I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

Honestly, there's no rush if you're unsure. I know a few happily married couples that decided not to have children and are having amazing lives!

The freedom to just get up and go!

Children are not the 'next logical step' in a relationship. We're not living in the 50's where it was expected.

OP- if you do decide in the future please think about some sort of therapy about not wanting your husband/mum loving the baby more. Babies are adorable, cuddly and do get all the attention and people get excited whenever they do something new. It does feel like you're just a mother at the very beginning. All parents have concerns about having a child but your concerns do sound like there's a risk you won't cope with the 24/7 demands of a baby

On the other side your child has unconditional love for you, they love you more than anything and you are their whole world!

I'm not trying to paint children as negative but OP has voiced her very valid concerns and needs realistic answers.

Just because you give birth doesn’t mean you immediately have to put your child first

err yes it does. My child didn’t ask to be born - H and I made the choice to have a child therefore we made the decision to put the child before anyone/anything else including ourselves. Perhaps if more parents felt like this we’d have less children who grow up into adults needing therapy.

my child DOES come before my marriage. My husband is the love of my life, we have a very happy marriage however I would choose my child (for whatever reason) over my marriage in a second.

putting your children first doesn’t mean you stop making the effort in your relationship. Believe it or not you can actually do both. Watching H become a father has only made me love him more because it highlights his qualities, I love how he dotes on our child and how our child is his number 1 priority, because if it wasn’t like then I would never consider having anymore children with him in the future. Because not making your child a priority is selfish and weird to me.

when a man prioritises his children it’s a good sign of who he is as a person. How many threads on here from women complaining how their husbands stay out all the time, go out every weekend, spend all their free time with their friends when she’s sat at home doing all the childcare?

I'm making the point that dropping everything and running isn't something you can do with kids. Neither is it something most people can do hundreds of times without other consequences.

I was in the same mind set as you for many years. I didn't think I'd make a good mum or be able to cope with lots of aspects of it. I dismissed the idea until one day I woke up after having a dream and realised I did want to be a mum. I always knew it wouldn't be easy for me to have a baby so perhaps that put me off too. Long story short, I managed to become a mum just in the nick of time. The love you have for your child is totally different to any other type of love. It's the most amazing feeling and the best decision I've made. You're still young but don't leave it too late just in case. It's fine not to have children. It sounds like you have a small nagging doubt whether you want children or not. I was the same. You'll make the decision together and whatever you decide, it will be the best for you both. I wish you all the best.

OP: I don't want to have a baby. I can't think of a single positive. I am blissfully happy as I am.

Nearly all posters: Yes, you are right. Don't have a baby.You don't have to.

OP: But I tell you, I don't want a baby! Stop making me.

Sorry if that sounds mean. But is that an accurate summary of 19 pages?

OP you seem determined to prove that you already have experiences in your life that are equivalent to being a parent. They are not.

This is not the same as saying you don't know what it feels like to love or you've never felt the pain of a loved one hurting. But you don't know those feelings for your own child. They are unimaginably different.

Nothing will show you what it's like to love a child, to love your husband in relation to loving a child, to see the love your parents now have for your child as their grandchild, except... having a child.

You do not want your husband or mother loving anyone more than you. You do not have the maturity to have a child.

Don’t do it if you have the slightest bit of doubt. Friends of ours were like you had a baby and are now so unhappy and resent each other

Too many parents prioritise their kids over their own relationship and happiness and that’s why the rate of divorce is so high.

Better divorced than in a marriage that's not compatible with the children's best interests. Far too many people prioritise their relationships, force their kids to live with shitty people in shitty situations and then claim "my person is lovely really, you just don't understand". The children in these situations rarely grow up to respect or appreciate what they were forced to live with.

Just because you give birth doesn’t mean you immediately have to put your child first.

Bollocks. Of course you put your child first. It's your fault they're here.

This seems true in my view.

Often pre-children the man likes the IDEA of little heirs, or mini-hims passing the genes down.

They like the idea of a picture-perfect family, playing football with his popular strong son, adoring pretty daughter, Mum at home making cakes, plenty money - that kind of thing.

The actual life disruption and day-to-day things...all on the woman.

Plus when a lot of people visualise a child, they're confident their child will be NT, mainstream....children can have health issues and/or SEN. Life isn't how they expect.

And then the woman will take on the bulk of this too.

(family I know- Man wanted children, mum less certain but went along with it.

Plenty of money, good jobs, nice middle class lifestyle.

Son was ND, dad has left due to arguments/can't cope with ND son/ok with other NT child.

Woman left with prime carer role for ND son who is fairly difficult now coming into teenage years. She obviously is doing her best but things look pretty hard for her).

I mean, would you rather have a child with someone you didn't love or weren't that happy with?

Seems like you have the perfect foundations to have a child (if you want one)

I think if you have such a great relationship then having a child will bring you closer. You state that you have shared many events (good and bad) this will be no different.

Where have I done that? If I have I apologise, that’s not what I’ve meant at all and certainly not what I feel. I’ve discussed experiences I’ve been through in the last 10 years that have led to a lot of growth for me and also things that my husband and I have gone through together in response to other posters questions or comments. I don’t think anything I’ve gone through equates to parenthood in the slightest. Nothing does! Hence my post.

Haven’t RTFT, just the OP’s posts. My advice is that you should stay childfree, because both of you should want to have a child, and I’m not getting that feeling from you.

My background is somewhat similar to yours in that I’m an only child and also lost a parent (Mum) in my 20’s. Sharing love with a child was never a consideration for me, I instinctively knew that DH and I would adapt and there’d be enough love to go around, iyswim. I think I felt that way because I wanted children-whereas I don’t think that you really do right now.

You might change in a few years, of course, but don’t feel pressurized because friends are having children now, for example. You do you. 💐

Once again, thank you so much for all your advice and comments everyone. I have so much food for thought. I’m arriving at my destination for a trip away with some girlfriends now - despite my enmeshed relationship! - so I probably won’t reply again (or I may come back in a few days!) Again, I really appreciate everyone’s advice and candour. Thank you.

I think when you have a child your life stops belonging to you and it’s about the children and becoming someone different of who you are.

You will lose yourself and certainly won’t have that dynamic in which you are the centre of your husband’s universe.

I would not have a child as it won’t be about you anymore but it depends on the reasons your husband has too.

Every relationship has ups and downs, regardless of children. Yes, babies can be stressful but it's also amazing and it sounds like you've been through a lot together so there's no need to worry that a few months of crappy sleep could rock you.

Also, I agree that the love for a child is completely different. Right now you can't imagine loving anyone more than him. I remember a colleague saying to me that you don't know love until you have a baby and I genuinely thought it was the most patronising thing to say. I fully scoffed. Then we had a baby and I totally see her point. A little person that's both you and him is an absolute blessing.

Being a happy couple is wonderful but, should you so wish, being a happy family is, too.

I feel really sorry for your marriage and your sense of self! How boring to be a mother above everything else. Yikes your poor partner.

You literally said it yourself - ‘you can do both’. You can love your child and partner equally without placing one above the other. It’s so patronising telling women they’re selfish and weird because they don’t view their child as the golden one, placed above everything else. Just because YOU chose to diminish your identity and your love for your husband doesn’t mean women who refuse to do the same are selfish and weird.

Very complex and interesting thread here. OP, of course I can't tell you what to do. I'm a feminist and feel strongly that only women who want children should have them, not for someone else. But I appreciate how you're analyzing it and asking for advice.

Personally, having my 2DD has been the greatest joy of my life. They are a teen and adult now and my DH and I love them more than we love each other, and DH and I have always and still are very much in love. But, we put them first and we love how our family, especially DGP, love them so much. So, I have pause on your fears of having these key people in your life loving your DC more than you. Maybe you'll get over it, but it's massively unfair to a child if you can't. And they will know if you can't. I don't think you're an awful person, rather very self-aware, so consider very carefully how to proceed.

This struck me as your answer:

If I was single I know I wouldn’t be thinking about this at all

I was single until mid-30s when I met DH and then had our DD1, followed by DD2. Before I met him, I wanted kids. If I'd never met him, I'd have found a way to have children, I have no doubts. Either single, co-parenting, someone other husband, or adoption. I didn't marry DH because he said yes to kids (we had an unplanned pregnancy w/ DD1, actually), I married him because I was deeply in love with him, but no way in hell would I have missed out on motherhood.

