I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

Not sure who this is directed at, but the answer is: I anticipated some things, but I didn't anticipate others, such as the pandemic. It is pretty impossible to foresee everything in life.

I have no regrets, though I would have done some parts of parenting differently if I got a do-over. I have no interest in convincing other people to be parents though; their circumstances are different.

Thank you for all the insights, much appreciated. May I ask though why would I be alienated if baby groups found out about my mum helping for 6 months? Sorry if the question sounds daft, I don't know anything about the rules of baby groups. None of my close friends have babies and I don't have any siblings so I have no source of information irl.

@Usernamel

because the other parents will be envious.

You must realise you’re in quite a privileged position with your estate and your on tap live in support from your mum for the first six months?

@Usernamel ……

I would not go telling a group of hormonal, exhausted, postnatal women that you’re going to have help every day for 6 months.

Many will have had caesareans, other birth complications and have other children to look after too independently.

@LuckySantangelo35 is right you will face jealousy and resentment, making it difficult for you to make friends and integrate.

Baby classes and mums and tots groups are thought of as being for the kids… equally they are a support group for the Mums who are largely coping on their own for much of the day.

May I ask did your dh want children initially if you don't mind? Also did he like children before your own came along?

I'm asking because I'm currently pregnant with my first and none of us like children. We however like the idea of having adult offsprings therefore the decision. We didn't find ourselves all the sudden warm up to screaming children on the street after finding out about the pregnancy. We were also not emotional when seeing the baby during scans. We are looking forward to the baby because we assume it's going to be all good and easy. We also both need a lot of personal space, especially me due to growing up as the only child of career oriented parents. Reading some of the posts on here had got me worried.

One thing you'll learn about "support groups" is most people are there to receive support, not give it. There is a lot of judgment at these groups. If people decide you are doing better than them, by their judgment, they'll have no empathy or compassion for you. If you're lucky. If you're unlucky, the nastier bitter ones will hate on you and try to bring you down.

@Usernamel are you for real?

You have about a quarter of a century before you have functioning, independent, adult kids.

I’m hoping for your sake that your instincts kick in, and/or that you have the money for a nanny if you have such little tolerance or inclination.

It is not remotely easy.

I see. I didn't know that people all wanted parental help, I've read a few posts on here and a lot of people suggested to do it yourself from the begining so you can get into a good routine. Sorry if I sound insensitive about this, I've only seen a handful of babies so far for a few hours max each time, no one had ever talked about caring for babies with me and I've never previously paid attention to such topic so I might be a bit naive. My mum will be live in but not on tap becuase she'll be wfh and she never priorities me over work. She had also refused to help with night feedings.

@Usernamel if by personal space, you mean you like to pee on your own, yea thats gonna be gone for a few years.
Methinks you both will be in for a shock

I'm really worried now. Should I refuse my mum's offer? Or if I do have her come should I avoid the topic or even lie to the baby groups? What if they found out anyways?

Absolutely don’t stop her coming! I don’t know what sort of groups the PP went to but I never met anyone who would be nasty about something like that. Take all the help you can get!

No, don't refuse your mum's help just so strangers don't get annoyed. Just grow a thicker skin. You will be judged on every parenting decision you make, and not just at these groups. Elective caesarian or vaginal birth, breast or bottle feeding, SAHM or working, what age you wean baby at, what you feed baby, when baby is put in their own room etc. Even your very reasons for having a baby. People will have an opinion on it. You have to learn to not care.

This is bang on.

Becoming a mother in society is not valued or respected.

(Ok exception, prehaps till the baby is 9 months old, then like magic baby should sleep through the night, be independent enough for 7am-7pm nursery care and mum/woman should be back at work, like a tick box exercise.) 😵

You are in the primal female mode, vulnerable, sleep deprived, dependant, and responsible for dependants and well 2nd class citizen in society.

Never has this come to light to me before, but this fully explains my PND, poor self worth since kids, and well fully highlights the basics of being a mum is trodden on.

Family, friends, other mums, even those that never had a career show disregard, and disrespect a woman choosing to be a mum full time.

I would ask how can we change this. But I should really be asking how do I not let this bother me.

And you also, how can you find a way to become a mum and still be respected as an important figure in society?

Ironically in my religion we are taught a mother has the highest position in life not only society. Even saying 'uf' to your mother is sinful.

Wow

I should read forums in Islam rather then mumsnet.

Sorry side tracked.

But honestly what you said is profound mums in society are seen useless. And that has a massive impact on women self worth.

As first i thought your were crazy debating sharing love, but now we got to the route of it and its you losing you identity for motherhood i get it.

