I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

Posters saying “there’s nothing like watching them be a good father, it makes you love them more” are kind of confirming my concerns. I just don’t know if I want the main thing I love my husband for to be his ability to be a coparent. That doesn’t feel like valuing him as a full person, more an accessory.

This is a realy weird way to view your husband. As if he's a fixed person and can only ever be what he is now, and you won't love him as he changes, devleops and adopts new roles or experiences.

He will change and develop whether you have children or not.

I presume you love him because he's a a good man? being a father is another way he'd demonstrate what a good man he is. How much he's willing to sacrfice for you and the child you both love.
I can't think of anything less like an 'accessory'.

I think your current attitude to him is more like an accessory.
'Everything is just perfect and centred on me and I want it to always be exactly the same.' Me me my life me. Like you've found the perefc t handbag.

I think whether you have children or not you're in for some hard times, because that is what happens in life. Things change and yu either grow together and more deeply or you decide
it's no longer meeting all your needs excatly as you want and yuo bail.

I think you have some unhelathy and superficial attitueds which are going to bite you one way or another.

Would it be a nervous laugh because that poster had hit the nail on the head? 😳

I do think you're overthinking from some of your posts. Have you had much to do with babies? I know you're an only child, but do you have cousins, friends with babies? We are programmed to love our babies and you won't be any different. You will love your husband the same and feel an extra bond as the father of your child, as he will you, mother of his child. You will share a little person you have created together, you're so lucky to have a great relationship, ideal situation to bring a child into.

Interesting thread.

A few thoughts op... feel free to ignore ... .

It is very natural to be anxious about embarking on parenthood and it is good you are exploring these issues in your own mind before you go ahead. I agree with others that it may be useful for you to see a licensed psychologist to explore these issues.

I agree with your dh that your relationship sounds like the ideal situation in which to raise a child.

I thought differently to you in that I didn't want a child per se, but I very much wanted my husband's children.

Like you, I have a very close relationship with my dh and we've also been through a lot together. We met over forty years ago and have nearly been married thirty years. My husband and I are newly back together again after our two dc have flown the nest. Our love is as strong for one another as it ever was, if not more so, because we have all the shared experiences of child-rearing, and we have a better appreciation of what it takes to love one another through thick and thin.

Forgive me but I don't quite understand why you think there will be not enough love in your relationship with your dh to include you once you have dc? I could be very wrong but that almost sounds like dependency. If anything, having a child will increase your love for one another. Love is a verb though and it doesn't stand still and nor do relationships, they generally move forward and develop whether that is children, or hobbies, or travel or businesses. You can't lock your relationship down as it is now and never expect it to change!

You are absolutely right that parenthood is ten times harder than you ever possibly think it will be and babies and children test adult relationships. You will have less time, you will be dog tired, you will be stressed and frustrated and experience every emotion under the sun, but you will also experience unconditional love, pride and moments of pure joy. You will have disagreements with your dh over certain decisions and you will get on one another's nerves as children tend to widen any cracks in their parent's relations that were already there. Your dc will be extremely lucky though because the best parenting "manual" is example and you will provide them with a terrific model of love and stability, fun and positivity, and all the things that encapsulate a profoundly loving relationship.

This may sound incredibly sexist but if you have a daughter, you may find yourself pushed out of the relationship a little at times. But if your relationship is sound with your dh you will look at the love that your husband and daughter share and smile and be thankful that she gets to experience such a fantastic example of male behaviour.

Finally, at the risk of sounding preachy, it takes courage to love well. Sometimes you have to jump in to the abyss and trust and hope as you will never, ever be 100 per cent certain that your decision is correct and no one can ever 100 per cent describe the experience of parenting to you accurately!

Do not have a child yet. You seem to be emotionally not mature enough. In a few years (and you do have a few years yet) you may feel a desire to have a baby without all this agonising over who loves you the most. Your mum and husband would still love you and the baby too.

I didn’t have a burning need to have a child but when I met the right person I suddenly wanted their babies, no one else has made me feel that way. It only made us stronger really. We are very happy still 30 years later. He is my rock.

This is exactly what would happen.

Your concerns are warranted. Children add a great deal of pressure to the relationship.

Your exact quote was ‘Every parent should love their child more than their spouse’ - strongly implying if you don’t, you’re a lesser parent. Personal insult would imply I knew anything about you to personally attack, I don’t. I’m simply going on what you’ve presented here on this thread and I think it’s a really weird opinion to hold that ‘every’ (your quote) parent should do as you believe.

