I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

My husband and I have a basically similar to yours relationship, I would say we are closer to each other and more content in our marriage than many or even most of our peers, and our five children have not changed that at all. Whomever said they haven’t changed us, they’ve joined us, was spot on. FWIW I am in the camp of prioritizing your spouse/marriage within reason.

Agree

I totally agree with you. There’s some proper loopy women on this thread/Mumsnet in particular who seem to think that you HAVE to love your child more than a partner and gosh we just simply don’t understand the raw, primal love of motherhood. This is exactly why divorce is so high. Because people choose to pump their all into their children and neglect their partners. It’s very possible to adore your partner and child equally, but still keep yourself sane by giving your partner affection and time. A happy mum and dad who are in love and make time for each other = a happy child who grows up with role model parents who adore each other.

I strongly suspect the kids who were raised on pedestals and placed before everyone else grow up to be entitled little darlings who think they always come first.

No one said they have to. I just feel that most would. Love can't be quantified but I'd choose my kids first, last and in between before my husband any day.

I agree as well. My parents have been married for almost 60 years and that’s certainly how our family relationships were. We were dearly loved and valued, but definitely not preferred above the spouse by either parent.

@PrincessZelda89 I am not loopy. I do feel an innate love and protection for my children. I won't apologise for it. I don't criticise those that don't feel the same so don't try and belittle those that are different.

I don’t think I love my children more than my husband, just differently. I chose to spend my life with my husband, he is my favourite person. But if he treated me badly, or did something awful, I would stop loving him.
My love for my children is far more primal and protective, and less conditional. But I think it’s impossible to quantify in terms of ‘more’ or ‘less’ love.

@HungryBeagle that's a better way of putting it. Different rather than more. I'd still choose the kids first. My childhood was neglectful and abusive and didn't have parents but there's no way of knowing how different a parent I would have been had I had a good upbringing. I just know I love my children and have tried my best.

You’re literally repeatedly belittling the women who say they prioritise their relationships over their children. Get off your holier than thou ‘my children are the fruit of my womb and come first in the entire world and if you disagree you’re a shit parent’ soapbox.

You don’t have to justify your reasons. Either you want a kid or you don’t. Either your husband wants them or he doesn’t.

However, if you don’t want them kids and your husband does you need to be prepared for him to end the relationship and find someone who does want kids with him. This might happen at any point in the next 30 years of your relationship. Men obviously don’t have the same time window as women. Biology is a strong force. The same would be true of a woman who wanted kids when her other half didn’t.

I think your missing the point big time of what other posters are saying. It doesn't replace the reason that you love them just expands it even further with more love.

I definitely love my husband more since having children he shows everyday the considerations for me and my well being and that of our children.

You seem quite tunnel vision's it's not an either or scenario for why you love someone.

My parents have been married for almost 65 years and my siblings and I always knew they loved each other more than us. It makes for a very secure upbringing.

Yes same here. I watched both my grandparents and parents navigate life together and I always knew that they adored each other, they were a team and that I didn’t come before their feelings for each other. I also knew that they were always there for me and always had equal time and affection for me when I needed it, but it certainly wasn’t ever at the expense of their own happiness.

Well you don’t just stop loving all the other qualities in them and just go “ahh he’s a great dad. That’s now the only positive quality he has”.

You seem to be worrying that people completely change into “parent” and lose everything else about them. It’s just not true. I value my DH for all the qualities I married him for and I am reminded of these qualities daily by seeing his kindness and patience with the kids and it just reminds me how lucky I am.

I’m assuming your DH is kind to your family? Friends? Watching him do good things for people you care about must strengthen your feelings for him. It’s the same thing watching him with kids.

Yes! Secure is an excellent word for it.

I’ll add that if you don’t want children then you shouldn’t have them. But I do think, OP, working through your feelings on this with a therapist would be helpful before making a final decision.

I had exactly the same concerns as you op. We have two children now. So, for us, having children did change our relationship, but in the end it's been me who has probably changed more. I took to motherhood in a way that I didn't expect and a lot of the intense love that i’d focused on dh pre-children, I redirected to the children once they arrived. I still love my dh and we're veryhappy together, but we're not as ‘loved up’ as we were pre-kids. I confess I give and get a lot of love and affection from the children and as a result probably show dh less as a result. I'm aware of it though and so make an effort to maintain intimacy and time for each other as well. But it's different because before kids, it was effortless, and now it's something I need to be mindful of to maintain.

