Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

rumbanana I hear you. I completely understand why he does it. He is overwhelmed. He can’t make do like I can. It all has to be to exacting standards and of course that is totally overwhelming so he just avoids it. He can’t seem to say, right, what’s necessary and what falls into the “would be nice if I had time” category. It all has to be done, or none of it gets done. There isn’t an inbetween. But the stress of these things not being done is overwhelming in itself. And that creates paralysis. And he then opts to do something more pleasant but far less urgent so that he can reduce the stress and feel like he’s making some progress at something. But it’s all building (these are things he is being fined for not doing and which legal action is being threatened!) and so is the stress but every time he will stall and delay and find a distraction and say it’s done when it’s not and put his head in the sand. I just want him to prioritise and be realistic but he doesn’t seem to have those skills. You wouldn’t believe he does a very important senior role!!!

DuckDuckNo now see that’s my DF completely. He isn’t listening at all. Just waiting to speak. Everything I say I can already see he is receiving the information and immediately thinking about how this relates to him. If he can’t find a way to turn it into a conversation about himself he just bluntly shrugs and says “right. There you go then” and changes the subject back to himself! There isn’t really two way conversation. I am listening to him talk about himself or his interests or I am being completely shut down. There isn’t much of anything else!

My motto when it comes to decisions & conversations is ‘lead, follow, or get out of the way’. There can be no collaboration, because we can’t hold contextual information between us for more than about 5 mins at a time.

^ this is so insightful. I wish I could reach this point. I keep trying to find a way to hold onto some sense of collaboration. It's so lonely. So tiring. So painful.

Thank you. I understand that it is extremely frustrating to live with.
I know that my husband and I don't have what many would describe as an "equal" relationship, in the sense that we both are capable of doing every task as individuals.
I recognise that without his support my quality of life would be far worse, but at the same time, so would his without me. With the job he does, we would definitely have struggled more had I been any different to how I am. It's not a set up most families could easily manage.
I try to prioritise, and am very capable in areas where he struggles and therefore would say that family life and as a couple we are generally happy.

DW will interrupt then if I try to get a word in she'll say "excuse me I'm speaking".

I’m not sure it’s a state to aspire to, really.

I’m only at that point because life with a ND child with high needs means shit needs to get done, urgently, all the time. If I waited for DH to be able to listen / remember / care before making decisions or taking action, we’d all go under.

I’ve reached this level of acceptance under duress. I can’t spare the energy to be sad or lonely.

@Daftasabroom oh god, how frustrating and irritating.

Yes to all and the conversations I also find her pre empts or answers me something that doesn’t make sense to what I’m saying as in his own head he is already finishing off my sentences of what I’m going to say and as such answers wrong.
hope that makes sense!
im always saying no I wasn’t going to say that or no I wasn’t thinking that etc but he has cut me off or cut off listening and filled in the blanks himself..

Oh mine definitely does this. He sort of decides that DuckDuckGo would think this and say this, and he listens to that instead of what I am really saying.

@DuckDuckNo haha, yes same here. I get told "it's the sort thing you would do/say". Even when it's nothing of the sort. I wonder if it stems from living in a world where DW doesn't quite get social communication so makes up her own narrative.

Following

Out of curiosity do any of your DH/DP do anything with you or the kids for fun ? Like days out / meals out / park etc

My DH takes the kids out for the day or to the park sometimes.

It is always framed as "to give you a break", which drives me mad because he should want to spend time with the kids! Somehow everything he does that is kid related must be made in to a favour for me ....

DH is happy to spend loads of quality time with DC as long as it doesn’t involve leaving the house, planning anything, deciding anything, interacting with other people, or doing anything he isn’t personally also interested in doing.

He won’t attend DC’s school performances, which DC finds very hurtful. He always looks for him hopefully in the audience.

DH can just about force himself to attend DC’s birthday party, but tends to sit there with a face like a slapped arse and ignore everyone, while not helping with any of the birthday stuff and generally lashing out and being a twat to me if I try to speak to him or ask anything of him. It would be better if he just stayed home but I think that might break DC’s heart.

Not sure if this is the right place to post but how have you supported a ND partner through grief/loss of a family member?

@Realdeal1 well I tried when dh father died a couple if years ago.

Whats going on for you?

Dh did a lot with the dcs ‘for fun’. It was something he was interested in doing - think special interest!

He is also very duty bound. So has done other stuff too like going to school performances etc… whilst looking extremely uncomfortable.

Otherwise, I was careful to chose stuff that he’d enjoy when planning days out. He never went to b’day parties with other kids. But was there for the meal at home (with my parents and his). Managed to organise stuff on the dc’s b’days many times (with the subsequent fall out and him standing to the idea he couldn’t possibly reorganise a meet up that was in 1 year’s time 🤪🤪)

So very mixed.

It was never a pleasure for him I don’t think.

susansaucepan
ASD DP - yea does loads of stuff with his DC and with mine. Mostly spontaneous stuff as he seems to find planning things in advance more of a challenge. He can do it, but is more likely to leave it to the last minute. DC often won’t have a birthday present as he hasn’t sorted it out in time. Or he’s promised DD a massive birthday party and refuses to pay to get a professional company in and expects we (read: me) can organise it at the drop of a hat. Cue me having to buy ££££ props and take days off work to arrange it all! He just doesn’t plan very well. But yes, he is absolutely up for taking the DC out and is very good like that.

