I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

You're reading too much into it and manipulating comments to fit your narrative. It can add to the love and his qualities, it doesn't take over.

No idea why people are getting deeply enmeshed in mythical bus- train- burning house scenarios when it will most likely never happen. The more likely situation is that your night of hot sex may be interruped by a screaming baby, therefore either/both of you will have to put the baby ahead of your needs ( yes, that's putting the baby first) , and if you don't want to do that, then don't have DC.

But it's not forever. Personally, I am not at all sure romantic love lasts forever for everyone, either.

OP, the more I read the more I think you'd benefit from some therapy.

You are asking where does this all come from... Usually from what you experienced as a /small/ child when your needs were not met. Doesnt necessary mean your mother or parents have done something nasty but there is plenty of situations were parents do their best with the best intentions but it leaves a child feeling neglected or not validated.

Maybe try babysitting a young child of a friend or relative for a few days; have them to stay over for a weekend or more. See if you like or dislike it as a start.

I and my partner decided not to have kids, for many reasons, but including the same as yours (plus lots of other things - wanting to spend time travelling, learning, experiencing, growing our business, not wanting our lives to be discussions about poo and phonics, being able to do what we want on the fly, go out when we want, lie in when we want). We have friends who love being parents and friends who have ended up hating it.

My view is, if it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no. There are too many bad parents out there who absolutely haven't realised what they're getting into or realised too late they don't have the qualities needed.

I admire parents but there's no benefit to upsetting your whole life to parent, especially when you're not overly keen. It's only going to cause resentment.

As others have said love is not finite. The love you have for your parents is different from the love you have for your spouse, which is different for the love you have for your kids, which is different from the love you have for your friends.

But things to consider, who would do the childcare? Who would drop off or pick up from nursery or school? Who would take time off to look after a poorly baby / toddler/ child?
Who would do must of the 'grunt' work?
Do you value your independence and are you prepared for that to be scaled back, ie a nice beach holiday to chill and read and cool off in the pool, will absolutely not happen with a baby or toddler.
Broken nights sleep, when you both have to work the next day can put a serious strain on the best of relationships. You can't suddenly nip out for something, leaving a baby or toddler behind, and you can guarantee just as you head out the door you'll get a filled nappy to deal with.
Trying to do a grocery shop with a reluctant toddler becomes a major operation, and people will delight in telling you, you are getting it wrong, because once you are a parent, it's amazing how many people feel they can interfere!
You know when you see that kid being a pain in the arse in the shop, and you think 'my kid would never do that'? well that's where you'd be wrong! That will be your kid!
Are you on the same page with discipline? Do you hold similar values? Would you go for the quiet life of giving in to a demanding toddler, or would you hold out? And what about your husband, because in my experience it's generally the dad who gives in because it's much easier, but it will make your job much harder.
Do you think there is a risk you could be jealous of the relationship between your husband and a potential child? In which case DO NOT HAVE A KID. My friend's mum was insanely jealous of her daughter and her husband and the damage to my friend has been massive, she is no contact with her mother, but even so the hurt still goes on.
I think there is a huge conspiracy to keep quiet about just how shit hard it is being a parent, or at least a good one. I don't regret or resent having children but it's not something I'd ever encourage anyone to do. It's relentless, it's demanding, it's can be mind numbingly boring and unbelievably stressful all at the sametime. Small children are exhausting and loud, and messy. When teens have issues, they suddenly become much more serious and can have far reaching consequences. If you are lucky you might have between the ages of 6-10, when they are vaguely fun and it's sort of enjoyable, but then the challenges of secondary school hit, and the shit starts again.
I love my kids, but being a parent is without doubt the hardest job I have ever done, and I've done some full on jobs, but I can't think of any other jobs where the working conditions are so extreme.... <narrows eyes at dd who refused to sleep for more than two hours at a time for the best part of two years, and caused permanent tinnitus due to the million decibel screaming>. Or a job that gets so heavily criticised!
Our marriage has survived (just), but in my experience nothing puts a greater pressure on a marriage / partnership than children.

Not sure this is a good plan, I generally dislike spending time with other people’s kids but I love my own. Babysitting is nothing like having your own children.

You have plenty of time to make up your mind, don’t rush into it if you’re not sure.

I have chosen not to have a second child for the exact same reasons, we are simply very happy as a little unit of three - and although people with multiples trot out the ‘the heart expands’ stuff, I just can’t visualise it for myself.

