I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

No, listen to me. Yes you absolutely DO have it. Look at you! Working, running a house, sorting out kids, some of whom are not yours, paying for everything. You are fabulous! He is a total dick and you will feel less lonely when is he is gone. You're worried about feeling alone because you feel trapped now as you are and are actually ironically alone really. It's miserable. Nothing worse than feeling alone around people. This is not a relationship. It's you being ground down and him taking advantage of your nice nature. You are responsible for you and your kids. It's a super easy life for him and a miserable one for you and actually probably a bit for your kids too because of nothing else, money aside, their mum is unhappy.

Ditch the dead weight, your dc will thankyou op. Life is far too short to live like this.

Is he a Wolves fan? 😂

‘I’ve made my bed’…..bet he’s milking that for all he’s worth!!! I’ve been where you are after a previous break up - feeling low and confidence shot. Men like him are like sharks that smell blood in the water in these situations. You state you made the offer to take time off but I bet my house he said lots of little things to influence you: ‘work is horrible and I’m such a victim’/being bullied , ‘if only I saw the kids more to get 50/50’ and ‘my car is better’ to get you to pay the car finance. Drip, drip, drip!

You will get beyond him once you’ve kicked him out. Life after is uncertain but then joy and happiness creeps in! You will be so surprised how supportive people will be - embarrassment is your feeling and you can choose to change that.

He’ll find a place no trouble. He’ll have his car back and job hunting will be easy for him, his parents will do his 50/50 care and you’ll have money freed up to get your own car.

It’s harsh but you’ll find his kids will miss their treats more than you. Be aware that he may even send them begging to you directly as he’s that cowardly . None of those people are your responsibility despite him gaslighting you into thinking so! What he says about you when you split up is none of your business- let him shout in the wind.

I hope a night of having to share a bed with a mardy drunk you resent has been the tipping point to tell him to leave today. He doesn’t need a week - he has no obligations!

It’s tough for you but pull the plaster off the relief will be wonderful.

it’s made me think I am scared of losing him and being alone

Thats a lie that your brain is telling you out of fear. Thoughts arent facts, they are merely thoughts your brain is used to thinking and therefore drags them out over and over again even if they arent helpful or appropriate or even rational. Its doesnt mean its true. Challenge the thoughts- instead of relying on feelings (eg fear) look at this logically by examining the evidence. The evidence shows that you are perfectly capable of running a house, working, and looking after your children without him. Often we stay in situations because they are familiar to us, not because they are good for us. Thats an important distinction. The more you affirm to yourself that you are a capable, independent woman the more you'll believe it.

Think of him like a foot verruca. I had one on my foot for years. I got used to it, it was always there and it annoyed me. Then one day I decided to go private and get it frozen off as my GP no longer offers cryotherapy. I don't have that verucca any more- was it odd not seeing it there?- yes, as I was very used to it. Am I glad it's gone- Fck yes! Get rid of this human verruca, I promise you wont regret it.

Stop paying for his car and any other of his bills. Get yourself a car and pay only the bills for you and your children. Then give the cocklodger his walking papers and a one-way ticket back to his parent's house.

He will use you as long as you let yourself be used. Value yourself and your children more and get rid of him.

By your own admission, having this man around has materially lowered your children's quality of life and is now doing so on an even grander scale.

I'm putting that truth to you brutally because you don't seem motivated by respect for yourself to get rid of this absolute user, but I'm sure you love your children more than yourself.

Maybe when you consider that you're also allowing him to drain and use your children's opportunities for his own gain you'll feel the guilt, see things clearly and get rid.

I hope so for your sake and your children's.

Christ! You are not responsible for his life! You shouldn’t stay in a relationship because you’re worried about the other persons custody arrangements- that’s crazy.
Put your children first and get rid of this leeching loser

I hope you find the strength to cut him and his expenditure out your life. You don’t need it - you can have so much more.

So obviously you see you need to leave him. So now to look at how. Do you own the house?
Is it rented, who's name.
Although asking that, it's obviously gonna be yours.
Tell him you want him to leave, he has a month to find a new place and job, in the meantime he needs to sleep in his kids room. Get some boxes for all his stuff. Damn start packing for him. On the month, on a day he doesn't have kids you put his stuff outside for him and change the locks.