Sometimes I miss our super loved up years, where we were each other's ‘everything’, but mostly I'm just happy we had such a long time before children and now we're enjoying a different chapter. Not so intensely loved up but with the added love of being a family. Also, the love I have for my children is something special in itself. It's a different type of love to what you have for a spouse, but it's so strong and special. I'm glad I've experienced both.

This is the only comment on this thread that has irritated me. I have changed so much between 20 and 30, I don’t think my 20 year old self would recognise me now. There are some things that I’ve gone through in the last decade that have changed me fundamentally, and I’ve also worked really hard to become a happy person who loves her life. You don’t know me from some posts on a Mumsnet thread, and I don’t blame you for making assumptions I suppose, but this is so far from the truth.

I also don’t think or act like a teenager or petulant child. No one in my life would ever say this because it isn’t true. The things I am discussing on this thread are a small part of my life and personality. So please don’t be so patronising when you really have no idea about an internet stranger.

The most important thing is whether u want to be a mother or not. Nobody can predict how they will feel or what that will mean for their relationship.
My DH and I sound very much like you and ur DH. Difference being we 100% wanted children. Despite how much I wanted a child I never realised how much it would become my everything. She will always be first, not because she’s vulnerable but because she is the best thing I have ever achieved in my life, the one thing I always wanted. My DH and I are happy still, he is my best friend, we laugh every day and I love spending time with him.
Not to be all doom and gloom but nobody knows what the future holds, we were multiple ivf treatments to have her. I could have had post natal depression and not bonded with her, I could have died, my DH could have got fed up with my hormonal outbursts and walked away. That is why a child is something you need to want, they can’t be sent back, they can’t be a regret, by the time they are here it’s too late.

I also don’t understand this trying to quantify it. It’s very immature, it’s not a competition on who you love more. It’s a different love. And as a pp said. Love is not finite for most of us, it’s not a competition.

but my love for my husband is absolutely conditional. If he did something like cheat, I’d end it and meet someone new and start again. He is fundamentally replaceable.

my love for my child is not conditional. There is nothing they can do that would stop me loving them. They are not replaceable.

instinct.

You sound reluctant but you don't say how much your husband wants a child. If it's him putting on the pressure, then maybe hold back. If you are both reluctant then wait. Not to be unkind but you sound a bit needy, would you be able to give love and attention to your child, would he? If you're both so bound up in each other then I think maybe you're not ready until you're a bit more mature, but I'm quite sure that the love would come and would probably bind you closer together. Just throwing thoughts out, good luck.

My immediate thought is if you have a little girl - how are you going to cope with the intense feelings between them? Some girls and their fathers have an extremely close relationship and I’d hate to think you’d be competing against her for your husband’s attention.

I read your thread and, kindly, you sound very focused on you, your idea of you, what everyone thinks of you, without much consideration for anyone else.
There's a lot of introspection and navel gazing going on.

If you want a kid, have one. If you don't, don't.
The level of needyness coming from your posts suggests perhaps don't.

I absolutely am not belittling anyone and I apologise if anyone has felt that. I am just explaining how I feel and have managed to do it in such away without resorting to personal insults.

I think you are absolutely right. Your relationship will never be the same if you have a child. Your life will never be the same. Your husband can't see any problem because, lovely as he is, men tend not to think things through in the same way as women do (in my experience, anyway). If you are not absolutely desperate to have a child, then don't.

Don't do it. Not because you worry about the relationship but you don't actually sound like u want a child.

I've always known I wanted kids. I've always known they wld come before my dh and vice versa. If he didn't love them more than me, I'd be worried. They mean more than anything or anyone in the world. I knew all of it that before we had kids.

It def makes things more challenging. It's tough but if your relationship is so gd then it will likely be fine.

We had been together for 14yrs before we had our first. I found it harder when we had our second though as there is so little time for anything but the kids never mind yourself or your dh.