I'm just not convinced you want to be a mother, though you seem like someone who will do your best to be a good mother if you decide to.

You don't seem to have much desire to be a mother so maybe just don't?

And I also strongly disagree with the sentiment that there would be less people in therapy if their parents had put them first. I for one think there would be less entitled children running riot in restaurants and supermarkets if parents taught their children that they aren’t the most important person in the world.

I imagine there would also be a lot less couples in therapy or divorce courts if more couples decided to place the same value on their relationship as they do their child.

I’m so glad I’m not inclined to your way of thinking. I bet you’re insufferable to be around lol!

My husbands parents were like this so completely and totally in love with each other and my husband grew up saying it was lovely seeing them so happy they were constantly full of smiles and just completely and totally besotted with each other and every evening they danced to records but him and his sibling were never shown any love or affection - their love was only for each other. He has no memory of ever having spent any time with either of his parents but didn't really know this wasn't normal. As he grew up he realised he wasn't allowed anytime with his dad without his mum, his mum was very possessive of him and when he died she was very cross about how upset DH and his sibling were because the love she shared with him was far more than they love they had because a love of a couple is far stronger than that of a parent and child. I disagree.

Fast forward to our relationship and he thinks I put the kids before him and wants this relationship with me that his parents had. He thinks the kids should be sent upstairs at 6pm like he was - he says he would do anything to have the love like his parents had. It is a constant bone of contention between us.

I think in most couples the dynamics of a couple changes dramatically when a baby comes along but in his parents situation it didn't but I don't think it did him or his sibling any favours - I find him very needy sometimes but he says he just wants to feel loved and I am always so busy with the kids he doesn't get this. His mum had no time for him and his sibling because everything went into loving and spending every spare moment that she could with her husband at the detriment to her children.

If you don’t want to have a child, don’t have a child. Yes, having a child absolutely changes the dynamic, you will never be the same and your life most likely to be harder. And I’m saying it as a person whose children do not need additional support. I work with the children and can see so many committed parents and if you’re not ready for it, so be it. I personally would never regret having my children, it was the only decision I will never regret in my life.

We had our first child really early into our marriage and as soon as he was born our relationship changed. It's still wonderful (and the joy of raising our kids together outweighs any negatives) but it's not the same as it was.

Edit to add, having my babies is the best thing I have ever done and brings me endless happiness and fulfillment

I think having a baby is one of those things that, when you're in a very happy and settled relationship and have a settled life and all the basics, you shouldn't try and overthink. I think most couples are scared of what will happen to their relationship once they bring the stress and sleepless nights of a newborn and then toddler into the mix.

Yes, you may not have as much time to devote soully to each other. But have you thought about the other side of things? That you and your DH can bond even more as a team instead of it driving a wedge between you. There's some comfort when you're going through the bad times of a newborn that your other half knows exactly what you're going through - it's a kind of grim-faced "we're in this together" rolll of the eyes at each other every time the baby starts to get unsettled and one of you has to get out of bed.

There's the bonding over marvelling at this new human you've both made and brought into the world together. There's nothing nicer than seeing your baby's other parent getting as much pleasure as you do out of the most trivial new thing that the baby does, as if the child is the biggest genius that ever was, or most gorgeous child that ever was.

What about when you start seeing physical and character traits in your child that are obviously from their other parent whom you love, and that reminds you instantly of them? And vice versa.

What about the feeling of pride when they're getting older when you both watch them on the stage at school playing their instrument or singing their heart out? You BOTH feel exactly like the other one, and that is completely bonding as a couple. And if they've been taught a specific skill by your other half then that only makes you appreciate your other half more.

Children bring a lot to a relationship, when you have a loving, committed, generous and understanding partner. Yes, there can be awful, stressful periods during parenting. But it's a whole new facet of life opened up to you, to experience together.

I’ll give you the same advice I’d give anyone: don’t have a baby unless you feel like you won’t be happy without one.

You’re clearly not there right now. Maybe you will be in the future (hormones can do that). Maybe you won’t ever feel that way. Maybe… and this is the scary outcome… you might start to feel that way at age 37+ and then struggle to get pregnant. So it’s a good idea to reassess how you feel around, say, 34/35. But right now that’s a way off. You don’t need to really worry about this for a handful of years yet. Go be happy.