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Original poster

I love my husband too much to have a baby

681 replies

willyoutakethisrose · 12/03/2024 09:32

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

OP posts:
VampireWeekday · 12/03/2024 12:23

I don't think you should have a child. If you want to always be the only number 1 to husabnd and mother, then yeah, a kid will change that.

Aviee · 12/03/2024 12:26

willyoutakethisrose · 12/03/2024 10:58

I wasn’t initially going to post this but I think it’s relevant as you’re all being so insightful about me: it’s not just my husband that I’m worried about not putting me first/loving me less.

I also hate the idea that my mum would love my child. Isn’t that so strange? My mother in law is so obsessed with her grandson and it’s made me hate the idea of my mum and my child having that kind of relationship. I wouldn’t want my mum to only care about me as the mother of her grandchild. I hate that she would get on the phone and want to just hear about her grandchild or only would want to visit me to see her grandchild. I want to still be the most important person to her.

Is this an anxious attachment style? What causes this apart from spoilt brat syndrome?

Would you say you're usually a jealous person? I wouldn't make any decisions until you're sure but some of these reasons are very weird to me.

HungryBeagle · 12/03/2024 12:32

I don’t think your issue is that you love your husband too much to have a baby, more that you want to be loved more than your baby would be.

Sususudio · 12/03/2024 12:34

If you want to continue to be the most important person in the world to your DH or DM, and want them to always put you first, then best not to have DC. Really. One of my friends is an only child and needs a great deal of attention- physical, emotional, financial- to feel loved. She has health anxiety, and needs her DH to pamper her a lot. She also can't share her space easily.

She has chosen not to have DC, and I think that is absolutely the right decision for her.

caringcarer · 12/03/2024 12:34

If you had a child you'd get more love OP. Little children love and adore their Mummy's. However much love you give to a DC you get back a hundred times over. You will love your Dh more for giving you your DC and he will love you more for giving him the DC. That's how it works. The love gets multiplied not shared.

Member968405 · 12/03/2024 12:34

I think this was my parents. They conceived me two months after getting married, and I was basically an intruder who my mother was jealous of.

If you don’t want to have a baby ( it’s brave of you to be so honest about your own feelings)- please don’t .

Original poster
willyoutakethisrose · 12/03/2024 12:34

Too many posts to respond to - thank you so much everyone! Lots of food for thought which is exactly what I wanted.

I have been in therapy previously after a traumatic bereavement and I have been considering going back to discuss this exact thing for a while - I’ve always felt like it’s too self centred to go to therapy to discuss whether I want to have children, but having so many reinforce it may be useful makes me feel like it’s valid! Thank you.

Re. the medical thing - not willing to go into it as it isn’t directly relevant to this discussion but I’ve had therapy after the incident and I feel in a good place. I have lots of private medical cover and we have enough income to be able to cover things not included (like pregnancy) and I’m confident that I’m in a place where if I had no other choice apart from to use the NHS I would be able to handle that scenario.

OP posts:
Tittyfilarious · 12/03/2024 12:35

I don't think you should have a baby op , if you want to stay the focus of your husband and your mum you won't be able to do that if you have a child

Devonshiregal · 12/03/2024 12:38

Dogs… because young human beings are interchangeable with dogs. Even if you really love your dog, this is a conversation about children.. literally no need to throw in dogs

ditalini · 12/03/2024 12:39

I would worry that you would also want to be the sole focus of the love your child gives you, which isn't healthy as they grow up and away from you.

So no, unless you have therapy to unpick all this, probably best not to.

Your unborn children don't exist and don't ask to be born. Once a child is here their needs come first.

Lampslights · 12/03/2024 12:40

willyoutakethisrose · 12/03/2024 10:58

I wasn’t initially going to post this but I think it’s relevant as you’re all being so insightful about me: it’s not just my husband that I’m worried about not putting me first/loving me less.

I also hate the idea that my mum would love my child. Isn’t that so strange? My mother in law is so obsessed with her grandson and it’s made me hate the idea of my mum and my child having that kind of relationship. I wouldn’t want my mum to only care about me as the mother of her grandchild. I hate that she would get on the phone and want to just hear about her grandchild or only would want to visit me to see her grandchild. I want to still be the most important person to her.

