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Original poster

I ghosted someone… should I get in contact?

125 replies

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 10/03/2024 19:21

I feel like I’m being stupid even considering this but it’s been niggling me the last few months so I thought I’d get advice.

A few years ago at the beginning of lockdown I decided to join tinder. I got chatting to lots of different people but as nobody could meet up it got stale quickly.

There was one man in particular that I really got to know. For about seven months we called and video chatted throughout the day. Neither of us were working so obviously plenty of spare time. He was very keen to meet up. There was a lot I liked about him… and a few things I wasn’t so keen on. In the end I went through a bit of a depressive state (I really struggled with lockdown) and I made the shitty decision to ghost him. He tried to get in touch a few times. Asking if he’d done or said something to upset me, sending a Christmas card meme later in the year etc and I ignored them all.

We still follow each other on Instagram and I have noticed he still watches all my stories. From what I can gather he doesn’t seem to be seeing anyone. The only people who ever engage with his posts are family members and he seems to live quite an isolated life.

I really really want to send him a message but I have no idea how it would be received. Truthfully I was interested in meeting him but covid made it seem impossible and I had a few doubts that due to not being able to meet felt bigger over time.

Do I message? Is this a stupid idea and I need some sense talking into me!? I feel like the latter may be the right answer there!

OP posts:
VibeOnWithMyGalPals · 02/05/2024 18:54

He sounds like someone whose feelings were hurt. He’s wary of you, understandably

But he’s still interested, that’s why he watches your stories and replied to you albeit if it was cold.

Sorry OP, but if I were him, I would have deleted or blocked you a long time ago.
It says a lot about his self esteem that he hasn’t. I would just leave him alone now

VibeOnWithMyGalPals · 02/05/2024 18:56

I’ve just read your update again. I don’t get why you’re upset. What on earth were you expecting him to say?

dcadmamagain · 02/05/2024 19:04

I think you need to make an effort and reply to his nesssge.. he’s done nothing wrong and you’ve written a few sentences then said” you know where I am……”.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 02/05/2024 19:08

🙈I've just read the update 😬

mybeautifulhorse · 02/05/2024 20:15

I'm new to this thread and just read the update but oh dear, what a half arsed message you sent him!

Why did you not say the stuff you said on here? About finding lockdown difficult and being overwhelmed or whatever? You didn't give him any explanation and honestly, you owed him one, especially if you were actually interested in picking up with him again.

He's wary and no wonder. He's not giving you the brush off but equally what did you expect him to say?! Your message to him was really not good enough to undo the hurt that you probably caused him.

The whole 'doesn't want to date overweight women' thing is for a whole other thread and is a bit of a red flag, but this thread is about your behaviour and I think that's been poor all round. You have no right to be hurt by his messages, he's not really been given the chance to say anything else.

earther · 02/05/2024 20:21

Ive been ghosted by a few people dont know what i did but i moved on.
However one of them 3 year later texted me and said hi how are you i messaged back sorry whos this? reply came back its me bla bla bla i replied with sorry you must have the wrong number then i blocked because i no if they do it once they will do it again.
Honestly just leave him alone you come across as your a bit lonely want attention you will do it again and its not nice.
Why are you upset when you started it with being childish and ghosting.
Sorry op but just leave the man alone.

Houseinawood · 02/05/2024 20:25

Hi Matt. How are you doing? I’m really sorry I was really rude - and didn’t reply to your messages. It was really rude, it absolutely wasn’t you - it was me. That said it would be nice to hear about you and what you’ve been up to and I promise to reply but I’ll understand if you don’t want to x

Houseinawood · 02/05/2024 20:27

VibeOnWithMyGalPals · 02/05/2024 18:56

I’ve just read your update again. I don’t get why you’re upset. What on earth were you expecting him to say?

This what an awful message to him ok I be ignored you, I’ve sent you a message but I haven’t asked you out or picked up the phone and bothered to ring you 😂😂🤷‍♀️

Hugosmaid · 02/05/2024 20:30

The doubts will still be there.

your using him as you feel lonely

why would you disturb his peace?

Id probably block you straight away if you messaged me as you were incredibly rude

StarlightLime · 02/05/2024 20:32

Houseinawood · 02/05/2024 20:25

Hi Matt. How are you doing? I’m really sorry I was really rude - and didn’t reply to your messages. It was really rude, it absolutely wasn’t you - it was me. That said it would be nice to hear about you and what you’ve been up to and I promise to reply but I’ll understand if you don’t want to x

That ship has sailed, she's already sent him a fairly poorly worded message.

fatphalange · 02/05/2024 20:47

Why would you assume the appropriate response to this exchange is a social media unfollow?
You gave him your number. He responded to your 'is this a brush off?' by telling you no, it isn't. If he wants to resume contact, now he's been given the go ahead. Yeah he didn't reply with love heart emojis and gushing how much you mean to him, but why would he?
You've built all this up into way more of a thing than it actually is tbh. He was being way too much. You were insecure. You knocked it on the head. Still kept the social media lines open. No biggie. Now you want to talk again. Maybe you will. Chill out.

neilyoungismyhero · 02/05/2024 20:48

What have you got to lose by reaching out? You don't speak now so if he tells you to do one fair enough. On the other hand he may be pleased you've got in touch. Go for it.

