Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

My DP are looking forward to having my DBro come to stay and I don’t want to ask them to change their plans. Of course you’re more than welcome to visit your DP that weekend if you wish.

You don’t need to explain that they find your DW infuriating (sounds very annoying BTW. Those people who can never just agree to do something but always have to have an opinion and want to change other people’s plans. I have friends and family like that and yes it is infuriating! So is endlessly waiting for people who seem not to have any awareness of others. Ten or fifteen minutes, fine. Hours, missing lunch service, very not fine!!) You don’t need to explain any of that as that gives rise to defensiveness and counter attack!

Just a simple no I won’t be asking my family to change their plans as the plans have been made and they’re looking forward to them.

Be firm. Smile. Move on. Don’t enter into discussion. (And Actually they are plans your DP and DBro have made by the sounds of it and it’s not your place or your DW’s to ask them to change their plans).

Marking place. DP only diagnosed with adhd in past year. He was diagnosed by GP... He's on waiting list for proper assessment/diagnosis but GP was pretty certain and it all makes sense.

Anyway, our relationship isn't great. I don’t think we'd be together if we didn't have a child together. I now wonder how many of the things that drive me mad about our relationship are actually down to the ADHD.

@Daftasabroom thats one if the reasons why we more or less have never done anything together with my parents.

And tbh I do think it’s the best way - separate activities - so that we can both enjoy ourselves our way. Otherwise yes it has to be DH way

I'm an NT mum to a son who is ND/ASD. I find it really insightful reading these threads. I have seen how well my son clicks with other ND people and my conclusion is that although every ND person is of course unique, it may be much easier for him to have a relationship with another ND person. Hopefully you'll be drawn to another ND person who totally gets the struggles you may have and you can find ways to support each other.

I totally empathise with the struggles partners on here have also. Sometimes people aren't compatible due to their neuro type or how it presents and that is no ones fault

@Daftasabroom that sounds immensely frustrating. Knowing the pass agg meltdown is brewing.

I have never encountered the term ‘contra-suggestive’ before but my God it captures so much.

@Pantaloons99 I'm a NT partner to someone ND and I so want it to work. I also wonder if he'd suit someone ND but I think that's my own insecurity really. I think this thread shows a lot of the negative points but there must be a lot of mixed couples out there who are doing OK.

I dunno, I can’t see my ASD DP with someone else like him. He is short tempered where I remain calm. He is highly critical but incredibly sensitive to any form of criticism (asking him to change the way he does something to prevent damage is taken as criticism; me being upset about something will make him angry and defensive as he thinks I’m criticising him). I have to leave my feelings unspoken and ignore them a lot of the time so as not to upset him. He has rigid ways of doing things that really don’t make sense but gets very agitated and snappy if questioned or suggested he might depart from that and do something slightly differently. He talks about himself all the time, changes every conversation to being about him.

I just can’t see that working with someone else who has traits like rigidity and self focus but also complete lack of self awareness. They would surely criticise and fall out all the time and end up shouting at each other saying the other isn’t listening and is criticising them (which ironically they probably would be!) That’s not to say all ASD partners are the same. But if they were like him then no, that couldn’t work.

Hello. Can I join in please? I am just coming out of a 23 year long marriage to someone dx with ASD 2 years ago. We have 2 children (19 & 16). Both dx ASD aged 12 (v poor dx service here).

I'm going to spend time reading through these threads but my main difficulties have been:
my STBEX was horrible about the children's problems until he got a dx (sought because he had a breakdown & sought a medical retirement). Now everything is about him being disabled & anyone who asks anything of him (that he doesn't feel like doing) is being 'disablist'. This doesn't translate to kids or me (I'm physically disabled). So that is a brick wall.

My other main issue is trying to raise my kids to accept their dx yet remain positive about life. I am in NO doubt that having ASD is bloody hard. The 'super-power' bits get lost under the weight of coping with ASD in an NT world, all day, every day. But ...
you either take responsibility for yourself & keep trying (without blaming everything else) or you don't. Now stbexh approach is the opposite of course. It's very difficult for the kids as 1 parent models '1 approach' re ASD vs 'the outside world (& even self concept) & 1 models the other. Its v difficult.

