Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain

" If he said oh gosh I’m sorry I assumed 7pm but I don’t get that."

It might help if he apologised, but equally it might not. If I go anywhere near questioning DH he falls on his sword and apologises way too much and falls over himself and everyone else trying to make up for it. Which makes me avoid asking/telling/relying on so that we don't get to the position of him getting it wrong, and if we do get to that position I just don't mention that he has remembered wrong because I can't bear the self-flagellating response.

Either way, I can't share/ask/rely on without significant risk it will go wrong. So I try not to, and then feel very alone in my marriage,

Yeah I get the frustration with DP misremembering things. He cannot accept he might be wrong so then then assumption it is me who is wrong. Every single time. Unless I can show proof. Which I have done in the past. I have actually recorded him! And ill play it back and say see? You absolutely didn’t say X. He’ll just shrug and say and? So what? Why do you always need to be right?
The answer isn’t that I need to be right. I don’t mind being wrong. When I actually am wrong. What I hate is that he is the one who misremembers and tells me I’ve got it wrong. And he cannot accept there is another possible scenario. So for him he is always in the right, there is no other explanation than I am wrong and he is right, unless there is proof he is wrong and if there is then now I am in the wrong for being right.
If I say “there’s no winning for me ever is there?” (Just a turn of phrase). He will pointedly say “it isn’t about winning”
I know that. It’s an expression. But he thinks he’s being clever….

My frustration today is procrastination. Not getting things done because everything has to be done in an exact way in an exact order. There’s no just doing something quickly for sake of ease.
He has some very important life admin to take care of. He needs to request something is granted but there is a chance it won’t be. He needs a letter from the GP (easier thing to get) for his request but at the same time needs to submit other stuff. The letter is taking longer as the GP surgery are not v quick but he has spoken to them today and it’s in hand.
In the meantime I’m saying OK so what else do you need to make this submission? Let’s get that ready.
It’s fine he says. It’s all on my phone.
I say OK, but in screenshots or emails..? What format is it in? How long will it take? Do you need to get it emailed to yourself so you can download the attachments and put them in a folder??? What needs to be done?
Apparently it’s all fine. It won’t take long. (It will!!!) But I am now the one delaying him as I keep talking to him about it!!! He says he would be better to just get on with it and is wasting time speaking to me.
I am fairly certain that when I ask him tonight if he sent all the stuff off he will reply yes but when I query if it has actually been sent it will turn out that it hasn’t been. It’s waiting in drafts and he will need to sort out the attachments still and he’ll say it’s all fine and he can do that in the morning. But when I ask him tomorrow lunchtime if he’s done it he will say it’s fine and he’ll send it soon, he just has to do x y and z first!!!!
It’s always like this. He puts everything off because he makes it too complicated and is a perfectionist and everything has to be done to the exacting standards he’s set. Which is great in theory, but in reality isn’t realistic and means nothing gets done! Anyone else have. DP/H who wants everything to be precise but ends up not doing anything because they’ve set an impossibility task for themselves!

@BustyLaRoux 🫂🫂

Yep very similar stuff going on in my house.
In the last couple of weeks, it was about a plasterer.

And the not telling it hasn’t been done. Dh makes white lies to cover it. I hate it when he is doing that because now I can never quite trust that what he says.

Yep. Constantly saying things have been done when they haven’t. I am wise now! I say “so that’s sent then? You’ve sent it?”
He replies yes yes all done.
And I say several times “actually the task has been completed? Or actually the task is almost completed?”
It turns out the email is in draft/the letter just needs printing/the phone call did happen but now something else needs happen before x can actually happen.
And he will also use distraction techniques and kind of change the subject. So I’m asking if something has been done and it’s oh my phone has been playing up a bit. Then ensues conversation about what the phone has been doing/not doing and is it time to get a new one, etc. And I’ll say hmm yes maybe, but did you complete that task (because I bloody well know what he’s doing!!!)

Omg yes me too! And the thinking he has done something when in reality he didn’t finish it off… and then submit or send it..

To give him his dues though he is now aware that he does this and apart from getting a bit irritated with me trying to stop him being vague and pin down what he needs to actually do and when he can make the time to do that (like today when he said it was my fault for talking to him as it was stopping him from getting on with it), he does laugh about himself when I say “actually done or sitting in drafts (because I am wise to you now!)?”

Guess who hasn’t sent the request off? He has the letter from the GP now but predictably hasn’t got the others bits I was on about this morning ready to go. Sigh! Guess who’s said it’s fine. He will just get up early and do it first thing. He won’t though….. I could put money on it getting to lunchtime and still not being done.

It is always like this. I try and pin him down to the tasks that need doing. How far along are they? What is left? How long will he need for them? When will he make time? But he’ll just be vague and say it fine and it won’t take long and even yes he’s done it (when he hasn’t).

