I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

@willyoutakethisrose I knew two couples absolutely desperate for a baby.
Both split up after the much longed for baby arrived.

Babies and children massively change the dynamic of a relationship

Babies are more of a ''wedge'' than glue if a relationship has any weak points.

Love is not finite- there is plenty to go round, as it expands.

However... It sounds as if you really don't want to have a baby.

My son and his GF don't want children, simply because they too have seen their friend's marriages founder after having children.
Not always, but often enough for it to be a worry.

Oh @Lillers congratulations on your pregnancy and your healthy cat! I welled up reading your post - that was so lovely. Im so glad things have worked out for you, and thank you for sharing your age as well. Hearing stories like yours is helpful. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes really smoothly! xx

I think that the story about dragonflies and their underwater lives would be relevant here… I’m sure you’ve come across it (often connected to grief) where the dragonfly bugs think their friends die when they leave the water and don’t realise that that’s actually the start of their lives… God what a rubbish description of it… but basically what I’m saying is that perhaps this change that you are imagining as a negative thing would just be because you have no frame of reference for it and literally can’t actually fathom how you’d feel. It surprises me that for someone with a positive relationship with your mum you have a negative connotation with being a mum- and I’d definitely explore that in counselling… but honestly I just can’t even try to explain the feeling of having a baby or being a mum… it’s beyond anything else.

You should not feel forced into having a baby and the fact you are considering it so much is great - it’s awful when people jump in without knowing how much it changes everything.

Children - or atleast young children really do change a relationship. You will be tired and overstimulated. You probably really won’t want a cuddle from your husband at the end of the day.

For me, having a child was absolutely the best thing I have ever done. It’s given my life a sense of purpose I didn’t have before and made me strong in ways I didn’t realise. Our child is everything to us and in many ways I love my husband more than before for giving me my child. But yes, I would throw my husband in front a high speed train to protect my child, and him vice versa. 😂

@tkwal thank you for your advice and wishes.

We’ve had conversations about children before, lots of them, both hypothetical and highly practical. We married a few years ago having decided we probably wouldn’t. I’ve reopened this conversation now because I feel unsure.

Just to clarify that I did not advise fostering in order to test the waters. From OP's posts it seems that she wants to have children in her life in some capacity, but not a baby. Fostering is a beautiful thing that allows children to be part of families and to be in a safe space while they wait for their adoption!

Also, getting a dog is nothing like having a child, I know that. But I see it as a stepping stone in terms of going from absolutely no responsibility towards something else, to being totally responsible for some else's wellbeing and life. Dogs are a great addition to families and many child free couples choose to have cats or dogs.

It’s so bizarre here that people keep using the ‘I’d throw my husband off a bridge/in front of a train’ line etc and pushing the idea that their child > their partner. Yet at the same time they preach to OP that love isn’t finite and that it can expand and grow to encompass a child too. Why can’t it grow to encompass a child, AND still value your husband just as much?

These weird hypothetical scenarios about shoving your partner into danger to save your child’s life is literally proving the idea that mumsnet is largely full of nutters.

@fourelementary I’ve never heard the dragonfly analogy before - I love it! It’s beautiful.

The stuff about my mum is interesting - we do have a very good relationship but she was a stay at home mum and her whole identity became being my mum after she had me. I sometimes struggled with that as a judgy teenager and I still have complicated feelings about that as an adult. Whilst I’ve never doubted she loves me and my childhood was genuinely clearly some of the best days of her life, I don’t know if the all-consuming way she did motherhood was good for her. And I guess because that’s the way being a mum was modelled for me, I’m not sure how to do it without giving up so much of yourself, which I don’t think I could do.

Perhaps it is time to start a new conversation with your DH?
You mention wishing your fertile years were over so you didn't have this decision hanging over you.
So why not talk about your DH having a vasectomy? How do you both feel about the idea? Relieved? Sad that the opportunity for children would be over? Are you on the same page as each other?
Good luck with whatever you decide...even if the only decision is to revisit baby feelings together in twelve months to see if either of you feel differently.

Firstly, strangers on the internet can give you “advice” but I can’t honestly see how it’s going to help you because everyone’s experience of marriage and children is personal to themselves. If you’re not sure about having children my advice, and like I said that’s probably worthless, is not to have any.

You sound as though you have an unusual personality from what I’ve read here. I’ve literally never thought anything like you and I’ve never knowingly met anyone else who has. You do seem to lack maturity. Sorry to be blunt. Unless you change a lot during your pregnancy I don’t see how you could put a child first when you seem, through fear? self-obsession? goodness knows what, to be determined to coddle yourself this much.