Medianewbie late diagnosis for my ex too after a long marriage. Same issue; he is disabled and everyone is discriminating bullying etc. Nothing anyone says can change the mindset and makes parenting difficult.

The more I read of this thread, the more closely I identify with the situation. No diagnosis for DH; he's never sought one, though is quick to point out (to me) when colleagues act in what he sees as an 'autistic' way. They're usually traits he has himself, but of course when he behaves like that, it's because he's right. Our DD has ASD and ADHD, and I think DH's late mother did too.
@BustyLaRoux 's description chimes particularly well with my own, regarding the rigidity and sensitivity to criticism. It's so frustrating to have to bite things down all the time in order not to provoke disproportionate upset. It sounds intolerable when it's written as bluntly as that. Of course he has many wonderful qualities, and I wonder if I'm attracted to people with ASD traits because I have them myself? I know I find many people with these kind of characteristics easier to click with than those who are more conventional.

@BustyLaRoux your last post was scarily familiar.

@DahliaMacNamara your post echoed with me as I also find myself drawn to those who potentially have more adhd/ND tendencies. I don't think I have them myself though my partner says my overthinking side may be a sign.

Conversation in our house today

Me: ‘I’m just quickly nipping to Sainsbury’s to get biscuits for the school thing today.’

DH: ‘Ok!’

<I open the front door to leave>

DH: ‘Hey, where are you going?’

Me: ‘To get biscuits for the school thing.’

DH: ‘What school thing?’

Me: ‘The storytelling day thing this afternoon.’

DH: ‘I didn’t know there was a school thing.’

Me: ‘It was in the newsletter and they emailed a reminder.’

DH: <blank look>

Me: ‘I put it in the calendar.’

DH: ‘Wait - where are you going again?’

Me: ‘To Sainsbury’s. To get biscuits.’

DH: ‘Why do you need biscuits now?’

Me: ‘I offered to bring biscuits today.’

DH: ‘Wait, where?’’

Me: ‘To the school thing.’

DH: ‘Hang on, is that happening now?’

Me: ‘No, this afternoon.’

DH: <looks puzzled> ‘But there isn’t time to go get biscuits.’

Me: ‘There is - there’s twenty minutes.’

DH: ‘You’ll never get to Tesco and back in 20 minutes.’

Me: ‘I’m going to Sainsbury’s.’

DH: <sighs angrily> ‘Whatever.’

He will 100% have come out of that exchange thinking I’m some incomprehensible chaotic person ambushing him with last minute events and flying by the seat of my pants.

Silently screaming.

Bunnyhair GAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

@BustyLaRoux He is highly critical but incredibly sensitive to any form of criticism (asking him to change the way he does something to prevent damage is taken as criticism; me being upset about something will make him angry and defensive as he thinks I’m criticising him). I have to leave my feelings unspoken and ignore them a lot of the time so as not to upset him. He has rigid ways of doing things that really don’t make sense but gets very agitated and snappy if questioned or suggested he might depart from that and do something slightly differently.

You could be describing my ex. The sentence that I have underlined is the most disturbing. I used to do this. I look back now and feel sorry for my past self! I became hypervigilant because I learnt that I had to supervise everything he did without ever appearing too. So I wasn't really a partner, more of an unseen carer or warden. I had to be silently watchful, keep my thoughts to myself and then clear up the mess and chaos without comment. The only thing that kept me sane was knowing I would leave as soon as the children were old enough to be safe on his 'watch'.

I actually think swallowing down your perfectly valid thoughts and opinions because your man is ultra sensitive to criticism makes you ill. It's like living in another century with a mad emperor. What is the solution though? Apart from leaving, which is what I have done.

Sometimes I think #iammelania

I think the tough thing for me is suppressing my enthusiasm or excitement. If I’m happy about something, DH becomes very concerned that I’m not recognising all the ways in which it is actually shit.

We can’t just have different tastes or outlooks: if I enjoy something he doesn’t, I am wrong and need to be corrected.