@willyoutakethisrose

This is the only comment on this thread that has irritated me. I have changed so much between 20 and 30, I don’t think my 20 year old self would recognise me now. There are some things that I’ve gone through in the last decade that have changed me fundamentally, and I’ve also worked really hard to become a happy person who loves her life. You don’t know me from some posts on a Mumsnet thread, and I don’t blame you for making assumptions I suppose, but this is so far from the truth.

I also don’t think or act like a teenager or petulant child. No one in my life would ever say this because it isn’t true. The things I am discussing on this thread are a small part of my life and personality. So please don’t be so patronising when you really have no idea about an internet stranger.

You have not changed enough in terms of being emotionally mature enough to handle having a child. All I have to go on is what you've posted. I don't think you should have children, it would be a disaster for all involved based on the things you have posted. That may be hurtful to hear but everything you write points to this being the case.

I'd save this thread and refer back to it in 2,3,4,5 years time. If you still agree with it, don't have children.

@Artapplicapplications787 your comment about courage and jumping and trusting has made me think about when I first met my husband. I nearly didn’t start a relationship with him because I was so happy in my current life and so sure of the path I was on that I was worried he would disrupt that. In a way he did, but falling in love with him was so much better than I had imagined it really didn’t matter, and the new life I have now is so much lovelier and fuller than 19 year old me could have imagined. If I look at having a child in that way it feels more like something we would do, if it could bring the joy into my life my husband has. And our love has changed and grown so much over the last decade, and risen to challenges I couldn’t have imagined, I suppose why do I feel that this would kill it. Interesting, I’ve never thought about having a child through this particular lens.

Have not rtft but having a baby is like throwing a bomb into your relationship. You will get a shock.

But it passes, things are never the same and I’m not sure from what injury would exclude you from a NHS birth

Youll be glad you did but maybe only once they have left home 🤣🤣🤣

@Spudthespanner I don’t mind you saying you don’t think I’m emotionally mature enough to have a child based on the things I’ve posted about specifically whether I want to have a child. That was why I posted this thread and I am interested in opinions, yours included.

I mind you saying I haven’t changed between the ages of 20 and 30, something that isn’t true and that you can’t possibly know from any of my posts today. That’s just conjecture from nothing and felt patronising.

@Spudthespanner I don’t mind you saying you don’t think I’m emotionally mature enough to have a child based on the things I’ve posted about specifically whether I want to have a child. That was why I posted this thread and I am interested in opinions, yours included.

I mind you saying I haven’t changed between the ages of 20 and 30, something that isn’t true and that you can’t possibly know from any of my posts today. That’s just conjecture from nothing and felt patronising.

Sorry, no idea why that posted twice! Train WiFi!

Kindly, you do sound awfully self centred and unfortunately play into the trope of what only-children can be like. No concept of shared love or larger families. Your whole post is just about your own feelings.

You want your mother and husband to love you above all others. Even your own potential child.

This might all change if you actually have a child, as I hope you can find your heart expands to love another.

At your age you might find your biological clock kicks in in the next couple of years. You don’t sound suited to being a mother m yet, but it might change.

Hey OP I started dating my husband at 20 at uni married and house by 30, but I just felt too young to settle down with kids, I wanted to continue having couples holidays, holidays away with our mutual friends, drinks after work with friends and no real dependents.

We were both on the same page as in we both liked the idea of maybe having a child, but not "now" and if we aged out it wouldn't bother us too much. When we got to 35 we decided we were feeling more ready but it was a case of having a few last hurrahs and preparing for the change in lifestyle so I quit smoking, hit the gym and got in the best shape of my life. By 36 we were ready to properly start trying, it did take us a few months and one early miscarriage but we were very lucky that I had a healthy pregnancy by 37.

I'm 41 now and have a 3 year old, probably one and done but I'm so glad we waited till we were ready. As others have said you don't have finite love, and a mothers love is so different to romantic love. But I will say you have to bloody want it because its hard work and your world completely changes, I was ready for that chapter of my life, if you are still enjoying the stage of your life as it is now I definitely would wait, especially if missing the boat wouldn't destroy you. I love my child more than life itself but if I'd never had DC because I couldn't, I think I would have been content with my life, it was a risk I was willing to take as I just wasn't ready even at 30. (I know that seems unfair to some who were born to be parents and just haven't been able too)

Best of luck OP xx

DH and I are a team. Yes, life is different to before children but it's a good different. I loved my life with him then and I love my life with him now.

He was my teenage crush and I still feel exactly the same about him 27 years later.

I love seeing him with our children and the effort we both put into our life BECAUSE we love each other and love to see each other happy.

We still have our time, even without family around to babysit for us. We just think outside the box and both come up with options we can do. We've done various date nights at home.

We love our time as a family and we love locking the world out when the children are in bed and having our time to talk or play a game, cook a meal etc.
things will evolve again as the children get older and the eldest can babysit for us (big age gap) and that will also be lovely but just because that will be nice, doesn't mean what we have now isn't.

