I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

It sounds like you're already jealous of this child and the love they would receive, though they don't even exist. I think you should seek therapy to think about this.

I was the same, and making this decision at exactly the same age you are now. Wildly happy with my husband, no maternal urges, living my best life. But I knew I'd feel weird if I never even tried and we had our first child when I was 35. And I can tell you that your concerns are legitimate. You will never feel the same way about your husband again (though more likely than not, he will feel the same way about you and will probably be hurt by the fact that you no longer see him with a golden glow all round him). You will resent him (unless he's a unicorn dad), you will think of your relationship in terms of before the baby, and after the baby. He will annoy you in ways you cannot possibly imagine now. But hopefully you will cling onto what you have by your fingernails, and if you can just keep the faith you will come out of it the other end stronger and better than ever. A baby is only a baby for the blink of an eye, they turn into toddlers, and kids, and teens and adults and they take you on an incredible journey with them and with every stage of development, your marriage changes too. So don't think about babies, think about 'family', do you want to live in the tumult of teenagers, of boyfriends and girlfriends, big family Christmases, family in jokes, traditions, rites of passage. If the thought of that doesn't excite you then you should stick with your status quo and enjoy your wonderful life with your wonderful husband, appreciate every minute of what you have together. Good luck OP. It's a huge thing!

I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me

I had this fear! I remember when I was pregnant making my husband promise that if we ever had one of those dramatic scenarios you see in medical soaps where you have to choose between the mother and the baby, that he would choose me. I also didn’t want him to reuse any of the pet names he calls me on the baby.

Anyway, we have two kids now, I am not jealous of his relationship with either of them, and we are still very much in love. It really adds layers to the love- we still have our couple love, like we did before, but I also love seeing him as a father, and the sense of cosy family love we have as a family of four.

I don’t recognise any of the “I love my kids more than my husband” or “I’d push him in front of a bus for my kids” stuff. I love them all just as much but in different ways. My love for my kids is primal and instinctive, but my love for my husband is special because we’ve chosen each other.

Why?
She seems happy just with her husband.
(As I have been, for a really long time).
Broad emotional base also sucks the life out of some people.

I think it's less about whether you want a baby, to have a baby - though this is always the way it's put. It's not about whether you "like" babies / children.

More about whether you want to do the role of parenting. To become a parent, as well as everything else you already are. Do you see yourselves in that role? In the every day? Some of it absolutely sucks for everyone of course, but a lot of it some people are more called to than others. Do you enjoy and find purpose in teaching, nurturing, supporting, empathising?

I honestly wouldn't worry about there being enough love to go around*. That's just not how love works. I also think if your relationship has survived and thrived through so much why wouldn't it survive and thrive though the experience and difficulties of becoming parents? One thing that would introduce a lot of strain / conflict is having differing parenting styles, so explore that. If you are on the same page then going through challenges as a team can strengthen and enrich relationships. But if you are conflicted about how to approach difficult circumstances, that causes resentment and strains relationships.

I would also explore where your insecure / anxious feelings about being loved less or having to compete for love are coming from, particularly if you do choose to become a parent.

*I do love my children more than my husband. I'd kill him to save them haha. But, that's not the same thing as loving my husband less than I did before we had children. I love and need him more, and am connected to him more irrevocably than I was before having his children. But I realise that it's pretty weird to conceptualise your beloved husband falling down the pecking order... Just try to appreciate if that happens then it's just because you love your child(ren) so much and doesn't remotely feel like a bad thing?

I do hope hope you have found the responses useful OP.

Yes, your heart expands when you have kids. But as some posters have mentioned, sometimes it doesn't.
I think some of the feelings you are having are normal, but some are quite extreme. So it's not really comparing like with like. I would echo what others have said here and maybe look at therapy to explore why you have these feelings before having children.

I adore my DH, we make a great team but your comments seem like you feel you are more in love and more compatible than other couples. While this is lovely, the reality is that you are probably the same as most of us. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that your thoughts on love/relationships i general seem a bit heightened and it may be worth exploring why this is.

Op has friends and family, so I think she has enough of an emotional base.

i love my children more than my husband! infinitely more.
I love my husband and have been together 22 years but my children- i would kill, die and move earth for them. There is no comparable love and don't think you really understand until you have your own

I dont think you should bring a child into this situation tbh.
It doesnt sound as blissfully happy as you try to make it either. You sound massively insecure and jealous of a baby that isnt even here yet. And you and your dh are clearly on v different pages.
Its perfectly fine to not want kids.
But tbh, so many of us have parents that really shouldnt have, because they put themselves first, were jealous, werr insecure, wanted to be top dog in the family dynamic, its an awful dynamic.
If only some of those parents had stopped and not had kids....
Im sure i sound harsh too, but your post just screams 'prequel to a narcisstic parent' to me. And those people dont deserve pandering to.

Nothing to add really except as an only child myself I find it odd that you wouldn't want to expand your family, what if (heaven forbid) something happened to your husband? It's just the natural progression of things. Obviously if you really don't want to then don't. Nobody should be forced into having a child.

Every parent should love their child more than their spouse. It doesn't mean one neglects the relationship but for me, no one comes before my children.

I don't think you are ready to have children as some of your worries are immature so you should talk to someone about your thoughts.

You might feel you have the most amazing relationship, better than anyone else, but you have no idea what other people feel.

You absolutely should not have a baby without working through your thoughts. They have to come first, they aren't a toy and no one says you have to have a child. Being a parent has tough times as well as fun times and if you weren't even sure you wanted the baby, child, teenager in the first place it is best you don't bother.

Agree that exploring your feelings about love and having children in therapy would be good - definitely not self indulgence!

