I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

From the sounds of it, you just don't want one, so I wouldn't.

Children add to your life, but they also take away. It's rewarding but extremely trying. You really have to want them. It sounds like you don't. If your husband is fine either way, stay as you are.

This

My first dh did die. Yes I was devastated and whole world collapsed and heart shattered into a million pieces

But I wasn't a mummy

Now I am

If my child dies I would be more distraught

It really is a different love and obv I don't want my 2nd dh to die but given a choice I would choose my child to live

As they are younger and have their life to ljve plus I would die myself to protect my child

How on earth could loving the way your partner is a caring father be viewing them as an accessory?!
We loved them as a full person before kids and we love them as a full person after kids. But seeing them care for and love the children you made together is a special bond that couples without children do not have.

@willyoutakethisrose One thing I will say is that absolutely nothing can prepare you for how much it changes your life. I thought I knew or at least had an idea as all my friends had DC etc. Nope! It changes everything.
I'm not trying to put you off or anything but I'd be remiss to not tell you how much life changed for me. I used to be a giant geek. Planespotter, amateur photographer and urban explorer (abandoned places etc) and loved going to car shows, air shows, which yes you can attend those with kids but I'd be there photographing everything. I also taught Cadets in my spare time and was always disappearing off down south or up north on expeditions, exploring places.
Whilst having DC is without a doubt the best thing that's ever happended to me, I also lost the ability to be able to do any of the above. Some parents may still be able to do it but for a number of circumstantial reasons related to having DC, I definitely can’t anytime soon. Bar perhaps the odd bit of plane spotting for a few mins at the airport until DC get bored.
Absolutely everything changes, including your relationship. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. It's a gamble

But him being a good father IS part of who he is as a whole person. You don’t just get a separate identity as mum or dad when you become a parent. All the things that make him a good partner- he’s funny, caring, nurturing, chilled- make him a good dad too. And watching those qualities in another context is lovely.

I think you've answered your own question in your title and in the post "We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby."

A baby is not something you have to try to work out if you want one. It's a biological need.

If you're not feeling that need and you have concerns about finding it difficult to share then really having a baby will not be for you.

Don't bring another human into the world if you are not willing to put them first.

It's not compulsory to have a baby.

Why would it become the main thing you love him for? He wouldn’t lose all of his other qualities (hopefully). It would be an additional thing to love him for. But I guess if you think love is finite, you probably think you couldn’t love him any more?

Totally agree @claudiawinklemansfringetrimmer

People say there’s no right time but I personally feel you either know if you want a family deep down or you don’t. If part of you does have that desire though, I wouldn’t let the fear of what it might do to your relationship stop you. My marriage was certainly tested but now it’s better than ever and DS is only 1.

@willyoutakethisrose but my husband was a full person before he was a father and he's a full person now.

I love every part of him. Seeing the new "father" part of him added more love, appreciation and knowledge of that different aspect of him that he'd never lived before.

I think regardless of whether you end up having children or not (more so if you do!), I think the number one thing you need to do is book into therapy. Your way of thinking is not normal or healthy.

I would be heartbroken if I thought my husband loved our children less than he loved me. I adore my husband, he is the love of my life and best friend, he makes me laugh more than anybody else and I absolutely never want to be without him however the love for my children comes first. As it should.

having a child changes you. You will become a whole different person if you decide to have a baby, your mindset changes and it comes so naturally. However I personally don’t think you are ready for a child. Maybe in the future, perhaps if you get therapy. who knows? But you absolutely should not have a baby with the mindset of worrying that your husband will love the baby more than you. That’s absurd.

many other things in life could happen which don’t involve children which would mean “sharing” your husband. More hours at work, a new job, he may take up a new hobby, new friendships etc. heck he could have an affair! Regardless of what you say it certainly seems like you are very dependant on him.

I love my kids but don't do it if you've doubts, there's no requirement to be a parent. It's not for everyone! Enjoy your life as is, if that's what you want and agree on.

There is a lot of pressure to have children ,however unless you or your DH desperately want a child ,best not to have one .At 31 you have a little while to really work things out .Dont panic and enjoy your RL you sound very happy

I have 3 children: two teenagers and a 10 year old. You can be perfectly happy without children, and there is nothing wrong with it.
After reading your post I think if I was you I would follow your instinct and would not have any babies.

Being really honest, babies are very hard work. Your relationship will suffer. Your love expands that's very true, but you need to be prepared for a misile hitting your house. Because that's what it is when they are small. You really need to be prepared and accept that fact. If you don't want to compromise, there is no point to bring another human being into this world.

Just as an aside if you were my daughter or friend I would be a bit concern in the way you describe your relationship. It's great to feel so good with someone but please find your own friends, your own hobbies/ interests and job. You need to have your own life. Things sometimes change, evolve. It's important not to lose yourself. Best of luck.

