I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

Now you've woken up you can make all the the changes you need.

It's going to be bloody hard because of th children but you need to focus on what is best for your children. There is no way seeing you be taken advantage of in this way is good for them to see.

Stop paying his bills. Stop looking after his children. Get him out. Read up on how to grey rock because he's not going to make out easily but just remember how this is best for your children and for your finances.

Be strong, you will have all the support you need here.

OP- there is a term in business called "stop loss". What it means is, it does not matter how much money or effort you have invested in something already, if it is causing you massive losses you get rid of it. It's a logical and unemotional decision based on the fact it is costing you money and will continue to do so. The effort you already invested in it is irrelevant because if you continue to do nothing, you will end up with nothing. A lot of people wont make that decision because they feel they have invested so much already they feel emotionally obliged to continue even if it ultimately destroys them.

The same applies here. It does not matter how much time and emotion you have already invested into this relationship- the cost of it will break you if you carry on like this. You need to get rid of the emotional attachment of "but we've been together for so long" or "but I've tried so hard" etc it does not matter. You need to stop this loss now otherwise you'll end up both emotionally and financially bankrupt.

OP I have been the ‘worker’ when my DH was made redundant. I didn’t lift a finger, and he was job hunting almost full time. It was weird as I could open a cupboard and not see something straight ahead! Honestly, if he was giving back, this wouldn’t be so bad, but he’s decided he’s able to leech.

He doesn’t realise the SAHP does everything if that’s their role.

Get rid.

All of this.

It's her children that I feel most sorry for.

DO NOT accept blame for his choices. Do not engage. It should not need spelling out that he should have stepped up. You DID NOT cause this.

It’s not like becoming a SAHP.

That’s like meeting someone
while happily working full time, you already have children that are not theirs, only 50% of the time (and they are school age children), you are not married to each other and then YOU decide to become a SAHP without telling them!

Very different. Not many people would fall for that trick for long.

The party is over kid.

I’ll be honest with you all. I am abit worried about being alone, my kids are growing up (rare to have my DC sitting around with me) and it’s made me think I am scared of losing him and being alone,

This is desperation OP. You have put this man AND his children before your own because you are desperate.
I do not believe that this is real. I do not believe an intelligent, loving mother would do this to her kids.
On the off chance it is real, do not fucking marry him. When you tell him it is over he will promise the earth and you will fall for it. Just. Do. Not. Marry. Him. Do not give away your children's security.

He's a first class cocklodger. It really is time for an ultimatum imo. Why isn't he as uncomfortable about watching you struggle as you were about him?

The 'it was meant to be' bubble has exploded and you're left with the reality: a lazy, entitled man who won't pull his weight. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to get rid of him.

I know it's easy to think if he leaves, you'll be alone again and that's your life. It isn't. You'll be creating a space for someone who doesn't take advantage and treats you the way you deserve.

How utterly embarrassing, paying to have a parasite.
You’ve taken so much money away from your kids, that could have gone towards their futures, or just fun, to indulge your desire for keeping a man as a pet.

You’ve taught them that men are so desirable that you must throw money at them. You don’t want to be alone, yet this leech is the loneliest lifestyle you could have chosen. As a matter of urgency, get this bloke out of your kids home.

I cannot imagine having to pay a man to stay with me. I have said it a thousand times on here but once a man like this senses your desperation its over. He will take what he can without a second thought.

This is desperation OP. You have put this man AND his children before your own because you are desperate.

Quite. Paying for, and getting into debt for company and cock.

What a user. I can see how you’ve romanticised your first love, but he’s used this against you.
Your poor kids, they weren’t spoiled before, it’s nice to treat your children and have a nice standard of living that you work hard for. They must be so hurt.
You have the strength to get through this. I bet you find your joy and energy levels increase drastically when you no longer have this millstone round your neck. Good luck.

Well stop paying for it then??

I've had a cocklodger too OP. Whilst we weren't childhood sweethearts I was invested in his mental health and struggles. We had his child EOW and I provided and did the childcare. He had free use of my car. I paid all bills. Did all the housework etc. the situation evolved slowly and I was the proverbial frog in boiling water. Not seeing how bad it had got. He would tell me all the time he loved me and I thought my life would be empty without him in it.

