I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

He should go if he doesn't obviously. My original post mentioned his pulling his weight and applying for any kind of job to get him back on an even keel.

Don't beat yourself up. We've all been fooled by people before. Just fix the situation and get him to move back to his parents on a day his children are at their mother's. Cancel any payments to his loans, insurance etc. Then get on with prioritising your own family.

You're not on your own, OP, men like this do it by degrees, they're never upfront saying, "Well I'll move in if you like but I'll be stopping working, won't lift a finger and will expect you to finance every little thing I need as well as expecting you to run around after my kids as well as yours".

It would be so much better and easier if they said this.

Stop all the financing arrangements. The money that you're spending on his car can be used to get something for yourself to run about it. You need it, he doesn't.

I'm glad writing it down has helped, I wish I'd not been so accommodating myself back when I was younger, it set the scene and it's taken a long time to recognise it and put a stop to it.

An excellent poster said once, "Women are not hospitals for broken men". Add restaurants and banking facilities to that.

You'll get there. Make a list of priorities and start on those - and he needs to get a job or get out, right away.

OP I'm going to try to give you a different perspective on this; you didn't create this situation. You were selected by him because he knew he could manipulate you into supporting him.

Have you read the op's posts? even the first one? I suggest you do. constant petty arguments, she speaks about being beyond caring now, her children simply tolerate him, she has lost respect for him, he does the bare minimum at home while she's out at work, and when she gets in after 12 hour days, he pesters her for sex. She is literally asking whether she'd be heartless and in the wrong for ending this relationship. In the first post.

When it was just me and DC we had a good life tbh, tough at times but holiday every year etc completely different now

That's the really exasperating part of all this. Your poor kids, having their standard of life depreciated and all for what - so their mother can relive some teenage fantasy?

You should not have advised him to leave his job without having another one to go to, and he sure as shit shouldn't have listened to you (although from what you describe, I bet he was more than happy to!).

I hope you two didn't leave your partners for this shitshow.

OP have you heard of the FOG? Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

Often it refers to the way parents will try to manipulate adult children, but it applies here too. Read up on it - FOG. This site suggests in its title that the person you feel the FOG towards has a personality disorder. Ignore that bit. It is exactly the same when that person is just a selfish cocklodger.

As PPs have said, reverse your thinking. Instead of considering what you've given him and what you would be taking away from him, think about what you are already taking away from your children.

If the OP felt so unambiguously about the situation as you suggest, then she probably wouldnt be on here asking for advice and opinion and wouldve ended the relationship by now.

The only ambiguities seem to stem from her own sense of guilt/obligation towards him, her fears of being lonely, and his physical attractiveness. The first is unfounded, the others are not reasons to put up with him and with being drained of money, energy, time and love. So often women put up with this shit and feel bad prioritising their own needs (plus those of their DC) and men know how to exacerbate this to their advantage, wittingly or unwittingly. If PPs being unambiguous helps to cut through this for OP, it can only be a good thing.

And you can undo it.

Tell him he needs to be gone in one week.

Please get rid of this cocklodging leach.

You can phrase it as wanting to live by yourself OP but you could still remain in touch as friends/lovers, if you dislike the thought of going cold turkey. No doubt this would fizzle out as he is clearly a complete waste of space and a user.

Yes! Please get him gone!

I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has commented. I slept on the sofa last night as I just couldn’t bare him.

i have briefly spoken to him this morning and told him he has taken the absolute piss out of me and I want him to have a serious think about what he is going to do about it…at his mums.

Iv said im taking my DD out today In the car and will drop him on the way out. His DC not here.

He tried to say that one of his DC has a lot going on and he can’t tell me about it because I’m so stressed and that’s really sad blah, blah…deflection always.

Looking forward to lunch and feeling very little else

The rubbish doesn’t take itself out.

No I have to drive it! 🙄

Please don’t beat yourself up about any of it OP. You are kind and caring, and he has massively taken advantage of your lovely giving nature

Well done for saying something to him. It won’t be the last conversation, but it’s probably the most important.

You've been trying to see things from his perspective for a long time now and doing what you can to help him. Now you’re looking after yourself, let’s see if he can step up and recognise the role he’s played in your stress and whether he’s willing to do anything.

Time to get angry, OP! You are right, he has enormously taken the piss. He’s a weak, lazy loser. Don’t fall for any sob stories.

He tried to say that one of his DC has a lot going on and he can’t tell me about it because I’m so stressed and that’s really sad blah, blah…deflection always

Typical narc response- the pity plays are coming out now to make you out to be the unreasonable one.

There will be more- trust me. "I cant believe you're doing this to me, to US", "I thought you loved me", "I don't know how I'll cope alone, I might end up doing something I regret you know", "How can you do this to my children?".

When they don't work it will turn to anger and crocodile tears. Also, promises to change "I'll get a job- see I'm looking now" but then there will always be some stupid reason why the job wont work or the boss seemed horrible blah blah stupid blah

Don't give in- he's taking you for an absolute mug.

Good for you OP. You are taking back control of your life.

Excellent! Please don’t let him come back

...How could this never have occurred to you?
The only reason to move an unrelated male in to a kids home is if it's in their best interests. Not the case here, it's solely in your leechs interests and benefit.

Well Done OP for giving him ''the message'' and for dropping him off at his DP!
If he suddenly turns over a new leaf it may be you taught him the lesson - so he should be grateful!
Tell him as he gets out the car - ''hope you become a hard working millionaire and see you around''!

All of this. This is exactly how it will play out.
At the very least, stop paying for his damn car. It's all in his name so on him if he doesn't pay. Have you added him to your mortgage @Vacumwondering ?

Well I mean that’s a start. But all you’ve done is tell him to think about it. Can you really not bring yourself to end it?

Please stay strong !
I really hope he gets in the car and goes to his parents - tho...
it's his car ? so you and dc will be walking back ?

or will he do the decent thing and let you hold on to the car for a bit as you have been paying for it