I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

Well done OP! Drop him off and don't have him move back at all. If he wants to go out with you, he can do it from his parents while paying for his own car and his own DC and everything else that is his responsibility. Chances are he won't and he'll look to move in with someone else who'll fund his parasitic behaviour because he looks good and keeps up a facade for a while. I think when he's gone you won't want him back anyway. You'll feel like the burden has lifted and can get your own car and get your own life back and start to enjoy yourself, which then leads to new ways to fix the loneliness (without moving a leech in).

Well done OP, so glad you found the strength to send him on his way. He showed his true colours by trying to deflect by making it about his child and not being able to talk to you because you're so stressed. Stressed thanks to him of course but he wouldn't see that! You will feel so much lighter when he is out of your home and hopefully your life!

Well done. Of course you'll wonder if you're being unfair and he'll prey on your good nature. Anticipate this and plan for it. Have some stock phrases ready like "we'll have to disagree on that / I've being clear now about what I expect to happen" etc.
And ultimately, talk to your children and be honest that sometimes we make mistakes in relationships and we need to have honest conversations with our friends and family and be open to reconsidering our decisions. You're not asking them to make the decision for you, you've realised that things need to change in your relationship with the pretty boy, and you want them to be able to talk to you about their feelings on the matter. What would you want them to do if they ever end up in a similar situation? Try to do that. Good luck.

And how dare he try to guilt you about his DC because you're too 'stressed'! The effin cheek of it. That alone tells you everything about how he views you - that you have to be endlessly giving and him and his DC are all he cares about.

That's his DC who has this sudden and most likely fictitious problem. So it is for him to sort, not your problem.
You need to detach from him and his issues. I suspect if he talks to his ex and says he can't have the DC's 50/50 anymore as is living back with his parents, she will understand all too well why you've booted him out.
He's engineered this, organised 50/50 so that he didn't have to pay her any maintenance all the while having you run around after them so it didn't increase his effort.
I take issue with your statement " as the woman, and mum" you do the majority, his words or yours? I hope not yours because its basically saying that it's a woman's role to do everything in life so the man can sit back and relax - what a load of misogynistic BS!

Well done. Now change the locks...

The thing is, it's all very well asking him to have a think about his behaviour but this is who he is. IF he gets a job he will give it 3-6 months before you end up back at square one again. He believes him and his children are entitled to you and your children's time and money.
I agree with a pp, you were likely chosen by him for this very reason. Easily manipulated into believing you and your children somehow owed him and his.
The only thing he will reflect on and think about is how to get you back into that mindset long term. Expect much more manipulation coming your way. He will not give up his gravy train easily. He will just become more sneaky.

When he tries to guilt you remember your reaction to PP's post in your daughter's voice. It's spot on. Good luck to you and your children.

Wow - well done OP! From what seemed like a hopeless situation yesterday afternoon to actually getting him out of your house today - that's what I call a speedy positive result!

So get him physically out of your home and then once he's gone, bag up all his shit in bin bags and drop them round to his mum's. And FGS get the locks changed so he can't come wandering back.

This should not be thinking time. This should be it. Pack his stuff drive it all to his mums. Then give him the car- don't pay another penny on it. If it's repossessed then that's his problem it's in his name. But a cheap second hand car go out today and get one after lunch.

Never see him again. His dc are his problem, his accommodation is his problem, his car is his problem.

THIS.

Good luck with the next days. As has been pointed out, he's going to ramp up the emotional manipulation cos he's landed on his feet to date - everything paid for, childcare sorted, his loans paid while he relaxes on the sofa 24 /7.

Start by cancelling all your payments to him and use your money to sort out a car etc.

Remember he'll promise you everything to get his bum back on that sofa and his hands back on your income.

Couldn't agree more.

Well done OP - onwards and upwards.

Don't let him come back.

Others are right: your own children will be feeling this, they are losing you and everything you used to do with them so you can support this loser and his children ... all at the expense of yourself and your own children.

He is a absolute cocklodger, and his attempting to once again deflect by saying his DC is having a tough time doesn't even begin to excuse 8 MONTHS of doing absolutely fuck all to actually job search properly and step up at home and carry the load there in the meantime.