Well, my apologies OP. I meant you have not changed in emotional maturity in this specific context: having a child.

Have a read back of your posts and see if you can understand why it sounds like you are not ready to have a child. Quite simply, you are not able to share your husband's love and do not want anyone to be loved above yourself. Imagine the damage this could do to another little human being.

Don't have a child.

You seem very black and white in your thinking about love. In the Hebrew or possibly Greek language they don't have one word for love but multiple words, ones for a love of friends, god, partner, children. Love just multiplies, I didn't have to love my first child less because I had my second.

Same as we have 2 cats and a dog we didn't have to love ours cats less when the dog came along. And my mum doesn't love me or my siblings less because she has grandchildren. I would suggest therapy as pps have to get to the bottom of this thought process.

Anyway to my main point, me and my lovely SIL both had children within weeks of each other, me and Dh had been together for 9 years, she and her partner had been together less than a year when we found out we were pregnant. I could never work out how they never argued at all with 2 under 2's like never in front of us, me and my DH could occasionally have words in front of family or friends when it just got too much and so did my close friend's so I knew it wasn't just me, she also said they never argued. Anyway 7 years later they divorced and it all came out, the babies put unbelievable pressure on their relationship, but they had no history to fall back on and pull them from the brink like we did and they pretended everything was perfect.

We will be married 18 years this year, can it still be tough at times? 100% especially as I've decided to do a 2 year uni course, we run a business and we have primary aged children, but it temporary. We talk about what we will do when they are old enough to enter the world themselves and become independent, I genuinely love watching them get older and becoming their own person more and more (I might change my mind about this in the teenage years!)

But I would caution only do this if you are certain you want children, you might decide yes or no, what you decide is okay and it's actually rude of people to ask you what your plans are.

To me, when you love someone intensely the natural next step is to want to have children together. I can't really understand you're perspective if I'm honest. It's a completely different kind of love and if anything it makes your bond stronger.

If you don't want child don't have any.

Having our baby has just given me new ways to love my partner, and him me.

@willyoutakethisrose
Reading your post was in some ways like reading some of my own thoughts. My husband and I have the most amazing relationship, and have worked hard to build our lifestyle.
We were both on the fence about having children, but for very different reasons. I was worried about the philosophical, “how can I bring a child into a world that seems to be burning” issues, while dh was worried about the physical disruption to our lives (he loves order and hates mess and unpredictability). We both worried that it would take away the things we loved about the lifestyle we’d worked hard to build.
For me, the deciding factor (and some people will 100% laugh at this) was when we got our cat. He hadn’t really wanted a cat, I did, but he was willing to adopt if the right fit for us came along, and she did. A few weeks after we got her, she was diagnosed with a horrendous illness. It was the first time I saw dh cry. He turned to me and said, through tears, “If she only has a few weeks, we’re giving her the most incredible few weeks a little cat could ever dream of.”
He then spent hours researching potential treatments, and found an intensive, expensive treatment that the vet was willing to supervise (even though the rare condition meant nobody at that vet practice had ever managed to save a cat with it before). But it was very much up to us to actually administer the treatment. For 12 weeks, every day we either gave her the injections, which was awful, but we stuck with it and she recovered. She is now 2 years clear of disease and the happiest little cat you ever could know.
Seeing what an incredible “cat dad” he was, and how we stepped up and worked together, showed us both that we can be good parents. Sometimes I wake up just hearing him chatting away to her and I am just filled with overwhelming love for him.
I’m now just coming up to 12 weeks pregnant. I’ve had a really difficult first trimester and it has absolutely taken a toll on us both - there have been some really hard days. But ultimately the strong base of love and respect we have for each other means that we are in a stronger position to deal with those days.
From what you’ve written, I have no doubt that you could be a fantastic family unit with a strong basis for successfully raising a child. But you have to want it. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to have children if they’re not right for you.
If it’s useful information, I’m 36, and only decided that yes, we wanted to try for children a few months ago. You have time.

Did you get married , move city for career etc without having any discussion about whether, eventually, you would like to have children together ? IME it's a subject that does come up , mostly in a hypothetical way.

On first reading you sound a little immature and insecure. Love doesn't have those kind of limits and it's not a case of favouring child over mother or vice versa. You surely don't believe you'd love your husband less if you had a child ?.

On further consideration though, I would say this, if you have doubts don't go ahead and try for a baby. It's a decision you both should take with absolute confidence so it's not anything to be rushed into. Its not compulsory to have children. You could be one of those couples who are happy to just be themselves and feel complete together. Whatever you decide I wish you both a happy and fulfilled life