Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

There is a facebook support group Cassandra UK. Someone on their might recommend a counsellor.

That’s where I am at too. Nothing left to try.

Just read the link to the Cassandra syndrome article. That is me! That’s exactly it!

and this bit:
Cassandra syndrome is a type of relationship trauma that some experts place in the category of complex PTSD. The symptoms of anxiety, anger, hypervigilance, and dissociation aren’t the result of a singular traumatic event. Rather, they stem from an ongoing lack of intimacy and social connection, emotional deprivation, and a profoundly disharmonious relationship

I know that I am deeply traumatized, all of this, the anger, the hyper vigilance the disassociation. I have all of this.

Oh, that Cassandra thing hit me hard too. Only this morning I was trying to humorously message a friend about one of DH's projects, one that fits neatly into the 'inexplicable' category we understand so well. Her reply, sincerely meant, was all about how wonderful and imaginative he is. Meanwhile I'm left literally and metaphorically tiptoeing around the damned thing, afraid that my face might betray my actual thoughts. He'll be super sensitive to even unspoken criticism after a day in the office.
I don't think my hypervigilance and anxiety are helpful to either of us. I don't want any of it it.

Hypervigilance and anxiety will make you ill so put your own needs first. Take good care of yourself and consider your options.

I found this article - and the whole website - very informative.

https://asdmarriage.com/2022/03/24/the-adversarial-dynamic-of-a-neurodiverse-marriage/

Wow I was reading this faster and faster like I was shouting the words in my head. And unfortunately this fully explains why I’m now divorced.

I wish I had known about al this 3 years ago pre separation but I am also very happy I am now divorced. it’s good to start getting a better understanding of why I am where I am

@Pickleeditor I wish I had understood all this before I got married too! I am recently divorced and just starting to heal.

@Kerryoh me too! Thank you for sharing the post

Yep 😢😢😢

A few months ago, we had an argument with dh because he was supposed to be sorting out the car insurance for the children and didn’t.
I actually asked him why he didn’t do it when he knew it would have a negative impact on our children.
Answer: because you always have a go at me. I can’t never do anything right….

I thought it was weird. Assumed his answer wasn’t quite the answer to my question. More of a grumble.
Or maybe it was… and he was getting at me through the dcs…

He cannot stand you asking him to do things, so he is never going to do what you ask.

Oh I know….
But the thing is HE decided to sort it out because I hadn’t done it right the previous year!!

It's hopeless then isn't it?

My daughter has asked for support and he won’t help AT ALL, so I’m supporting her on my own. He knows she is excelling because of this support yet still won’t help her?
It’s so difficult to explain to someone that hasn’t lived it, I just sound a bit dramatic and I’m really not. There is so much more I would like to say about different scenarios but it does just sound so unbelievable and when I’ve tried I just get back ‘he wouldn’t do that’ … yes he would!!

Which is why I think processing it through counselling would help me moving forward. knowing about Cassandra will help

I’ve been reading more around PDA.
That blog was great (and there are a few more articles on PDA too) plus a few others.

Im not angry anymore.
The ‘it feels abusive but I know it’s not’ has taken a different meaning really.
But I think I’ve lost the respect I had for him there.

@SpecialMangeTout how frustrating.

Without autistic people you wouldn’t be able to chat online like this. Guess we are somewhat useful to you at times.

autistic people make the world better for everyone.

@SpecialMangeTout thats it isn’t it. There are days you genuinely feel as though you’re banging your head, you know his attitude isn’t acceptable but I also know he genuinely doesn’t see the ‘abuse’. So difficult

No one on this thread has ever disputed they make the ‘world’ better.

Its reminding of the numerous occasions when dh just went way out of his way to make things difficult.

One was when he refused to take the car to the garage (‘his’ thing) to have the breaks checked.
I pleaded, explained, asked him he didn’t want to have the checks done when it could put me and his two dcs in danger etc…
Answer was NO
Took the car to another garage and lo and behold there was some air bubbles which meant that Yes, there was some serious issues with the breaks 😢😢
He is the only person who had ever done any work on the car too …

So yes wanting to be right, in control etc… up to the point he put us at risks.

(And no i never got an apology. But rather some discourse on how said garage was crap <insert small detail>)

Place marking please

I need an advice please. I cannot do anything right anymore in my ASD partner’s eyes. He can be lovely and loving, but any slight miscommunication, a small problem ends up being a total catastrophe due to his negative assumptions. Yet no matter how many times I say: ‘ask me. Talk to me. Tell me what’s going through your mind’ he seems unable/unwilling to do so. He’s just told me he’s fed up with me ,not getting it’ and that he has had enough, but also that he doesn’t want to upset me because then he feels guilty. ???
I genuinely am at a loss what to do, my patience is wearing thin and I’m a step away from labelling it as ‘emotional abuse’. Is it a losing battle? Is there any way of changing this dynamic and saving the relationship?

Sadly, I believe it is a losing battle.

I think the old Al Anon three C's mantra applies equally to these relationships.

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

All you can do is step away then 'keep your side of the street clean'.

I see my post about PDA got deleted. I will rephrase it. I think men with ASD and PDA make excellent husbands. It's a breeze looking after small children with them and they are ideal partners when it comes to running a household, especially when you are both sleep deprived. They will really step up when you are ill or exhausted. If I had a daughter I would hope she pairs up with a man like this. She will always know where she stands and never have a sad or anxious day.