I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

“Like heck it does” means “no it doesn’t”

It does not mean “yes, that surprises me a heck of a lot”.

“It’s quite summery today!”
”Like heck it is! I’ve still got my thick coat on”

Similar to “Does he heck as like!” which means “he doesn’t”.

”My son loves school.”

“Does he heck as like! I saw him playing truant down the shopping centre twice last week”.

Before having my first chid I'd didn't really think about it, but once dc was born I ws overwhelmed at how much love I had - I hadn't realised that I had so much capacity for love. However I did have similar concerns to you when considering dc2: would the love for dc1 have to be reduced? would I retain the love for dc1 and not be able to love dc2 as much. hence a 5 year gap between dc.

What I found was (as a pp wrote) the amount of LOVE I had was infinite. But, the amount of TIME (and attention) I had was not. My time, and dh's time could not expand. I could love both dc, but time spent with one was at the expense of time spend with the other, and time spent with either was often at the expenes of time spent with my dh. Of course we had wonderful family times when we were all together, but the reality was that time spent in the middle of the night nursing a baby meant I had less energy/time/attention to give to others in the family early the following morning.

Time keeping a toddler entertained and safe on a picnic meant less time totally engaged with dh - both of us enjoying nature together. Time spent doing children's laundry, making packed lunches for school, organising childcare etc. resulted in less time in the evening for dh and I to talk about work/our day/our pressures/our plans - and less time to really listen to each other. With the exception of communicating about the family, our connection felt much less strong and stable.

Hello

From your posts I wonder if you might think more deeply and analytically than most people.

From my perspective the reality is that in some cultures and some families women are just seen as a means to an end, a vessel for kids etc. It's very common. Many relationships would not exist if the arrangement wasn't that the woman would have the children for the man. I actually think a relationship where two adults are just interested in one another, not each other's reproductive capability is incredibly special (and I say this as someone TTC).

Also this idea that many people would die for their children. It doesn't hold true for everyone. Plenty of parents aren't that interested in their kids. I know plenty of disengaged or absent parents. Parents will leave their children for a new romantic relationship sometimes. Some of these things people say about how parents always love their children more than anyone don't reflect the reality of what we see in the world around us. Look at the care system for example.

I think probably you might be questioning the structure of the family unit, questioning whether you could be being used to reproduce (and the reality is that you are risking your life by trying to get pregnant, yet our society just accepts this as normal). My impression is that you think for yourself.

Ignore the people who say your comments are disturbing etc., but by all means go to therapy as that might be a space where you can find the kind of analytical thinking you're hoping for.

I think romantic relationships/marriages vary. I am pretty sure my partner wouldn't be with me if he thought I couldn't give him children. To some extent I am an accessory for him and his family to give them a child and a grandchild, it's true - no point lying to myself about that. A lot of people relate to others in that way - i.e. where does my spouse fit into the family 'system'. Other relationships are not like that, but they are much rarer. It's possible you may have found someone who is more interested in a romantic relationship that in child rearing with you - only you and time will know/tell if that ends up being the case. You may have actually found something special and unique.

Other thoughts - NHS - if you can avoid it for childbirth do. Again this will upset many people. But if you can afford something else, it takes the pressure off the maternity wards and if you are in a private hospital adjacent to an NHS one then you are safe if anything goes badly wrong. Look at the 2023 maternity unit review, two thirds of units are deemed not safe enough. If you have the resources, use them.

These questions about whether you can quantify love. I think possibly you may have a point. I will not pretend I love people in my life to the same extent every month and every year. Sometimes relationships do shift. That is reality and not insecurity. I think if I had a child I may well fall down the priority list of other people close to me, to some degree.

Also, this thing about how much more important children are than spouses. Again, there's a significant percentage of children that become estranged from their parents. Plenty of adult children just tolerate their parents. Some truly are close and love and care. People vary hugely. These are complex issues which people tend to generalise about. It's great that you are thinking deeply about them.

Surely it doesn’t surprise you that other people love their kids though?

You sound too immature for parenthood. Don't have a baby.

DH and I are a bit like you, OP. We have a fantastic life and a fantastic relationship and I can't see how a child would add to it in a positive way.

Everyone I know who has children is constantly run ragged. They have less free time, less money and don't get as much sleep. It just doesn't appeal to me in the slightest, lol.

I wish everyone put as much thought as the OP into whether it would be the right choice for them to have a child and spent as much time really thinking about what it would mean for them if they reproduced and whether they think that life would make them happy.

I know when I was young I had baby fever and it was nothing more than a primal yelling of BABY BABY BABY drowning out all logical thought. Before I knew it I had two under 2. Dumb as fuck and totally unprepared. (Me. Not them. Although babies are not that smart either 😁)

Op, with kindness, I just don’t think you’re in the right place emotionally to have a baby. Having a baby changes so many things-your relationship, friendships-and I don’t think you’re ready for that change. Things don’t necessarily change for the worst but if they do I think you will struggle. You seem to have compartmentalised “love” into different boxes and are worried about how people will love you differently. From what I’ve read, you sound quite insecure and appear to have an unhealthy attachment to your husband.

i just also wanted to pick up on the nhs thing. Although you could have private maternity care have you thought about if your baby needed special care? Or if you needed emergency treatment during pregnancy. Also once the baby is here have you thought about GPs/health visitors or needing to go to a+e with a child? I’m not sure what private options there are for all of those but it’s worth considering beforehand. Some maternity (if you have a problematic pregnancy)or paediatrics (worse case scenario being disability) are very specialised so there just may not be the private services available and you may have to use nhs.