Don't do it. You never be the 'you' you are now, motherhood changes you in every manner possible.
Physical, mentally, emotionally, as a daughter, as a wife, as worker, you become a mother.
And mother supersedes all other roles.
And mother is loved on mothers day by society to make money, then expected to exceed in every aspect and not be recognised for it, not be respected for it.

Honestly, for your own happiness don't. Also at 30 you are in no rush. Woman have children in thier 40's now. Baby groups have 9 40+ mums and 1 in her 20s.

@Usernamel I don't know what baby groups those posters went to but I have my mum coming over for a month right after I give birth and then again for 3 months when I go back to work (I only get 4 months mat leave so baby is too small to be left with a stranger, I think). I have 2 close friends who had babies last year and they had similar significant help from their family.

I'd say it's 50/50 in my circle whether new mothers have lots of family help. I wouldn't stop your mum coming and I wouldn't lie about it. Some of us are luckier than others, it doesn't mean we should all suffer in some twisted solidarity.

Look, regards help, everyone would love some help to have sleep, the house clean, relaxation and recovery - who wouldn’t?! Irregardless of whether it comes from a parent, DH or doula.

On the one side of things you will have amazing support and lucky you.

But on the other you aren’t really getting the chance to develop as a parent yourself, to develop your resilience and coping mechanisms with your child because you’ll have an on hand personal assistant. This could prove problematic for you at the 6 month mark where you’re left to do it on your own.

Secondarily, it also interferes with you, your DH and baby bonding as a family, where normally the two parents learn to parent together…. You will have your Mum and therefore DH will do sod all and then again at 6 months it might be hard to try and re engage him with being a hands on father.

There are positives and negatives.

@Usernamel

Definitely don’t decline her help!! It’s incredible support.

Just be mindful of blurting out your position with people you’ve just met because the majority will not have this sort of support.

Agree that you have to learn to have a thicker skin and not care what people think.

@FirstTime867

Both mine and DH’s mothers were deceased by the time babies happened.

She absolutely should not refuse support, nor lie. But just be mindful and sensitive to others.

Our situation was extreme obviously, but out of everyone I’ve met - friends, family, colleagues, baby groups, school mums I have known one person to have a doula for 6 months (major birth complications) and another to have mother live in for 4 months (due to covid bubble)…… other than that no one had anything like this.

Somebody walking in and saying they’ve had their Mum in to help for half the first year can rub people up the wrong way. So she should be mindful of not overemphasising it in conversation if it comes up.

I had to reply to this. OP this evening my 18 month old made a game that she was an aeroplane and about to crash "wooaaaaahhhh!" she said every few seconds.

Me and my DH spent the whole time giggling at her. Our love for her doesn't rival eachother because it's a different love - a nurturing love like you'd have for a younger sibling or even a puppy or beloved baby pet. That's the only way to describe it. It's obviously a lot more intense than anything you'd feel for a sibling or pet, but those are the only glimpses of that kind of feeling I'd had before.

All that is to say, she hasn't divided me and my DH's love. It's bought us even closer. There's three of us now.

I haven't read all the posts, just some of them, but I think this is a little cloying in terms of a relationship, a bit over-intense.

A baby you both created brings a whole other dimension to a relationship.

@girlswillbegirls Unfortunately this won’t be the case for me as I won’t live to see my DC grow into adults sadly (obviously was unaware of this when I became a DM!). I get what you mean though and ordinarily that would be the case.

That's lovely but if you think treating a cat with injections is anything in the same galaxy as being a parent then you're in for the shock of the century 🤣🤣🤣

@SpringtimeBunny Your comment is unkind and unnecessary - I obviously don’t expect it to be the same.

@SpringtimeBunny

I was going to say I agree with you until I read the post…

I had a pet that became disabled within a few weeks and had to administer round the clock treatment for a few weeks and then manage all the appointments and treatments thereafter.

I can honestly affirm that whenever I had a child with disability I was much calmer than I would have been and knew I could cope due to the earlier pet experience.

While not the same as having a child, having a pet can give you an indication of your capacity to nurture and care for a baby/child.

@Lillers congratulations, wishing you the best for your journey as a mother.

Hope the cat adjusts to the new arrival!! Demoted to 2nd place. Remember to let DH do all the litter tray changing when you’re pregnant.

That’s fair enough but she’s possibly not going to be much help in that case. If you have to get up at night then she works during day it will be more moral support than anything.

I seriously had no idea that having parental help was an issue. Out of the few people I know that have new babies two of them told me that they had/are having parents staying over for a few months to help. None were close friends so I didn't poke about, I assume more had parental help just didn't bother to mention it. I also know people who would refuse parental help because they didn't fancy the idea of living with parents again so would rather brave it themselves. I agree with you, I wouldn't leave my baby with a stranger. My parents both prioritised their careers so were away a lot, but they always left me with relatives not nannies, they paid relatives to look after me.