I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

We can't live together full time yet because we both have semi dependant parents who couldn't survive on their own. We have been together for three and a half years, obviously we both want to live together full time and get married, we're both heading to mid 30's.
Saying we aren't "fully committed" to eachother is frankly insulting, as it's out of our hands to live together full time unless either we win the lottery, or his mum or my dad dies. Unless you think one of us should just abandon our parent in a "fuck them, i'm putting myself first" situation?

I wouldn’t. Given what you’ve said, I can’t see any motivations for going ahead.

Reading this I was really struggling to relate to some of the behaviours you put down as the result of being an only child, because I'm one too and don't recognise it. And realised it might be to do with how different our mothers are.

As an only child, I've never craved being the centre of anyone's world or worrying about my mother or DP loving a child more than me. Even though I was very loved and obviously a focus for my parents. But my mum was a career woman, and had quite an exciting life she included me in, and my dad always encouraged independence - more to discourage me settling down too young without exploring the world. So at 20 I left my home country alone and built a whole new life abroad away from my parents. We have always been close but I wanted to break free from all the attention, and enjoy the anonymity of being my own person. Whereas I think you went straight from being with your parents to being with DH, and never had the feeling of being solely responsible for giving yourself all the attention. Possessiveness is a trait that can be unlearned and I personally think it's about needing to be in control and fear of the unknown, which is exacerbated when people never strike out on their own.

I think your reasons for not wanting to be a mum are valid because there is the possibility you will have a complicated relationship with your child. MY friend is a bit like you, also an only child and also possessive in her way of her DH and father's attention. She didn't even like it when her cat gave someone more attention than her. She finally decided to have a child because DH wanted one in their late 30s, and she has struggled all the way through. Not because her DH loves baby more but because she's never had to nurture herself so doesn't know how to nurture a baby. She's a good mother in that she's read all the books and does all the right things, but has admitted she resents having to look after something so helpless. It's more consuming that dealing with an equal. She has recognised her feelings and trying to work through them but not easy.

You're self aware and introspective which is a great place to be. The reasons for not having kids is irrelevant - don't have them if you don't want to. A lot of people thing parenting is just giving kids a nice lifestyle, a good education and caring for their health - but it's also about giving kids attention, being patient enough to help them grow and develop their own personalities (even when nothing like yours), and mostly emotionally connecting with them. The Stately Homes threads are a good example of that detached parenting style and the way it impacts kids. So if you can figure out a way to share the love, and grow your love, then i'd consider it. If not, there's many other joys in life where you can stay exactly as you are.

It's a different situation as the choice was out of my hands - health issues, and never had a relationship with anyone I wanted children with, but I also never had a burning desire to have children.
I'm 47, and don't regret not having children at all. My life is my own. I now have a wonderful partner, and we get to enjoy each other; I/we can pursue my/our hobbies, I have close friend relationships, and I'm extremely content with my life. I don't feel, and never have felt, that there is something missing.
I don't think you're being selfish, at all; you're being realistic, and wise to give thought to it.
Don't have children just because you feel you should.

My son is 4. If you could offer me a choice of two lives, one where it was just me and my husband, relative wealth and a bit of luxury, a decent amount of free time or b) one with our little boy, full of happy chaos, lack of sleep, no free time, more wrinkles, financial worries about how to afford the nursery fees etc. I would choose life b every single time. I was surprised how much I loved my son from the split second I held him. And I love my husband more than I ever thought possible as a dad. From what you've said, you've got a great set up for potentially having children, so wouldn't let your worries about the relationship stop you.
Equally, if you don't want children, then you shouldn't feel like should have them either.

@AlmostAJillSandwich

You only have one life and if you're heading to mid 30s you don't have a lot of time left to decide to start trying. You might think that you do, but you don't. 3 and a half years is time to move to the next stage.

You need to prioritise living together so that you can make that decision. I would be looking into care options/moving.

If my mother or father thought they were holding me back in starting a family they'd run to a care home.

Absolutely not a problem for women to centre themselves. But if you are jealous of your baby before it is even concieved, best not to have any.

@AlmostAJillSandwich

If you’re serious you need to look at getting a home together with an annexe type situation for parents or shared home…. You can’t put your life on hold forever - never mind children, you’re missing out on your relationship.

@Spudthespanner you have to warrant being in a care home, places are limited and there is a waitlist… if they can cope at home with support there is no reason to be in a care home. A fold or supported community would be the next step or stepping back and implementing a care plan but there may not be money to fund this without selling home etc. it’s complicated.

@Garmadon

Yes I said "care options". When I say my parents personally would run to the care home I'm just highlighting that they would never hold me back like that.

A grandparent caused my mother utter misery for years for stubbornly staying at home and refusing all care/abusing any care staff who came to her home when a care plan was finally implemented. The stress on the family was beyond ridiculous because of their selfish desire to have everyone constantly running around after them, despite my mother and siblings being of pension age themselves and not fit for it.