Edit to amend typos

You could have been describing my marriage. We are both early 30s, together since we were teens, married in our very early 20s. Crazily in love and felt utterly complete without a child. Also an only child here too.

Then I turned 30 and the clock buzzed, and buzzed LOUDLY, for both of us. I was suddenly desperate to be a mum and now, 2 years later, I have a 6mo.

Love expands, definitely, I have infinite love for my child and my husband. However, our relationship has truly taken a hit. It's a lot, lot harder than I imagined it would ever be. We are like passing ships and it really hurts. It only works because we both really wanted this.

I'm going to say if you have even a shred of uncertain, don't do it. It's harder than they say it is. It will absolutely get better, but people I know in similar relationships have found it similarly difficult to us - you lose your independence and gain a totally dependent, beautiful, wonderful, needy litle child, but we've definitely lost the fullness in our relationship and it hurts. However, if you have a good support system (we don't) you can still carve out child free time.

Honestly? Don't do it unless your heart and soul aches for it. There are lots of other things you can do with your life.

This has to be one of the most reasonable threads that I’ve read for a long time and op is definitely one of the most likeable posters.

@willyoutakethisrose I love how content you are with your relationship and how much you are able to reflect on how any changes may affect your relationship. Unlike fleabag I think that you are very emotionally intelligent and secure in who you are and your values.

Harsh.

What a horrible thing to say. What on earth is wrong with you? Just plain nasty.

I was very similar to you. When I was younger I'd always assumed I'd want kids one day, then when I was 27 I met my DP and somehow our relationship just always felt perfect the way it was with just the two of us. I never really got broody and neither us ever felt anything was missing from our relationship. We just felt like a completely happy unit just as we were - and 21 years later we still do.

I never had any thoughts of not having enough love to go around or of having to share each other with a child, or anything like that. I just felt a very strong sense of everything being just right as it was. I still feel that way now!

So you would save your husband over your children? That shocks me.

I agree

I don’t think the poster has children. I’m not why it’s surprising to her though, children are generally more vulnerable than adults so most adults would concentrate on saving a child over an adult.
I adore my husband, but he is far more able to look after himself than my children are. They also have more of their lives left to lead.

I’m still extremely close with my friends but our relationship has evolved with time and new people. I think this is normal!

I think this is exactly true with a baby too.

You feel basically exactly the same as I feel about my relationship and the idea of children and how they might change things and we've decided not to have any.

I also didn't like the idea of being second best for my partner and neither did he. I always found all the cries of "I'd push him in front of a bus at the first opportunity to save my baby from a scratch" distasteful and just completely unrelatable, they always just make me think those people must feel nothing for their partners at all, they seem so gleeful in it, it's so alien to me and I want it to stay that way.

I definitely used to have a little romantic idea of making a little being that was half him and half me and knowing someone completely but now that I have nieces and nephews I have been disabused of those notions! In my experience parents don't know their children very well at all (ask yourself how well do your parents know you as opposed to your friends and partner, probably not as well as they think) and I much prefer to be the fun aunt rather than a harried mother now.

I don't know anyone who seems happier in their relationship since they had children sadly, most have subsequently broken up and/or just seem so stressed and worn out and frankly like husks of their former selves.

We're 36 and 40 now and as yet no regrets, we've got a cat and are very happy together, we have quite a few childfree friends so spend our time doing whatever we want with them mostly. I feel both too young and too old to have children anyway now. Too young because I still don't feel grown up enough to want all that worry and responsibility, I like having fun too much. And too old because if I had them now I'd be too old and worn out probably by the time they left home and became fully independent. I just don't have it in me so it isn't fair to them. I think like others have said if you really wanted them you'd really want them and it would be obvious. I never want to hold babies or feel jealous of parents for example.

Before anyone asks I got on Mumsnet for the funny stories, think it was penis beaker originally and now see it as a female dominated reddit where basically anything is discussed.

Firstly, I agree with everyone else that you do not need to have a baby if you don't want a baby!

But I also think that part of what's hard to imagine before you have children is that the way you love them is in it's own way quite narcissistic - you love them as part of you, and part of your partner (I think this is the case even if they're not biologically your children). You love children 'ex officio' - because they're yours, not because of their individual virtues. And so it doesn't feel like they compete with you for love, or attention. I absolutely love that my mum dotes on my children but that's not in spite of but because of her love for me - the two are so closely entwined as to be indistinguishable. It isn't at all like it would be if your mum was suddenly besotted with some unconnected other person. Similarly the way my husband loves my children doesn't feel like any kind of competition with his love for me, it feels like an amazing expansion of it so that he still loves me just as much but at the same time he loves me as part of this family of four.