I think @IncompleteSenten put it really well. For me, our relationship certainly wasn't ruined by having children, and we're if anything stronger now than we ever were before. It's a completely different kind of love. Love for your children is so complex - it's incredibly powerful but it's also enmeshed with responsilbility and guilt and need and resentment and this fierce protectiveness. My love for my husband is much simpler - he's a force for good in my life, he's someone I actively want to spend my time with and the only person I want to talk to in a crisis. In twenty years when our children are making their own way in the world, he's the one I look forward to coming home to at the end of the day, and growing old with.

So no regrets here. But, OP, I craved a child before we started our family - it was an aching need in me that felt very innate and primal. I felt very sure that I wouldn't be happy or fulfilled without becoming a parent, because of that deep-seated need. I think if neither you nor your husband feel that ache - and it doesn't sound like you do - you should be very cautious about taking an irreversible step that will make life much more difficult and complicated in the short term at least. You can have a great life without children.

I was extremely anti children. Really didn’t like them. Didn’t want to ruin the fun life or my smokin’ body by having them. Accidentally had one. Then deliberately had another one.

I’m still very much me, I haven’t changed physically or emotionally, I look the same, I speak the same, I have the same ability, just with two little kids now in the family. My husband and I don’t just talk about kids, we still like each other a lot, we still have debate, we still get tanked on wine, we travel, just occasionally with them in tow. They’ve joined us, not changed us.

And my husband loves me just as much, but has a whole new thread of respect for me for enduring appalling pregnancies to bear two children, and all three of us are the apples of his eye.

I think perhaps this is why some people can't visualise mothers as real people - even your opinion here is totally baffling to me. That someone would think this about a mother & their love of their child and partner.
I don't love my husband as an accessory to parenthood!
I loved my husband before he was a father but I love this new element of him as a wonderful father. It's made me love him more, because there is something new about him to love. Something that didn't exist before! I still love him for himself as well!
Fundamentally having a child does change you, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. I am not the same person I was pre baby. But I also wasn't the same person at 28 as I was at 20. Life changed me. Experiences changed me.
My husband and I have changed since we met and married, we have learned to love each version of each other.
Being someone's mother and being yourself are not mutually exclusive. It's not either/or. Just because I am 'childs' mother, doesn't mean that I am not also my own person. I know this is a common refrain though, but I have to admit, I don't share it, as I mentioned above, I always expected to be changed by it.

I’m still very much me, I haven’t changed physically or emotionally, I look the same, I speak the same, I have the same ability, just with two little kids now in the family. My husband and I don’t just talk about kids, we still like each other a lot, we still have debate, we still get tanked on wine, we travel, just occasionally with them in tow. They’ve joined us, not changed us.

This sounds amazing, but I think you're a bit of a unicorn.

When you're through the storm of the early years (I feel I am now with a 5 year old) then you develop this very warm, "wow we survived" feeling for each other in my experience that bonds you in a whole new way. You look back at all that you have dealt with together in the past few years, and the ways you have learned (or been forced to) communicate to get past problems together, and you realise that you have both grown immeasurably as people. The hard days were worth it.

Having a child did lead to some really difficult situations for us as a couple over the years (borne out of extreme tiredness, stress, build up of domestic tasks, recurrent viral illnesses, the need to renovate / move house, perceived imbalance of mental loads etc) but we had to learn to deal with those difficulties in healthy ways. We've both improved our stress management skills by very much supporting each other to have time to pursue our own hobbies / exercise, and by finding a good babysitter who we love to allow us to have dates every month or so. I feel like I am really happy with the balance of my life now and I love my partner more than I did when we first met. Its a different kind of love now. I feel secure in my life in a way I didn't when I had no child. I feel like my DP and my child have my back and will always do, and I have theirs. And as someone else has said upthread, my emotional "base" and sense of home is stronger now.

For all your saying how utterly happy you are, you sound very, very anxious about your relationship and anything that threatens to decentre you in your husband's or even in your mother's eyes -- where is this coming from? You also sound very anxious about anything that threatens to blur your sense of your husband as being important/beloved as an individual, rather than being important/beloved as a co-parent.

This comes up again when you say you don't want to be known as 'X's mum', and that you think mothers have a poor status in our society.