As an intelligent, capable, independent woman I didn't imagine I'd get myself into such a degrading position. But I did. Despite all his manipulation that he couldn't live without me he's still breathing. Gone back to his parents (such a red flag. Never get into a relationship with a grown man with kids living with his mummy!), is now working again. And I have peace of mind. More self respect. And more money at the end of the month.

How utterly embarrassing, paying to have a parasite.
You’ve taken so much money away from your kids, that could have gone towards their futures, or just fun, to indulge your desire for keeping a man as a pet.

Indeed.

How much is the car repayment?
How much is his phone?
How much are his children's clubs?
How much has your food bill increased ?
How much has your utility bill increased?

How much did you spend on the beers he drank yesterday while watching the football?

You made decisions and suggestions at the time, for HIS benefit, to be supportive, while he sorted himself out. Turned out it wasn’t a great decision, but your intentions were good and you both took part in the process. You are not solely to blame here.

This has turned into a mum/son relationship. He wants all the benefits of a romantic relationship and none of the responsibility.

Every time you feel guilty, remind yourself that the temporary situation you both agreed to, has gone on too long and needs to change again. Forgot the old “I made my bed”. If we’re going with that metaphor, we regularly change our bedding (and also occasionally the mattress), to stay healthy! It’s okay for you to want things to change (small and large) when they aren’t suiting your needs.

If you’re reluctant to end the relationship, at least start the ball rolling, by having a conversation with him, on the changes you both need to make, to repair the damage.

1. Explain your view on the situation and why you need things to change
2. He needs to get a job and bring in some money (even a basic job with a few hours would be a step in the right direction)
3. He needs to pull his weight domestically
4. Set a time limit and agree check points along the way to track progress
5. Explain what will happen after the time is up (no further car payments. He needs to move out etc)
6. Make it clear the situation is only suiting him and it is going to change, whether or not he is part of the solution

Lazy fucker. He’s 100 taking advantage of you-he’s clearly got no pride in himself. So unattractive. And to those saying “ah you wouldn’t say that if he was the woman” well actually if he was the woman he would probably be doing all the housework, mental load, childcare- as is usually the case. This lazy arse is doing nothing- absolutely no wonder you’ve grown resentful & fallen out of love- he’s doing zero to contribute & is gas lighting you saying well this is what you wanted so it’s on you….no…you offered temporarily to support him when he was having a rough time in previous job until he found something else. Out of kindness & love. You did not expect him to do fuck all around the house, barely any effort to find work, to take his dc 50/50 so he could “see them more” yet like another pp said…just to avoid paying maintenance cos that would mean he’d have to get off his lazy arse and work. He saw his opportunity to become a useless lazy slob the second you said he could quit his job.

Tell him straight he has to find a job and contribute by end of next month (any job just to tide him over for now) or he can do the lion share of housework, childcare etc (good luck with that one) Failing this OP get rid of him. You clearly have seen his true colours and it’s put you off.

Eight months is a pretty good dose of helping him - now he's taking the p, it's time to step up or get out. Where he goes is his problem if he decides not to step up..

Get rid! He sounds awful.
He probably lies around at your home all day, probably wanking all day long, watching porn on his phone while you provide for everyone? Then pesters for sex??

Jeez...you can do so much better.

You said you may not have strength to kick him out and don't want to be alone but surely you don't want to be a very bad example to your daughters about what to accept from men and what to give them? -i.e. everything and then they sponge, sponge, sponge, draining your finances and energy - so as not to be man-less?

He has no work ethic and no pride and he isn't just going to miraculously develop these things, especially as he's got a meal ticket in you. Now you've realised the situation you've allowed to develop is really, really bad for you and your kids, you should know what you have to do.

Pity and a sense of almost maternal responsibility for a grown person is not healthy. He'll be just fine, OP, believe me, as he's had a lot of practice at putting himself first, currently at your (literal) expense.

Jesus OP. You know he will stay until you have resentful kids who didn’t get to do the fun kind of things they used to and grow into adults with chronically low relationship expectations. You are handing their fun, your family experiences away when you hand your money over. That pretty face should make you want to puke. You can’t make this better and won’t ever have a good relationship with him - oh and at some point he will leave because irresponsible fuckwits always do.

@tara66 that is the lesson her DC are currently learning, yes.