Please don't foster. Children in care are not for practising on!

You actually sound enmeshed.

Very true, it's a pity that more couples don't have these discussions, there might be far fewer unhappy children.

I had many of the same thoughts. My then-DH and I discussed it extensively and decided that having a child should be an active choice and in the end we concluded that it wasn't something we would do.

Not knowing if you want kids? Normal. Not wanting them? Normal.

not wanting them because other people might love them or love them more really is strange. I’d try and unpick this in therapy as it doesn’t sound at all healthy

You sound quite insecure in your relationship to me, for all that you say you're very happy together. I don't think a really solid relationship would feel so very fragile, or that you would feel threatened by the idea that your DH might love the baby more if you were really secure about how he feels about you. Are you generally quite needy?

If you don't want dc, don't have them. It isn't compulsory. However, a happy, healthy relationship shouldn't be a barrier if you actually want them.

Where did I say the parents can't be very much in love while also loving their kids more ?

Gosh, I really can’t say what a lovely message this is. Thank you so much ❤️

It is a different type of love but yes it is stressful and can put a strain on any relationship but if your so in love and perfect then you should work through that and be just as happy in your new norm

The best piece of advice I’ve ever been given is ‘you should only have a baby when having one is the ultimate sacrifice’. Meaning, you should only have a baby when you’re fully aware and accepting that by having one, you’re sacrificing many things and you’re still okay with that and still want to have one. Even knowing you’re sacrificing sleep, adult only holidays/experiences, time with just you and your partner, hobbies, self care etc.

If your answer isn’t ‘yes I’m ready to make all those sacrifices’ then you shouldn’t have a baby. Too many women think having one is the default option, and is the only way to be truly happy. It’s not, I promise you!

@WonderingAboutBabies

If you're not sure, I recommend getting a pet. Honestly. We have a dog and we have to balance its needs between us and it does bring us closer as a family unit. After that, you may feel more towards either side of having a kid or not.

You could also try babysitting for a weekend, or consider working with children/fostering.

Also freeze your eggs so you have options!

This is some of the worst advice I've ever read on Mumsnet. Babysitting or fostering will not give you anywhere near close to a crumb of an idea of motherhood OP, and children in the care system are not there for practice runs. Also, no dog will prepare you for what it's like to become a parent 🙄 The PP who wrote this is in for a real shock when they do have a child.

Also, read up on freezing your eggs. It is not a way to keep your options open and is thrown around as an easy way to delay having a family. Don't bother. It's not helpful. Your fertility will soon start to drop off a cliff so it's good you're thinking about things.

I personally think you sound far too immature to have a family at the moment and I agree with PP who says you sound enmeshed with your husband. I'd keep in the back or your mind that you'll need to start trying within the next 5 years if you're going to be sensible about it. If you still feel the way you do in your OP within 5 years, I'd leave it.

Completely agree.

I find it upsetting that someone would save an adult over a child but there you go.

Im assuming hoping you don’t have kids

I can identify with this @SpringtimeBunny
I assume your children are still small. I have good news. Don't despair, when they are older you get your life back and also will share some activities with them. It's even better than before.
I was very sporty before babies and I was horrified when they were small, couldnt enjoy the baby stage unfortunately. You just don't have any spare time and energy and missed feeling active and being myself.
Now with two teenagers and a 10 year old I have a great time with them and i am realy enjoying this stage with them. They are very sporty and I love bringing them to competitions and matches. I do my sports too. We somtimes go on short adventures at the weekeend. We are planing a long trip this summer all of us, and I am really looking forward to this.
I will happen for you.

If you can feel that you want to create a family. Think about why you think that. I won't give suggestions.

I’m glad you’re thinking this through so carefully OP, it’s very sensible.

Nothing you’ve said makes me think you actually want children, beyond seeing other women announce pregnancies etc. Who cares what other people do? You married having agreed not to have children, nothing’s changed.

i never wanted children, they just kind of happened when I was distracted by my career! They were so much fun though, H and I had a ball with them when they were young, and we both kept our careers. It was bereavement, illness and the teenage years that did for our relationship sadlly, though we’re still friends. But much more importantly I now have the love of three adult DC and their amazing partners , who help me stay young and vibrant while XH and nearly all the men I know of his age have become grumpy old men.

What I’m saying is, I’m so glad I didn’t put all my eggs in the husband basket! People change.

This is such a weird and patronising message to post, I’m sorry.

I don’t buy into the whole ‘my child comes first’ before my relationship agenda. By placing the utmost value on your relationship with your partner, you’re ensuring that you’re the happiest and best person possible to raise a happy and healthy child, in a happy and healthy home, parented by happy and healthy parents. It’s so weird to tell someone they need therapy because they’re worried their partner might prioritise their child over them.

Too many parents prioritise their kids over their own relationship and happiness and that’s why the rate of divorce is so high. It’s possible to dedicate love and affection to both your child and partner equally. Just because you give birth doesn’t mean you immediately have to put your child first.