I think you need to get a handle on that worry regardless of whether or not you decide to have a child. It sounds as if you have an insecure sense of self, and feel threatened by being viewed as ' an accessory'.

You've only been together for the ten years between 20 and 30, but there are a lot of potential changes to come which will have an impact in your relationship, even if you decide not to become parents -- it's not a matter of choosing between 'blissful status quo' and 'throwing a baby-shaped hand grenade into the relationship'.

Things will change anyway, in ways good and bad, because that's what happens in relationships.

You haven't stopped changing because you're now 30. I think I changed more between 30 and 50 than between 20 and 30, come to think of it.

(I say this as someone who was with her partner, very happily, and not planning to have a child, for the 20 years between 19 and 39, when we had our son. Yes, it absolutely involved changes in a strong, established and happy relationship -- we had made a person together, and were raising him.)

I think you should also make your peace with potentially regretting it if you choose not to have a child. You might. No one can guarantee you otherwise. But is that the worst thing that could happen? Every choice you make closes off other ones.

This is an interresting thread, as someone who was very ambivalent about having children. My DC are now 11 & 8, and parenthood has been a bit of a rocky ride for me. So I think it's great that you're paying attention to your emotional reponse to the prospect of motherhood.

For me, my ambivalence was a lot to do with unresolved stuff around my own childhood and my sense of self. Some of what you've said in your messages OP sounds familiar (the indecision, the somewhat black-and-white thinking, the quantification of emotion). Whether you decide to embark on parenthood or not, I'd suggest looking into 'schema therapy'. It's really helped me and I wish I'd done it early in my life/ my children's lives. Whatever you decide, good luck! There's really no right or wrong answer...

@willyoutakethisrose IMO, only those who have a strong desire to have a baby should become parents. You haven’t mentioned that you WANT/long for a baby, so why are you considering it? Are other people trying to pressure you? If that is the case, ignore them and continue enjoying a blissful, happy life with your partner.

Or do you have FOMO? If so, if possible ‘borrow’ a baby from a friend or relative for a few days, and then a toddler. Imagine living that way for years and years. That should clarify if parenthood is for you, or not.

Also, yes, societally, women disappear into motherhood (and, eventually, being a grandmother). Just look at news stories, ‘a mum of two’, ‘expectant mum’, or ‘gran of _’. At school, ‘Sally’s/Tommy’s mum’, etc. No way around that.

The love you have for your parents is different from the love you have for your spouse, which is different for the love you have for your kids, which is different from the love you have for your friends.

the thing is the ops love is finite, she says she basically edged out her parents and friends when she fell in love with her husband . And it’s not about her loving a kid. She’s worried she will get less love, be less of a priority if she has one. And that the kid will steal some of that attention from her.

its incredibly warped thinking,and very hard to fathom, I suspect it’s insecurity, jealousy, narcissistic, who knows. but for me, the op needs to seek help as I don’t think she understands fully just how unhealthy this is.

Sharing a child with someone can also be a hugely bonding experience. Only the two of you will feel that way about your child. Having said that , why have one if you’re ambivalent? You would have to embrace a totally new way of life there’s no denying that.

Don't have a child.

Do get therapy.

My view is: if you have any doubts about having a baby, DO NOT have a baby. I was 100% certain I wanted children, and my god it is hard work. My wife and I have been open with each other about how much we both miss our pre-baby lives, and have decided we are definitely not having any more. Overall I don't regret having our baby, but there have been times when I have.

I think you would benefit from therapy.
Sounds like your DH is literally your world. You sound self absorbed and are clearly dependent on him loving you and only you.

Also in for a lifetime of loneliness if her relationship doesn't last.

But why do parents HAVE to love their kids more, that’s my point? What are they losing out on by me loving my husband just as much?

I think wanting to be a mother/parent is different than wanting to be a wife/partner. If that makes sense. It doesn't sound like you want to be a mother, perhaps?

@NotestoSelf

You haven't stopped changing because you're now 30. I think I changed more between 30 and 50 than between 20 and 30, come to think of it.

I think the OP's problem is that she hasn't changed between 20 and 30. In fact she sounds like a love-struck teenager or petulant child, not a mature adult who can understand the nuances of loving a husband, family, children, and not putting herself and her needs above others.

Having a baby will test you in every way possible. It broke me, and I had craved to be a mother for years. If I had felt the way you do, had I not wanted a baby with my entire being, I don't think I would have coped.

There is no return to sender.