Do you ever fully recover from an abusive relationship?

[Rainbow03]

We were together 12 years and it’s been I think 5 years since leaving. I mean I’m happy, moved on and had a little girl, already had another dd. We are all great as a blended family, relationships is healthy etc etc….But!

If I think about it I’m so bloody annoyed I wasted so long with him. He destroyed my self esteem, I suffered depression, anxiety and ptsd that’s practically gone now having done a lot of work and soul searching. If I think too hard about it I feel angry, will him and myself for putting up with it and for loosing so many years. I put myself in a not great financial situation in those years, it’s sorted but I could be better having not met him. My physical health is not great as I suffer an auto immune condition now which leaves me very fatigued. I have regret because it’s made me unwell probably for the rest of my live.

I guess when you’ve spent your whole life being twisted and forced into being someone else you don’t really know who you are. When the real version of you comes out it’s a stranger. I suppose that’s what a lot of disorders are based around.

when I start thinking I’m better then some one I laugh inside at the thought

The action of comparing is harmful, even if you come out on top. It's ego based, and it creates the idea of you, as a person being a 'success' or 'failure'. But you are just a person. You're not mean or nasty, or weak, or strong. You are different things in different circumstances, and your responsibility to yourself is to find the circumstances and company that bring out the bits of you that you want to see. You don't have to be better or worse than anybody, but learn the skills of finding where you're best placed.

@Watchkeys I don’t tend to be in very many places that bring out the best in me. People in my life make me feel crap inside. I don’t feel accepted or seen. I try and act pleasant. Sometimes I have tried to change what I like to suit but I end up bitter at myself and them. I would very much like to be accepted by my in laws but they probably find me too much. Not that I am we just have nothing in common apart from their son. I find their company false and I can sense it and just want to leave. Very few people I feel comfortable with.

I get so bored of wishing people would like me for me. I end up not liking anyone because what’s the point.

Im 'too much', and i love it!!!! Im me ..fu*k them.
They have a choice, be around me, or don't. Freedom programme and confidence classes OP.

@Loubelle70 thats a good way to think. I don’t feel like that I feel like I’m just the problem. My partner is unlucky he met me and I feel sometimes I bet he regrets it having to deal with all the shit with my ex and daughter. My in-laws don’t like me as I’m a bit complicated and not a pleaser anymore. I doubt they’d want me for their son. I sound so pathetic but I don’t think anyone really wants me. I wish I could say fuck them all but I wish someone would just help me up sometimes.

Freedom programme and talking therapies etc x

@NoddyfromToytown

I really think 🤔 the way to recover and heal to a reasonably healthier extant,

is to be our own best friend such as looking at first of all at our life currently have we got enough support emotionally in a alternative sense?
as if we can't get our support from our parents immediate family, for whatever reasons,
we need to find alternative support system elsewhere could be with extended family,
could be elsewhere with good quality friendships,
and with charitable organisations ect,

we need to explore elsewhere high and low nook and cranny until we find as many beneficial things for ourselves to get actively involved in as possible to get involved with,
such as i often do creative arts and crafts, into music, meditation sessions creative writing poetry,

Also we could join healthspa or and have complementary therapies,
even save up to go on well being retreats occasionally,
seems to be quite popular in my circle to do this,
I asked a good friend how on earth could she afford that?,
and she said she does some volunteering for that wellbeing retreat, in the kitchen,
smart thinking,

I also think doing some research on finding good therapies for ourselves,
even though idea of even just exploring a therapy can seem like out of our comfort zone,
as in being fearful of what Pandora's Box it could leash explode like a hand grenade in our faces or and lives for example someone experincing from Cpstd complex post traumatic stress disorder
a quite common classic side effect of that is lapses in memory of some trauma childhood experinces,
our minds have the ability the coping mechanism of protecting us from traumatic experinces to a certain extant,