This is almost harder than suppressing my difficult feelings. Having to squelch my happiness to live in his flat, pleasureless, anxious world all the time.

And yet! When we’re out with other people, for short periods of time, he can be the absolute life of the party. Really funny, engaged, switched-on - seemingly laid back and fun-loving. But I’m so emotionally exhausted by it all that I don’t have this energy to muster anymore and I seem like the awkward one.

I resonate with this so so much. Squashing down feelings is the hardest part. I share joy with my kids and I don't like to think about when they're moved on.

@BustyLaRoux He is highly critical but incredibly sensitive to any form of criticism (asking him to change the way he does something to prevent damage is taken as criticism; me being upset about something will make him angry and defensive as he thinks I’m criticising him). I have to leave my feelings unspoken and ignore them a lot of the time so as not to upset him.

*This is my H too. Except I am often not good at leaving my feelings go unspoken. Which leads to arguments. I know I have to give up on being seen, of existing. But I just can’t.

Interesting that pp say their H’s like to proclaim they are disabled. Mine the opposite. He is late diagnosis but likes to say he is ‘very high functioning’ so his behaviour is never due to his autism.

Oh and the memory thing. His favorite phrase of late is that I gaslight him. Any reminders of his behaviour are things I make up to gaslight him. He can’t remember them so they never happened.

Oh yes that's another favourite - gaslighting is said a lot and delusional.

Reading this post is interesting as I relate to a lot of things for my husband . Undiagnosed asd and adhd but going for adhd after I rang doctors. We have daughter diagnosed at 2 with asd non verbal and learning disability, we have 5 year old just going through process of diagnosis adhd and asd and I was diagnosed adhd last Sept and now in last few weeks referred myself for asd . So a lot going on . Its really hard as I am also autistic and adhd like my husband . I know what I do that he finds difficult. I feel with his adhd particularly I seem to be the one who manages it, so any home admin I do everything as I'm carer for our oldest daughter I don't work but it's like it's my job so to him it's not seen as I manage his adhd. He works full time so I will organise weekends , food, meal planning, (attempt) housework, washing, birthday/mothers day gifts/cards (for his mum as they insist on still getting one) , doctors appointment for anyone in family including him , just any life admin and I struggle terriblely my own adhd/asd. I've found since taking adhd medication since Dec my autism traits have exploded (not realising I also have autism) so that's been a lot and now worried about my husband actually being diagnosed with adhd because I'm guessing it will be same with him with the autism showing after medication. He can never be wrong or apologise, will assume a lot of what is happening doesnt listen in conversations our special intrests are very different but i do try and listen when he is info dumping he doesnt to me. We have been together 20 years this year married for 10. And I am learning things about what I do especially in social things that is just rubbish (talk about me a lot, infor dump my speical intrests, just be generally be very self aborbed )but just the way I'm wired and it's just really stressful. Because I'm aware it's How he's wired. And being Neurodiversity acceptance week this week seems so ironic to me because if a person brain is wired very particularly that they struggle in particular areas no amount of hoping or trying to work with them is going to make a change and we need to make accommodations for like our girls. So when does the accommodations become more difficult and then u just walk away. That doesn't sound very accepting but then I am equally with same conditions and it works both ways. I am just waffling like I do but I'm trying to make some sense sorry if I haven't

@Duggeehugs82 🫂🫂🫂

What jumps out of your post is the fact you are making a lot of accommodations for your dh and he isn’t making any for you. Despite both of you having similar diagnosis.

i personally think that’s shit.
But not dissimilar to dh expecting me to adapt to him but only making lip service to adapting to my own physical needs (aka doing the bare minimum he simply cannot not do iyswim)

I have been thinking about this and we have spoken about it at length together. He does seem to understand he does these things but really struggles to do the actual accommodations, so we will have particularly bad few weeks i will have the chat he will accept what hes been doing and he will try for few days and get better but then stop again. In same way i also do same with things, i mean ive not listed my issues only husbands. . I would assume due to the rigidness (not sure that's the word) of the autism. In same way my girls and me really struggle with certain aspects of our diagnosis.