I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

OP has spent the past eight months trying to help him back on his feet and is poorer for it. What about his decency in not fleecing his partner?

I guess you have 3 options; first you continue as you are, very unhappy, two you tell him he’s got x amount of time to get a job or the relationship is over or 3 you kick him out and end it. If he sees just how fed up you are with this situation maybe he will step up and get a job. If he can’t do 50-50 with a new job then he needs to tell his ex partner he needs to change the arrangement. Just don’t do nothing, you deserve more than this OP

Having read he mentioned 6 weeks initially and has watched you struggle it makes the situation 10 times worse. He’s a selfish asshole who is abusing your kindness. I wouldn’t hang about with getting him out, he must have known he couldn’t behave like this forever.

Some saying ' if this was a SAHM ' etc.
I don't know any SAHM after when all kids gone to school doesnt go to work. When kids pre school yes but not when full time.
Youve got a cocklodger who is blaming you for allowing him being off work. Tell him it's now not acceptable, hes got to get a job. Longer hes out of work longer itll take to get a job

Have the decency to help him get back on his feet and then move on.

She has helped him enough. He is sucking the life out of her. She owes him nothing. He is a grown man who has children to provide for so should take the finger out and support them. OP has her own children to provide for.

She helped him get there in the first place, but leaving that out of the equation, if she helps him she helps herself.

But presumably you think she should kick him out so he's homeless.

Your poor children. They will know what a tosser he is and that you have put his needs before theirs.
Get rid of him and get that summer holiday rebooked.

You can either carry on moaning about your self made situation or take action to get your life back.
If you are making good money you must be reasonably intelligent but you sleep walked into this.
You really dont need mumsnet to tell you what to do if you want a happy life again.
Take control for goodness sake and stop being a mug.

Why are you ranking his needs and his children's needs greater than yours and your DCs?

15 years down the line, 'Dear Mumsnet, I love my mum but I'm struggling to forgive her for the way she sidelined me for a new boyfriend when we were growing up. We had a good life and I loved spending time with her. Then she met a man with children who moved in with us and things went wrong. I lost her. She had to work really hard to keep paying the bills because he didn't contribute. She had to sell her car and we stopped having holidays. I tried to pretend it didn't matter because I could see how stressed she was, but I realised that she had prioritised her feelings for this loser over me. And that she thought she was in love, but I can't help but feel wounded and angry that she didn't put me first and allowed him to take so much of what we'd had together. I love her, but I don't like her and I'm wondering about whether I'll feel better if I go low-contact. Am I being unreasonable?'

You've got a cocklodger OP, not a partner.

It certainly wouldn't have been accidental that a job that was tolerable when he was on his own, and had to just deal with it or live on the streets, suddenly becomes intolerable once he's safely ensconced at yours.

A full grown (presumably physically able) man not having a job for 8 months would be a deal breaker for me. It's just so unattractive for a man to sit around, watching his woman running around like a mad thing, keeping the family afloat, while he's doing fuck all. I'm sure he IS very keen to have his kids around more, while he's got this lovely cushty deal going on.

Either he gets a job, or he gets out.

“Decency to help him out”

What an incredibly stupid suggestion!

She’s been subsiding him for months to ‘get back on his feet’ to her and her children’s detriment.

She owes him precisely nothing.

Also this… “But presumably you think she should kick him out so he's homeless.”

You’re either a very stupid woman or more likely you’re another pointless man. 😂

OP, you didn't do a terrible thing. You did a generous thing for someone you loved. You weren't to know things were to escalate to the way they are now. Any decent and real man would've taken that opportunity and found a job - any job.
It's incredible just how selfish people can be. The barefaced cheek of him! He has the gall to say, 'but it was your idea' then he ramps up the love bombing when he can see you are becoming resentful.
He's a selfish manipulative prick who is happy to see you run ragged while he's got it cushy.
Personally, I wouldn't wait. Do you know where his mother lives? I'd be bagging his stuff up and dropping it off there. Next time he leaves the house to take the kids to his ex could easily be the last time he leaves your house.
Makes my blood boil.
You sound like a hard working, smart and caring person who really had things together before this leech landed at your door.
Take back yours and your kid's comfortable lifestyle and start planning your next holiday together.
All the best. X

This.

It’s not about the car or his kids or no work. He could change things today if he wanted to. He should be doing all the housework, cooking, laundry, food shopping in the 35 or more hours a week that you are work and your children at at their activities.