The fear is about having therapies, is the idea of exploring going into maybe uncharted mind territories with trepidation and apprehensions as in what we may discover under the surface,
do we really want to shake the muddy waters of mind,

however if we don't explore like intrepid adventureous explorer's of the depths of our minds,psyches,

we will either allways envitable get stuck in emotional quagmires sooner or later, stumbling into another one unspecting in dysfuntionsl relantships or and toxic friendships or toxic problematic situations,

I think going into therapy is preferably than a life time of heartache 💔 pain and confusion ect to contend with,
like akin to having the discomfort of sharp prick of a needle injection to find out what is wrong medically,

I don’t get it but when people don’t like me I automatically think it’s something wrong with me. There are many reasons why but in the end in my head it a fault on my behave. I’m too much, it’s my fault, I’m too loud, too shy, too complicated to this and too that. I don’t know why I make it about me?

@Rainbow03 this is basic advice, but it seems to need to be said - you can't change people. You can only change how you react to them.

Walk away from people who add nothing to your life, or if they're people who must be in your life, hone your emotional reactions to them. This is hard. The desire for social acceptance and to be liked is very ingrained in us. And serves a vital purpose to stop many people from doing selfish things which would negatively impact on the community. But women usually take it too far and bend over backwards to be liked when we shouldn't.

@Superlambaanana I know what you are saying is right but I think there is just something missing with the way my brain computes when it comes to situations. For example in laws book several breaks with other son and DIL and kids every year. We went one time 4 years ago. Never been invited along with them again. When we go over for say Sunday lunch and have a small walk after. MIL will walk next to other DIL chatting and never me. It makes me feel very left out. Half of me thinks they are rude and clicky and the other other half thinks maybe I’m just not likable and it’s a constant battle in my head. They are obviously more alike.

Sounds so stupid but I am actually jealous of my ex. He is able to carry on not affected by what he did because he has little empathy. He’s got a lovely gf who dotes on him and fills him with self esteem all the time. Whilst I am here with a conscious and I know it’s wrong to need others to give me self esteem so it’s a battle in my head.

The main price I’ve paid is (a) main custody
but also the toll it took in my child’s MH
HUGE

so I’m free but we are paying a price and you don’t skip off into nirvana afterwards

I like to think I will. It's been six years and I haven't recovered. However I have had some other abuse between then and now from another family member which hasnt helped and exh is still abusive although I have distanced myself a lot from him now but not completely due to children.

I want to recover. I think that is an important step. But I am filled with self doubt all the time. And Ocd issues and panic moments.

I have not sought to meet anyone new for a relationship. I dont think I am in that place yet.

I also think recovery happens a bit at a time and there is no time limit you can set for yourself, everyone is different and has had a different experience.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and can relate a lot due to my circumstances. I'm still with mine though.

Just wanted to say, its all a mask. It is easier for him to mask when he is often far apart from his new partner, he doesn't have to deal with daily life with her. They don't have children so they don't have all of those considerations either. In fact that relationship is a perfect relationship to a narc who only cares about appearances and the false self he creates for the world to hide his inner empty core and it is in his interest to maintain it.

Being in a new 'good' relationship gives the appearance that there is nothing wrong with him, makes it appear like the relationship with you didn't end because of him, just because you weren't right for each other. This will be very important to give this illusion after the failed relationship with you.

It is easy to fake a relationship with someone who is far away and you hardly ever see. If they were to ever live together the cracks would start to show (maybe not to the outside world but they'd be there)

It massages his ego to have a successful woman 'head over heals' for him and makes him look good, all he cares about.

This woman loves the illusion. She has not seen the real person. She loves the false self he is showing in the small amount of time she spends with him.

He is a big black hole of nothingness. He may give the illusion of being happy but he isn't capable of genuine happiness, nothing will be enough to fill the void. Nothing in his life is genuine or real, because he isn't so it never can be.

All of your judgements of yourself are based on what other people do, can you see that? You personally don't think there's anything wrong with you, but other people's responses tell you otherwise.

