Do you ever fully recover from an abusive relationship?

[Rainbow03]

We were together 12 years and it’s been I think 5 years since leaving. I mean I’m happy, moved on and had a little girl, already had another dd. We are all great as a blended family, relationships is healthy etc etc….But!

If I think about it I’m so bloody annoyed I wasted so long with him. He destroyed my self esteem, I suffered depression, anxiety and ptsd that’s practically gone now having done a lot of work and soul searching. If I think too hard about it I feel angry, will him and myself for putting up with it and for loosing so many years. I put myself in a not great financial situation in those years, it’s sorted but I could be better having not met him. My physical health is not great as I suffer an auto immune condition now which leaves me very fatigued. I have regret because it’s made me unwell probably for the rest of my live.

I took it out on myself and he took it out on me

Does that not show you in one sentence where the abuse was coming from?

I know where the abuse came from. My problem comes from believing I made it happen because I was wasn’t enough to make it stop. I see the new girlfriend currently being enough and I couldn’t help but see me as the issue. I don’t want to have the kind of relationship though where I’m needed to prop up another person (apart from my own children). It’s co dependant which is very difficult to get out of and the other person needs it and when you can’t prop up their self esteem the abuse starts. I don’t see it as my role and I never have which is why I’m guessing he was so bloody awful all the time because he thought that’s the role I should. I think in the ends it’s why I hated him so mush. I’ve never wished him back the moment I left.

So many typos oooops

@Rainbow03 you sound lovely. Thank you so much for this post and to the people that have responded. This is so helpful for me to read as I have felt very similar following an abusive marriage. I am learning a lot.I think that this experience will make you a more empathetic person ( I’m not saying you’re not already) and in years to come you will be able to help others who have been through abusive relationships. You sometimes need to go through these things to yourself to truly understand others and the pain they go through in life

Yes I'll just echo @MyHuckleberryFriends that this is a good thread and has been very interesting to read. And hasn't descended into sniping as many do, but continued to have thoughtful replies including from OP. It has helped me as I try to learn and move on from my last (disastrous) relationship.

Thanks guys for listening to me spill my brains. It is good to sometimes get off the merry go round and it’s hard when you can’t quite do it alone. It’s harder with a 16 month old who doesn’t sleep so im tired and that doesn’t help the mind!

@Watchkeys if you are still about. Just on interest people who are narcissistic is this just a defence mechanism? Im seeing it in my daughter who takes being in trouble so badly, she is 8 now and she hides away under tables at the smallest telling off, at school also. It will take a great deal of effort and several hours to get her to calm herself down. She will often get extremely rude and defensive after being in trouble. I explain over and over that being in trouble doesn’t make her a bad person it’s just a bad choice at the time to steal someone’s stuff for example. We all make mistakes to learn from. Jesus I tell her that but don’t take the same medicine myself! Do narcissistic abusers just feel bad deep inside and faulty so they do anything to project this off themselves, even hurting another?

No one would have been enough to make it stop. You cannot fill a bottomless void, which is what they are.

The new GF may appear to be doing it but its just that, appearance. Also I think I read she lives far away and they don't spend much time with each other. She is just a representation of a GF which makes him look good, there is no real responsibility as she lives far away so he can pick and choose when he sees her, if he sees her, when he talks to her, if he wants to respond to a text/answer a call. It can be all on his terms. He also gains from having the illusion of a GF to people around him, and how he looks to others will be important to him.

It really wasn't you. It was never about you or who you were or what you gave or what you did. It was all about him and who he is.

I know (now) I was a good wife. I did spend lots of time propping up his self esteem. Telling him he was great, how much I loved him, how much he meant to me, massaging his ego. It is what I tend to do with people. I didn't ask for much in return, I did everything with the kids, the home, financials, everything, all he had to do was go to work and for me, hold my hand sometimes, say nice things sometimes. I quashed my needs in the end to just wanting him to talk to me, he ignored me for years because he knew I wanted to chat with him sometimes, he took everything away, sex, affection, care, right down to even talking to me. I even lived like that for years and STILL I wasn't enough. It was all him and what ever crap is going on in his head.

I’ve been wondering why I’ve suffered so much from him and I wonder if this is just because I’ve been conditioned to accept blame and when I do wrong things I’ve been conditioned that I’m bad. That conditioning has come from my upbringing.

@MarmaladeOrangey I think that’s from a similar thread. My ex moved in asap and she was pregnant within a year. Poor lady but that’s her responsibility now. She may be ok with it.

Children are narcissistic, but they grow though it. They gain a sense of self, they gain self esteem, they are learning who they are and we guide them though it. A narcissist has arrested development, they are still emotionally a toddler which is very dangerous in an adult body.

The key point is: you’ve moved on. Amazingly met someone new and had another DD! Count your blessings. Many of us are still in the battle and dream of being where you’re at. If you focus on what you do have now, and stop looking back in anger, you’ll def feel better. Energy flows where thoughts go

@User11223344 thank you. But I’m still in the battle with my conditioning. It feels never ending. People can be unhappy even with all good things. Bloody brain.!

Some therapy? But avoid the type that will keep you in a loop going over and over. Somatic work is helpful as I believe the trauma is stored in our body. It’s what has helped me the most

100% Now with hindsight I see that my Mother has very similar ways. I was the scapegoat of the family and I played that part well.

When I separated I believed it was because there was something wrong with me, I was a pain, a bother, an irritation, I get on peoples nerves, I'm too much, I'm needy etc etc. The reason I got back with him is because I thought he loved me again and could see me which meant I wasn't bad and I felt elated.
Things started to become clearer when I realised the lies which happened during our separation and the way he operated with other women and how he treated me. I realise I do the opposite of holding a grudge, I just move on, with normal thinking people this is good, with a narcissist it gives them massive room to abuse you more and more.

I feel much better. It’s like connecting those dots on a dot to dot. I get stuck not knowing where to go next.

It’s a perfect way to get someone to stay. Get them chasing their tail looking at themselves instead of looking at you. He was always the problem and what a twisted mess I got myself in. It’s no wonder I had a
breakdown.

Lovely outcome. Same here too xxx

Finding this thread so helpful. Fresh out of an abusive relationship - all the classic signs were there: manipulation, gaslighting, narcissistic behaviours. I need to see him in a few days and I’m really concerned. It hurts so much to have broken off, but we had too many abusive cycles and it was eroding my self esteem. Better to be out while I can recognise this.

It is very painful, though!

@Thatwasthen2 sorry to hear you are yet another victim of a man. They display a huge ability to cause harm to women and girls, and are prolific in perpetuating it.

Unfortunately I think abusive relationships are very hard to get over. We're left with residual doubts about whether we were to blame rather than him - and even when you know he was the problem, it can still be hard to reconcile it emotionally. Emotionally abusive men wreck their partners' confidence, sense of self, everything.

I am nearly two years on from the breakup and yet am still dealing with the impact of my relationship with a selfish, self absorbed, immature, controlling, emotional blackmailer and bully.

One of the things that really wrangles is how many people still ask about him - "have you heard from X? I really liked him you know". Aargh!! Ok, so they didn't know what he was like in the relationship and I haven't broadcast that he was abusive, but why do people think it's ok to tell someone they liked their ex?! It's so crass and thoughtless!!

This thread is a very good one. It's good to know we are not alone and that it is possible to heal. It's also good to be cautious about falling into another relationship when we are vulnerable. I have remained single and despite it feeling strange compared to societal expectations, and having to face constant questioning and judgement from people, I feel happier and happier as I discover who I really am and no longer have to walk on eggshells or please a selfish man! Freedom is wonderful!

Residual doubts, yes. Especially in the early days after break-up.

Let’s remember how we enter (these and other) relationships. We fall in love with what is familiar to us. We are not really saying “I love you”, but we are saying “here I am with all my weaknesses, will you accept me?” The problem is that those of us who have become conditioned to the dynamic of being ridiculed, put down, shamed, belittled, invalidated, through parents & life then often enter romantic relationships where there is that undercurrent. Respectful interactions are unfamiliar, new, and untrustworthy to us.

I am replaying the last scene with my recent now ex. He turned to some people - specifically the men - and asked them how long they last during sex. I had to get up in front of everyone, including his family members, and walk away from him at that stage. He may as well have removed my knickers in public. He’s had many chances to say sorry or even identify why this disrespected me. Instead? He sent me laughing emojis about my driving (because he thought driving was beyond me in his country). Pity the blind man. He will be licking his sores now.

Hello all again. @Thatwasthen2 I hadn’t looked at it like that. Me showing him my vulnerability and expecting acceptance when all I got was my mum all over again. I was very vulnerable and he was just an arsehole. I still sometimes catch myself now going into self hate when someone shows me they don’t accept me. But often I can switch it around and quiet that voice.

One of the hardest things to accept is that it is never actually about you or your vulnerabilities. They never did anything because you had this or that issue. They don’t see you at all, just an extension of their own self, a tool like a computer. We end up abusing ourselves thinking that we are or have done something wrong. It’s cruel.

I dont know. I was still in a really heavy angry place 8 months after. He was still on my mknd 24/7 and i was going over and over it constantly. I was hopping from one subject to another. I was pretty distressed and confused.

He came into my life like an angel and the bond was so strong. Then overtime he wrecked my brain tringulating me with his ex he also emotionally abused. He was still clinging to her who left him after affairs and drink. He was on tinder and shagging a woman from another town for a few weeks whilst i was given a silent treatment for 6 weeks. He borrowed money. Put me down. Compared me to his ex. Checked out blonde women right infront of me. His moods swung like a broken thermostat. He was hot and cold. Lying. Awful with money etc. Little did i know he dabbled in drugs too. Sex went from amazing to never.

How do you process all that when its wrapped up to appear like a soulmate on the other side.

@Amiam you get help to process it. You read and you ask questions. I asked a lot of questions on here. Slowly the fog lifts and the trauma dies down and the brain is able to take in information and it understands and can link things together and it heals. I’m 6 years past now. I absolutely lost my shit. I had a breakdown because I couldn’t process any thing. I didn’t know who I was or where I was. It’s hard and it’s a long road I’m afraid. I was married 12 years.