I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

@Yourethebeerthief not willing to discuss the NHS stuff, I’m aware it ruffles feathers but as I’ve said upthread I’m in a place where I can use the NHS where I need to but won’t use it where I don’t have to.

I also don’t think that having a child is the possible way you could understand needing to “drop everything and run” and not “thinking for a second about my husband”. I lived in that exact scenario with a parent for two years - I dropped everything and ran hundreds of times, I left my husband for weeks at a time. We supported each other through that. Parenthood isn’t the only reason people go through experiences like this.

I also really refute that having children is a logical next step for people in a loving relationship. As so many people on this thread alone have shown, many people in long and loving marriages never want to have children and have never considered it. It doesn’t make you a more loving couple to have children, and it doesn’t prove your love. Whether we end up having children or not I am certain that we won’t become people who judge others relationship on their childfree status.

You remind me a lot of my sister - she also had your same concerns, also about the change in dynamic, the child getting a better bond with her partner, her being left out, less love for her.

Based on what you’ve said, I would hold off on children for now as it sounds like you’re not emotionally ready yet. Therapy to explore these feelings yes, is a good idea.

I’ve had recently had a child and found there has been nothing like it to test my relationship! (I don’t deal well with sleep deprivation!)

Your baby is literally you and your husband combined! It's the sweetest thing ever, and makes you love eachother so much more imo.

But bear in mind the first year is tough usually - me and DH had a really easy time because our relationship was already so strong, we split everything equally and both got time off.

If your relationship is as strong as you say you'll be absolutely fine - if your DH is selfish then having a baby will make you realise this and make your relationship break down imo.

I’ve heard that first quote before. I read it in a book and discussed it with my husband, who is certainly not the child of lovers. He said he’d rather have been the orphan of lovers than the child of a an abusive marriage and horrendous divorce, so, swings and roundabouts.

If you feel this way OP then definitely don’t have children, it will make you miserable.

I will say though, I love my DH very much and he was my no1 priority before we had DD, couldn’t imagine loving anyone more, now? She is my no1 priority and I will always put her before her Dad, I would die for her, I wouldn’t for my DH, it certainly tested us as a couple who were used to having so much time for each other. My relationship with my parents also changed as their attention is now on DD, as it should be 🙂

@brownbutter I hope you don’t mind me asking, did your sister have children? Or is she still considering?

If you have a partner that will actually help you out with the baby and split things equally, then you'll have an amazing time having a baby. I love it so much :) and expected to hate it/it to test our relationship - but honestly having an equal partner makes it a breeze

I agree entirely with this… I think the underlying issue is that you don’t feel you want a baby but he maybe does…that’s what I get from your post which mentions everything apart from that issue…

Why do you want a child OP? You've listed a lot of negatives and tbh they are mostly true in the beginning at least its hard on a relationship to have a newborn. Dont have a child just because you think you should.

For lots of couples it is not the natural next step to have children. I also don't agree that it makes a bond stronger. It may for some but for a lot it certainly doesn't.

None of my childfree friends are divorced, all on first marriages of at least 26 years and all seem very happy. Friends with children are mostly divorced, some more than once and most say having children was the reason their marriage broke down.

I felt JUST like you, OP. We were and are really in love, a kind of fairy tale. Baby just added to it!

If you're the type of person who drops everything and runs hundreds of times, that screams over reactive and doesn't bode well.

Your comments on the NHS also seem to be very fixed in thinking. None of us know the issue, but the whole NHS can't have been to blame.

The more you post, the less I think you should have a child.

I know where you are coming from. For a woman, unless you have that strong biological urge, mindfully deciding to have a child is deciding that you no longer matter. Everything becomes about "the child" and "the family". And once it is here, there is no going back. It is a huge sacrifice for a woman. A sacrifice that many find worthwhile, but also one that many lie to themselves was worthwhile, and one that many come to realise wasn't necessary because they could have been just as happy living a childfree life.

Men don't seem to experience the same level of change or consequences. Boys are raised to always matter. Girls are raised to only matter until they become mothers.

@Hercisback sorry, but you quite simply don’t know anything about the situation I experienced. I can assure you I wasn’t “over reactive” when being the primary carer for my terminally ill father. I wish that had been the case. No need to comment on things you couldn’t possibly understand from this thread.

Don’t have a baby.

I get your point.

I agree this happens, but it's sad and shouldn't be the case.

You can buck the trend - I had a sexist boss and experienced maternity discrimination while on mat leave. So I left the company, got a huge promotion elsewhere. I genuinely don't feel like my daughter has taken anything away or stopped me doing anything, she's only added to me and my DH's life and bond.

I'm aware not all mums feel like that tho, particularly if they become SAHMs or take a less senior job after having kids and stop doing anything for themselves.

This is such an insightful, well-written post.🙌

I've had terminally ill parents and didn't drop everything and run hundreds of times because I had children.....

The thing is @willyoutakethisrose, neither you nor anyone on here can possibly tell you how life with children will unfold. You just can't know. And that's what you have to get comfortable with - or not.

There are many ways to live and be happy without having kids.

I wouldn’t have a child. You don’t sound mature enough.

Don’t have a baby, it sounds like you and your husband are blissfully happy, having a child could ruin that closeness you have, you are your husbands top priority and he is yours, a baby would completely change the dynamic.

She’s still deciding :)

also I totally get where you’re coming from with the whole identity being a mother. My mum was a SAHM whose entire identity were her kids to the detriment of my parents relationship and also her own self worth. That’s partly why I will go back to work after maternity leave and another reason why I may stop at one child (as I feel it’s more feasible to have a balance of your own identity and time to nurture your relationship with partner)

@Hercisback Genuinely, what point are you making with this comment? I didn’t have children, I was 21, my Dad’s illness wasn’t straightforward. Why on earth does it matter what you did in your specific situation? I wouldn’t make a judgement on someone else’s behaviour during this time, strange that you would.

To me, when you love someone intensely the natural next step is to want to have children together

Only if you want children in the first place. Not wanting them isn't a case of "not met the right man yet".