I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

So I have wanted to be a mother from the time my sister was born (I was two). My first memory is being jealous that my mom got to have a baby and I didn't. So I can't exactly relate to your emotion but I would like to share my experience.

Love is not finite. Time and resources are. So when you enter a partnership, there is less time to devote to other relationships which changes them. You still love those people but spending less time inevitably means a shift in the relationship. This is not what happens in secure relationships when you have a baby. The baby becomes part of the unit, you have less one-on-one time with your partner but not less time in general (if both parties prioritize family time). Often society pushes the mother into a certain role and the father into a separate role but that is not how you have to operate your family. You can parent and nurture the child TOGETHER, you can take on the challenges together and share the joys together. You can continue to operate as a team and raise the child as a team. This is how I run my family, my husband and I have different roles but we approach everything as a team.

I do not love my husband or children more than the other. I love them different. The love emotion you feel for a child is quite unique, something so dependent on you for life and knowledge creates a unique bond. Just as the love emotion you feel for a romantic partner is unique from friends and family. It is hard to describe the difference but one does not take away from the other.

One thing I adore about having children is when I see them imitate my husband's mannerisms and speech. Seeing another mini human copy some of the quirky things that make me adore him so much is incredibly fun. Sometimes when he has to work late or is it with his brother or I just really miss him, I watch my kids for those things and it just makes me feel so lucky that I have this amazing man by my side as an example to these humans I want to raise well. I think that's what people mean when they say it makes you love them more, it's not really more love it just gives another layer to the emotion you feel for your partner. Like when you feel proud of an accomplishment you're partner has at work but deeper because raising the human is a project you are working on together for many years.

There is no right answer and you don't need to decide by 30. If you want to have a baby at 35, great. If you want to adopt a baby at 45, also great. If you want to be child free until the end then great. The two of you can do any of those things and stay a healthy happy couple as long as you prioritize being a team as you meet life's challenges in any setting.

I was with my husband for 7 years before we had children. Both before and after kids we have been a team. We went through many challenges in those 7 years and many more since. I love him so much and we will continue long after the children have grown and flown. Spending 20 years of our lifetime together raising children is one aspect of many to who we are as individuals and a couple.

If I was in a relationship as good as yours, I couldn't understand NOT wanting a child, but each to their own. I don't think you do want children, your husband does. Your relationship might be about to hit a tough period

See I think it’s the exact opposite. Far too many people putting their children first and letting their relationships with the person they literally chose to reproduce with slide to the extent that they divorce. Why should I sacrifice my relationship with the person who makes me happiest in the world for anything? I literally don’t know any parents who prioritise their relationships and ‘force their kids to live with shitty people’. Most of the people I know with kids have done exactly as you preach - put their kids first all their life, lost their identity outside of being a mum, lost the bond with their partner and as a result are divorced. Divorce is also incredibly damaging to a child, so it’s bizarre to me you’re acting like it’s a good option.

Yes of course it’s your fault your children are born, but where did this idea that baby comes first come from? I’m a person too, my husband is a person too? Our relationship existed before our baby came into the world and when our child is grown up and left home, it’ll be my husband I am left with. If I continue to put my child first above my husband, by the time my child is 18 I’ll be left with a stranger whose needs I’ve neglected for nearly two decades. My needs and my husbands needs are just as important as my child’s and that’s a hill I’ll die on. I can still give my child the best life and love to nurture them into the best person they can be without dedicating every ounce of my love and purpose into them.

Have you ever fostered a child before?

Please no one EVER foster a child to see if you want children.

Fostering requires incredible patience and parenting skills ideally already in place.

Fostering is much harder than taking care of children who have not experienced trauma.

Fostering is taking in children with special needs.

There is a reason most people aren't capable.

It's emotionally and physically a lot of work.

Beyond what most parents experience.

I say this as an adoptive mother and former foster/adoptee.

There's no or wrong answer here. Your relationship sounds strong with good communication. You will likely be happy whether you have children or not.

Therapy is a good call to explore some of the reasons you are reluctant and help.yiu be sure in your decision.

A baby really is like throwing a hand grenade in to your marriage. if you have a good partner by your side it can strengthen it. They also grow up and get less needy. That's with a typically developing child. Throw in a child with a disability and there needs may increase as they get older.

It sounds like you've had a stressful time in your 20s. I did too. Death and serious illness of my parents. It was hard, in a completely different way than having children.

I think it's also worth thinking about what happy would look like in 5, 10 or 20 years as that might be different.

Fwiw I have 2 children and I don't think being their mum has replaced me being me, it's added another dimension to me. I can see how this can happen though to people.

I wanted my OH's kids precisely because I was madly in love with him. And in a morbid way if anything happened to him at least I had part of him in the form of our children.

First stop looking and listening to other people who have that type of mindset. Two,will things change in a relationship with a baby?It could,but you guys are in control of how you want the relationship to look.You have to schedule time for you guys to have sit-down conversations.Asking those important questions like,Do you feel neglected? What can we do to ensure are bond is stronger than ever?What times can we ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and the relationship?
But I definitely understand your concern,but seek out people who have the mindset of I will not allow my baby to turn my relationship sour.

