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Original poster

Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

989 replies

Daftasabroom · 15/03/2024 14:44

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
WhereTheBubbles · 23/05/2024 22:36

I feel even normal stuff - like he always avoids kids bedtime by going to the bathroom or disappearing - and if I bring it up it always somehow turns into "you know I'm struggling right now" comment or "does that really matter in the context of everything".

I have to just get on with it because my small gripes about doing bedtime with young kids alone are insignificant compared to what he's dealing with.

If we didny have kids - I'd be gone. I can't do this for 40 years. I'll crack.

Thank you for replying! Honestly it's so bloody hard.

Flittingaboutagain · 23/05/2024 23:01

I have young children too. It's so hard to know what's for the best and how to work out what is really changeable.

Flittingaboutagain · 23/05/2024 23:04

Sorry posted too soon. It's the last part that is key really for me. How can we grow, learn and adapt together? Can we at all? The other day I said I'd love to have an equal conversation about how we can learn from X that happened. He said sure let me write down what you want me to learn. I felt so deflated. He just can't grasp the partnership element I am seeking. I don't want to be his teacher, therapist or parent. I want someone who will bring something to the table on an emotional level. Feel in it with me. Not just make rote notes then be unable to put a single thing into action because it's come from me so once said aloud will be taken as criticism and then trigger an argument.

NDornotND · 23/05/2024 23:24

Thread is filling up. What's the protocol for starting a new one? I don't feel established enough to take responsibility- plus am not sure what is the usual way to do it...

Rainbow03 · 24/05/2024 07:12

Ah I hate the kids bathtime, noisy and water thrown everywhere. I do them because my partner isn’t really home from work enough. I just reduce the amount they need them. They don’t need a bath everyday. I wash my older daughters hair at swimming once a
week to avoid that at home. I think I’d be pissed if he ran off and left me because I find it overwhelming myself.
@Flittingaboutagain my ex used to say to me what do you want me to change so that you feel better. What he wanted though was just for me to change so I met his needs. He was still triggered because he didn’t do anything to look into why he was being triggered. He always looked externally believing there was nothing wrong with him. It was going round in circles.

Original poster
Daftasabroom · 24/05/2024 07:33

New thread on its way!

OP posts:
OP posts:
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 26/05/2024 11:32

Unrelated but can someone settle a discussion I’m having with my dh..
he was to drink 2 bottles of 500ml beer before heading out to the chip shop and I said I would rather he only had the one.
he went in a mood then for the next hour as he said he could drink the two and it would be out of his system by the time he drove and was only 2 bottles..
time frame would have been under 2 hours. Was I over the top?

Fidelius · 26/05/2024 13:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Maria1982 · 28/05/2024 22:28

DuckDuckNo · 19/03/2024 09:53

My spouse is similar. I've come to realise that it's not that we discuss something and he forgets. It's that he's not really listening to me but instead just waiting for his turn to speak. For him, conversation is taking turns saying things. No actual listening or back-and-forth communication is happening.

Show quote history

I realise this was ages ago but I just have to say - this!!!! My DH is the same. Talking seems to be waiting for a gap where he can speak. Not, as you say, any sort of back and forth.
if I say ‘you weren’t listening’ he repeats back to me what I was saying …
me: yes but you weren’t thinking about what I was saying! Just waiting for your turn …

Maria1982 · 29/05/2024 09:08

YesThis · 02/04/2024 09:37

I think I will just avoid any form of conversation which might “turn him”. If he criticises me I will just say oh ok sorry. I won’t try and ask anything of him. I will just detach

Sorry, but I don’t think this will work. It’s just a slow psychological self-annihilation.

I can attest it gives temporary ‘peace’ (reduced arguing) but feels like death inside

Rainbow03 · 29/05/2024 09:16

Maria1982 · 29/05/2024 09:08

I can attest it gives temporary ‘peace’ (reduced arguing) but feels like death inside

Show quote history

I agree it’s like swallowing a slow poison.

DahliaMacNamara · 29/05/2024 10:55

There's a situation within DH's family which has reached a kind of deadlock. The other two parties are willing to cede some kind of ground, but DH won't budge a bloody inch until everyone agrees that he is 100% in the right about everything. It needs some straight talking, but if he's not ready to hear it - and he isn't - then he wouldn't take in anything I said other than that I must therefore be on 'their' side. I'm not. They're being a pain in the arse. But even acknowledging that they might have a different perspective is tantamount to treason, because a different perspective is, to him, a logical impossibility. There's truth, ie the way he sees events, and lies. Manipulation. Subterfuge.

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