I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

Wow, he has skilfully manipulated you into basically being a surrogate mother to him so he can carry on being a lazy man child.

Don’t blame yourself, OP, these men are very clever when it comes to exploiting kind and caring women. Don’t fall for any more of his bullshit. Put yourself and your kids first and get rid.

Well done op!

He does not come back. Whatever is going on with his DC as harsh as it sounds is not your concern. You've got your own DC to be responsible for.

He will try and come back. They always do. After all it was a lovely life for him. But no.

yep, he will now be doing everything he can to try getting a job and tell you he's doing everything you want, what more do you want? I think its time to have that difficult conversation and say you're not happy and don't love him anymore, he can't argue with that surely? and it's the truth

Have a full and frank conversation without getting acrimonious, put him on notice that he really needs to look for work in earnest and give him an opportunity to make good. Help him pull out all the stops to get a job - he's got into a rut and needs encouragement

HE'S a grown man and SHE'S not his mother.

@Vacumwondering cancel the payment for his car TODAY

Definitely change the locks

Good riddance

Let me guess, back in the day he was the one who wanted the music career, was he?

Give him a deadline to get a job or he needs to leave

Och give him back to his mummy

Quite.

Why do so many posters infantilise men like this?

It’s not up to the OP to fix his problems. Nor has she caused them. Telling someone she would support him for 6 weeks while they find a new job does not make the OP responsible for this situations. Indeed, she didn’t ever agree to entirely support him he was supposed to have a payment for his unused annual leave - but he lied about that/used the leave so he didn’t have to work.

It’s also absolutely OK to be ‘acrimonious’ when someone has been taking the piss out of you.

There’s no need to tiptoe around his feelings - and certainly not to make yourself responsible for them.

He’s a grown man with children he isn’t providing for.

People are allowed to be angry with him. I bet his ex is furious. The OP should be too.

Well done OP. Can you go round tonight and drop all his stuff off?

And tomorrow buy yourself your own car, even just a cheap runaround to get you by for a while.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love

But all short of getting a job or paying for himself or his DCs. Y'know, something meaningful. You've got him out, don't let him back in. Whatever he promises.

Aw OP this is such a rubbish situation to be in.

You need to be strong and do what’s right for you and your kids.

He is taking the absolute piss.

Ask yourself what you would have done in his circumstances?

In his shoes I would work ANYWHERE. I would do ANY JOB to be able to support my family. While off I would have taken most of the physical and mental load from you too. You gave him a way out of a bad situation in work, you supported him to see his children more. In return he has taken advantage of you.

Take control. Go out and buy yourself a car on finance. Stop paying his. He can hand it back if needed. Tell him to go back to his mums and that you won’t be financing him any longer. He will get access to benefits as a single man. Although I suspect a job will suddenly materialise when he doesn’t have you supporting him financially.

THIS is your chance to take back some self respect and build your self esteem. Staying with someone who treats you this way will only destroy it further.

Yes, I was thinking the replies would be different if OP were male and her partner female

@LiveLaughCryalot

Have you added him to your mortgage @Vacumwondering ?

Oh my - I really hope not!!

And yes - get his keys back but don't rely on him not having duplicates - after all he's shown he's not averse to taking advantage of you - get your locks/lock barrels changed ASAP. 🌹

Good first step. A lot easier to end it when he's out of the house. He just doesn't come back.

Except that on the thread you're referring to:

• The children are joint between OP and her DH. She's not asking DH to pay for someone else's children.
• Her DH supports her thinking.
• Childcare costs more than she earns.

Posters on that thread have pointed out drawbacks to her giving up work, but it's not the same situation at all.

Good update OP,
If you still want to be with him I would tell him that he can come back when he has a (full time) job.

Get ready for the tears OP

you were childhood sweethearts, broke up, got back together after you both started a whole family with someone else, blended the families and now you want to break up again.
in out in out shake it all about you do the hokey pokey and you turn around that’s what it’s all about

And also on that thread the DC are pre school age, so she will be busy doing full time childcare. Whereas the man on this thread has school age DC so his days are free.

Good God, I really hope you find the strength to get rid of this leach. What an absolute waste of space. I would have zero respect for anybody who behaved like this. Don't let him deflect, get him out. You and your kids deserve better. I've been single for ten years. I'm far from lonely, have a very full life and would never allow any man anywhere near my house. I hope you won't either when you've got out of this mess. Good luck.

Please tell me you'll be no longer paying his expenses?