Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

I think what I'm trying to say is if autism is the cause of a particular behaviour, it seems impossible as if that's how the brain is wired we cannot change the wiring however hard we want it or try me and my husband, for very small example I have terrible memory and Executive dysfunction I really cannot remember to do things and keep a consistently of doing them. I can try my hardest to keep consistently but I know as adhd brain doesn't allow , trying harder isn't going to change. I know memory is just one example but if his behaviour is fundamentally part of his autism no amount of trying on his part will change it. I guess it's how he reacts after is maybe the key.

@Duggeehugs82 I think you are putting your finger on something crucial here: that so much of whether a relationship works depends on both people’s self awareness.

You are putting a lot of energy into learning about why particular things are hard for you, and what you need in order to function, and also about your own social behaviour and how that might be experienced by others. Your DH is not. And that may not be his fault, as you say. He may not have the cognitive capability to be self-reflective in this way. And he may not have it in him to make accommodations for you.

That does’t mean he’s a bad person. But it may mean, on a practical level, that you are under more stress than is sustainable, long-term, as carer for 2 children and an adult with complex needs. Never mind any needs of your own.

I think you are right that there is little change that is possible where our neurology underlies our more challenging behaviours. And there are practical difficulties involved in separating, particularly where children are involved, and money is short.

But I think it is really important to remember that you can ‘accept’ someone without it being possible to live with them harmoniously. You can ‘accept’ someone as they are, while also acknowledging you don’t have the emotional or practical resources to be their carer.

I made a long post and it froze and I lost it and I have to start again!

I can't remember what I was Saying but I think be because of my autism and adhd I do hyper focus on things and get very deep into them. He has high demand job so doesn't have time to, It's actually not been completely positive it means I'm over analysing everything I say and do and seeing if it's related to the conditions and its very difficult for me to have very black and white thinking and not be feel so badly of myself when I do the not so desired behaviours (talking at length on a special intrest of mine or being very all about me when talking to people , oversharing and then anxiety after on what i have overshared, something that I know isn't particularly helpful in a social setting but cannot help me self due to brain wiring. I know some things I do cause my husband issues like he does for me but if they are hard wired how do u be ok with being yourself. I don't actually know what I'm trying to get at the original message seemed to make more sense.

But I think it is really important to remember that you can ‘accept’ someone without it being possible to live with them harmoniously. You can ‘accept’ someone as they are, while also acknowledging you don’t have the emotional or practical resources to be their carer.

I know I keep going back to that but for me, this was explained so well by a previous poster with autism.
Her comment was that she had some needs that had to be met for her to be to happy/fulfilled/content. And did her dh (that was NT but I dont think it matters).
When you can’t meet your own needs within the relationship, then it’s a sign that the relationship isn’t viable (or not with a real cost to you). It just means you are incompatible.

For me, talking about needs removes the shame and guilt. There is no shaming about not being able to let’s say listen (that’s your accepting his limitations). There is also no guilt in saying it’s not working if that is the case for you either.

Xpost @Duggeehugs82
Is what you are talking not about self acceptance so accepting that it’s ok for you too to have those traits just like you want to accept them from him?

Yes I need to be ok with me having these traits and difficulties and in turn need to accept he has difficulties too and just need to accept the whole Neurodiversity that my whole family husband and 2 girls all have. And life's hard but at least I know now at 41. Ironically on autism acceptance week 😑

@Duggeehugs82 this is how I deal with my own physical disability. If you dint feel it’s helpful, please ignore! 😃

My mantra is: whatever it is, it just is.

By that, I mean that I’m trying hard to not attach any value to what’s going on.
Let’s say for me it might be ‘I can walk less than 50m before I get exhausted’.(For you, it could be ‘I tend to infodump’)
Im looking at it as a statement. What I’m not doing is putting a label on it saying it’s bad, I should be able to walk like anyone else, I should be pushing myself to look normal (and in my case, not use the wheelchair). I’m not associating with that statement the idea that I’m lesser than. Or that I’m not good enough.
Because it just is.

Same with doing some research (I’ve done loads of it because there is no treatment for my illness, I enjoy reading research papers - weird I know…. - and it helped me understand my condition and myself better). Looking at it with curiosity but without the ableist layer that tells me im not ok because im not healthy.

Tbh I dont think that’s easy at all. I think it’s hard to accept your own limitations. It’s also bloody hard to go against your own ableism (because let’s be honest we’ve all been influenced by it)

Maybe this could be helpful for you too (otherwise discard it!!!)

Twenty minutes ago I was asked whether there was anything I'd like to do this morning.