My mother swore to me she'd never put me in the same position.

PP needs to look at options. Delaying a relationship and family in your mid 30s because of an elderly relative is shortsighted. The situation needs a workaround.

My DH and I would have said similar things about our relationship pre-kids. We had been together 10 years, studied together, same career, same friends, completely inseparable, no problems.

We now have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Honestly our relationship is much worse. We argue a lot more and don’t have time for each other. It’s nothing to do with loving the kids more, as others have said you just add someone else you love, it’s not a hierarchy. It’s because we are under so much more pressure and absolutely exhausted 100% of the time.

However, I wouldn’t change it. We adore our kids and though things are hard now I have confidence that as the kids get older, sleep better and become more independent we’ll become closer again.

Parenting is really hard, people are less nice when they are stressed and exhausted but if you’re as close as you say you’ll get through it eventually. If you don’t want kids don’t have them but I can honestly say I wouldn’t change anything despite (what I hope is a temporary) deterioration in my relationship with my husband.

Been there with relatives refusing care… but largely the issue was social services assessed them as being capable of living at home, which them made assessing care options impossible.

Some of the care staff are excellent, some can’t make toast and there are frequent changes of staff which contributes to the problems… service isn’t fit for purpose.

What I’m trying to say is as much as your mum is saying she’ll never put you in that position, don’t rely on it because care plans, accessing what you need etc when the time comes can be slow and require a step wise progression.

Even if in a care home family are the main point of contact, will be required if the person is in hospital, will have to purchase clothes toiletries etc, all that, organise appointments, attend medical with them. There’s still a lot of running around even when they’re in a home.

Agree wholeheartedly that PP set up is damaging and needs sorted for long term benefit.

This is definitely something to explore with a therapist as it could be that you do not want to replicate motherhood the way your mum modelled it even though it was not traumatic. It is not just trauma and abuse that can put us off certain things. There are other behaviours that are well-meaning but result in being suffocating, over-protective, etc.
Whether you end up having a kid or not seems to be of lesser importance than resolving this feeling which is obviously troubling you.

@Garmadon

We'd be sorting that privately. Or if my mother has her way "just put a bullet in my head" 😂

Either way I'd be damned if it ever stopped me from having children. Thousands of people deal with elderly/sick relatives while having a family of their own.

@Spudthespanner

😂😂 I think a lot of people feel like your Mum with the thought of getting older.

FYI all our relatives paid privately - there is still a waitlist and people are assessed relative to their needs.

At home we availed of max no of care calls, organised meals on wheels, cleaner, all that. Overnight respite for us was £120 a night….

Unfortunately the issues were not able to be solved with money and we still had so much work to do!! Admin was atrocious.

OP, are you not meeting women who do motherhood differently? Don't your friends or colleagues or sight acquaintances do it differently? It seems a bit odd to only have one model of how to do motherhood, and that being your own mother, when there are as many ways as there are women. If your relationship with your DH is unique to you two, surely it's not that hard to grasp that approaches to other forms of relationship also vary hugely.

I do motherhood entirely differently to my own mother, who was a SAHM, which wasn't a good situation for either her or her children. My work is extremely important to me, and my child is a delightful addition to my life. I'm pretty much the same person as I was before I had him, and while, obviously there are sacrifices in terms of time etc that you make when you have a young child, they're finite.

No they dont.
Thats simply just not true.
Plenty of people are shit parents.

I realise you might not be coming back to this but I've found this thread fascinating and it's lovely to see someone being so open, honest and insightful. And so many people have said such useful things. The most true being that, really, no need to worry about there not being enough love to go round.

I wonder if you're being a bit hard on yourself, imagining you'd be jealous, when most people aren't and you seem well-adjusted. I get the impression that you've worked hard to become who you are, and maybe you don't quite trust yourself to hold up under such pressure and change, but the depth of thought over this suggests you will.

I had a bad childhood and for a long time my main reason for deciding not to have a child was that I didn't think mothers just naturally loved their children and I couldn't put my child through that. I just assumed I wouldn't love my child and so would be a terrible mother.

A few years of psychotherapy later... I can't believe my stupid childhood almost robbed me of having my beautiful little girl! And it was having her that pushed me to realise my dreams in terms of my career and home. And while the first years nearly broke my relationship, that was really due to pre-existing issues and we are now much stronger than I think we could have been without this experience.

It changes your life completely, and many relationships don't survive. But if you feel your relationship is strong enough that the practical aspects of raising a child won't create serious friction, then the only issue really is whether you want one, because you really don't need to worry about rationing out love or, I believe, jealousy. Having a child is inexplicably hard, but also inexplicably wonderful. You can't say this to people irl, but I'll say it here: I think people who are emotionally capable of being parents but decide not to have kids are missing out. Children teach you so much more than you could ever teach them, and there's no way to explain the love.

