Do you ever fully recover from an abusive relationship?

[Rainbow03]

We were together 12 years and it’s been I think 5 years since leaving. I mean I’m happy, moved on and had a little girl, already had another dd. We are all great as a blended family, relationships is healthy etc etc….But!

If I think about it I’m so bloody annoyed I wasted so long with him. He destroyed my self esteem, I suffered depression, anxiety and ptsd that’s practically gone now having done a lot of work and soul searching. If I think too hard about it I feel angry, will him and myself for putting up with it and for loosing so many years. I put myself in a not great financial situation in those years, it’s sorted but I could be better having not met him. My physical health is not great as I suffer an auto immune condition now which leaves me very fatigued. I have regret because it’s made me unwell probably for the rest of my live.

And just to clarify from my post above

It's only since meeting DH#2 that I've really managed to get the hang of being someone whose feelings and thoughts actually matter

When I lived alone, what was brilliant was that my feelings and thoughts DID matter... to me, and that was enough, and perfectly harmonious. But I never expected "me" to matter to anyone else.

Having someone in my life who showed me loving respect changed my expectations of other people. I started noticing dismissive behaviour in others and even, to my amazement, calling them out on it.

That I continue to prefer living in isolation from people generally is no longer because I can't cope with setting boundaries for myself, it's more that I can't be arsed with the hassle. A few people have a place in my life and the rest can go fuck themselves, life is too short.

Here’s my dilemma in my head that I’m fighting with this past year really @Watchkeys. I was liked better by the people in my life when I was easier (when I did as I was told, had no needs or feelings) I knew my place. BUT as I discovered during my marriage to him I don’t like doing as I’m told. Holding in my needs made me mad and physically unwell now forever. Now I am much more complicated and I say what I want and what I feel I’m not liked by the people in my life. My in laws clearly don’t like me. I am basically ignored and talked over when we visit and it makes me feel shit. The other DIL is like the old me, her life is to make her kids and husband life, she is not important and she suffers with anxiety. She is welcomed into the family and I am on the outside. I want to be liked as we all do so I’m split in two. I can’t be the old version of me who was less complicated and easy but the new version is not accepted easily as I’m not perfect and do as I’m told. The old version was abused and the new version not liked so I don’t know who to be. I want to be happy and to be accepted but I don’t know who the hell to be anymore. Nobody wants to be unliked as then you start to think what’s wrong with me, I don’t feel horrible or unlikable on the inside so why on the outside am I?

In my own case, no I don’t think I ever will. It’s been twelve years since we split and I’ve only just finished yet another round of a support group (in this case for rape/SA). I know that he completely and utterly changed who I was as a person and I don’t think I will ever be her again. Sad but true. I’ve had very limited relationships in that time and as much as I’d love to meet someone it’s also stopped me from moving on for a very long time.

as I discovered during my marriage to him I don’t like doing as I’m told. Holding in my needs made me mad and physically unwell now forever. Now I am much more complicated and I say what I want and what I feel I’m not liked by the people in my lif

It sounds as though you're in touch with who you are and what you want, which is great. You don't need a round of applause for it.

Be careful deciding that what you have suffered will make you physically unwell forever.

I don’t feel horrible or unlikable on the inside so why on the outside am I

Because some people will like you and some not. Same for me (as you've seen on this thread!) and same for everyone. The trick isn't to be who other people want; it's to be 'I don’t feel horrible or unlikable on the inside' this person, the one on the inside, and find people who also, at the very least, don't find you horrible or unlikeable. Preferably, find people who think you're great, just as you are.

I had a short relationship with someone once who was unpleasant to me. I spent ages trying to work out what I was doing wrong, and it turned out that what I was doing wrong was spending time with that person. They drove me nuts by not understanding me, and me not understanding them, by being judgemental and always thinking they knew better than me about my own situations, by doing things I didn't like (like continually being disruptively late) and then judging me negatively for not being happy about it... all this stuff was about them, not me.

You don't have to respond to people who just want to criticise you (as I haven't on this thread!), and you can minimise the time you spend with them to as drastic a degree as you can manage. It doesn't matter if you piss them off by being flakey, even, because they don't even like you when you do show up, so you've no chance of 'impressing' them.

It's always the case for everyone that some people will like them and there's a risk that people might sometimes not.

Have you got anyone who sees you as you want to be seen? As you feel you are? Decent, worthy of respect, kind, loving, all that stuff? Have you had people in your life like that in the past? Friends, siblings, colleagues, even? Your partner? Your child?

@Dibilnik ive got autoimmune conditions plus Chronic fatigue syndrome. It’s not showing any signs of going it’s slowing getting worse despite my life getting better.

@Watchkeys umm not really. Most people in my life say I’m either too much this or too much that. I’m not for everyone I get that and I’m happy with that but I’m not bad. I suppose I’ve a few Friends who I seem to be more like, they are also complicated lol.

I find it so difficult to be around people who tell me how to be or who let there partners speak to them how they like or women who think there husbands are their absolute world. I just don’t think like that.

I’ve tried talking to my bfs niece the other day and they don’t like me for it. She is about 11 and very timid. Her mum doesn’t want he to go on a school trip because she says she didn’t want to go when she was her age because she was too anxious . I said we need to hide our feelings and experiences and encourage her to. To look at the fear and conquer it. I don’t think it’s good to teach our children to be afraid of the world. I’m bad for that now.