@Watchkeys yes I can see that. I feel I’m a lot like my ex just not nasty. We both have trauma which seems to make us need external validation and to be liked. I’m totally fed up with trying to please people to be liked though. But I’m equally fed up of not fitting in with the people around me. I need to find a way to accept that I don’t fit into a box very well and I’m not prepared to cut off my corners in order to be fixed…I’m just permanently confused it seems lol

For example I don’t really like me in laws. They are very old fashioned and believe I should be seen but not heard. I don’t know why I want them to like me because in order for that to happen I have to like being seen and not heard like the other DIL….but I don’t. Why I can’t just let that compute I don’t know. Instead I worry why can’t I have different morals to fit.

You sound really strong and healthy to me. You know who you are, you know you're not a bad person, and you don't want to compromise yourself.

What would happen to you, and your self perception, if you were suddenly and explicably thrown into a situation where loads of people thought you were utterly amazing? You know, if there was a bomb or something, and you were the one who heroically stepped up and to the decisive action that saved loads of people? And you kept getting cards and letters from people saying how amazing you were, and they couldn't thank you enough, all that kind of thing?

How would your self perception be, then?

@Watchkeys I wouldn’t like it lol, I’m an introvert who wants to be an extrovert but doesn’t want to be because I’m not a fan of people lol.

I'm not sure 'recover' is quite the right way to look at it.

It's been 16 years since I left my abuser. OST people would class me as recovered because I'm happy, great relationship with my children who appear to have no issues as a result of what happened, I have a great job, money not too much of an issue, happily remarried (after 6 years single).

However, I am irrevocably changed. I cannot go back to being the person I was before the abuse. I am far enough down this path that I much prefer the person I am now and my life has actually benefitted because of what happened to me (it springboarded me into making changes that led to a career in this field). I no longer feel pain or anger but I still feel sadness, not least for my DC who never had the loving relationship with another parent that was planned for at the time of their conception (twins). So I would say I'm changed rather than recovered and that for me I'm lucky that the change has been positive.

I wouldn't be so crass as to assume that this is the case for everyone, no matter how hard they try. For some the trauma and the barriers are just too much and they should never feel ashamed of continuing to struggle. But likewise, I think it's important to give hope. The overwhelming thing that helped me was the understanding and support of other women who 'get it', who listened and helped me work things through at my own pace.

I hope everyone on this thread has that.

OK, see what you mean. What about if you'd written an anonymous article that was massively helpful to people, using a pseudonym, and didn't have to see or speak to anybody, but you still, under another name, got lots of praise, lots of compliments to the wisdom of 'the author', lots of stuff about how 'the author's words had been so beneficial and made lots of positive difference to people's lives?

@Watchkeys well yeah that would feel nice to know that others have benefited from something I learned and was painful. I suppose it would make you feel like others felt the same and it’s validating. I don’t know it’s just a hole in that part of my identity. It’s not there from childhood, I’ve been raised to please others otherwise I’m just not anything. Only problem is I’ve sacrificed everything previously to get that fix and it’s done nothing but cause more hurt. I literally don’t know how to give it to myself. Maybe I’m a narcissist also.

@Resilience thats a lovely positive post. I hope one day I can accept that I have changed and that the relationship was what was needed for this change to happen. I couldn’t carry on as I was I know that. I’d rather not have had the trauma that went hand in hand. I have tried to be the person who I was before, a pleasing anxious lady but that person has gone. You can’t undo what the experience has done I suppose. I’m now feeling torn with parts of my identity that don’t gel anymore.

@Rainbow03 - I totally understand your feelings about the parts of identity that don't gel anymore. It took me a good few years to recover tbh. I had to redefine who I was and felt like I didn't know myself and couldn't trust myself for a long time. The first phase was properly grieving the person I was and saying goodbye to her. You can't rush that but it will pass. 💐