He should be doing everything for his own kids.

He could be making your life easier, in return for the fact that you are financially supporting him and his kids and helping him pay no child support to his ex ( nice ).

It’s not that he CANT do this, it’s that he WONT. He doesn’t want to. He won’t change because he LIKES IT LIKE THIS.

Please don’t waste any more of your kids lives.

Stop throwing away your time, money and love on him when it could go on your kids / yourself.

Please sent him back to him mum and go for counselling for yourself. Please PLEASE don’t even think about dating again until you’ve worked out how you got into this situation so you never do it again.

You and your kids deserve better.

As the woman/mum, I do most of everything.

He can fuck off for this sexist attitude alone. Why have you been accepting this OP?

He’s a cocklodger with a 1950s attitude to women. He’s got the best of both world hasn’t he? Get rid.

Many things, but not male and not stupid. More a believer in it takes two.

How on earth did she help him get there? He lost his job and isn't doing enough to find another. There are all manner of jobs he could be doing to bring in money until he finds another in his sector. That's not her doing.

It sounds like he has a family who have been supporting him financially already - he can lean on them to sort out where to live. His housing situation is NOT her responsibility!

Being alone is fucking fantastic! You have nothing to be scared of.

Learn get comfortable and enjoy being single. Make your life as amazing as it can be. Then only let a man in to your life if he can drastically improve it even further.

No more letting useless fuckers drain you!

I was in a slightly similar situation but it was complicated by the fact that my partner developed significant health issues and eventually couldn't work. When I didn't give him money he stole from me because "you have a good job".
We lived separately but in the same house which I funded for decades. Don't underestimate how difficult it is to get out of this sort of situation if it continues long-term. You'll be totally worn down and penniless.
My partner died unexpectedly and left a financial mess behind him. Two weeks later his father died and I've had to pay for both funerals. I think I'll get my head above water in the next year or so but still owe 3k on one of the funerals.
Meanwhile I'm treated like the grieving widow, some days that's what I feel like but most of the time I just look at the mess around and know I've wasted so much of my life.

Bloody hell. I am married to my children’s Dad and was a SAHM when they were 0-4. I did nearly all childcare and housework while my husband worked. As soon as the youngest was in school I found part-time work and continue to do all of the school runs, looking after the kids and a higher percentage of the housework. My husband and I are equals who both do the same amount of hours of work, we have equal free-time, he just earns more money for the family pot, whilst I do more of the unpaid work.

If I turned to my husband and said that I couldn’t work anymore because we only have one car, and because I need to be around for the kids when they aren’t at school…. I’d like him to continue working full-time but also start cooking dinner every night, do some of the school runs, most of the housework etc….. I’d like to take some time to find myself while he does everything and pays for everything………. He would fall over laughing at me. But then this imaginary conversation would never happen because I am not a selfish freeloading entitled dick like your boyfriend.

I'm cheering you on, OP. You are definitely worth more than this. If you need an additional push, think about what you are teaching your kids about how they deserve to be treated, or how they should treat a partner.

The thing is if he were single he'd have to support himself. I don't understand how a grown adult can have so little pride.

You are not a team. I bet if you hacked in your job he'd been off. He wouldn't even think to support you. Maybe tell him you are resigning so he needs to keep the ship afloat for 8 months on his own?

I supported my ex but when the time came that I needed him to step up after my DS was born and I was out of work he really couldn't believe it! Apparently his own child and I were not his responsibility.

He's using you. I bet he couldn't believe you would support him and his DC.

I sympathise with his awful job as I've been there but I recovered and got another one. No one could fund my lifestyle.

In the meantime every morsel of food he or his DC eat is one morsel less for your DC.

Sorry I have zero respect for men who don't even try to support their family and start cocklodging and I wouldn't tolerate one in my house.

It used to be because he got his DC 50/50

I have my kids 100% of the time and somehow still manage to work..

Being with someone is supposed to enrich your life not diminish it.

Reading this thread, Im thinking it's bloody brilliant to be single.

Really hope you find a way through or out of this rotten situation

It just occurred to me that he also really played you by getting his kids 50:50, OP. Presumably he no longer has to pay CMS to his ex if custody is an even split, which means there is even less incentive for him to get a new job and earn a wage – you're covering all the bills at home and he no longer has to pay out anything. He's made himself entirely reliant on you so he can bleat that he'll have nothing if you try to kick him out.