I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

For me it's very simple: my children are the only people I love unconditionally and I would give my own life for and would kill for. All other love is conditional and I wouldn't give my own life or kill for anyone else.

Asking the Q on mumsnet though suggests the OP isn't 100pc certain.

Hmm, or maybe women are so used to being asked a million variations on "are you having children?" that they're left wondering "well, what if?".

I know I don't want children but it's still a view that's frowned upon by many. I get told I'll regret it, or that I'd be such a good mum, or that children are so wonderful.

I have the confidence to know it's not for me but I don't think it's that easy for everyone.

There is such a thing as paralysis by analysis.

The difficulty of both marriage and children depends on the luck of the draw!
Of course spouses should be compatible, but I know many people who've never had to deal with anything particularly hard like poverty or severe illness. Of course we all have our ups and downs but not everyone has been through real storms together.
Similarly, children can be easy or difficult. As cruel as this sounds. You may get a happy, healthy child or one that's severely disabled, needing one party to give up work, severely restricting your financial stability and choices for the next few decades. So other people enjoying their children is irrelevant really. Even with moderate disabilities especially neurodiversity life can be so much harder.

To me, only those who have the overwhelming, primal desire to have a child, despite knowing all this, should go ahead. Of course there should be some sense like a secure home and a degree of financial stability. But the moment you go down the road of multiple 'what ifs' well you don't really want one IMO. It cannot be undone, so better to never do it.

OP DH and I are both ND there's a high chance our children will be too. But we want them anyway. We're the most rational, overanalysing people and have a nice life now, we have doubts too of course. But the desire is still very strong. You don't sound like you really want them tbh.

I could have wrote your post 4 years ago. Now we have 2 children and I flip flop between being the happiest and proudest mother in the world to googling "regret after having children". I hope that honesty won't bring hateful comments my way but it is true.
I strongly believe you shouldn't have kids unless you are sure. The funniest thing is people always talk about it being worth it because of the love you will feel, but when you are in a really good relationship like you describe you have all the love in the world.

The good thing is you don’t have to have a child. Better to regret not having one later than regret having one later if you’re not sure

OP you seem determined to prove that you already have experiences in your life that are equivalent to being a parent. They are not.

This really. I've been in your shoes op, single child, etc. Truth is I didn't understand what it meant the love for s child means. It can o ly really be experienced.it's intense, selfless, condition less and boundless. It's not at all similar to the love you feel for your partner hence does not diminish it, on the contrary it enriches your experience together as a couple. Yes it's stressful but the love is so strong that the stress is more because of a worry that something will happen to your child. So you're stressed because of worry which is because of love. Other day to day nappy change not sleeping etc passes quickly so think long term.

But if a couple have a very happy relationship why would they risk having a child unless they both very much wanted one?

The OP has said several times that her husband does not want children and they married on the basis of not having any. I don't know why posters keep insisting that he does want them

Children should be really wanted, you don't really want one. Why have a child that you hope you won't love more than your husband? I'm not saying that to be rude I just think from the childs (and future adult) perspective it's not a great start.

@willyoutakethisrose tbh seeing my husband become a father, and actually be a father made me fall more in love with him. Our DD is a mix of the two of us and she's made us complete (at thr risk of sounding totally corny and blurgh) x

I completely understand your concerns. I had them too. I just didn’t want anything to spoil or change our little bubble, but I also had a feeling that I really wanted to be a mum and I knew he would be a great dad too.

We have a child now and yes, it did change our bubble. Things are harder now in a lot of ways as we have more responsibilities and less time together. But I love him very much and we’re still very happy - just in a different way. It’s not worse or lesser.

We enjoy our time together just the two of us, and our time as a family too. We’ve always tried to make time for each other despite being parents and whilst we don’t have sex as much, we are affectionate and loving towards each other. I know no one else will love our child as much as we do and because of this and that we share something so special, it enriches the relationship.

I won’t compare the love as like previous posters have said, it’s just a different type. Same as you love a parent differently to a friend or a romantic partner or another family member.

I hope this helps, and honestly, you will have a happy life with or without a child I’m sure.

I worked for MoD, both as a serviceman and a civilian around the time my son was born, my wife worked part time also. If you have relatives to give free-child care, there is not much of a problem. We didn't for 2 years. My wife was forced to go part time because of the circumstances. This put a great strain on us financially and with any other interests we wanted to have. She was not paid in the college holidays.

You have to be prepared to give up a lot of activities, you may have had, before having a child.

My mother and father in-law moved near us eventually and most of the really stressful problems went away. The worst was the cost of child care. We were always overdrawn at the end of each. month. We had to run two cars. We both had reasonable salaries: I was a Sergeant in the RAF and then a Technical officer for MoD, she was a lecturer at the Local Tech College.

You have to be prepared for a dramatic change in life style. This was in the 1970s: mortgages were not so horrendous then, but were then, still, frightening at times, with the fluctuations in monthly payments.

It was stressful at the time but later things improved. I just think myself lucky I was not sent to the Falklands for 6 months as other people I knew were, during this period.

