I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

I don’t believe she commented either way, so (to me) it follows that she is not particularly fond of them. Otherwise, it would likely be ‘i love kids, but I don’t want to ruin my relationship so i don’t know if i should have them’. But, I may be wrong. 😁

Also someone being a good partner doesn't necessarily mean they'll be a good parent. Those are two completely different relationships. There are plenty of threads on MN by women who didn't realise their lovely husbands would be completely shit fathers.

That's true. I guess if a person is totally satisfied with the status quo they shouldn't look to change.

Asking the Q on mumsnet though suggests the OP isn't 100pc certain.

I completely agree with this

I think this is true that love isn’t limited per se, but, just giving a totally honest answer, your time and energy is. Children do change the dynamic of a relationship and I think you are astute to realise this in advance.

Many people think only in terms of booties and baby cashmere and toddler football club and other cute aspects . But there are broken nights ( which make you crabby) and sometimes health worries with the baby/ child. Children consume time, energy and finances.

I don’t know anyone who regrets having dcs - DH and I certainly don’t- but the truth is it is easier to spend quality time together at upmarket candlelit restaurants than it is at pizza express with a toddler chucking dough balls and knocking over their juice with their elbow and a crying baby who needs to go home to bed. And you won’t have time for DH’s back rub when you have a tearful six year who needs a bath, hasn’t finished making their Viking longboat project due in the morning, has got superglue on their fingers and it’s ten minutes to bedtime.

It’s pointless pretending they don’t intrude on your marriage. Yes, they bring love and joy with them, and bond you in different ways; but it’s not uncommon for the romance to diminish for a decade or so … I’d only ever suggest dcs to people who are really driven to have them. We love ours to bits and were both keen to be parents so for us it’s been a fulfilling facet of our relationship. But we don’t go to movies/ have romantic holidays etc the way we used to. We do have Dcs who vomit on long car trips, scream with earache when the plane is landing and are just generally quite cute ( to us!) . Just being honest .🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think 'I don't want anything to change' is a good reason to make any decision - change is inevitable and trying to hold things still is a recipe for disappointment. Child-free lives are no more set in aspic than those of people with children. But I do think that 'I don't really really want to' is a complete and perfect reason to not have children.

We've been programmed to think we have to procreate. We don't and you are right to think about your concerns. It's a life long commitment, exhausting and wonderful. However more people should think carefully about such a commitment. Also no one ever talks about the possibility of having a child with disabilities/learning need etc. We all think we are going to have perfect babies. The reality is we don't and that puts an entirely different pressure on a relationship. You could discuss, with a therapist your worries. It's good you are open about them. Most of us muddle through it anyway through joyous and challenging times. And their ain't no blueprint!

The worst thing you could do is deliberately have a baby that you know there’s a solid chance you’d resent. Especially an only child.

You don’t NEED to have a baby. The human race will be fine if you don’t.

Don’t make another human pay the price, possibly long after you’re dead, for you not being brave enough to stay child free.

I honestly think that if you have doubts and your heart isn’t in it, then don’t have one. You could change your mind in a year, two years, ten years or not at all, but imo you need to want one 100%. It’s such a huge commitment, that anything less would be wrong.

Yes I would say don't have one unless you want one. I'm an only child, with a brilliant relationship with my partner, but I've never felt the way you describe. It sounds like you'll be happy as just the two of you and that's okay.

I think this is a more succinct version of my thoughts above!

Don't do it. You sound insufferable. Don't bring an innocent life in to that.

"The children of lovers are orphans"

I haven't read the whole thread so this quote may have been posted.
It's worth thinking about. Children have to be your priority always whilst they are very young.

Fascinated by the way OP thinks! I am an only child and I always wanted to be part of a bigger family and also have my own family. Luckily I married someone with loads of siblings and went on to have twins! I didn't like being an only. I felt either lonely or the constant sense of expectation on me. To be honest if there is any room for debate don't have a baby!
People don't possess a limit to love and how much they can love others.That would be bizarre. There is room for everyone including children, but only if you want to have one.

@terfinthewild

does she? Why? Because she’s a woman who dares to be in touch with herself and her own wants needs and desires? And who is considering thoroughly the many disadvantages of parenthood as well as the advantages before coming to a decision? What exactly is your problem with her?

I really like how emotionally intelligent you are and thoughtful over figuring out the right choice for you both over the upsides and downsides. You've written about real realities and thoughts over it all and I hear you. For me, I always knew I didn't really have the drive in me or interest to have children so I'm childfree at 51. I think over relationships each layer you add to it, is another dynamic to it. So the living together layer, the having kids layer. Or blended families layer. I would say never feel pressured to have kids because society keeps telling us we should! If you feel that drive then I guess it's there or not there. Or your partner does. It was never there for me but if your partner does feel it then maybe that's the first real hurdle you both have to navigate? Could he live without kids? If he thinks he wants kids, will he step up and share the care/needs of kids? It seems many men over feminism expect equal breadwinner females whilst not really understanding what the role means for them over "another layer" and sharing the load. Or if you think you really want kids soon or could do, maybe discuss thoroughly over what it all means for you both? Best of luck.

@Redmat

eh?? So what should you be like when raising kids?? Flatmates?? No wonder the divorce rates in the UK are so high!

It puts a huge strain on a relationship, at any stage , not just the new born.
You have to be very adaptable as well as flexible, you don't always end up with the child you thought you would have.

Don't have a child unless you both really, really want one.

This is one of the reasons i too, don't want a baby.
It took me til just shy of 31 to meet my partner, who is the only good relationship i've ever had, my previous 2 were both incredibly abusive.
I love the time we spend together (currently 2 days and the overnight per week) and soon hopefully will be splitting half and half between home, and with him in his own place. I want the freedom to do what we want, when we want together, to share experiences and go places where the focus is just on us, enjoying eachother. If we have a baby, our worlds would revolve around them, with "us" falling to the wayside and no freedom or spontaneity.

LuckySantagelo
You are being too literal!
It means that children who have parents totally caught up with one another can feel unloved.

Marriage is hard full stop. You know this already as you have had to do the work to make your relationship the happy one it is. I think those of us with children are too quick to suggest we can't do things anymore because of children, its all still possible it just takes a bit more planning, which you said you have good communication so this should be doable. It sounds like maybe you aren't mentally ready and honestly I wasn't, I had most of the thoughts you have now. 6years on I have an amazing little fusion of my husband and I that makes us laugh every day and gives us memories we never would have had as a two, it's only when you have them that you can't imagine life without them. As for the love, it's not easy to explain but it's like a secret treasure trove that you never knew you had, and the fact that this creation is because of your love for each other still blows my mind every day. I hope you can sort this out op x

This! So many women on here who clearly married sub par men and put their all into their children to ‘feel’ something again.

You spend two nights together a week. It won't be until you're married/fully committed and living together before you can say whether or not you want to have children together.

If you never have a child, you will never experience the absolute love you feel for the child you made or are gifted.

Children change the dynamics of a relationship but they don't subsume it. Your life def revolves around looking after your child but your relationship with your husband, ime, grows it doesn't diminish.

I don't think anyone can tell you how it will be, so make your own mind up. Noone says you must have children. You still have years to think about this, it's not a now or never question right now.

Big hugs x