Does he have parents he can live with?

Cock lodger. Get rid of immediately.

I really hope you manage to do something and quickly OP. When you read the summary of how you have gone along with what he wants, to the detriment of yourself and family, it sounds daft, but it happened by your kindness and the gradual process. You can see how he will now try to argue back and persuade you to keep the status quo - because it sounds so extreme that I'm sure he has come to expect that he can persuade you to anything. The best thing you can do is make a clear decision and absolutely stick to it - whatever he says. Otherwise this could drag on for years, and ruin your future and that of your Dc. Would it help to tell someone else you are going to do this and why, so you have moral support in real life?... Sometimes saying it out loud to others makes you do it.

You need to develop the ick and quickly. I understand that you worry about being alone but I would try to think of it as if you don’t get rid of this hobo-sexual soon you might miss out on the chance to meet and fall in love with a real man. Someone who doesn’t suck the enjoyment out of the room even though you literally give him everything.

Presumably he got 50/50 when stopped working because he couldn’t pay maintenance. You are now paying his share of his children’s upkeep. What does his ex think? Overall it sounds like you fixed everything for him because you love him but now you have lost respect for him and fallen out of love. It’s the ick. If you want to fix it you either have to tell him to get a job and pull his weight or get rid.

You have a choice, do you want (can afford) to keep him around like some kind of expensive pet (as that is all he seems to be) but is adding nothing to your life or cut him loose and start to focus on what you & your DC want and need. Your own car, holidays, weekends away etc.

He is not bothering to look for work or do anything for you as you are basically now his mother. Up to you to decide whether you are happy with this.

How does he pay for alcohol if he's not working, I assume his friends, they must think he's a freeloader too.

Don’t be obtuse.

The other poster is with the father of her child, who supports her in this decision, and she plans to return to work when the DC are in school. It’s a different situation.

If she were divorced, and the non resident parent, and she shacked up with another man and his family, and her own kids were in school, and she fancied just not working indefinitely or paying maintenance and having the new man do all the domestic labour, I think posters would respond differently.

Start with stop paying for his car and get yourself a car. You need one, he doesn’t becausr he has no plans working anyway. It’s only logical.

Surely it would be better to be alone than be treated like this?

He obviously doesn't care about you or he couldn't treat you like this.

If you're paying for the finance on his car and have had to sell your own: if you're working and paying all the bills while he 'can't find a job': if he contributes nothing and expects you to pay to support his children... he's a financial abuser. Contact the police, tell them what's going on and have him removed.

Please don't be like the 50-something woman I know, married for 20 years to a musician who makes £200 a month doing a couple of pub gigs and calls that working. While he's mooching round the house or in the pub she has two jobs to pay the bills and borrows money from friends to cover emergencies. She can't help her young adult daughter from a previous relationship out financially because she's subsidising her waster partner. 'But he's a nice bloke', she says whenever friends point out he's using her. There comes a point when the friends just walk away.

Is he carrying the load at home right now? If he isn't he needs to be as well as pulling his finger out and applying for jobs (any kind of jobs if money is that tight).

How is the relationship with his ex, can she have the kids more to help (that's probably a non runner)

Have the decency to help him get back on his feet and then move on.

Dreadful! Just tell him that you can’t fund him as it is having a serious impact on your finances and your DC.

get him out of your life

Have the decency to help him get back on his feet and then move on.

This is an outrageous thing to say. He's an adult man who should be capable of getting back on his feet on his own. It's not the OP's responsibility to sort this loser-leech out.

So he doesn't actually have any intention of finding a job does he?
He 'can't' because he has his children 50/50 even though they're school age.
He 'can't' because you only have one car between you and you occasionally need it for work.
You're paying everything for him and his children.
Sit and think back to how your life was when it was just you and your children and how much happier you were then.
He really is taking you for a fool.

I'm glad you've seen the light OP - now you've got to follow through and make him go.

If you start doubting yourself, keep asking yourself this question:

Why are you ranking his needs and his children's needs greater than yours and your DCs?

It really is a no brainer.