See I thought this procrastination bit was adhd not asd am I right or is it the same for both? Dh def does these things and we have clashed as he says I’m “nagging” although admittedly doesn’t use that word anymore after I sent him an article on how awful that word is for women

Procrastination is a recurring part of our lives too. In fact reading this has made me get out of bed to write a task that hasn’t been carried out on a list that we share in the kitchen. It’ll keep reappearing on the list now until it gets done. Apparently the person to whom some official paperwork needs to be delivered must ask for it ( but she doesn’t know because she already did ask two weeks ago).

In our house procrastination paired with a reluctance to make or receive official phone calls has caused me great anxiety in the past. We’re more able to talk about it now but it’ll never go away.

Interesting. I had always assumed procrastination was more ADHD too, but whilst I think it can probably be a feature of both (I am ADHD and also guilty of putting things off a bit), I think there might be subtle differences.

The approach is different. If I don’t want to do something then either I wait until it’s urgent or I accept I have to do it and I break it down into manageable chunks. I often start things and struggle to finish them. My DP just seems to be obsessed with things being perfect and meticulous to the point of non action. It’s like he self sabotages. An example is years ago he has a solicitor waiting on some information from him. He just needed to provide headline figures. It was approaching Christmas and they were due to finish working on a certain date. We met with the solicitors and he assured them they would have it before this date. But then instead of getting them what they asked for, he decided he needed to make this massive spreadsheet with different tabs of this and that. I kept saying but they haven’t asked for that! It’s too complicated. Just give them the headlines. He wouldn’t have it. It all had to be documented in this meticulous way. He kept saying it’s fine, he’s nearly done, just half an hour to finish. But then he’d go out for the day or find something else to do. And I kept asking if he’d sent it off yet. Anyway the deadline day came and went and of course he hadn’t sent them anything. This massive document was still unfinished in January. He kept saying it’s fine as the solicitor wasn’t going to look at it over Christmas anyway and it would be fine for them to have it on the day they came back to work. Except of course it wasn’t ready on that day……

Eventually when he finally sent it off over a month late, they got back in touch and asked for a summary as what he’d sent was far too detailed!!!

The same when he needed an appliance. I kept saying the one you have isn’t working. You need a new one. He would then say he wants to have this very specific (very expensive) type but it’s too expensive. I said well just buy one now as you need one now. You don’t need to buy the one you can’t really afford. Just buy a good quality one or you’ll end up with nothing. No. He was fixated on having the one he couldn’t justify the expense of and just went without one for months on end. Jobs being put off because he can’t do them because he doesn’t have the appliance needed. In the end I just bought him a good quality one which he uses often and is perfectly happy with!

He puts all these unnecessary obstacles in the way. Everything has to be just so or it isn’t done at all. There is no taking the bull by the horns and just getting on with things. It’s meticulous specifications to the point of not being able to actually do anything. (And then lying about it and saying things are done when they’re not!)

It’s interesting others find the same thing. I thought maybe it was just him, but seems to be a running trend. I now am guilty of nagging (horrible word, please forward me that article btw!) which I know he hates. But if I don’t do that then things never get done. And the lying about them being done..?!! I mean I am wise to that now and we can laugh about it a bit, but at first I was horrified thinking “so you actually lied to my face?!” but he doesn’t see it as lying. He just has a different version of the truth!!! 🤪

He has however got up early and is working on the bits and bobs he said would only take half an hour yesterday. They won’t take half an hour. And he will need to start work shortly and they won’t be done or submitted and the clock is ticking. But he is up and at least working on it…..

Place marker x

I had this, for 25 year. I couldn't take it any longer. Was such hard work whereas i just gave up talking to him or involving him in anything. He would never get involved in conversation (unless it was solely for his benefit). I was very accommodating for so long...it really was like having 10 small children work wise. I felt gaslighted, abused, lonely, unloved, ig ored, stonewalled etc. He rarely spent time with me. I organised EVERYTHING. mentally i was done. Im happier now.

My DH says the avoidance thing is called inertia, I haven't read up about it much.

Struggling a bit today. I think I'm in perimenopause. So many of our problems are caused by me actually just not wanting to do care work anymore. Just as his mask has slipped I also think I've changed I'm just too tired and burned out to even make accommodations any more.

Scrap that. Isn’t working on v important submission that needed to be in last week. Has found different much less important thing to work on instead!!! Has now spent a good hour on lesser important document and has done nothing on deadline-passed extremely urgent document/submission!!!!!

I said “oh you’re working on THAT? Isn’t the other thing much more urgent?”

Reply “it’s all urgent”

Me “so what needs doing on the other thing. How far along is that?” (Shocked that he isn’t working on it and has found something else to do instead!!)

Him “can you just leave me to get on with it?”

Sigh! It’s always like this!!

Apparently well over half of people with an ASD diagnosis also have ADHD. I find the issues kind of inseparable - I wouldn’t be surprised if ADHD is eventually re-conceptualised as a subtype of ASD. (I’m ADHD myself). There are so many similarities - difficulties with attention, anxiety, difficulties to one extreme or another with routine & time & rules & plans & sensitivity (either super rigid or utterly chaotic or, in the case of my family, a bewildering mixture of the two with nothing in between).