Honestly I don't think it ever goes away, I left my ex 23 years ago, it was highly physically abusive and I had to disappear with my child and start a new life, I would be dead if I'd stayed. my now husband is amazing but still all these years later I have awful anxiety, worry about saying I want to do things like trip away with friend, night out even though I know it's not a problem that fear is still in me.
The ex died recently and my daughter wanted to go to his funeral and I had to take her and that kinda kicked me back, triggered it all again and I'm now back on antidepressants.
Unfortunately that feeling of not being good enough never really goes away

@Rainbow03

I can relate to this too unfortunately had very similar experiences too,

I really think 🤔 it's the real shitty 💩💩💩💩💩💩 childhood experinces we've had,

does the real number on us,

initially and makes us so much susceptible to having seriously dysfunctional relationships,

Our sense of normality or what's known as stable in as much as healthy foundation wise in childhood teenage years,

Just wasn't there or was essentially inadequate lacking or different kind of abusive

So it feels to me like building a foundation on quick Sand or muddy quagmire

This makes so much sense to me.

I grew up in an abusive household (parents towards each other but emotionally neglectful during my later teenage years) and I swore I’d never get into that sort of relationship myself… until it happened.

The only relationship I’ve had since my abusive one I was completely lovebombed and totally fell for it, he wasn’t abusive but could see how vulnerable I clearly was.

I’m 38 and I’ve never known any sort of normal family or romantic relationship. And it breaks my heart to admit that

No, I don't think you ever do fully recover from an abusive relationship especially if it's gone on for many years and taken what should have been the best part of your life.

You are left feeling the whatifs and so much anger not just with them but also with yourself. It leaves you feeling distraught and broken.

It takes a whole lot of time to feel better about yourself but it can be done.

Honestly, I haven't ten years on, but I try and focus on the positives of that. I'm damned if I'll ever let myself or my girls be treated like that ever again. And in many ways I have healed. I'm not scared of men anymore and I met the most wonderful man- I prioritised kindness over all else and he treats us amazingly, like we deserve

I’m 38 and I’ve never known any sort of normal family or romantic relationship. And it breaks my heart to admit that

Don't be heartbroken! I was in my late 50s by the time I achieved this. Lots of people never do. It starts mattering less when we learn to rely on ourselves to be kind and respectful towards ourselves. Decide what's normal and do that for yourself.

She?

Not sure we know who we are talking to?

What would you prefer? it? they??? Her Highness, His Lordship? does it matter?

Sorry I’m only just going back and reading the full thread but this is me 100%. He changed me forever and not necessarily for the better

It leaves its mark. I dont think we ever stop being hyper vigilant. And when you have DDs you're always looking out for the pattern repeating.

I understand that, and I'm sorry to hear it. You acknowledge that there is a strong emotional component to it, so just be careful what you choose to shape your future life

So we now know how come she can handle his passion. By holding it all in and subjugating herself. He's treating her as he did you. Sounds like the leopard hasn't changed his spots. Don't you find that validating at all?

I think if I went and got proper therapy instead of CBT ( which is all the GP seems to be able to offer) then maybe. But theres so much other trauma entwined with the relationship it all gets really messy

I left him 7 years ago. I left my hometown, moved 50 miles away, left my friends, family, hostels, temporary accommodation.

Someone shouting still makes my heart go cold and then adrenaline rush, an unexpected bang on the door. Cant risk getting in a relationship again because of previous DV and I have 2 young children. Just cant risk it.

I get angry at him but then angry/sad at my past self.

I feel sorry for her more than anything. From 18 to 25 in a DV relationship, he had me convinced I was fat, ugly, a terrible mother. And I'm not.

I still cry a lot, not because of the past, I'm just constantly still in fight or flight mode.

I love myself a lot more now, I'm kinder to myself and my kids have spent almost 7 years in a happy loving home with no violence or constant anger.

Hes not changed at all and his life is exactly the same as when I left him. Makes me feel better that nothing about his life has improved where as mine and my childrens have

@NoddyfromToytown I'm 38 too and feel the same.

Only had 2 relationships in my life. Both treated me horribly and I had kids with them both. Currently divorcing one who is absolutely vile. Police involvement with him, he's extremely abusive.

I've done the work in therapy, realised my childhood was actually abusive. My dad was awful. He's got better with age thank fully - which I think is rare.

I'm 38, divorced, 3 kids to 2 different dads. All 3 of my children have additional needs.

It breaks my heart that I've spent all these years living a life that was....well....shit, apart from having my children.

My sister is pregnant for the 1st time with a lovely guy. I hope and pray she gets it right. Yet I feel slightly jealous when I see them together.

I've put the work into myself and will continue to do so to make sure I never ever go wrong again. But I don't know if I will ever be able to trust anyone again...or myself. Plus I feel I come with way too much baggage for anyone to take me on in a relationship.

For now I'm trying to enjoy the peace. I hope the last years of my 30's aren't as bad.

Please forgive yourself. You did the best you could do then.

Too much? Maybe theyre not enough.

@Loubelle70 perhaps but when I start thinking I’m better then some one I laugh inside at the thought. How can I possibly be better than anyone. My poor ego is very confused lol. I do sometimes have a thought like what do you know you’ve not been through anything but I know it’s wrong to think you’re better. My brain always puts itself at the bottom and will twist all thoughts to make sure it is.