It sounds like you're a very cautious person who weighs up all the risks, but perhaps not the benefits. As people have said, you want to be with your partner for your whole life. How do you want that to look over the coming decades?

You have time, but I have to say my biggest regret is not having my daughter earlier (I was 34). Admittedly I wasn't emotionally equipped any younger so it wouldn't have been a good idea, but I never imagined I'd want a second and now I'm creeping towards 40 and just starting to try. My body is against me!

The people who have said that the depth of consideration you're going into over this suggests you'll be a good parent are 100% right. You'll be a conscious parent, and you and your partner will work together to make good decisions for your child.

And everyone is right: if you don't want a child, that is absolutely fine. You will have a much easier and more luxurious life! (Apart perhaps from those final years. ☹️)

My only pause in this whole thing, and a few others have touched on it, is whether your caution is partially because there are hidden issues in your relationship - that you feel you can only maintain this level of happiness in a bubble. I think and hope this isn't true.

It does seem that whatever you choose, you will be happy, because you have such a solid relationship.

Good luck! Very much agree with everyone suggesting therapy.

@SpatulaSpatula what a beautiful post. I could've signed under it. Same, had mine late, wish I hadnt and had more. Amazing bond that taught me so much and made us into a family I m blessed with. I'd didn't know what I was missing due to all my fears coming from my childhood. Trying but too late now.

Yes, because mothers and grandmothers are biologically engineered to take care of their young, otherwise no one would like any children, because no one actually likes children.

But at the end of the day the fundamentals of giving up your life are still the same.

hey OP, I signed up just to reply to your post because you sound like me! I’m 31 and my DH is 32 and we are childfree. I’m also an only child but married into a big blended family. I think you sound introspective and cautious, which is something I can identify with, even if some of my reasoning / thought process around having children is different.

I definitely recommend therapy - everyone should go to therapy in my view - to dig into some of your feelings. My mum was a reluctant mum, and she is a good mum, but talking with her about her generational trauma and the sacrifices she had to make has probably influenced my decision as I didn’t want kids from a very young age. I think your fears about a loss of identity are valid and backed up by what people write about here - there are ways to mitigate or manage it but it requires a lot of work.

Your reasoning around your relationship is similar to mine - my husband is the most important relationship in my life and I want the time and emotional energy to dedicate to us as a couple as well as to myself, my friends and family. I do believe love expands or multiplies when folk decide to have DC and that love for a child is unique, I’ve just decided that isn’t something I care to pursue. As someone with a small family before marriage (just my mum and uncle really) chosen family is much more important to me than biological family.

My marriage is fulfilling and fun and part of keeping it that way is not throwing a hand grenade in it willingly! I don’t want to have to reform our relationship out of the wreckage, even if I acknowledge it could be a stronger and equally fulfilling result. I don’t want to be exhausted and resentful, and don’t think the benefits other people get alongside would materialise for me. I’m happy with our challenges being work, medical (my husband has multiple life long conditions, and I have long term MH problems) and in the future bereavement and the unexpected.

One thing that really cemented my view was having an accidental pregnancy last year. I was so scared that The Hormones would make me want to keep the pregnancy and I’d turn into this alter ego of myself, but that didn’t happen thankfully. As soon as I found out I booked an abortion, and my husband was incredibly supportive. Seeing me go through that he booked a vasectomy and now our pregnancy worries are fully behind us, and it gives me a lot of relief. He also wanted me to not have to deal with the contraception burden any longer. This isn’t to say ‘have an accident and you’ll find out how you feel’ but maybe as a hypothetical it would be a good thought exercise. Going through that also made our marriage stronger!

All of this to say I have many other reasons that children aren’t for us, but from what you’re saying it’s a feeling of FOMO, the what ifs and the general external pressure that is making you question your original stance which you agreed before marriage. I’d encourage you to talk it out with a professional and your DH, and never feel bad for thinking deeply and honestly about yourself. More people should! And obviously if you decide to go for it, that’s great too because you’ve really considered all your options.

@Starbite Thank you! Good luck with the trying. 🤞🤞🤞

I think your reasoning is very sensible @VibeCheckForOne . Not that you need my approval. Just saying.

This resonates. I thought I had the unicorn dream relationship but when kids came long he couldn't cope with the upheaval . It turned he needed tonnes of alone time and decompression and fun stuff to be happy and just couldn't cope with the added pressure of children. Things are better now they are older but I had to carry the whole burden for a long time. I don't regret having children because they are the best thing I ever did but the relationship never really recovered tbh. Sorry !

When you think about it and how hard parenting is, it’s amazing how many people do it!

do you people know in advance how hard it will be?

@NotReadyForSlipperz

could you not keep doing fun stuff? Was it lack of babysitters?