rid! And tbh this might be easier that I thought it was! I dropped him off at his mums, so far only had a couple of texts saying he doesn’t want to loose me, he wants things to be ok between us etc, but not as much as I thought there would be.

He Isn’t on the mortgage so that’s good!

I used to just transfer him directly to his bank the money for his bills etc so it’s easy to just not to that now. They all still come out of his bank account.

I am also keeping the car, I have work etc so when I dropped him off yesterday I just drove away in the car and he hasn’t mentioned needing it, why would he? He doesn’t have anywhere to go in it!

if he asks I will say that I will pay for it and keep it to use until I can get my own.

feeling ok tbh, came home from lunch and had a nap and up now for work. Surprisingly I actually don’t miss him as much as I thought I would!

Great news, OP. Sometimes the worst bit is the decision-making. Onwards and upwards. And excellent news about the car, but if I were you I'd want to be sure that the insurance and lease purchase agreement allowed me to assume ownership and sort out any administrative/ legal issues arising from that. Is the car in his name? He may need to sign it over to you. Have a good day.

This is the best news to wake up to. I was thinking of you op. So glad you have stuck to your guns. Don't let him weedle his way back in.

Bloody amazing OP.

Keep strong 💪 and think of the amazing life ahead for you and your beautiful DC.

Well done. Make sure you take him off anything that’s still in his name (car insurance etc). Onwards and upwards! I bet your kids are (quietly) delighted.

Wow, well done OP! Yes, get the car sorted into your name, or stop paying for it and get another for yourself.

What a big step you've taken, sending good wishes for you and your DC.

Did you change the locks?