Re: procrastination and not doing urgent things - the big issue for my DH is ‘not already knowing’. Not already knowing how to do something (if it’s not related to a special interest) means either that it must be total nonsense and utterly illogical and so he refuses to have anything to do with it, or that it needs to be learned from first principles and thoroughly mapped and every possibility extrapolated and every potential issue troubleshot to death - but without any reference to the real world, only to some theoretical model he’s made in his mind of how something should work. And once he’s worked that all out, the problem feels ‘solved’ to him and he has no motivation to actually do the thing. Because the main point is to work out how it can be done.

I feel like my role in the family is to try to tether us all to the real world so that some things get done that are genuinely essential to life. It’s like trying to single-handedly hold down a hot air balloon.

Loubelle70 that’s really sad. The complete lack of any emotional availability. It’s not the relationship any of us want.

@DrawersOnTheDoors I hear you re: perimenopause. It becomes clear just how much of my energy it requires every day to keep everyone else from falling to bits, when I have less of that energy.

Bunnyhair yes I often wonder about ADHD and ASD being linked/actually the same with the former being a subtype.

Your DH sounds like my DP. Everything mapped out and troubleshot. All potential pitfalls listed and solutionised (before they arise). Everything listed to death. Example: what are we doing the weekend after next?
Him: well I was thinking of seeing my sister
Me: oh right.
Him: but she is going away for the weekend.
Me: okaaaay
Him: other sibling is free
Me: ok? So you’re planning to see them..?
Him: No, I saw them two weeks ago.
Me: right…… so any plans of things you might actually do, rather than things you’ve no intention of doing..?

And on he will go listing every possible scenario, even the ones he has already discounted as not happening. I’ll try and hurry him along to just answer the question. I don’t need to hear about twelve plans he isn’t going to do. Just the one or two plans on the cards. But he gets irritable and says he needs to list them all. It’s like a mental process he needs to go through. Like a checklist of all the possible scenarios so he can mentally tick them off one by one until he arrives at the one he (has probably already decided he) will do! He can’t just skip the process and get to the end.

So yes I can relate to the needing to go through something meticulously but it seemingly just an avoidance tactic from actual action. Like you I am trying to be realistic about what needs to be done and when that can happen, but he’s so busy finding ways to avoid action that we are in a perpetual state of things not getting done.

The task he is meticulously doing this morning to avoid the urgent thing…? Waste of time. Has spent hours and hours on it. No one will look at it. But he’s quite enjoying doing it and it means he can avoid doing the thing he doesn’t want to do!

*hurries off to look up ”inertia”

@BustyLaRoux
I come from a ASD/adhd heavy family and have struggled through life( late 40's) without any official diagnosis but coming to the conclusion that I probably need an assessment, but I can't even face the idea of the work involved in getting one.

Even reading what you have written about what your partner needs to be doing is overwhelming for me. I absolutely hate doing things which require multiple steps, especially when you have to do one thing before another can be done.
I have to force myself( takes forever) to do the first step, and then if it can't all be immediately accomplished within a very short timeframe, then it's almost impossible, my boost of energy falls rapidly, and things wind to a halt.
This is what realistically happens, yet in my mind I somehow convince myself that I've set the ball rolling, well done me, and therefore it will be easy to pick it up again, when I need to ( it won't🙄). I'll forget about it, and reassess in a panic further down the road.

@BustyLaRoux
I will also very conveniently find another, non essential( but to my mind also important) task to do after completing the first step. I will focus all my attention on this non essential project, rather than look at the important one, because thinking about it stresses me, so the new project is a distraction.

I’m finding with dh that he doesn’t do things when he doesn’t have a clear idea of what needs to be done.

So the plasterer that he needed to organise. Took AGES for him to contact the guy, get back to him etc…
Then the plasterer told us he couldn’t do the job so we needed to find another one. This time? No issue at all. New guy contacted and sorted within half a day.
The difference is that the first time dh wasn’t sure what he wanted to see done. Did we want that wall plastered too? Or was it going to be an issue because if X and Y?
The second time, he was clear he wanted A and B.

I think it’s more to do with an organisation issue and the inability to see the full picture/consequence of each decision. It’s the same when trying to organise a holiday for example. Too many choices with varying good and bad sides so he is getting overwhelmed and simply can’t chose why option to go for. (There is a name for that but it escapes me just now….🙄🙄)

@BustyLaRoux @Bunnyhair @rumbanana

We're a mixed family on both sides and we share some traits but not others. I think many people have spiky profiles that wouldn't get a diagnosis for either condition. But they are both neurological conditions and ADHD can be treated with medication.

My spouse is similar. I've come to realise that it's not that we discuss something and he forgets. It's that he's not really listening to me but instead just waiting for his turn to speak. For him, conversation is taking turns saying things. No actual listening or back-and-forth communication is happening.