Having lurked on these threads for years (they were what first shed a bit of light on my DH’s inexplicable behaviour and how it left me feeling), I finally posted a few months ago. But then I disappeared again. I don’t know, saying it “out loud” felt like I was making it real, maybe if I just went back to lurking I could persuade myself it was all in my head. But it is real, and so much of what I read here resonates. The recent posts about conversations and DH forgetting every last detail, and often even denying that we ever spoke about subject x at all… Yes also to the finishing my sentences, but in a way that shows he’s not really listening, he’s not trying to understand, he’s just waiting to leap in. I often say (I heard myself say it this morning), “That’s not quite what I mean, though, could you let me finish?”, and I’ll have another go, which he cuts short again, and I’ll more or less give up because what he seems to think I’m going to say is so far removed from what I actually want to say. I end up feeling stressed and angry even in what should be basic factual conversations because of the difficulty in getting even a simple practical message across.

As I think I said in my original post a couple of months ago, if I didn’t think DH was ND I’d think he just didn’t care. He does care, though, I know he loves me and the kids in his way, and he’s gentle and kind and so many other things, but always in his own way. I’m convinced he just can’t help it, it’s just the way he is. I have to accept that or leave, and for now I’m committed to trying the former. I have told myself that I will take stock when DD(10) goes to secondary, so another 2 years.

Learn how to create a time machine?

( I hope you don't mind the humour, it's not meant meanly)

I just ache with the pain of all of this. I've recently tried a new approach. Suggesting to my partner every Fri evening that we make a detailed but flexible plan for the weekend, splitting the days into mornings, afternoons and evenings. The goal being that over the course of the weekend everyone gets some slice of the time doing things they want and/or their way. This is specifically designed to get us out of the unintended trap so many of you have described living with where the stress of making decisions or committing to anything leads to meltdowns or focusing on something entirely random and unnecessary so we miss our plans.

Have had zero engagement with it so another weekend wasted and stressed.

@BustyLaRoux is leaving him handling his dd’s b’day in his own a possibility?

SpecialMangeTout yeah. I won’t be engaging with it next year. I said “please next year, if you promise a ridiculous party again, can you book me a week away and deal with it yourself?!”

I got a very pointed “oh don’t worry, I won’t be asking for your help again!”

nice!

The trouble is I love my DSD and I want her to have a lovely time. And she is so happy and appreciative. And I don’t want to let her down. She asks for something which is frankly over and above what any parent would normally provide. But because she is young and has no clue, she doesn’t realise it’s ridiculous. He then says “yeah we can do that!” without consulting me. And then she’s all excited about it. Then he makes it “our” thing to sort. But before long suddenly his role is buying stuff (mainly online) which I tell him to get and send links for. And everything else is for me to sort. I am a logistics person so detail and organisation are my special ADHD talents but seriously the brief (both times) has been insane. And he just sits back and says it will be fine and thinks buying a few bits is doing his share!
Anyway yea, next year I am going away in March. And he can sort it all. But of course I will end up being nice and making everything perfect for my SDS because I love her. She did have the best day! And her DM is really quite shit and I feel like we ought to compensate…

Sigh.

am drinking wine. On. Sunday. Not ideal. 😖

Absolutely fine! Some of the things DS and DW come out with are of that "if you didn't laugh you'd cry" variety. DS and myself actually had a really nice walk.

I'm trying at the moment to examine my own position. I think I might have compassion fatigue? Since I'm really struggling to muster up decent empathy for DH about his autism or other impactful health conditions.

I'm also feeling helpless, powerless, like what I do doesn't produce change, low mood, irritability, blame. Is this victim mentality? I think because DH doesn't want to talk and be accountable all the negative stuff just accumulates, there's no 'rupture and repair' pathway. It's either carry everything or speak up and break things and then have to deal with the consequences. Do I need regular therapy to be able to safely discharge this emotional load?

I could not feel more negative right now. I wonder if it's perimenopause. I'm just so so angry all the time. Completely fed up of everything. No end in sight!

It's rupture and suck it up alone no repair here. Although the rupture part is also alone because he genuinely doesn't know what is amiss and doesn't want to know because it will involve emotion. The whole thing is feeling so hopeless.

I don't know if that's victim mentality. Certainly compassion fatigue makes sense. You can't be the giver forever.

@supersparrow thank you for your post. Inexplicable is exactly the right word for so much.

Same here. I’ve tried exactly this type of thing with H. Try to get this sort of agreed planning going to avoid arguments and upset. But just get zero engagement, so everything carries on being shit.

@Flittingaboutagain

It's rupture and suck it up alone no repair here

And this. Exactly this.

Oh god. I can really relate to this. Totally the kind of thing DP says.

Oh I am sorry. So what is the solution? Or what else can be done? It's got to a point where I'm out of ideas but I can't accept this is my life.

@Flittingaboutagain It's got to a point where I'm out of ideas but I can't accept this is my life.
Then it's time to call time on the relationship. You've tried everything and it hasn't worked. The stress will make you ill. Remember, you only get one precious life!!

Hi all, I wondered if any of you have accessed counselling? I’m keen to have some but would like someone who can relate to Austism?? Who has experience to support families? I’m divorced and would like some counselling to process everything