ASD DF - not at all. Will only do stuff he is interested in. Did take me ice skating a handful of times when I was a kid (he was quite into it and had his own ice skates) but then fell and hurt his knee (not v badly!) and refused to take me again ☹️. Will come to one of our DC parties if asked but doesn’t seem to get that it’s a child’s party and expects us to stop attending to the children/party guests and listen to him, fetch him drinks etc. He would take us out places when we were kids, but things like castles and stately homes or B&Q!! Never theme parks or anything kids wanted to do. Now he seems only to come to anything like that so he can photograph it and post it on SM as if he’s such a hands on grandpa. It’s for status and posterity though and a boast to his SM friends. He isn’t engaged at all because he doesn’t know how to engage in that kind of thing. I don’t invite him but my SIL does. She is trying to make him into someone he isn’t!

I know what you mean. Really hard as our needs/ wants are not being met at all. The only way I survive is by constantly reminding myself that he can't help it and that he does love me but he just doesn't have the ability or neural pathways to understand relationships. I also believe he knows this but just can not face discussing anything. Sometimes it helps to explain to him that I feel my needs are not met, or rather tell him outright that they're not(direct approach is better, as leaves no option for misunderstanding) It's really sad as they are having a tortuous time not being able to communicate, knowing they can't, feeling insecure and trapped in their own world and yet wanting to be accepted. I've learnt to lower my relationship expectations, which reduces his stress, which is good as he then feels more secure in relaxing and feeling accepted as he is. After all can we really ever change anyone?

@Lillette your post about your DP being more relaxed when he feels ‘accepted’ made me think that I really struggle with this idea of ‘acceptance’ that I hear a lot in autistic circles.

The idea that if an autistic person’s partner asks them to work with them on their relationship and communication and make changes together to that both can have their needs met - or if they end the relationship because such change is not possible - this amounts to their not ‘accepting’ the autistic person.

There is something so black and white about this - you are either ‘accepting’ me (i.e. everything is on my terms) or you are ‘rejecting’ me (cue RSD & associated unpleasantness).

Because that middle ground where it’s not about yes / no, acceptance / rejection, subject / object, right / wrong but a voluntary, mutually consensual, 3-dimensional collaboration where both parties make adjustments and care about one another’s happiness, often doesn’t exist.

Bunnyhair agree with you. It’s really important to have our emotional needs met. I do have my emotional needs met by my ASD DP (though it isn’t easy as he is very dominant at times and can be rigid in his thinking), but I never had my emotional needs met by my DF. And that has really screwed me up! I think in our relationships with our parents and our partners we NEED to have our emotional needs met. In a way you wouldn’t expect from other relationships (friends, siblings, children, etc). And it is actually damaging to the self to consistently not have them met. To acknowledge this and to say this isn’t enough for me should not be reframed as lack of acceptance. As I say to my DP when he is being very self focused “I count equally!!!”.

I also feel very ambivalent about this @Bunnyhair. When DH was diagnosed I was very worried the dynamic would shift even further and I would be just a service human without any voice at all.

It's hard to explain to others the unspoken pressure that you can be under not to voice your needs, since that will trigger RSD, conflict avoidance, meltdown / shutdown, emotional hangover.

Even pressure from yourself since you get to the point of CBA to deal with the negative reaction to just being you (from the rest of the family if all are ND).

Marking place

Yes, @DrawersOnTheDoors - the need to keep any sadness or anxiety or irritation to yourself, to damp down any excitement or exuberance, so it doesn’t unsettle your partner in such a way that life becomes unpleasant for everyone.

I’ve posted in the past about DW’s behaviour at family events, and with Easter a week away she’s kicking off already.

The background:

We live in the same village as my parents, less than a five minute walk. We see them for a chat often during the week and will usually do Sunday dinner either here or there most weekends. We see plenty of them, all good. My brother and his family, who live about three hours away, are visiting M&D for the Easter weekend and I’m sure my DM will have made various plans to which we may or may not be invited. Fine by me and I get DM wants to get DBro by himself for a bit. We’ve been invited for a meal at some point, and I’ve offered to do a roast. All pretty laid back, no problems.

This morning DW declares she might go to her folks for the Easter weekend. No problem by me. But her rational is that whenever DBro&Co visit we don’t get invited along to any day’s out and DW is made to feel sidelined. We get invited to plenty but she does make it really hard to be included. My family has a lot of ADHD tendencies, this means we like to get up and not hang about, we’ll make decisions quickly and crack on. DW (and her family) are never (ever ever) ready before 11 am and are incapable of making a decision about anything. DW is also contra-suggestive.

So we don’t get invited to all the days out because:

DW will never agree on where we go etc. It’s her way or the highway – except she never has any ideas for what “her way” is.
On the many occasions where we do get invited, and on the fewer occasions she agrees to come along, we invariably end up waiting for DW, often an hour or more. Which obviously pisses everyone off.
When we do get where we are going DW will then spend half the time moaning or otherwise manipulating people into her way of doing things. E.g. if we go for walk she’ll either speed off into the distance, then go left when we’d agreed right so someone has to run after her, or, drag her heels so everyone else has to wait for her.

It’s infuriating, and over time means that we get invited to less rather than more.

So she asked whether I would come to her folks. No. None of them have spare bedrooms so we as a family end up split over three different houses. I am not prepared to spend half the day waiting for them to get their shit together (they often don’t decide what they are doing for the day until mid-afternoon, we’ve got to our lunch destination at 4 pm only to find service over far to often).

So I’m now in the position where I can’t talk to my folks – they’ll only get stressed about trying to please DW, or just tell us to tag along but they’re not waiting or changing plans, which will piss off DW. I can’t reason with DW. I’m absolutely not going to spend my Easter weekend sitting around for most of the days while her family argue and refuse to make a decision. And, with a week to go she hasn’t even spoken to her family to arrange anything – but she’ll expect everyone to drop all their plans for her.

I know it’s the social anxiety, passive aggression, meltdown waiting happen, over thinking, communication, inability to see anyone else’s point of view etc. But fuck me it’s hard sometimes and this is any which way but loose.

Long post, sorry, there is literally nowhere else I can say all this.