I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

You're right. Pre-baby, my relationship with my husband was pretty much perfect with rarely a cross word between us. It's way harder now than it was. Exactly as you say, sometimes we can't have a conversation because kids are loud and interrupt a lot. Sometimes we snap at each other because we're sleep deprived. It's hard to find time to have sex because often we have a small child in our bed. Jobs around the house get put off and we get frustrated with each other when they are left undone for months on end. Nights out are rare and our money goes on kid related activities. Where once, we might have bought tickets to see the latest musical or a comedy act, now, we're at the matinee of a stage version of Julia Donaldson book.

I wouldn't change any of it, we love being parents, and we're quite happy spending our Saturdays at science museums instead of in beer gardens or sleeping off a heavy Friday, we don't (usually) mind that we rarely get to drink a coffee whilst it's hot and we're not so career orientated that we worry about missed opportunities whilst we're off because nursery has called us to collect a sick child.

But honestly, if it's not for you- if the thought of waking up, not to your husband, but to a chubby-cheeked, gummy grin and the word "Mumma!" doesn't fill you with joy, if you don't relish the idea of sharing your own childhood favourite books and "eating" endless imaginary cupcakes at a "cafe" in the corner of your living room, or feel a yearning when you see tiny babygrows or school uniforms in tiny sizes on the shelves, if the idea of your tasteful decor being replaced by Fisher Price and primary colours- don't do it. It's totally OK to carry on enjoying your happy, grown-up life. The worst thing you can do is have a baby then resent them.

I think OP, you are very keen for us parents to convince you to have a DC. But none of us want to!😂

And it's not because we regret our decisions either. I don't. I had my DC young, so I am still only in my 50s, and have plenty of adult time now where I can have deep convos with my Dh and put him first all the time, though tbh I would find all that intensity suffocating as pp said. I am not a very romantic person and I don't wear my heart on my sleeve.

@IncompleteSenten Am I? I’m not sure. It’s about importance and to me that has a lot to do with love. But maybe you’re right and it’s actually something separate.

Potentially missing the point but even if you had your pregnancy care and delivery privately, unless you are very well off you Will have frequent interaction with the NHS when your child is small. It would be very hard to avoid - even with a healthy child.

But don't have a baby to have someone love you.

You are a beautiful soul and have a nice love relation. OK. But some bits are a bit off the commonly understood heterosexual love, which means that every historic romance out there between mature adults , always come with the very strong desire to procreate.

Seems you want hubby to coddle you like daddy did, because you were an only baby girl to your dad? Is that right? If yes, may be find some workbook online and do some self digging, not saying you need counselling, but something somewhere went a bit off kilt in your mindset at some point

I feel like Fleabag when she says that she wants someone to tell her what to do!

I do appreciate all the advice and insights so much.

On the point, I don’t think I know anyone whose relationship with their partner has been improved by children. It’s magical watching their bond yes, but household stress levels increase 1000x

But some bits are a bit of the commonly understood heterosexual love, which means that every historic romance out there between mature adults , always come with the very strong desire to procreate.

Not really - they come with a strong desire to shag. The procreation was a side effect of that, but nowadays with birth control, it needn't be. Hence people agonising on the internet about it.

The thing that pops out at me is that you don't want to share your husband more than the having a baby. Any good dad will always prioritise his children when necessary and then prioritise his wife when necessary. Although the love is a different kind of love, are you prepared to not be the sole focus of his attention, because I won't be pleasant for anyone if you have resentment to your own child. We hear about it more commonly from men jealous of their children, and that never ends well.

There is a quote that to have a child ' is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body'. That's how it is for me. I grew my children inside of my body. They will forever be a part of me even when they are grown and living their own lives. The idea of losing them is a pain that I cannot imagine (sorry if this is triggering to anyone reading).

@TheFancyPoet I don’t want my husband to coddle me, and the idea that he does would make him laugh!

As I was being rushed to theatre we did actually have this conversation. I told h to save the baby. He said no, he'd save me. I was not happy and said no, save the baby.

Haven't rtft but I was in a very similar situation to you including details like being an only child and moving city for a career. A happy accident later and we are now a pack of 3. Our child is just an extension of us. Yeah we can't randomly go for a night out together but we can do that with friends if we wish. We cherish the time we have alone but also together as a family. I think we would have been happy as 2 but wouldn't change it for the world. I do think only having 1 child is key to this though. Also they are only young for such a short time.

Saw this and had to respond as me and my husband were in a very similar position ❤️ F30, M44 together 12 years with a really healthy adult only relationship, confused about having children and scared of ruining our lives 😆. We now have a 4 month old and are doing really well.

I can't tell you if you want children but I can let you know a few things I've realised since having our boy.

• Don't think about babies - think about if you want a family. Imagine your relationship with your own parents and decide if you want to replicate this (or have an opportunity to do it better?!). For us, we wanted to same relationship with our children as we have with our own parents. Your child will be here for DECADES, babies last literally 1 year. And then they continually develop and grow so the hard times and developmental points never last forever.

• Babies do not ruin relationships. Poor communication kills relationships. So if you have a strong relationship and strong communication you'll be in a great place to have children. You need to be really honest with what you need from eachother. If you want an adult relationship where your child doesn't dominate then this is perfectly possible. We make sure each of us can leave the house to do our own thing (gym, visiting friends, having time alone). It's hard, but we're committed to it and committed to helping eachother. We also see a life coach every few months which I strongly recommend. It's not therapy! It's about looking forwards and answering questions together about what you want to achieve as a couple in the coming months and means we don't fall into a pattern of not caring/trying.

