I ghosted someone… should I get in contact?

[Tattooedcoffeeaddict]

I feel like I’m being stupid even considering this but it’s been niggling me the last few months so I thought I’d get advice.

A few years ago at the beginning of lockdown I decided to join tinder. I got chatting to lots of different people but as nobody could meet up it got stale quickly.

There was one man in particular that I really got to know. For about seven months we called and video chatted throughout the day. Neither of us were working so obviously plenty of spare time. He was very keen to meet up. There was a lot I liked about him… and a few things I wasn’t so keen on. In the end I went through a bit of a depressive state (I really struggled with lockdown) and I made the shitty decision to ghost him. He tried to get in touch a few times. Asking if he’d done or said something to upset me, sending a Christmas card meme later in the year etc and I ignored them all.

We still follow each other on Instagram and I have noticed he still watches all my stories. From what I can gather he doesn’t seem to be seeing anyone. The only people who ever engage with his posts are family members and he seems to live quite an isolated life.

I really really want to send him a message but I have no idea how it would be received. Truthfully I was interested in meeting him but covid made it seem impossible and I had a few doubts that due to not being able to meet felt bigger over time.

Do I message? Is this a stupid idea and I need some sense talking into me!? I feel like the latter may be the right answer there!

Why now?

Are you feeling a bit bored or lonely?

What do you intend to say to him if you message?

Hopefully you’ll start with an apology and ask if you can explain why you ghosted him, and he might agree to hear you out.

If he posted on here for advice I’d tell him to fuck you off tbh.

I think if he is on your mind it wouldn't hurt to reach out, even if just to let him know that you're sorry if things were left slightly up in the air during lockdown. He would probably appreciate knowing he hadn't done anything wrong, even though it's been a while.

See what he says and then go from there, it sounds like you might as well. You never know he might be a lovely friend. Good luck.

Yea why not. Just say hello and ask how he is first, if he responds just let him know your sorry and what you went through etc. If he's interested he will reply

As long as the honest reason is you liked him and regret your actions now you’re in a better place and not because you are bored or need attention / interaction.

Not now no.
I think it would come across arrogant now,like he must have been DEVASTATED. Old being what it is is it possible he believes he ghosted you.

I do agree with clear communication though. At the time though.

If he posted here I’d advise him to tell me to fuck off too!

I think that’s what I’m worried about @ChanelNo19EDT. I don’t want it to feel like I’ve assumed all this time he’s been crying into his weetabix devastated at the loss!

I did like him and I regret not being honest rather than disappearing. I was worried though. He had a personal preference of what he found attractive and I knew I didn’t always meet that. I really struggled with body image issues during covid. I was worried about not being found attractive and I would have found that difficult to cope with at the time.

I wouldn’t. You sound like the type that would probably do the same again to him in 6 months time. Leave the poor guy alone.

you're sorry if things were left slightly up in the air

Please if you contact him, don’t minimise what you did with euphemisms like this.

I was thinking of saying ‘hey, you’ve been on my mind a lot lately and I was wondering how you were?’

I don’t know! Does that sound ok? The worst that can happen is he blocks me I guess.

I don't think you should say you've been thinking about him a lot at this point - you could just refer to something that reminded you of him and maybe made you think of him, hence the message out of the blue. Guess it depends how close you were though

No. Leave him alone.

I wouldn't. I've had a couple of people ghost me in the past and if any of them got in touch, what, 3 years later? I'd be really pissed off.

This man sounded really decent - checked a couple of times to ask if he'd upset you. Sent a Christmas Card. Eventually accepted that you were just repeatedly ignoring him, which is hurtful and rude.

It screams of arrogance. That you basically believe you can treat someone like shit and then pop up when it suits you, saying, 'Hey - how you doing?' and they might be pleased to hear from you. I'd never, ever believe the person wasn't going to behave like that again.

A guy did this to me years ago.

He then got back in touch about a year later as though nothing had happened.

I told him to fuck off.

When I subsequently asked other male friends why he would have ghosted me to then get back in touch, they suggested he might have been dating someone else, which then fell through....

Whatever the reason, he gave me no confidence in him to be open and honest.

I feel like you've done the same to this guy. Leave him alone. And stop following him on social media!!

If it helps make your decision, I got a message last week from a guy I'd dated a few times in 2019 before he ghosted me. My response was to laugh uproariously, read it out to the DH I've met and married since, discuss the fact we assume the guy was pissed and how embarrassing it was for him, and then deleted it.

Ok heard loud and clear! Bad idea!

Thank you for talking some sense into me!

I don't think it's a bad idea! You want to get in touch to let him know you regret what happened and as he sounds like a nice guy I'm sure he will appreciate it. It's a completely different thing for someone who ghosts to get in touch out of the blue to act like nothing has happened, that is rude

Very bad idea. 👎

I don’t think it’s a bad idea, but only if you wish to apologise without the expectation of anything more.

Ghosting is a shitty thing to do to someone, and if you can give him an explanation I would.

A simple but honest message with no expectations of a reply is the adult thing to do I think.

I think if you acknowledge how badly you behaved it would be ok to contact him. He might appreciate the apology.

I’m not sure how I’d word it. I really wouldn’t want it to sound like I’m arrogant enough to think he’s been thinking about me all this time.

Maybe it’s better to leave sleeping dogs lie. I also don’t have his number anymore so I’d have to do it through Instagram and I’d know if he chose to ignore it.

I would do it. Just say ‘Hi, I really hope you’re well. I just thought I’d reach out and apologise for ghosting you, I was in a difficult place back then but it’s no excuse. I always wanted to tell you that’.

I think the fact that he still looks at your stories shows that he’s still interested in you is some form or another

I say yes go for it but only if you are truly sorry and have no intention of doing it again. It sounds like he would like to hear from you / is still interested.

"Hi Mike. Hope you don't mind me saying hello after all this time, understand if you don't want to reply."

If he responds take it from there but be honest with him.

Can you be really honest with yourself about what you want from this?

If you’re hoping to try again for a relationship, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Who turns up 3 (?) years after ghosting someone suddenly ready to give it another go? Apart from anything else it looks a bit desperate - like nothing better has materialised so you’re scrabbling around in your contacts list to find back-up options.

I also think an apology can come over a bit self serving: ‘sorry I ghosted you, but I was depressed so you can’t be upset with me, and also I’d like to tell you all about my mental health struggles’ or ‘sorry I ghosted you. It’s unpleasant feeling guilty so I need you to forgive me so I can feel good and move on.’

Truthfully I’m not totally sure why I want to do it. I do want to apologise. I went from speaking to him over the phone/video calls 9 hours a day to nothing. I feel a pang of guilt whenever he pops up on social media. I know I would have been hurt if somebody did that to me.

I can’t say I wouldn’t care though if he didn’t respond and that’s what’s stopping me from doing it. He lives four hours away, it’s not like I’m ever going to see him around and yet I’m scared of being ignored.

Yeah I had someone do the same to me over lockdown

I'd be pissed off if he got in touch now