I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

I thought this too @fluffycatkins

I definitely know that when I fell in love with my husband and we started building our life together my parents and my friends became much less important and central in my life.

were you very young? I find this quite odd. By the time I met my husband when I was 20 and had cut the apron strings. My relationship with my parents didn’t change, it had already evolved. And my friendships remained as they were. I was able to maintain them all, like everyone I know did.

but you seem to habe a point of focus. I do worry for you if anything happened to your husband or if he binned you off, could you cope?

I think you made a rational and wise decision for you. If you don’t want one than you don’t need to have one.

I am not sure I agree with this. Simply the central ring would contain her husband and her child. Thats what happened to us, we became a three. My love for my husband didn’t change, we just expanded and enveloped our child.

Does this really surprise you?

Don't have a child. Being the child of a couple who love each other more than anything else in the world is not easy for a child. Constantly being second in line of importance can be soul destroying. Stay as a couple.

I’m convinced good relationship - baby cements together even more, bad relationship, baby cracks apart. I love my children, genuinely think I’m super lucky with my husband who I love very much. It sounds like you don’t really want a child and that’s fine, but if you’re thinking about it, therapy sounds like a great place to explore. If you have a baby there’s no going back, there will be difficult times and you have to be the adult (being jealous of your own child is really not going to be great for them) so I would tease that out slightly before you go further.

With the way you feel you shouldn't go ahead. That's my opinion. Far better not to be a parent that to be a resentful one. I agree having babies isn't compulsory but in today's world you'd think it was.

My sister used to say the same thing. Then our parents died and she now bitterly regrets not having children. She feels alone.

No.

You can't quantify love and there is no limit.

I love five people straight off I can think of and while I can rank them in who comes first, I can't measure the level of love and I certainly can't choose between my children.

I've not rtft, so this may have already been said already.

You just do. Simply put. The love you have your child is different and all-encompassing . Honestly, I never knew I could love another human being as much as I love my children.

I love my husband more for being able to share parenting with me. For being there and supporting us through it all. He also agrees about loving his children. We both have said to each other that we love our kids more than each other. It's a different kind of love, and yes, they will always come first.

My H has also said he has never loved or respected me more now than he ever has. Seeing what pregnancy and delivering meant and how strong I was.

He has also said that since being a father and husband, he has more respect for how strong and resilient women are. Not just mothers, but he understands more now than ever what male privilege has brought to him and hates that women still need to fight for equality.

Like heck it does!

I met my husband when I was 20, at university. At that point I was living at home in the holidays still and my primary relationship was still with my parents, like everyone else I knew to be honest. Obviously it had evolved from being 15 and living at home but when I met my husband and we moved in together it definitely shifted the relationship I had with them.

And my relationship with my friends definitely changed when I met my husband - I think most people’s do to be honest, it’s been normal in my friend group. I went from my girl friends being the emotional heart of my life and them being the first people I spoke to about everything (and we lived together) to my husband being the person I shared everything with first. I’m still extremely close with my friends but our relationship has evolved with time and new people. I think this is normal!

Have you considered talking to a professional?

Not so much about weather you do or don't have child but more around your disordered thinking about love and its anxiety effect.

You seem very 'intense', you are defining yourself by your relationship (how its better than everyone else's) and you view love as all or nothing and 'unsharable' which really isn't healthy for you or your partner.

From you post child or not I genuinely worry for how you would cope if this relationship ended.

Becoming a mother will change you, and it isn't possible to predict how much or in what ways. It's a journey into the unknown.

It will also change your husband's understanding of who you are, and therefore his attitude to you will change.

It is also likely that if you don't have a baby, both you and your husband will be affected by that decision and will change. Avoiding change isn't really a secure basis for a life plan.

You might need to let your husband go, so he can focus on building the family he wants.

No. The part where you said you weren't sure how you'd live.
But then I already explained, I'm in my late forties and blissfully child free.

This post tells me you need help and I say that with worry.

There is something so lovely about other people loving and caring about your child. Why wouldn't you want the more people you could to love your child?
Loving a child is a different kind of love to loving your grandchild. It is your child's baby of course you would love them!

@willyoutakethisrose I've read all your posts but not the replies. This was exactly how I felt. I didn't want children in general but had gone into my relationship with DH with an open mind as I wasn't initially certain of his views. The thought of adding a child to our situatuation made me really sad.

Anyway, we talked about it, and he was ambivilant tending to not wanting them either, so we didn't. And many years later we're still very happy, deeply in love and definitely feel that it was the right decision for us.

Honestly, if you don't want one and your DH isn't that fussed either, just don't, it's a non-issue if it isn't causing you any disagreements.

You sound unhealthily obsessed with this guy and you’re relationship. Great that you have a nice time with him and are well bonded and love him but this level of adoration may well end in disaster. I’d feel completely suffocated if my DH had written this about me tbh.
If your relationship is as strong as you say then it won’t be ruined because you can’t have a deep conversation once in a while. The “third person” entering the dynamic isn’t a random! It’s literally a combination of the two of you!

@StopStartStop I’m not sure from where in my posts you have come to the conclusion I need to let my husband go to “build the family he wants”. I’ve said a couple of times he’s on the fence, and we married having made the decision that we wouldn’t have children. And also, if he did want to build a family with someone else, he can do so - I don’t need to “let him go”, he’s not a butterfly.

I think you need to think of it the other way too. It's not just the love that you give to your children but the love you receive in return is something else. So you may be losing some perhaps from your husband but you will get it back with interest from your children. There is nothing better than that little voice saying "I love you Mummy".
But of course the decision is yours, there is no obligation to have children if you both feel complete as you are.

@SomeCatFromJapan wow, this does sound exactly like our situation! I’m so glad to read it worked out for you. It sounds like you have a lovely life ❤️

It sounds like you don't want a baby, which is perfectly fine! Don't have one! You are clearly emotionally fulfilled without.

I actually know what you mean OP as I had similar fears (and very similar situation to yours).

The only thing I'd advise is to be really, really weary of resentment, whichever way you decide. If you're both not on the same page with having/not having a child, the resentment will build up over the years and you might be divorcing in 10 years' time.

It's very difficult to know what it actually feels like to have a child and what a massively life changing decision it is. It was a complete shocker for me as I've never been around babies/small children. I thought I knew. Well, it turned out I didn't.

Perhaps the two of you should try spending as much time as possible with friends who do have children, and ask them all the questions you might have, to have a glimpse into this sort of life. Maybe that would help you decide.

You're confusing love and priorities

You don't love your mum any more or less than you did before. It's your priorities that have changed. It's just that that change feels like redistribution of love.