If I were you,I wouldn't have a child,your life sounds lovely as it is x

One thing that people rarely mention with having kids is fun. One person said it to me and it really stuck in my head.
Having kids in your life (usually one of your own but could be a niece or nephew or close friend) is really fun. When they are small they are really funny and silly and sweet and as they grown to teens they are funny and interesting. Of course there are trials along the way but you wouldn't swap back.
For those in a mostly happy relationship with a good person (sounds like you have this) one of the things they love about their partner is how much they also love their child. It's like a secret shared project. Rationally you know your child is not necessarily better than other people's, but the fact that you both really think your kid is fab is very bonding.

I loved my wife at first sight. We got married very young and not long after meeting each other. We had our first child a girl the year after we married. We ended up bringing up 5 children together. They never stopped us loving each other and we can not imagine life without sharing it with our children. Now they are all married with children of their own. We have been married 56 years we have 9 grandkids and 10 great grandkids with two more on the way. Who will you have if you both survive that long in 56 years time ? Kids keep you happy and together through the good times and the bad .

If you have a child your life gets bigger and more interesting. Your husband is right and love can expand to cover you all.
It brought me and my husband more together and gave us a shared 'battle' to fight for and it made us very happy.

This is such an interesting post. I think it's great that you and your DH have found something so special. There have been lots of comments about 'don't have one unless you really want one' but on the other hand is anyone ever really 100% without doubt? Some of the best mums I know didn't plan to have a baby. Humans by our very nature are designed to recreate, it is the literal point of us, but the world is becoming over populated so if you'd rather not have a baby and enjoy your life, do just that. Or decide in 1 year. Or 2. Or 5.
I am a mum of 2 boys and the love I have for their dad did not decrease. It expanded. There is honestly nothing better than cuddling up to a tiny human who is exactly half you and half your soul mate. When you and your DH are gone, there will be this long long line of people that will come after you, all only made possible because you 2 had a child. I've always found that incredible and crazy. Like, our child, and their children will be what we leave in the world.
Also, I'd push my partner in front of a bus to save my child but what's great about that is that I know he would want me to. I hope it all works out for you both.

They are only fun if you want them, and if you enjoy kids. Quite a few people don’t, and find their behavior and noise irritating. And it is true when people say ‘it’s different when you have your own’, because then you are stuck and cannot just hand them back to their parents.

Fantastic post 👏 👏👏👏👏

how could anyone argue with this ?!

would love to hear!

Absolutely that's true. But in the context of the OP the reasons for not having them wasn't that she didn't really like kids (unless I missed a bit) more that the nature of her relationships would change for the worse.

If I was in a relationship as good as yours, I couldn't understand NOT wanting a child,

That doesn't necessarily follow if you don't actually want children.

Having kids in your life (usually one of your own but could be a niece or nephew or close friend) is really fun.

Only if you like spending time with kids, surely? Lots of people don't.

I have absolutely no interest in spending time with anyone else's babies or children, let alone having any of my own.

I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me

I can't fathom this.

When I was younger, I didn't want children (and don't have them now for other reasons), didn't feel maternal like some women, but I can't imagine hating the idea that my husband would put the child ahead of me.

If you don't even have this altruism towards what might be your own child, then I don't think having a child is for you. It comes across like you are very used to be being the centre of attention and don't like sharing.

@Calllalllama

i guess not everyone feels they need a “battle” to fight. Some people are just happy to live their life 🤷‍♀️they feel like they have enough work and hard things in their life, why introduce a whole extra level of it?

When I was younger, I didn't want children (and don't have them now for other reasons), didn't feel maternal like some women, but I can't imagine hating the idea that my husband would put the child ahead of me.

Tbf if the OP did have an actual child she probably wouldn't feel like that. She's picturing a stranger that doesn't exist right now.

OP I'm a qualified counsellor and what I can say is that you need person centred therapy. You can't get the answer you need here because there is something deeper going on and only you have the answer within you. Person centred counselling asks you the right questions that allows you to hear yourself and discover where your fears are rooted. Once you unravel that, you can begin to rationalise and confidently make your decisions.

If there is one gift you ever give yourself, go on the BACP website and book a person centred counsellor. Trust me.

It feels like a load of talking and a bit pointless. Then at some point, you suddenly go home and weird realisations come to you randomly. It's like you're a jigsaw and the pieces begin to slot together for the first time.

Good luck on your journey and I hope you will continue to be very happy.

According to most of the threads on here, having a child makes your life infinitely more expensive and stressful.

I have no idea why anyone would do that to themselves.

Of course, and if that's the case, a person definitely shouldn't have them or be persuaded to but I didn't read that the OP didn't like kids at all more that she was worried about how it would change her other relationships.

I think if you had a baby and things changed too much - then you'd resent the child and this would create a very difficult environment for the child to grow up in to be well adjusted.

My advice would be to don't have a child as its a challenge to far for your relationship

I mean, that's one of the reasons I don't have children. Because I love my life the way it is and I know having children would mean I never get my current life back again.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having children for that reason.