I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

He is responsible for his DC and yet "putting the feelers out" is the closest he's got to finding paid employment to support his family.

you would not be brutal or unfair or unkind to get shot of someone who is basically soaking away your hard earned resources away from your family. He's the one who's unfair, unkind, etc not you,

So you and more importantly your kids are missing out on holidays, days out and life experience in general because some lazy twat has moved in?

You wanted different things when you were teenagers. Nothing has changed. Except that you are now financing him.

Get rid of this cocklodger op & enjoy the last few years with your kids living at home.

Good luck.

we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career)

You still want different things in life. You want a career to support your family, and he wants to sponge off you.... sorry OP, but get rid!

Time to start putting yourself and your child first. You've allowed a man to drain your money, time and energy. Tell him to leave and put an end to paying for his car, and his kids mobile plans! He has zero respect for you. Get rid. You can do alot better. I hope you and you daughter start enjoying life more with your reclaimed money. Better holidays and days out.

That's a totally different situation- she was planning on giving up work to save the family money, as childcare fees were more than her salary. She was also still with the child's other parent, who was in agreement with her.

Are you an MRA, by any chance?

He is absolutely taking the piss and I say that as someone who also encouraged my DP to quit a job he was unhappy in.

I supported us as a household for a year but throughout that time he worked odd days/weeks through an agency to pay his personal expenses (car, phone, debts). He put the effort into gaining his qualifications and he’s now the higher earner, pays equally into the home and covers all the nicer things. He was never fully happy with being a kept man, it was just the way it was.

Your DP needs to step up or ship out. It’s not your fault he has no back up plan in place

In a nutshell but maybe not quite so brutally put. People on here are very quick to dispense the 'kick him to the curb' option. Its a bit glib to dismiss this as mere 'cocklodging'.

He's probably feeling a bit crap. Being out of work for a while knocks your confidence and self-esteem. You can begin to feel hopeless and go into denial especially if you're not actually experiencing the financial consequences of not working. You're being very supportive so he's become overly reliant on you. Have a full and frank conversation without getting acrimonious, put him on notice that he really needs to look for work in earnest and give him an opportunity to make good. Help him pull out all the stops to get a job - he's got into a rut and needs encouragement. Deep down there seems to be genuine love and affection between you so its worth a shot.

fuck 😳

You need to sort this. Now. Do whatever it takes to get you fired up enough to change this (remind yourself that you're borrowing money to pay for HIS car, to put food on the table for your DC). Don't think you have to work out solutions for where he will live or support himself - the current situation is not working for your family. Maybe, if he gets a job, you can rebuild your relationship but you have every right to stop paying for him.

How old are your teens? Because you say last night was a rare night you spent time together and I think that might be because of him and the younger children and you are losing them because of it. You fear of being alone abd them leaving you is in part caused by this and the fact you are forcing them to lose out
yiu called them potentially spoilt earlier did that come from him.

but yes put simply either you cut him loose or you run the risk of losing your children

But it is cocklodging. And not only is she expected to pay for everything for this loser and his kids, he won't even pull his weight around the house. And now you are suggesting on top of all this that she becomes this lazy bones' full time therapist and even helps him find a job. He's a grown man, a father, she is not his support animal!

I got sucked into similar. In the end I changed the locks when he was out. Best thing I ever did.

if he lived on his own he'd have to get a job, any job wouldn't he? Op has tried to have these conversations and is shut down. She's had enough and good for her. She's lost respect for him, her children are missing out. There's nothing to save here.

Bless you @Vacumwondering , seems like it's been a bit like boiling a frog... little by little he's taken more and more. What you offered was exactly what a partner might offer. I would certainly discuss something similar with my partner in similar circumstances, but giving an inch doesn't give someone else the green light to take a mile. He's now had plenty of time to retrain/find a job/pull his weight as a SAHD and he hasn't. That's 100% on him.

Personally I'd separate ASAP. Although it's hard being on your own with more independent kids, view this as a chance to widen your social circle.

I don't have any more advice than what the amazing women of Mumsnet have already given you. But please take their advice and get back to just you and your kids.

Being alone is better than being taken advantage of. Get your life back, get a great social life going with your family and a good group of women and you'll never feel alone again.

I think the poster who said some people can't/don't want to "do" life and will fall back on others given any opportunity, is right.

He's one of those.

I'd imagine it was probably a factor in the breakdown of his marriage/ltr with his kids Mum too.
He's not ever going to acknowledge that though.

It's hard isn't it OP when the beliefs we have about our relationships are shown up to be so flawed? So many women post on here who prioritise a toxic man over their children. Often their fear of being alone (as you've expressed it) seems to blind them to the grim reality of what they and their children are enduring.

Your story is particularly stark. Fortunately for you there is a straightforward and speedy solution if you're prepared to take it. He has a home with his Mum. The kids also have a Mum to live with. Your kids get their Mum back, their home back, their previous lifestyle back and you get the chance to stand back and work through how you ended up losing so much. Seems a win win.

He's literally taking money from your children. Whether it's in the here and now to enjoy their teens, or you saving it for their education and a house deposit, he is having that money off them that you worked for.
This is not a man worth your respect.

Op kick him out today. He has family he can go there. If he kicks off have the police remove him.

There is no point dragging it out. He WILL try and make you feel like shit but that would happen if it was today/next month/next decade.

I bet he has a job within 2 weeks and a new lady to scrounge off within a month.

His ex is presumably solvent and missing her children so they too have a home. Hopefully it will be happier than being with a mopey man with no drive, job or desire to pull his weight. He’s a poor role model for them - low effort.

I do now feel that any man who moves into mummy’s for more than a couple of weeks after splitting with his ex seems to feel it’s women’s job to provide a roof and pay for it. No pride in himself.

How do you know there's nothing to save? Are you a fly on the wall ? Ultimately its between 2 people and we are not privy to it.

If the OP felt so unambiguously about the situation as you suggest, then she probably wouldnt be on here asking for advice and opinion and wouldve ended the relationship by now.

People often save their relationships as evidenced by one of the other posters who described a similar situation.

He can easily go back to living with his parents, as he was when you met him.

WHY was he living with is parents ! WHY had he not sorted himself somewhere to live and accommodate his children when he had them every other weekend or whenever he had them !

If he doesn't have the children today ? then he can pack and leave today...

We watch all the movies with living happily ever after & often forget that only when we spend time living by ourselves [with or without our DC] do we learn to love ourselves in the way we deserve to be loved.

Once we know we are loved it doesn't much matter if a man comes into our life or not because we are truly happy just as we are.

Dear op, no advice from me other than what's been helpfully offered above. But I wanted to acknowledge that it's not as easy as just changing the locks and merrily kicking him on his way. I'm sure it's hard to contemplate a future on your own all of a sudden as your dc get ready to fly the nest. You had hopes of a lovely retirement with a man you loved. You may be very fond of his children and feel sad about not seeing them any more. It's ok to acknowledge this.

But it sounds like you've woken up to what you need to do to put your family first. You sound absolutely awesome and I'm sure you won't be on your own long if that's what you want. But it's ok to take time to feel sad about this lovely second chance you'd thought you'd been given falling apart. I hope things go ok xx