Is this an anxious attachment style? What causes this apart from spoilt brat syndrome?

Actually I think this is about insecurity, I thought it was about self centred, but I think actually you’re deeply insecure and jealous. I do think you need help to be honest in the form of therapy as what you’re posting is actually quite disturbing and unhealthy.

Garlicnaan · 12/03/2024 12:41

Reading your posts no I wouldn't. You have to sacrifice a lot as a parent and I can guarantee my DH loves our children more than he loves me, and I'm the same. If that bothers you I wouldn't recommend it. You don't need children to have a fulfilling life.

gamerchick · 12/03/2024 12:43

You know who makes you their entire universe OP? Your kid. Can't even go for a pee without them hanging off you, in their eyes you hung the moon. You have to put their needs first for a long time and tbh it doesn't sound as if you have a solid relationship with anyone enough to give a kid what it needs. Just going on your posts mind.

I agree with PPs. You probably should explore through this with someone qualified to help you unpick your feels.

therealcookiemonster · 12/03/2024 12:44

willyoutakethisrose · 12/03/2024 10:48

I just can’t imagine the love increasing in the way everyone is saying - that love has to come from somewhere, surely? I think there’s something wrong with me, because I just can’t conceptualise that more love just comes from nowhere. And also everyone saying that they would push their husband in front of a car for their children just makes me think that it must be that their love transfers from their husband to their children, because how much I love my husband now I can’t imagine ever feeling like that. So that love must have decreased?

honestly OP, you feel like this because society has perpetrated a false narrative around love. I blame Disney and the stupid princess stuff

I feel like you have built up the concept of love in your head and if things don't fit into those ideals, it will be very hard on you.

you need to get out of your own head

tittybumbum · 12/03/2024 12:44

CabinetofMonstrosities · 12/03/2024 09:38

Don’t have one then. It sounds as though you are quite happy as you are.

Sounds like he wants one though.

OP if he REALLY wants one your marriage is likely to go tits up anyway. You need to figure out who wants what

IfOn · 12/03/2024 12:44

This isn't about you being able to afford it OP. Your thoughts are extremely weird to me and I don't think you should be having any children in my opinion.

You can go to therapy if you like, personally I don't think it will change your mindset on some of things you've just said regarding having a baby. I found some of your statements to be quite disturbing.

IncompleteSenten · 12/03/2024 12:45

Love is an umbrella emotion that tries, inadequately, to describe a range of different and strong emotions.
What you feel for a romantic partner is a whole different set of emotions than what you feel for your child. It actually isn't possible to rank them. It's apples and oranges.

When people talk about ranking the love in the silly "who would you save" scenarios, what they don't recognise is they are describing vulnerability and need. It's closer to a risk assessment than a sign of love.

you're going to try to save the person who can't or is least able to save themselves.
So between a healthy adult and a child - it's going to be the child. A disabled partner v a healthy adult offspring? You're going to try to help the partner because their need is greater.

Plus what you think you'd do often bears no resemblance to what you'd actually do. And if you don't have a child you're missing an essential part of the picture because you simply don't know what it feels like to be totally responsible for the life of another human being.

It's all emotionally driven guesswork and the pressure you may feel to give answers that are seen as the socially correct ones to give.

Re more love - love isn't a finite resource. It's not a thing. Has anyone ever run out of anger? Oh I'm so pissed off about X that I used up all my anger and I either have to take a bit of anger away from X and give it to Y or I won't be able to feel anger any more about anything for the rest of my life.

Ha! You can always find more anger.

Same for love. There's always a bit more behind the sofa.