Just imagine you are on a combined income of £50,000 a year an suddenly that is halved and your activities initially stop dead and gradually pick up again over 3 years.

I would still repeat what we did, if I went around again!

I think you’re getting quite a hard time here, OP. My first child was a surprise. My relationship did not withstand the change and it was much more because of my resentment at the way my life had to change than my child’s father’s. I’ve always had very high expectations from life, whereas his were lower. He was happy to stay home, go to the park etc where I found it soul crushing and it made me feel suffocated.

I, too, had a terrible experience with the NHS and it was during childbirth. It has given me an intense phobia of medical professionals as well as a life changing anxiety disorder (PTSD) because I felt so completely out of control and unheard. I don’t blame you one bit for worrying about having to interact with the system again.

Kids aren’t for everyone. They take over your life, at least for the first few years, and it is boring, relentless and exhausting. You DO feel like you’ve lost your sense of self. For some people, that’s acceptable. My Mum wasn’t crazy about being a Mum either. I have always had a very strong sense of self, and that’s not ‘wrong’ but it caused a huge amount of conflict for me. I started truly enjoying mine around age 12 when we started to have common interests and could do things. The little kid years are hard.

Only you know what the perfect life looks like to you. If you have a fantastic relationship and a lovely life, which it sounds like you do, maybe you don’t need to have kids. Revisit it again in another 2-3 years and see how you feel.

This is a brilliant post, and spot on.

I understand your logic but also you're asking him to choose someone he's never met and to deal with his grief whilst facing single fatherhood. It's a big ask.

Fuck that. Ive 3 dds and they most certainly have not been reared that way.

Having a child will undoubtedly change your relationship, perhaps for the better, but perhaps for the worse. I think I’d say don’t have children. It sounds like you have a great life and are very happy. A woman does sacrifice a lot to have children, I adore my 3 but I have spent the last 30yrs always being last. Mine are all nearly grown up now so I get that back now; but the added benefit of 3 lovely adult children. But having children isn’t everything so I’d just continue as you are, the urge may catch you as you get older and having children becomes more important. I guess time will tell. Good luck OP

I think you are so right to think about this, particularly as you have such a happy and healthy relationship and a fulfilled life.

My view is only have a baby if you are 100% certain and really want to become a family. Being three is so so different from being two. No matter what your husband says, if he is a good dad, your child will become his priority as will it yours. That's okay and normal but can take a big adjustment.

Mine and my partner had your type of happy relationship and were both very very keen to become parents. Due to struggles we'd been together 15 years by the time we had our child. Despite really solid foundations it was such a big adjustment and not always an easy one. At times I felt left out, while they spent time bonding, as I'm sure by husband did whilst I was breastfeeding, which of course made me feel terrible as well as lonely. Those hormones don't help that at all.

Now for the positives, those hard times passed and we are a really happy three and both adore our son like nothing else. I couldnt imagine not having him and love the life we have created together.

I guess what I'm saying is, as certain as we were and as in love as we were pre-kids, it was still hard and did fundamentally change our relationship forever, it isn't worse now, it is just different. We are first and foremost parents and likely will be until our child is an adult.

Don't let society convince you, you will regret it if uou don't have kids. You may well not!

Through my work I once had a conversation with a psychologist giving me information I needed for something .

We were talking about children and number of children in families.

It's pertinent because what she said was -

Love isn't finite, to be dished out and then it runs out.

Love is like a river and everyone who stands in it is bathed in the water [love].

I met my now husband when I was 16 and we are still together now that I am in my early 40’s.

The relationship you describe with your DH sounds very similar to mine.

We have two children now and our relationship has evolved. Is it different to what it was when we were child free? Of course. Because we cannot prioritise each other now. We have to put our children first. Life is very different with children.

The love I feel for my children is like no other. It’s indescribable.

This doesn’t mean I love my husband any less. If anything I love him more.

However, I don’t love him more just because he is a dad - it’s more complex than that. Our love has grown over time, over shared experiences. For us, that included having children. Your love for each other and relationship will evolve with or without children. That is just life.

I feel similarly OP. Love isn't finite but time is. Children take endless hours of care, which is time my partner and I would then miss out on being together just us.

You don't have to have a child of you're happy living the life you have but i don't think you should think it's going to ruin your relationship.

I think you were very brave to post this so honestly. I think no one is ever really ready to be a parent no matter how prepared you are. Unless you have an overwhelming urge to be a parent I'd say don't. It is a completely different love and fulfilling in ways you can't imagine. But it's damn hard too.

Yes, but most of us aren't worried about our mums loving our DC more than us. That's really rather alarming.

You're twisting yourself in knots, making silly statements and manipulating things people say to fit your narrative. My sense is you don't want children and don't know how to justify it.

Just say it. You don't want kids. You like your life as it is and you are happy and fulfilled. Period. End of story. Leave all the nonsense about love out of the narrative.

It's ok to not have children. It's ok to be happy and childless at the same time. It really is. It's your life, live it how you like.