Tell him he isn't welcome back and you're putting his belongings into bags/boxes and you'll be dropping them off at his mum's tonight.

He can have his car back after you sort a new one for yourself/and your own DCs since you're the one paying to run it.

Good OP. Well done. Change the locks. Don’t look back. Get your life back into control.

He tried to say that one of his DC has a lot going on and he can’t tell me about it because I’m so stressed and that’s really sad blah, blah…deflection always.

He sounds worse and worse! You're ok to facilitate him being a lazy arse and paying for everything for him and his children but not good enough to share concerns about the children you're paying for?
Nah! Drop him at his mum's and let him stay there!

Maybe you should tell him you have decided to give up your job as you are struggling! Watch the panic on his face and perhaps he’ll start a job search?

I am in a not dissimilar situation. My DH and I moved fast, he moved in, didn’t pay towards bills etc. there is also a stepchild involved (his from pp), I got preg and he opted to be sahp. Anyway after about two weeks of him doing no housework etc I was firm that sahp
is a job, I expect him to do washing, keep house clean, take dd to activities, keep the fridge stocked, and teach her things, organise the appointments etc. I was serious that if he did not want the sahp job he could leave. Since that he has totally changed, it was like by giving it the title of job and clear ‘tasks’ he suddenly got that it was important. We are a year in now and I have to say I’m surprised at how much he has loved the stay at home role and kind of realised all I was doing. He has also recently been doing some freelance work as he said he wants dd to see him contribute financially too. I don’t really know if I pulled him out of a depression with my ultimatum or what but I think sometimes men just need more direct handling. They are not all going to ‘get it’ through hints.

Others are right: your own children will be feeling this, they are losing you and everything you used to do with them so you can support this loser and his children ... all at the expense of yourself and your own children.

This.

OP, this relationship is to the detriment of your children.

Isn't that enough for you to definitively end it rather than give him some vague thinking time?

@Vacumwondering - be prepared for the push back in terms of “oh I’ll change etc etc”.

Bear in mind - the situation with the previous job was HIM not the job / manager.

Cocklodgers with children ALWAYS come from their mum & dad’s house. Funny that!

Repeat to him ad nauseum … “parents with 50/50 custody the world over hold down full time jobs”

Cancel the car direct debit TODAY

Do bear in mind that the money he goes drinking with is your children’s money.

Stay strong!! Being alone is much better than being with a man with so little self respect he is happy to sponge of his partner and her kids.

Hi Op just want to add to the chorus that you have done the right thing. I have no doubt he will try to guilt you into being a meal ticket again. Don’t do this he is taking your resource and energy that should be spent on your children please remember that and cut him out permanently. Don’t worry about being alone, get your life back. Focus on other relationships that aren’t so one sided, your kids, family, friends and see where cultivating positive relationships gets you. You gave it a go it didn’t work, don’t beat yourself up, move forward.

And don’t listen to his parents who will equally want rid of him.

If one parent doesn’t work then they should be the domestic lead. Whatever hours you work, he should be working the same but at home to make your life easier. He should have healthy food on the table for when you get home. He should be doing all the sorting of kids homework/uniform/clubs etc. any time outside of those working hours should be divided equally. You should both have the same amount of free time.

Well done OP.

You've had some great advice and you've listened.

I'm a lone parent, career, own home etc we work bloody hard and this should always be focused on benefiting our own DC.

Start planning ahead with your DC. A fun holiday or trip etc.

Create a new baseline. Tell them it's over and why. They will be cheering you on.

And as a side note I know you said you are worried about being alone, don't be. Being alone is what made you resilient to start with. Getting through loneliness to the other side ensures your boundaries. Once you are comfortable again in your own company you won't compromise your life or boundaries for a crappy man.

One thing, always make sure a man is a fully grown adult, independent financially etc. we are not their support humans, their mothers. It feels like you walked into a parent child relationship with this one.

And if you are still in love with him, do yourself a favour, refuse to be in a relationship until he is back on his feet operating as a normal adult.

This is my own doing basically 😫

This is poor logic and will serve only to make you feel even worse.

You were generous with an equal partner.

He misused it - that is all.

Don't turn it on yourself - feel free to leave.