• Children give you an entirely new perspective on life. Before having children, the idea of days out around other children made me want to vomit 🤣 now I can't wait to visit all the children's attractions with my boy because I know he'll be so excited and all the things I took for granted before are now new and shiny to him.

• It's ok to not love being with a child 24/7. I still cannot stand playing with him at 4 months old, most people agree this stage is very boring. But having said this, I never anticipated how much I could love him, I listen to love songs in a whole new light now. I used to think they were so grandiose and unrealistic, about "loving someone until the end of time". Now I know they aren't about romantic love, they are about unconditional love.

• Finally, you sound scared of your life being so unfulfilled that you're just grateful for a couple of tea. This is the final thing having a child gives you. If you've ever looked into mindfulness and happiness it always talks about gratitude and appreciating the little things. For me, I never understood this and not matter how far I strived I always felt my life was lacking and was terrified of "settling" for a mediocre life/relationship. It is only after having a child I realise that 'settling' is not a negative, it takes something profound to not have itchy feet, to enjoy the present and to be blissfully happy with a cup of tea while sitting in the house you really want to move away from, knowing you can't really afford a holiday and wondering when your job will improve.

Hope all these ramblings make sense. I don't mean you should have a baby. But I really relate to all your fears and can only advise that if you decide to have children, jump in with both feet, knowing you haven't been swayed by anyone else and that will be enough. You'll find that with work you won't have to compromise on the things you feel strongest about, but also you'll be surprised at how those priorities change and some of the fundamental things you believe about life will shift.

You say you really enjoy your time together - so I think a lot may depend on what sort of support network you have (or how much money you have). I think there is a world of difference between having family who'll have a baby/child once or twice a month, or being able to afford a babysittier, and not having either of those options and potentially having very little time together as a couple. We were lucky to have the former (parental support, not lots of money) and I think overall having kids strengthened our relationship. If we hadn't had that, I think it could have broken us.

love you have for your child is so different from any love in the world…you say it has to come from somewhere. Yes, from you. Having a child is like having a part of you separated into its own thing. So everything that you have previously wanted for yourself you now want for your child. And even more so. I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone but it’s pretty much my experience. I’m an only child as well btw and prior to having children I didn’t want any.now I have 2. And I want my husband to love my children because they are the best part of me, my finest creation. I want my mum to love my children and give them all the attention in the world because it lights up my world that someone else loves my child as much as me. It’s hard to put into words without it sounding cringe. Yes, it changes your dinamic with your DH but I think it’s wonderful to see what your other half is capable of.

I have moved several countries for a career. I am a first gen immigrant. This is exactly why I had DC, because I have no family of my own in this country, and no childhood friends. Probably a selfish reason. But we all have DC for selfish reasons.

I didn't think I wanted kids, was very happy with my lot.

Then I had them and it blew my mind. Nothing comes close or ever could.

But that's also when the scales dropped from my eyes about my ex husband and I saw him for what he really was.

It doesn't sound like you actually want a baby, and that's fine. However, if your husband really does (and you don't), then your relationship will probably end up going down the pan anyway. Of course it will change your relationship, and most likely you (and he) will put your child first. It will be a whole different dynamic and no, your relationship will never be the same again. If you're starting from a good place though (as it seems you are) that can only be a good thing as the foundations of your family will be strong. It just sounds like you REALLY don't want a family though.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less.

He wants this. You don't. You want all the attention for yourself. It's actually very wise and insightful that you see that and are asking questions now, before you conceive. Be strong. Do what you really want.

A child should come first. I would think less of dh if he said he’d save me first before our children.

I read once there was a study done saying overall that parents are less happy than childless couples. Likely due to things mentioned by previous posters - less sleep, more stress etc.

That is not a dig at parents, aware there may hard moments but I am sure for those who do not regret it there are lots of happy moments and these make it worth it!

The questions is what matters to you? Would you prefer a relationship with your husband that is always pretty smooth and less obstacles?

Or are you happy to risk the above to be a little more fraught, but with kids (and potential grandkids) added to the mix?

Neither answer is wrong.

I'm an only child and have 2 kids.

For me it was really important as I hate having a small family. Now my parents are elderly and probably don't have long left I have the DC as my "tribe" and to make me laugh. When my DP die I will still have love and connections in the world. One day I hope to be a Grandparent and enjoy that stage of my life.

The bit I find odd is when you say you'd worry your DM would love them more than you - my DM loves my DC heaps but I know she loves me too. She loves us more as a family. Why do you have to be No1??!! I'm glad the pressure is off.

I adore DH too but I love him more after having kids as he's such a good Dad, and the DC have his eyes so I see him in them. One of them has my Grandmas smile that I thought I'd never see again.

In the nicest possible way you're massively over thinking! It's so hard as you can't really imagine life with DC before you have them and the realities of that. I'm a massive overthinker myself but certainly not sitting here thinking about who loves who the most.

Imagine your life in 10 years or 20 years, what would it look like with or without kids. What's preferable? Don't base this on other people's kids and if you like them because they're invariably little shits.

It's OK if you don't want them though! I'd imagine the reality of the situation is that either way there would be good bits and bad bits and you'd be fine.

Just to add, you need to be sure you really want a baby. My friend wanted to be a Mum all her life and found the transition to mother so difficult (PND) that even SHE questioned her decision.