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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do you ever fully recover from an abusive relationship?

208 replies

Rainbow03 · 14/03/2024 13:15

We were together 12 years and it’s been I think 5 years since leaving. I mean I’m happy, moved on and had a little girl, already had another dd. We are all great as a blended family, relationships is healthy etc etc….But!

If I think about it I’m so bloody annoyed I wasted so long with him. He destroyed my self esteem, I suffered depression, anxiety and ptsd that’s practically gone now having done a lot of work and soul searching. If I think too hard about it I feel angry, will him and myself for putting up with it and for loosing so many years. I put myself in a not great financial situation in those years, it’s sorted but I could be better having not met him. My physical health is not great as I suffer an auto immune condition now which leaves me very fatigued. I have regret because it’s made me unwell probably for the rest of my live.

OP posts:
Allmychickenscometoroost · 07/07/2024 11:59

I could have written your post, word for word almost. together 12 years, divorced 6. Extremely abusive relationship. it has left me with lots of mental health issues and possibly physical also. I'm permanently exhausted, in my body and soul, and wonder if its as a result of that long toxic relationship. I have recently realised I am in burn out mode. Have anger issues, and feel I am incapable of relationships due to the emotional and psychological damage from that relationship although I would love one.

I feel so sad i chose such a bad mate and father for my dc. i feel resentful and sad for the way life has turned out.
I know you feel angry that you wasted so much time with him. I think if you could try having more self compassion and self forgiving, you could heal the anger? I am currently trying to do this because I am spent and have to replenish myself.

Superlambaanana · 07/07/2024 15:20

@Allmychickenscometoroost do you mind if I ask why would you love to have another relationship?

The longer I am single, the more I am embracing it and realising living without a man is so much better than having to put up with all the negatives living with one entails:

They always seem lovely at first. Attentive, loving etc. but it NEVER lasts. Over the long term, men will never do their fair share, so always get more than they give, they're entitled, they expect to be pandered to, huff (or worse) if they don't get their way, are incapable of compromise or altering their opinions or behaviour to accommodate others. As they get older they start to tell long boring stories about themselves or to explain how great they are. They spend less time on personal hygiene and grooming, while expecting women to work hard for their affection.

And that's the ones that aren't out and out abusive! And so very many of them are abusive, controlling, violent and sexually deviant.

We know the horrendous stats on domestic violence perpetrated by men against women.

We know misogyny is rife in the police, many other institutions and quietly in male groups everywhere.

A huge number of men sexually abuse children- often their own children (reportedly 1 in 35 men has the potential to be a child abuser www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3132884/amp/750-000-British-men-want-sex-children-Shock-new-abuse-statistics.html).

Beyond child abusers, there are plenty of other sexual deviants - the porn industry and trans lobby demonstrate that. ANd almost all men seem hardwired to be sexually attracted to very young women - it's weirdly acceptable for men to say they fancy skinny, prepubescent 25 year olds.

Men who fall out of love/ stop being sexually attracted to their partners will often have affairs. If that's not an option, they turn nasty - become emotionally abusive to their partner. They don't leave because they are entitled and lazy. It's their partners fault for not turning them on anymore. This emotional abuse was hidden for so long because, well, even physical abuse and rape within marriage were considered acceptable until very recently.

Now that women are calling out the emotional abuse, it seems that almost every single woman who has had a relationship with a man has experienced some level of abuse - from the low level being taken for granted, through nastiness and manipulation, up to physical and mental abuse which has a long lasting impact on the victim.

Why do we keep going back for more? Isn't it time we cast off these men and started living our lives free of their negative impacts?

Allmychickenscometoroost · 07/07/2024 17:26

@Superlambaanana I've seen way more good relationships than bad ones. I know more decent, loving, respectful partners and husbands than awful and abusive ones which gives me hope. I believe in love and I hope to find it for myself. I want someone to share my life with, to travel with, to grow old with, to share the burden of life with, financial and otherwise. I want the intimacy and connection that you can only share with a romantic partner. I want to belong. I am lonely without a partner and no amount of friends or family or solo travelling or fulfilling careers is going to fill that need.

Humans need love, connection, validation and partnering. That's not going away any time soon for us as a species.

I've been on my own for 6 years and haven't met the right person and maybe never will. I will however keep looking and believing.

The vastness is bearable only through love.

Superlambaanana · 07/07/2024 19:36

Well @Allmychickenscometoroost I wish you all the best in that case. I hope you find what you're looking for!

Allmychickenscometoroost · 08/07/2024 14:15

@Superlambaanana Thank you! 😊

PocketSand · 08/07/2024 15:12

@keffie12 how do you contact WA for counselling? I did the freedom programme 3-4 years ago but feel I need more support. The website didn't seem to cover this or I couldn't find the right link.

PocketSand · 08/07/2024 16:05

I feel grief that encompasses the 30 years I spent with my ex. I feel pain and regret about my children's lives spent growing up in an abusive marriage.

But when I see photos (I have recently set up Amazon photos on the tv) I feel overwhelming sadness and loss. I can't understand this. I don't even like my ex - I finally escaped 14 years after realising I didn't love him, wishing he would just die and go away.

I did the freedom programme. I still have to have contact for DS2. Sometimes he is overly nice - wanting to meet up for coffee because my life as a carer is tough - then the next phone call he will be a bastard and accuse me of things that are demonstrably not true but at the time I panic and don't calmly refer him to the evidence. He never apologises even if I email evidence later he just ghosts me and then god knows what the next communication will be.

He is still fucking with my head. Why do I feel such sadness, why do I panic? Who can help me?

keffie12 · 08/07/2024 21:51

PocketSand · 08/07/2024 15:12

@keffie12 how do you contact WA for counselling? I did the freedom programme 3-4 years ago but feel I need more support. The website didn't seem to cover this or I couldn't find the right link.

You contact your local office via the form or telephone helpline, explaining what you need, and they will sort it. That's how it worked for me

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