Sure, the NHS can be crap and I’ve also had traumatic events due to their “care” but, unless you’re a member of the one per cent club, can you be sure you’ll never need to use the NHS again? I’ve used both services extensively and some things can only be done on the NHS, just as some can only be done privately. You do realise that if something goes wrong in a private hospital you’ll most likely be transferred into the care of the NHS? You seem to want to cocoon yourself from the harsh realities of life. Obviously you’ve already experienced some of them and I’m sorry you for you but I think reality would hit you hard if you went ahead and started a family.

I'm sorry, wrong choice of words.
Not British by origin.
Yes, I'm happily child free.
What surprised me was just the casual mentioning of "oh well, I would kill my husband and he agreed to it", basically.
I don't share or understand this "primal"
(as a PP said) feeling about being a mother.

Nobody stays 30 forever , we grow and change and becoming a parent can be part of that . It sounds like you aren’t ready to be a parent and that’s ok .

I love my husband and he’s my best friend . Nothing though prepared me for the love I felt for my first born . It blew me away .

You sound like you have a lovely relationship and having a baby feels like a risk . Life is risky though if you get the most out of it .

At 30 I don’t really think either of you need to rush into this why don’t you carry on as you are and agree to revisit in a couple of years.

You said “Every parent should love their child more than their spouse”?

Go with your gut. If you are in any doubt at all, DON'T DO IT!!! Honestly, I love my kids to the end of the earth and back gain, but it has been one long hard slog, they are now in their 40s: it never ends. I do sometimes wish .....

You're kinda right
No more spontaneity and there are some sleepless nights
First year is tough!
I have a 14 month old baby and things are finally getting easier
Maybe just have 1
I also have a 14 year old
I find it very easy looking after 1
No squabbles, financially easier, you'll always find childcare, well easier anyway
I do actually want more kids
But having raised my first alone for 13 years
It's 💯 manegable
Now 2? Things may get harder for me 😂
But love a big family
I think it's great to have more people to love

If you don’t want one don’t have one.

are you and DH On the same page? Or might he wake up at 45, want a kid and run off with a fertile young thing?

have the honest conversations now. Including with couples who have children, to understand the dynamic.

There is a lack of emotional...literacy? Maturity? in your post. Have you been living in a sort of bubble with your partner and not experienced much outside that? I would do a lot of thinking and exploring your relationship with your own parents maybe before coming to a decision.

Ironically, this might be the issue that splits you up…..

I think unlikely with the way we both feel, unless one of has a huge change of heart, which might happen. We have discussed this extensively pre-marriage for this exact reason. We are still on the same page. I just feel the need to fully explore my own feelings on the matter - I don’t want to cut off an experience out of fear rather than genuinely it’s what I want.

Yes, it might split you up OP. Men run on a different clock to women and there is no end of women who have left it too late to have a child, only for their partner to realise he does want one and leave to find a younger wife and start again. Men have that luxury, women do not. Your early 30s will fly by quickly so you need to get serious.

I agree that you don't display the emotional maturity to deal with a having a child. You have to put your wants second and nothing you've written indicates that you are able to do that.

I also think this hesitation to use the NHS is naive. What about for your child? Have you any idea how often children end up in A&E? Twice in the past 3 weeks alone I have been in A&E with my toddler son. First on oxygen after a viral infection, second on steroids for croup. When you have a child you drop everything and run. In these moments I am not thinking for a second about my husband, not until the dust has settled and we come to each other for support through tough times like that.

A PP said that having children is the next logical step for a couple in a stable loving relationship and she can't understand your way of thinking. I completely agree. No one has to have children if they don't want to, but your reasoning is quite bizarre and I do think you could benefit from therapy whether or not you decide to try for a child.

Love is not finite.

I think you're being very sensible and brave posting your concerns.

Having children puts a huge strain on relationships, there's no denying that, especialy the 1st few years. Some people get through it, others don't. As a couple you really don't know what it will be like until a child enters your life.

You aware of your feelings for your husband and the anxiety/jealousy of your husband and mum loving the baby more. There's the risk that if this were to happen, this may affect the bond with baby and how you respond to your babies needs.

Yes the love you have for children is a different kind of love.....but not everyone feels that bond unfortunately. There are a plenty of women who prioritise themselves or their partners over their child, to the detriment of the child.

Children are wonderful, but they change your life. They arrive and you can't imagine not ever having them, but then you just wish you could just pop to the shop without it taking 30 mins just just to get put out the door.

"the children of lovers are orphans"
"having a child is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage"