Do you ever fully recover from an abusive relationship?

[Rainbow03]

We were together 12 years and it’s been I think 5 years since leaving. I mean I’m happy, moved on and had a little girl, already had another dd. We are all great as a blended family, relationships is healthy etc etc….But!

If I think about it I’m so bloody annoyed I wasted so long with him. He destroyed my self esteem, I suffered depression, anxiety and ptsd that’s practically gone now having done a lot of work and soul searching. If I think too hard about it I feel angry, will him and myself for putting up with it and for loosing so many years. I put myself in a not great financial situation in those years, it’s sorted but I could be better having not met him. My physical health is not great as I suffer an auto immune condition now which leaves me very fatigued. I have regret because it’s made me unwell probably for the rest of my live.

@xSideshowAuntSallyx no I don’t forgive or forget. I’ve come a long way and met a lovely man who is nothing like my ex and I can be me. It’s hard trying to figure out who me is because I was pushed inside myself for a long time. I’m not ever going to be the loudest most confident person because that’s never been me. I was a lot more artistic before him but I’ve lost that desire now. I sometimes think what my life could have been like if not for him but I know that’s a wasted thought and many people who haven’t been abused could think the same about any choice they wished they hadn’t met. I wouldn’t change my life now. I have a good partner and two lovely children. Just this awful back story and this bloody chronic fatigue syndrome that gets me down. That’s the one thing I struggle with. I would not be struggling with poor health if I hadn’t met him.

@Watchkeys you may think you are being helpful but you are just invalidating people who are traumatised following the experience of abuse. Desist.

The problem with abuse is not the person who has been used and asking them to treat part of themselves as the problem is not helpful. They are not the problem and have never been the problem.

@Watchkeys your advice over-simplistically disregards some of the basic structures of this kind of abuse. OP’s ex will have got inside her head and intentionally blended his and her separate agency together to gain control. I know you are talking about how someone recovered should think, but OP is talking still from within her traumatic experience, in which she lost her own will and executive control, processes she perhaps (correctly) believes led to her autoimmune disease. She won’t just feel better when she gets her own agency back (though that will be good). She’s also reflecting on the traumatic experience of having her agency removed.

OP look up ‘moral injury’

That is a massively inappropriate text on a thread about domestic abuse

Being in an abusive relationship destroys self esteem, that's their aim, so they can control.
Be kind!
I work at womens aid, all these posts are Valid and real.

You are invalidating peoples experiences when you werent there at the time.
Theres ways of saying things, kind ways.
Its not all black and white

Out of interest, are you a man @Watchkeys?

I've always wondered this. Sometimes watchkeys makes a lot of sense but other times not.

To say an abuser only destroys someone's self esteem because the victim lets it is an extremely dangerous thing to say. This so coming from a woman who's called the police on her abusive ex husband for the 4th time today. My ex husband 100% destroyed my self esteem. It's my job to build it back up but he broke it.

That’s the weird thing. I did have self esteem, I was doing bloody well where I met him. I was in the top art college in the world really. I was really out there in how I dressed etc. I sometimes think wtf happened, like I had my brain taken over by an alien and I chased my tail round and round for years in a haze. It’s pure madness to look back on. It’s like I was one person then there’s this block where I was another person and now I’m this person. They are all me and familiar but it’s not a coherent time line, it’s weird.

Yes I think all types of relationships have a huge effect on us. The bad ones especially sadly.

Having to deal with him now after still feels like madness and I catch myself thinking what on earth was a doing back then with this person who is mad and makes no sense in the way he behaves. It all feels a little bonkers at times like some weird clown show.

Yes you can recover and life a great life. I don't say fully recover as it forever changes you, I see it as scars that are now part of me. Counselling helped enormously. What helped me was refusing to let him spoil my future (living well is the best revenge). And I'm a Christian and have had to fully forgive him, which was hard but is so liberating. Keep hope - you can recover and have a great life.

@Rainbow03 they break you down slowly OP, whereas we arent aware until we are well and truly in deep. Don't over analyse yourself because of someone who posts without compassion. ♥️ Dont over explain

@Loubelle70 looking back it feels like total madness. When I left I was on the brink of my insanity. When I have to deal with him now I have these flashbacks of just how insane he made me feel, Im uncomfortable in those feelings.

Its probably ptsd OP?...I have cptsd, ex was the catalyst.
I understand completely xx

OP, I understand too x For me, it was my Mother. Who then set me up with my abusive exH. I'm 56 now. She's dead & I'm Divorcing. But, it's very hard.

@Loubelle70 probably, I had it bad after leaving but it’s a lot better. I just hate those memories. It is what it is I suppose but that feeling that someone got into my head and drove me to utter madness i don’t know will ever leave me.

The only thing driving me forward is that he won’t take any more years and for my children, they don’t need half a mum. I’m not going to lie it’s bloody hard sometimes not letting the mind ruminate is hard. My favourite question is did I make him behave like that because I was anxious and depressed but then I have to remind myself I didn’t start like that.

OP, I feel your hurt. I spent 15 married to a coercive narcissist who destroyed all my self-worth. I thought I could never find the strength to get out, but I did. That was 22 years ago and I have built a new life with a wonderful partner.

I am torn between two ways of thinking: one tells me that without my past I would not be able to appreciate what I now have, so I should be thankful for my deliverance; the other makes me hate my ex-wife with every fibre of my being. Nobody should have ever been forced to go through the things I experienced and I can neither forgive, nor forget. I don't let my bitterness affect my day-to-day life, but it will never leave me.

I wish you well in the next phase of your life.

@xpc316e , I really appreciate my new partner, because of my horrible previous relationship, however I honestly could have done without experiencing it .

One of the actually more minor things my ex would do was drive the car really aggressively and scream and shout at me whilst doing it. I have lots of memories of him joining the motorway slip roads then swerving from lane to lane, close to other cars whilst shouting what an idiot I was.

That was something I would sweep under the carpet. I was so dependent on him in many ways, I would just be glad when he calmed down and things were normal again.

I really wish I could ask his new hot shot partner if he does that with her? He wouldn't. I think that's a terrible thing on its own without all the other much worse stuff and it isn't something you could easily make up. I won't tell her though. Maybe he will never behave like that and it was all me? I don't believe it tho. Maybe he won't want to make the same mistakes twice because then he would have to face that he is the common denominator.

He will let the mask slip eventually. He might try on to keep it on for longer but it will come off. They don't ever change, they just try harder to cover up who they are if they need too. However this becomes exhausting for them and it will start to show eventually.

I worry about the same thing. My ex husbands new girlfriend is very different to me. I'm quiet, she's loud. I don't drink, she's out every weekend. She got lots of friends where as my circle is small. He will probably be working in a very different way with her. He never really used to drink, now he does. They mirror who their new partner needs them to be but they can't keep it up forever.

I imagine the issues in their relationship will be very different. I kept quiet. Never argued with him to keep him happy. I doubt she would. He's known for being violent in the past so it does concern me but ultimately....it's not my problem.

@Worriedpanda50 my ex also used to drive whilst shouting and swerving, it was awful. If I kept my mouth shut then he’d not do it often. But someone would cut him up and he’d start then I’d say please stop and it would make it worse.

You can’t make yourself completely forget in mind or body, but you can always make conscious choices from now on about what you will accept and stick around for and also about the places you consider safe and are happy to be in.