I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

Again OP, from my own experience,
I would advise you, if I may, not to have a child.

Still time to change your mind though, since people do change.
☕

Your love for your husband doesn't decrease (well it might if he's happy for you to work full time and do 100% of child care and 100% of housework as is often seen on mumsnet). It's more like it pales into insignificance compared for the love you have for your child. There is no love stronger than the love you have for your child as it is a different kind of love. A love for a romantic partner or a parent is tied up with your needs and getting those met in some way. The love you have for your child is selfless.

Having a child is the most tiring and at times the most challenging thing I have ever done. Motherhood is not for the faint hearted. But equally I didn't really know love before it and it is amazing and wonderful too.

Don't have a kid. If you are that happy, it is a very bad decision.

I'm indecisive about my lunch too lol. Maybe it is not the right time just yet I think...give it a couple more years at least? Sounds like you have some growing to do.

I love my husband more than I did before we were parents (and we had a very loving, healthy relationship).

Seeing him as a father is incredible. We are truly a team and that deepens our bond.

However, I do love our children more than him. It's a different type of love, for sure. I would totally expect my husband to say the same. If my husband died, I would be utterly devastated but I could go on with my life. If one of my children died, I'm not sure how I would live.

I think if you're in doubt, don't have children. It would be very sad for a child to be resented by their parent because they take attention away from their parents' relationship.

Just to add though that it’s completely normal to love your kids more than your DH /DW when they arrive. Look at your own parents and how would you feel if they said they loved each other more than you? It feels weird to think like that now but I promise you, you’d be more freaked out if your DH said he’d choose you over your baby son or daughter.

@Opentooffers Unfortunately he’s dead. He died when I was 23. Before that we had the best relationship - he was my absolute hero. My parents loved each other very much, they had a very happy marriage. But I definitely always knew that I was the most important person to both of them. I guess just being the centre of their worlds has a lot to contribute to this - I think I had too much love and focus as a child. It makes me nervous to give it up.

That’s great if you both feel the same, but it doesn’t sound like the op’s dh does feel the same as her.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less.

A broad emotional base might suck the life out of some people, but others might end up feeling claustrophobic in a relationship which doesn’t allow for any ‘interlopers’.
Having said that, the last thing the op should do is to ‘go along’ with having a baby because her arguments against are countered and minimised by everyone. Unless she comes to the decision herself that having a baby is what she wants to do, it has the potential to end very badly.

Love is like a flame. No matter how many matches you light from it, it keeps burning the same. It only expands the amount of flames.

But it's ok to oy want one flame.

Our first born was very poorly, then we had pre pandemic twins. It may well have broken some relationships,but we pulled together not apart. Our kids are a manifestation of our love. And sometimes I don't want sex because I've been with the baby or I'm touched out by clingy kids. Sometimes we don't get to sit and stare into each others eyes all night because the eldest has to be tube fed in the evening, sometimes you have to divide and conquer so we're walking around a castle or museum apart not holding hands. But we've always had time for us because we're a team. 10 minutes outside a hospital eating an eclair, or a very rare few hours in the theatre, time once the kids go to bed at night or whilst they play by themselves for half an hour. Quality over quantity.

BUT we both wanted them. Tried hard to get them. He pulls his weight.

It's ok to not want them.

I cannot answer that question and I hope we get the answer. I am the parent of an only child. When dd was little, I endeavoured to have as much contact with other children as possible. In a little group, then wittled down to 2 of us as the others went back to work in dribs and drabs, we parented our children collectively.

Now dd is 15, she chooses who she wants to come over. Idk how old your dc is but from about 11, they really start to hang and go to one another’s houses with less involvement from parents. I’ve always been the one to have an open house. I show interest in dd’s friends, get to know them, am a bit like a second mum to them if they need this.

In essence, dd has seen me show love and care to so many of her friends and other kids over the years and can tell that it never detracted from my love. At times she was very jealous because I always treated her friends the same as her when some parents put their own dcs before her and she felt this to be unfair on her. Now she is starting to understand my reasons more and willingly gives her friends my number if they need to chat, which of course doesn’t happen often but sometimes you need advice from someone, who isn’t your mum. Dd does the same with a couple of other mums too if she doesn’t want to talk to me… so it’s all about spreading the love.

This, I hope, will mitigate any feelings referred to that she may have in the future. I didn’t do this knowing there could be trouble ahead but because this is just part of me.

I must admit, I don't understand this.
Yes, I'm happily child free.

Beautiful @SleepingStandingUp ❤

OP you have not matured enough to have a child. Your posts show that you are quite literally not developmentally ready for a child, despite being 30 years old.

Enjoy your relationship but do not have a child. There's not a hope in hell that you'd be able to cope.

Wow 😮

My own experience...l was like you.. my ex husband and l met when we were 16 and 17.. students.. got jobs.. travelled all over Europe and The USA.. so close.. so in love.. had our own house ( gifted no mortgage).. did everything together... fantastic friendship group.. 12 years later we had our daughter.. l was besotted with her.. he loved her too but she was " mine" EBF for two years.. l loved the closeness with her.. l did everything for her.. yes he helped out with all household stuff.. but she became my everything..
He started doing the things we used to do together on his own.
We didn't communicate like we used to.. After 12 years we seperated.