Mynaddmawr · 12/03/2024 12:45

We have a 10 month old and I love her with all my heart. The love feels all consuming, but I don't love my husband any less because of it. Somehow I feel my love for him has actually increased (which I didnt think was possible!), because he gave me this perfect little baby. She is her own character but I also see so much of her dad in her already. We had 8 years just us two before we had a baby and I do miss hanging out with him and us being able to do whatever we wanted. We don't sleep in the same bed or get to have sex as often- this is largely because we have chosen to co-sleep though, which you of course don't have to. But this stage won't last forever and I know we have the rest of our lives. For me, our DD is our perfect 3rd amigo and I don't regret it one bit. But I understand where you're coming from. If you're so happy with your life, remember that you don't have to change a thing 😊

therealcookiemonster · 12/03/2024 12:47

AliceMcK · 12/03/2024 12:00

Please don’t have a child, my mother treat me as competition for my DFs affection from the moment I was born, it was like I was the other woman. It was cruel and abusive to an innocent child whose only sin was being born.

you just described my life

MrsSucculent · 12/03/2024 12:48

You don’t have to. A DINK lifestyle is very appealing.

Earthlypowers · 12/03/2024 12:50

Lampslights · 12/03/2024 12:40

Actually I think this is about insecurity, I thought it was about self centred, but I think actually you’re deeply insecure and jealous. I do think you need help to be honest in the form of therapy as what you’re posting is actually quite disturbing and unhealthy.

Show quote history

No need to be this harsh really. OP was quite honest with something that is a bit of taboo and not often said out loud. Calling her insecure and jealous is rather superficial. And the same goes for your use of "disturbing and unhealthy". This is not about labelling her or her feelings, but looking into thing on a deeper level to find a cause for her feeling the way she does.

Original poster
willyoutakethisrose · 12/03/2024 12:50

IncompleteSenten · 12/03/2024 12:45

Love is an umbrella emotion that tries, inadequately, to describe a range of different and strong emotions.
What you feel for a romantic partner is a whole different set of emotions than what you feel for your child. It actually isn't possible to rank them. It's apples and oranges.

When people talk about ranking the love in the silly "who would you save" scenarios, what they don't recognise is they are describing vulnerability and need. It's closer to a risk assessment than a sign of love.

you're going to try to save the person who can't or is least able to save themselves.
So between a healthy adult and a child - it's going to be the child. A disabled partner v a healthy adult offspring? You're going to try to help the partner because their need is greater.

Plus what you think you'd do often bears no resemblance to what you'd actually do. And if you don't have a child you're missing an essential part of the picture because you simply don't know what it feels like to be totally responsible for the life of another human being.

It's all emotionally driven guesswork and the pressure you may feel to give answers that are seen as the socially correct ones to give.

Re more love - love isn't a finite resource. It's not a thing. Has anyone ever run out of anger? Oh I'm so pissed off about X that I used up all my anger and I either have to take a bit of anger away from X and give it to Y or I won't be able to feel anger any more about anything for the rest of my life.

Ha! You can always find more anger.

Same for love. There's always a bit more behind the sofa.

I think this might be the most helpful thing I’ve ever heard in relation to me talking about this stuff. I’ve had this conversation with so many different people and no one has ever managed to explain what they mean in as relatable way as comparing love to anger. Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
NewFriendlyLadybird · 12/03/2024 12:56

I quite understand your reasons for not wanting a baby. The problem is that it doesn’t sound as if your husband shares them. If he really wants a baby and you don’t, it may put an intolerable strain on your marriage— ironically, because it’s wanting to avoid such a strain that seems to be driving your disinclination towards children.

Jk8 · 12/03/2024 12:58

Can you afford to freeze your eggs (preferably fertilised if your partners willing) you can always try in the future or go down IVF even later om

corkystclair · 12/03/2024 12:58

Non parent and happily coupled here. I suggest: see what your view of this question is OUTSIDE the problem of how it would affect the couple-dynamic. Obviously a child would affect it, but I don't know that this should be the decider. If you individually and he individually and you both collectively are super keen on having children, then you have that information. If you are both not that keen/interested, outside of the question of how it would affect the relationship, then you have that alternative information. Both these pieces of information are useful. So: try, if you can (maybe it's impossible?) to see how you feel by taking this one factor out of the equation. I, for example, wasn't so worried about this question you pose because I wasn't that keen to have kids in the first place and my partner wasn't keen at all, so it was never an issue. Just one mental exercise to try!