RedMark · 02/05/2024 20:52

Ah op, I just saw this. Your message was really not great at all 🙈 he probably didn't really know what to say to it as there is no explanation and a half arsed apology.

loropianalover · 02/05/2024 20:55

OP after reading all of your posts on this thread you are just looking for attention and to start drama. I’m cringing at your latest update.

You ghosted him as he was in contact with you too much (why the hell were you talking 9hrs a day!!), you wanted to message him to make yourself feel better about what you did but you were afraid he’d want to ‘talk’ again and you weren’t interested, almost everyone tells you to leave him alone so you then decide you actually might be interested (hmmm) and message him some half arsed apology and expect him to read your mind and do the work, you don’t get the response you want and now you feel aggrieved.

Get off instagram and leave him alone.

TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow · 02/05/2024 21:05

Why on earth did you send him that!

category12 · 02/05/2024 21:22

If you were going to message him, you should have made the apology a lot better, something like "It's been playing on my mind how I ghosted you and I'm really sorry that I did that, [insert some sort of explanation]..."

You're kind of lucky he didn't tell you to fuck off really.

Ohnobackagain · 02/05/2024 21:49

@Tattooedcoffeeaddict I’d just say something like, “I want to apologise for ghosting you. It was a really crap way to treat anyone and I regret it. I want to let you know it was nothing you did; I was in a bad place and anxious about lots of things, but that doesn’t make it ok to treat you as I did and I am sorry. I’m not after a reply or anything; just wanted you to know I’m aware I was in the wrong. Best wishes.”

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/05/2024 21:52

You ghosted him. He needs much more (explanations, interest) from you otherwise he’s being a doormat! Text him again?

Original poster
Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 02/05/2024 22:36

Yeah I probably didn’t send the best message and obviously I know now I was wrong and shouldn’t have messaged him! I was worried about going all in on the apology because it may have come across as arrogant. Like I was expecting him to still be upset over it all! I wanted to apologise while avoiding the arrogance but instead I sent a crap message and fucked up.

I wanted to ask him how he was and open up the possibility of a chat but the replies were so closed off that I felt like leaving him in peace was probably the best option. I guess I hoped I’d get some clarity. Either a ‘go away, I’m not interested’ or a suggestion that he might be.

I wasn’t doing it for an ego boost or to mess him around. I really did just want to see if he’d be open to going for a coffee/drink sometime.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 02/05/2024 23:07

I also really don’t think messaging him again is a good idea! I don’t want to harass him!

I’m glad in a way that at least I know the outcome of this. He’s not interested.
I wasn’t being really honest with myself though. I really hoped he would be interested. A few people asked what I hoped I’d get out of this… the chance to go back and change things. I always felt like we’d have got on if we got the chance to meet. I wanted a shot at that chance.

OP posts:
TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow · 02/05/2024 23:14

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 02/05/2024 23:07

I also really don’t think messaging him again is a good idea! I don’t want to harass him!

I’m glad in a way that at least I know the outcome of this. He’s not interested.
I wasn’t being really honest with myself though. I really hoped he would be interested. A few people asked what I hoped I’d get out of this… the chance to go back and change things. I always felt like we’d have got on if we got the chance to meet. I wanted a shot at that chance.

Well would you be interested after all this time when you had been ghosted ?

I think the fact you did that and have now decided to message him means you don't have clear boundaries, don't recognise red flags etc and you should probably work on that

category12 · 02/05/2024 23:15

Well, you kind of sabotaged yourself twice with this guy.

Do you think there's an underlying reason for that - maybe worth trying to unpick, if so.

Timetoheal4good · 02/05/2024 23:17

I'm really confused, I'm reading this as though he is telling you he's not giving you the brush off? But I would say that since you did the ghosting, you should then be the one to open up more conversation. Ask him how he's been?

Timetoheal4good · 02/05/2024 23:19

In fact, reading it again I would say he's telling you that he understands life can happen that way sometimes and he isn't necessarily closed off. So if you really are interested then I would just be trying to open conversation. If you get the chance to meet up, then you can apologise or explain a little better.

Deathbyfluffy · 02/05/2024 23:24

LittleMonks11 · 02/05/2024 18:43

I don't like the sound of him. Run for the hills!

What sort of guy tells someone he's interested in that he doesn't think overweight women worthy of a relationship?

He also wax a bit stalkerish during lockdown by the sounds of it.

And still looks at your stories on Instagram. You gave to go out of your way to view stories.

I feel like he's now going to start playing games with you.

I can’t tell if this is sarcasm or not - he wasn’t stalkerish by any means.
Sounds like what he’s said hit a nerve with you, and you’re using this to excuse the OP’s crap behaviour (and to be clear, her behavior was pretty terrible).