Something to consider about love is that there are different kinds of love: you love your mum in a different way to how you love your husband, and the way that they love/feel about you is presumably also different. Same with how your mum loves you vs how she loves your dad. To be blunt about it - you are not romantically attracted to your mum and you probably don't want your husband treating you like his daughter!

Your post somewhat resonates with me, OP. I do get scared that my relationship with DH will change (and not for the better), but after lots of conversation we both agreed that we would be devastated to live a life without children and we are taking the leap.

If you're not sure, I recommend getting a pet. Honestly. We have a dog and we have to balance its needs between us and it does bring us closer as a family unit. After that, you may feel more towards either side of having a kid or not.

You could also try babysitting for a weekend, or consider working with children/fostering.

Also freeze your eggs so you have options!

It's tricky to know in advance which way you will be once a baby arrives. Nobody can really predict the future. Your deep-seated need to be certain peoples number one love though is quite concerning in a way. You sound almost phobic about your fears that you'd have to share love from your DM and love for you DH with your baby, and also resistant to the idea of sharing your love for your DH with a DC. Your thinking is fundamentally flawed, that's something within you that is unusual and so maybe you should explore that in therapy.
Some how you've put a hierarchy on love and you want your DH and you to be on top of that tree. There are many different types of love, but you seem to see it as only one type exists, and there is a grading system of depth of love for that one type.
Do you see that the love you have for your DM, is different to the love you have for your DH? Surely you don't measure one against the other and decide DH is top, clearly romantic love is different. You can't measure it or compare how you feel about your DH to your DM. It's also different for friends. So, you are already experiencing love in different forms, perhaps without realising it.
Love for a DC is different again, and in a way, having one could be the making of you as its about time you learnt that the more love you give out, the more you get back, and nothing gets diminished, it just grows, so there is more love around.
If the idea of it all makes you feel jealous, that's your issue, that's what you need to sort out. Nobody will love you less, though you might get less attention, and if you can't deal with that because you measure love by how much attention you personally receive, then yes, it will come across as brattish and imature.
Regret the things you don't do, you can only know by trying and you may in future regret it if you didn't try it.
I wonder how your DM expressed love for you vs your DF, did you learn your thought process via your childhood? Where is your DF in all this?

I always wanted children and I'm glad I had them but they are very hard work at times and sometimes, as a parent, you have to prioritise them and put yourself last. I agree that there isn't a finite amount of love. Your Mum would love her grandchildren but that wouldn't mean she would love you less, but when they are little it might feel that way to you. It isn't compulsory to have children and you may be happier not having them.
Is your husband very keen to have children? It isn't clear from your post how strongly he feels about it.

Interesting, I don’t feel the need to expand my family at all. I’ve never had a problem with being an only child and part of a small family. If something happened to my husband (we divorced or he died) then I know that although I would be devastated I have a full life and a full inner life and I could continue to live well. I don’t think having a child in case of something disastrous happening because I don’t want to have no family one day feels like a good enough reason to have one. In fact, it feels selfish!

If killing my husband meant saving one of my children's lives, I would absolutely do it. Ive told him this many times and he agrees. Sounds dramatic....but literally if train was coming and they were tied to the tracks and i could only save one of them i would pick my child every time. Motherhood is an all encompassing love which is fierce and raw and primal. If you don't think you can handle that then don't bring a child in to the relationship. I don't love my husband less than I did pre-children.... I just love them differently.

Thing is that the love for your DH is conditional. You will love him as long as he is kind, respectful and doesn’t hurt you. Love for children is completely different because you will love them despite all of that.

The relationships that get strained after having kids (in my friend groups) are the ones where one party (usually the man) can’t accept no longer being the number 1 priority in their partners lives and the woman resents the man for his expectations that everything would remain the same. The partnerships that have done the best are ones that have realistic expectations of what having kids entails and are jointly excited to do it anyway.

My husband and I were/are the same. Has 12 years togetger just us, blissful,easy, travelling, living in London and having the best time. Having a baby changes things temporarily, you can become ships in the night or like tetchy roommates, its not forever and if you relationship is built so strongly its endure and you'll fall in love all over again seeing him become a father.

Don't have one.
It honestly puts even the strongest of marriages under strain.

You don't know who a partner really is until they are a parent - and then it's too late.

@Opentooffers (and everyone else who has talked about love being different with different people): I agree obviously about the love I have for my mother being different than the love I have for my husband, but I definitely know that when I fell in love with my husband and we started building our life together my parents and my friends became much less important and central in my life.

I guess I think of love and the people I love as not a pyramid hierarchy but circles - in the middle is my husband, then the next ring is my mother, the next ring is my in laws who I love very much and my best friends, the next ring is my friends… I don’t know how it would feel to put someone else in that centre ring with my husband and I. Where do we fit then? That’s the best way I can describe how I feel about the love currently in my life.

Yeah you won't have time for that nonsense if you have kids.

I have a 3 month old, honestly if anything I love him more since having baby. Seeing him care so well for someone I love so much. They're the light of my life. I love both of them in very different ways, love expands. Imo you need to live in the now. You could have children and have a happy family, you could have children and it drive you apart. You could remain childless and your DH leave you when you're both 40s because he's decided he wants kids and you're now too old to have them and 1 year later he's shacked up with pregnant girlfriend 10 years his junior (seen that happen multiple times). He could cheat on you whether you have kids or not. Life happens. You need to decide if you want children or not, and if you do, have faith in your relationship that you'll get through it together.

@ForTonightGodisaDJ I mean, quite obviously that was an exaggeration for comic effect. No need to take it so seriously.

Have your children. A small happy family.
When one of you later dies you'll still see the other in your children.
It's the natural order of life.