@Patrickiscrazy what part of my post don't you understand? The bit about the difference in love I feel for my husband vs my children?

I wouldn't have children OP if you don't really want them.
They are great but for the last 16 years they have been the main focus of myself and DH's life. Not the only focus but the main one.
We have both been clear from the beginning that if anyone needed rescuing from a burning building it would be dc and not the other partner.
Because as a pp says it would be very hard to lose DH but unimaginably awful to lose dc. Both DH and I are clear on this despite loving each other very much.
It is absolutely fine not to want dc and to enjoy the life that you have.

do you regret this happening? Would you go back in time and do more for your relationship? Do you wish your husband had done things differently?

This sounds very sad, for you and your husband and your daughter. I hope the 3 of you have found a new way to be happy and a different kind of family.

Absolutely disagree that every parent should love their kids more than their spouse. Do kids need to come first? Often yes, because they’re vulnerable and we’re responsible for them. But I think they gain more than they lose from having parents who are very much in love.

I will add that there is little that makes me love my DH more than watching him with our dc, putting them first, teaching them stuff, making them laugh.

I don't really understand your original line of thinking about love honestly.

Because despite loving my husband I don't believe I would have chosen to die for him, and you mention in another message about someone saying they would push their husband in front of a car for their child. I would do the same, I still love my husband dearly, as much as before if not even more, because there's a different depth to our love and relationship now that we have been through this new experience of having a child together. (Yes we do also annoy the shit out of each other because parenting is hard and we're bloody tired and it requires work to resolve these issues sometimes)
But the love for my child is different to the love for my husband, it does in some ways come from a different place, perhaps because they need you in such a different way, you are their protector you know? I feel this more strongly than a lot of people I know but I honestly feel that if it came to it I would choose my child over anyone, even if that meant pushing them in front of a car to save my child.

Sorry, that's not related to what I actually wanted to say which was on your specific point here - one of the most wonderful things for me about having a child was seeing my parents and my sister absolutely fall in love with her. It's honestly made me love my family even more seeing how they embrace and love my daughter. I do think everyone was surprised how quickly and strongly they felt the love, but I can't imagine spending time with my family and them not really being interested in her or interacting with her. It would make me so upset to think that they didn't love or care about my child!
And no I am absolutely not just the 'mother to their grandchild', they still love me too! If that's a serious concern for you, maybe it's more of an issue with your mother, has she ever expressed an intense desire for grandchildren?
There is also a HUGE irony to you saying that you still want to be the most important person to your mother... whilst also saying you wouldn't want your child to be more important than your relationship with your husband (or more important to your husband that you)...(where did your dad factor into this situation?)

It's definitely okay not to want kids. So don't feel guilty or like you need to try and convince yourself that you want them.
You really don't know how you would feel after having children, sometimes it's nothing like you might expect, and sometimes hormones do come into play with regards to the emotional side of it.
But if you go in with a mindset of fear, I feel like you could be open to resentment towards a child if it did affect your relationship with your husband (which is inevitable - things happen, life changes us and changes our relationships, we are not the same person at 20 as 40 etc)
My biggest takeaway from parenting so far is that it requires you to make sacrifices and put your child first in so many ways.
It's okay to want to put yourself first and prioritise being able to do what you want with your life and your relationship. But it might not be conducive with having a child.

I don’t really understand this competitiveness.

irs not about more or less. It’s a different type of love.

and my love for my husband is absolutely conditional. Conditional he doesn’t cheat, or do anything else I find unacceptable

my love for my children is absolutely unconditional . There is nothing they can do that would stop me loving them. Plenty they can do that would devastate me, but I’d always love them.

and that’s because it’s a different type of love.

Your husband's ring would move out of the middle to the side and your dc's into the centre. Or not, in which case your dh's ring would remain in the centre and dc's would be somewhere on the side. This would not be a good situation.

You sound like a loving person but needy as well. Speaking with a counsellor if you are in 2 minds sounds like a good way forward. Or not having kids and enjoying what you have.

Reading through just your posts, it looks like you don't really want a child, you just don't want to miss out. That's not a good reason imo. Better to regret not having a child than regret having one. Love is infinite, but time is not. You and your husband will definitely not have as much time for each other. Child centred activities, term time holidays etc will be the norm for years. If you or your husband end up resenting your child for taking time or attention away from you, then that is another human being who you have effectively brought into the world and whether you mean to or not, have damaged by making them feel unloved and unwanted by the ine person who is meant to love and care for them unconditionally. You seem very self aware, so act on this self-awareness not on what your friends are doing or what you think you should be doing.

Is this an anxious attachment style? What causes this apart from spoilt brat syndrome?

I don't think you are a spoilt brat OP, you seem very insightful about yourself.
I do wonder if you have any traits of neurodivergence? Because your thinking around emotions is quite rigid and a little atypical.